I can't be nice
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
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I can't be nice
Why O why can't I be nicer to the A? I hear his voice and I sigh...I cut him off when he talks...I am just nasty! He is trying so hard to improve everything! Is it just over...butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt when he backs off from me I panic..is this codependancy at its finest?Love Crazy Kitty
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Kitty,
I did the same thing with my son. It was because I never got over my anger. When I finally got all my anger out I stopped.
I don't think you can expect all those old emotions to go away so fast.
On the other hand maybe you've grown past him right now and he needs to catch up or maybe you've grown apart.
Maybe you're not used to dealing with a healthier relationship.
It's hard to sort through all this stuff. I even had to sort it through with my mother. Give it some time.
Hugs,
MG
I did the same thing with my son. It was because I never got over my anger. When I finally got all my anger out I stopped.
I don't think you can expect all those old emotions to go away so fast.
On the other hand maybe you've grown past him right now and he needs to catch up or maybe you've grown apart.
Maybe you're not used to dealing with a healthier relationship.
It's hard to sort through all this stuff. I even had to sort it through with my mother. Give it some time.
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 26
Kittycat
It is because you have unresolved anger. The thoughts and actions you have today create your tomorrow. You need to let it go and give it to your higher power. Let it go. He is doing what he can. Anger will bounce back upon yourself, and will just reinforce your negative behavior.
Try love. Acknowledge his accomplishments.
Your thoughts and actions today, create your reality tomorrow.
Try love. Acknowledge his accomplishments.
Your thoughts and actions today, create your reality tomorrow.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Yup Kitty,
I know exactly what you mean. You feel so bad because they are being so good to you and trying so hard. But I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it. I think your reaction is normal. You are recovering from alcoholism too. Maybe you're still detoxing. LOL
No, really after years of dealing with an active alcoholic there are a lot of unresolved issues that are going to take time to heal. Building trust is a process. I know that I feel fear too and my anger comes out of that. The fear of investing something only to be hurt again. I know my husband doesn't get it. He thinks if he's not using then I should be fine. It's not that simple, there's a lot of old wounds there that will take time to heal. I think if you are honest about where your anger is coming from it might ease your guilt a bit and make him feel better.
I know exactly what you mean. You feel so bad because they are being so good to you and trying so hard. But I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it. I think your reaction is normal. You are recovering from alcoholism too. Maybe you're still detoxing. LOL
No, really after years of dealing with an active alcoholic there are a lot of unresolved issues that are going to take time to heal. Building trust is a process. I know that I feel fear too and my anger comes out of that. The fear of investing something only to be hurt again. I know my husband doesn't get it. He thinks if he's not using then I should be fine. It's not that simple, there's a lot of old wounds there that will take time to heal. I think if you are honest about where your anger is coming from it might ease your guilt a bit and make him feel better.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Kitty,
I know exactly what you mean there.....
When I stopped getting angry I was starting to let go. It is soooo normal for you to be angry right now. Lots of "stuff" to straighten out for sure in the way we think. It can get better, it will get to a point where you can say its ok he is backing off, I have a life of my own.......breathe that sigh of relief.
Just remember things always can be made to look good from a distance, you know the chaos being up close and personal with it brought you. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
Many Hugs!
I know exactly what you mean there.....
When I stopped getting angry I was starting to let go. It is soooo normal for you to be angry right now. Lots of "stuff" to straighten out for sure in the way we think. It can get better, it will get to a point where you can say its ok he is backing off, I have a life of my own.......breathe that sigh of relief.
Just remember things always can be made to look good from a distance, you know the chaos being up close and personal with it brought you. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
Many Hugs!
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Southern KY
Posts: 53
OMG KITTY......
i could have written that post word for word!!!!!!! omg, i mean exactly.....
through all my husbands years of active using, i was so caring and giving and loving to him. i guess i was thinking the old....if i love him enough.... but still now that he is clean.....i am just a bit** to him. i sigh, roll my eyes, shirk away....and now he has left and i am a mess...although most of my mess is the fact that he is probably cheating on me.....but if only i had been nicer to him. i know he is trying, i know its a battle for him to stay clean every day.....i just cant/couldnt let go of the hurt. and im angry that hes not willing to put the time into this marriage that i did. im expecting him to be like me, and hes not. im not much of a spritual person, but in the days before he left, i had been(still am) praying to my hp, asking him to take this pain and bitterness away. i dont want it anymore.
i wonder often if it is over too. 'is it over, and i just dont want to admit it' like you said 'codependancy at its best' but how can we be sure???
i could have written that post word for word!!!!!!! omg, i mean exactly.....
through all my husbands years of active using, i was so caring and giving and loving to him. i guess i was thinking the old....if i love him enough.... but still now that he is clean.....i am just a bit** to him. i sigh, roll my eyes, shirk away....and now he has left and i am a mess...although most of my mess is the fact that he is probably cheating on me.....but if only i had been nicer to him. i know he is trying, i know its a battle for him to stay clean every day.....i just cant/couldnt let go of the hurt. and im angry that hes not willing to put the time into this marriage that i did. im expecting him to be like me, and hes not. im not much of a spritual person, but in the days before he left, i had been(still am) praying to my hp, asking him to take this pain and bitterness away. i dont want it anymore.
i wonder often if it is over too. 'is it over, and i just dont want to admit it' like you said 'codependancy at its best' but how can we be sure???
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 73
Hi Kitty.
I very much relate to your post, too. Rasptutin and I were not married, but we were/are(?) in a sort of friendship limbo not too unlike yours. Apart, but not totally. It was hard to turn the mad off. I did a lot of smiling through clenched teeth (trying to be supportive) but still slipped up. It took over a year of his being mostly absent for me to not bristle sometimes just at the sound of his voice. For me, even his absence wasn't enough. I would be mad at an imaginary him in my head. No, not imaginary. Remembered.
I did some scream therapy (not formal, just me screaming at the walls). That helped a little. I tried that turning it over thing, and had one of those temporary rosy glows, but the God of my understanding handed it back to me with a "this isn't mine, grow up and deal with it." Exercising was good. Probably the single most helpful thing besides laughing. Not cynical bitter laughing. But finding some things that gave me real joy and just ROLLING in them. Simply refusing to dwell on him when he wasn't around was good too. I found I had only so much coping supply for him, and if I used it up when he wasn't there, there was nothing left for the real him. I also switched to decaff after the first cuppa in the morning. (LOL)
All that and time got me to the point where I was actually glad to see him when he showed up. His visits were fun.
That's not the end of the saga, but I'm going to start a new thread so I don't change the subject here.
Dop
I very much relate to your post, too. Rasptutin and I were not married, but we were/are(?) in a sort of friendship limbo not too unlike yours. Apart, but not totally. It was hard to turn the mad off. I did a lot of smiling through clenched teeth (trying to be supportive) but still slipped up. It took over a year of his being mostly absent for me to not bristle sometimes just at the sound of his voice. For me, even his absence wasn't enough. I would be mad at an imaginary him in my head. No, not imaginary. Remembered.
I did some scream therapy (not formal, just me screaming at the walls). That helped a little. I tried that turning it over thing, and had one of those temporary rosy glows, but the God of my understanding handed it back to me with a "this isn't mine, grow up and deal with it." Exercising was good. Probably the single most helpful thing besides laughing. Not cynical bitter laughing. But finding some things that gave me real joy and just ROLLING in them. Simply refusing to dwell on him when he wasn't around was good too. I found I had only so much coping supply for him, and if I used it up when he wasn't there, there was nothing left for the real him. I also switched to decaff after the first cuppa in the morning. (LOL)
All that and time got me to the point where I was actually glad to see him when he showed up. His visits were fun.
That's not the end of the saga, but I'm going to start a new thread so I don't change the subject here.
Dop
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
OMG... I just posted this post on the naranon side... I can so relate... I was downright a bitch yesterday... Don't mean to curse... but it's the only word that fits how I was behaving... I told my hubby he had tweeker grind... I was busting on him so hard... I was so evil... I hurt his feelings so bad... and in turn it only made me feel worse...
I felt this way... because I was building this huge solid brick wall in my head... and I wanted to hurt him... I wanted him to feel how I felt... and when I did hurt him I felt 1,000 times worse... I hate that about myself... I want to let it go and give it to my HP sometimes I won't!!!!! I don't want to.... I chose to be mean... and I don't feel good about it at all!!!
I don't have any advice!!!Kitty!! I'm just letting you know you are NOT alone...
Love Clowie
I felt this way... because I was building this huge solid brick wall in my head... and I wanted to hurt him... I wanted him to feel how I felt... and when I did hurt him I felt 1,000 times worse... I hate that about myself... I want to let it go and give it to my HP sometimes I won't!!!!! I don't want to.... I chose to be mean... and I don't feel good about it at all!!!
I don't have any advice!!!Kitty!! I'm just letting you know you are NOT alone...
Love Clowie
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
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Thanks everyone for those posts...at least I feel assudred I am not totally confused alone! This is so difficult...because I can't decide what I want! It was easier to just bitch about "him" than make any real choices. This is going to hard for sure. Hewants some committment to working this out, says we can't live this way forever and I say...heyit is only 90 days you are sober! Amazing ...once he is clean he can see so clear! I have fear total fear about anything. I am really in a paralyisis mode.
Love Kitty
Love Kitty
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YES, Open I agree...............but sometimes (don't wan't him to die, never would wish that on anyone) I DO want him to SUFFER as I did and I ADMIT IT 100%! I find it difficult to be pious!
Kitty
Kitty
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
kitty,
i think this too will pass. i can so relate to the desire to feel and express anger towards my husband. sometimes i wonder where it was hidden and what triggered it.
i talked to my counselor last fall about the rage i felt towards a series of events that happened in my childhood and why i would all of a sudden have flashbacks and raging anger. anger is an emotion like many that i am uncomfortable with. she said that anger never goes away. we can stifle it, or hide it but it will get out in one form or other. she said anger is healthy and normal, and codependents often don't feel comfortable with their own anger. anyone elses is ok, we just don't want to own it.
she told me anger is a good indicator that our boundaries have been crossed, or someone has inflicted pain. she told me to let my anger in and do some detective work in a positive fashion to see if i can find out where it came from.she also told me to start to feel and to realize as i recover the old feelings that i stuffed away just to survive will surface and that means i am recovering slowly. i have good days and bad with emotions and i justhave to be grateful that i can feel anything. some day i hope to feel joy and all the positive emotions.
kitty, i'm sure it took a long time for you to feel the way you do today and it will take equally long to see change and to trust again in yourself and your husband.
prayers for serenity and thanks for your post. it's good for me to reflect on where i've been and where i'd like to be going.
hugs from sugar
i think this too will pass. i can so relate to the desire to feel and express anger towards my husband. sometimes i wonder where it was hidden and what triggered it.
i talked to my counselor last fall about the rage i felt towards a series of events that happened in my childhood and why i would all of a sudden have flashbacks and raging anger. anger is an emotion like many that i am uncomfortable with. she said that anger never goes away. we can stifle it, or hide it but it will get out in one form or other. she said anger is healthy and normal, and codependents often don't feel comfortable with their own anger. anyone elses is ok, we just don't want to own it.
she told me anger is a good indicator that our boundaries have been crossed, or someone has inflicted pain. she told me to let my anger in and do some detective work in a positive fashion to see if i can find out where it came from.she also told me to start to feel and to realize as i recover the old feelings that i stuffed away just to survive will surface and that means i am recovering slowly. i have good days and bad with emotions and i justhave to be grateful that i can feel anything. some day i hope to feel joy and all the positive emotions.
kitty, i'm sure it took a long time for you to feel the way you do today and it will take equally long to see change and to trust again in yourself and your husband.
prayers for serenity and thanks for your post. it's good for me to reflect on where i've been and where i'd like to be going.
hugs from sugar
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