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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: montpelier
Posts: 3
New Here
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, just came across this board last night actually. I've been reading through some posts and am amazed that there actually others out there that have been through the same things that I have through out childhood and more importantly are going through the things that I am even to this day. I sit here and cry... I am a 24 four year old women with an alcoholic father and a co-dependant mother. I say co-dependant mother because my whole life she enabled him, she took care of him, she cared more about him then she did herself or me. I remember being little and thinking that I wish that she would of just left him, because I wanted a "normal" life, not even that I knew what that was. I love my father, dont get me wrong, he brought me into this world, and even throughout the bad times, I know that deep down he loves me, that he's just sick. Anyway, the reason that I'm here is because my mother finally has had enough, and she told him yesterday that she was filing for divorce. I'm heart broken. Don't get me wrong, I know my mother deserves to be happy for what life she has left, and that she's just not happy anymore and can't do it anymore... but I just feel like now the whole burden is going to be on my shoulders. I'm going to be the one that has to take care of him because she wont do it anymore. My grandfather said to me, its time for your father to grow up, he'll have to take care of himself. I dont know what it is, I don't know if its because I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, but I don't feel like he will. I feel like its all on me, and if I dont then I'm letting him down... and I can't let him down, even though all my life that's what he's done to me. I have two small children, I am married... to a wonderful man, who fortunately does not have a drinking problem, he doesn't even like drinking... so in that part of life, I got lucky. I see though, that I do have a lot of the characteristics of ACOA, and that disturbs me, I guess that until now, I never really knew how much it affected my life and my actions in life.
I'm self pitying right now because I feel terrible for my father. I know thats wrong, that I shouldn't take sides, but I am... He's older now, and I know that he can't take care of himself. SEE, now I'm the one that is being the enabler. He called yesterday and as you know, he's on a rollercoaster because of her telling him that she didn't love him anymore and was filing for divorce (oh I didnt mention that they haven't lived together in a very long time, although they have been married and still did stuff together ect). He was yelling one minute and then the rest of the time he was bawling hysterically saying that he didn't understand why. I have to admit I thought that he would go on a rampage, that it would be a lot worse then what it actually was. I think thats why I feel so bad, because its not often that I see my dad cry... and thats all that he could do.. He called again this morning, asked my mom if she hated him, she said no, he said well I couldn't sleep, I stayed up all night long throwing up... I just feel horrible. I'm mad at my mom because its hurting my father, although I do know she deserves happiness.. I guess that I just dont know how to feel, and I dont have anyone to turn to because I feel like no matter what, no one is going to understand how I'm feeling... No one that I know in real life, has been through the kind of things that I have with having a father that loves drinking as much as mine does. I'm hurt.. sad... alone.. and just dont know what to do. I hope that someone can give me some advice even if nots what I want to hear. I'm Jessika by the way.
I'm new here, just came across this board last night actually. I've been reading through some posts and am amazed that there actually others out there that have been through the same things that I have through out childhood and more importantly are going through the things that I am even to this day. I sit here and cry... I am a 24 four year old women with an alcoholic father and a co-dependant mother. I say co-dependant mother because my whole life she enabled him, she took care of him, she cared more about him then she did herself or me. I remember being little and thinking that I wish that she would of just left him, because I wanted a "normal" life, not even that I knew what that was. I love my father, dont get me wrong, he brought me into this world, and even throughout the bad times, I know that deep down he loves me, that he's just sick. Anyway, the reason that I'm here is because my mother finally has had enough, and she told him yesterday that she was filing for divorce. I'm heart broken. Don't get me wrong, I know my mother deserves to be happy for what life she has left, and that she's just not happy anymore and can't do it anymore... but I just feel like now the whole burden is going to be on my shoulders. I'm going to be the one that has to take care of him because she wont do it anymore. My grandfather said to me, its time for your father to grow up, he'll have to take care of himself. I dont know what it is, I don't know if its because I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, but I don't feel like he will. I feel like its all on me, and if I dont then I'm letting him down... and I can't let him down, even though all my life that's what he's done to me. I have two small children, I am married... to a wonderful man, who fortunately does not have a drinking problem, he doesn't even like drinking... so in that part of life, I got lucky. I see though, that I do have a lot of the characteristics of ACOA, and that disturbs me, I guess that until now, I never really knew how much it affected my life and my actions in life.
I'm self pitying right now because I feel terrible for my father. I know thats wrong, that I shouldn't take sides, but I am... He's older now, and I know that he can't take care of himself. SEE, now I'm the one that is being the enabler. He called yesterday and as you know, he's on a rollercoaster because of her telling him that she didn't love him anymore and was filing for divorce (oh I didnt mention that they haven't lived together in a very long time, although they have been married and still did stuff together ect). He was yelling one minute and then the rest of the time he was bawling hysterically saying that he didn't understand why. I have to admit I thought that he would go on a rampage, that it would be a lot worse then what it actually was. I think thats why I feel so bad, because its not often that I see my dad cry... and thats all that he could do.. He called again this morning, asked my mom if she hated him, she said no, he said well I couldn't sleep, I stayed up all night long throwing up... I just feel horrible. I'm mad at my mom because its hurting my father, although I do know she deserves happiness.. I guess that I just dont know how to feel, and I dont have anyone to turn to because I feel like no matter what, no one is going to understand how I'm feeling... No one that I know in real life, has been through the kind of things that I have with having a father that loves drinking as much as mine does. I'm hurt.. sad... alone.. and just dont know what to do. I hope that someone can give me some advice even if nots what I want to hear. I'm Jessika by the way.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hello Jessika.
What we see and what may have been the real deal are not always the same.
My dad would do the same at time but it was more a protection of us. Because he cared, he became the middle man between my mom and us many times. He did what he knew and it may not have always been what was best but it was all he knew.
Your father has brought his own pain onto himself. Your mom may be doing the best thing that can be done for your dad. In his hurting, he may find that denial doesn't make his issues go away. He may learn that he needs to deal with "His" issues.
Only if you let it and become the enabler for him.
Mom said no...lets go see what Jessika will do to fill her shoes?
He is hurting yes but he may also be manipulating for a replacement as well.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it
You can't change it
Only dad can deal with and change his own issues.
Respect him by allowing him to deal with his issues.
What we see and what may have been the real deal are not always the same.
she cared more about him then she did herself or me.
I'm mad at my mom because its hurting my father,
but I just feel like now the whole burden is going to be on my shoulders.
Mom said no...lets go see what Jessika will do to fill her shoes?
He is hurting yes but he may also be manipulating for a replacement as well.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it
You can't change it
Only dad can deal with and change his own issues.
Respect him by allowing him to deal with his issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: montpelier
Posts: 3
Only if you let it and become the enabler for him.
Mom said no...lets go see what Jessika will do to fill her shoes?
He is hurting yes but he may also be manipulating for a replacement as well.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it
You can't change it
I know that... I really do, I can't do this to myself or my own family. I do have my own children that need to be taken care of but its harder for me right now since I've never had to say no before, you know? How do I get to that point without him thinking that I dont love him? Because I do... I just cant imagine being unloyal to him, which really stinks right now. I'm so lost. Thanks for the advice though and for the first time in a few days, I actually felt like I could breathe when you said "you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, you can't change it." I needed to hear that. Thank you.
Mom said no...lets go see what Jessika will do to fill her shoes?
He is hurting yes but he may also be manipulating for a replacement as well.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it
You can't change it
I know that... I really do, I can't do this to myself or my own family. I do have my own children that need to be taken care of but its harder for me right now since I've never had to say no before, you know? How do I get to that point without him thinking that I dont love him? Because I do... I just cant imagine being unloyal to him, which really stinks right now. I'm so lost. Thanks for the advice though and for the first time in a few days, I actually felt like I could breathe when you said "you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, you can't change it." I needed to hear that. Thank you.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Jessika,
Your story sounds very much like mine. My mother is the alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was around 25 years old. My father decided he couldn't deal with it any more. I always knew they would both be happier not married to each other but still I remember the day I got the call from my dad. He let me know that they were getting divorced. I hung up the phone and cried. For along time.
I was angry with my dad for leaving my mom in such a state. And, just like you, I felt the huge responsibility to take care of her. I sort of did for a while but eventually I learned how to let go. I learned that there was nothing I could do. I was only hurting myself by taking on something I could never change, I could never control.
Eventually, my mother got sober, on her own. She's now been sober for about 3 years and we have a great relationship.
I do still have some anger towards my dad but I know it's what he needed to do. He's a happier person now.
Well.........I didn't have much advice for you here but I just wanted you to know how similar our stories are. You might check into going to an Al-anon meeting. I've only been to one.......it just wasn't really for me but there are lots of others around here that would tell you it saved them. Whatever helps you get through.......I'll be thinking of you.
~doll
Your story sounds very much like mine. My mother is the alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was around 25 years old. My father decided he couldn't deal with it any more. I always knew they would both be happier not married to each other but still I remember the day I got the call from my dad. He let me know that they were getting divorced. I hung up the phone and cried. For along time.
I was angry with my dad for leaving my mom in such a state. And, just like you, I felt the huge responsibility to take care of her. I sort of did for a while but eventually I learned how to let go. I learned that there was nothing I could do. I was only hurting myself by taking on something I could never change, I could never control.
Eventually, my mother got sober, on her own. She's now been sober for about 3 years and we have a great relationship.
I do still have some anger towards my dad but I know it's what he needed to do. He's a happier person now.
Well.........I didn't have much advice for you here but I just wanted you to know how similar our stories are. You might check into going to an Al-anon meeting. I've only been to one.......it just wasn't really for me but there are lots of others around here that would tell you it saved them. Whatever helps you get through.......I'll be thinking of you.
~doll
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Taking your mothers place as the enabler will not help your Dad. He needs to reach his own bottom, and, make up his mind to make changes in his life. Set your bounderies, let him be responsible for himself....
Work on you, obsessing about the divorce will serve no purpose...your parents are both adults and should treated as such.
Take care of you.
Dolly
Work on you, obsessing about the divorce will serve no purpose...your parents are both adults and should treated as such.
Take care of you.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Jessika, I welcome you to the boards. I only have the greatest compassion for you. When I read you were sitting and crying, I knew how that felt so many times, as I am sure the rest of the board members have also.
It is so hard when a parent is addicted. We feel hurt, betrayed, it isn't our fault. We did nothing wrong. As said, we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and we can't cure it.
Wise words wouldn't you agree. There is nothing right now in your heart that wouldn't do anything for your father or mother. You love them, I know. We know. But this is not about them. I know you can't see it now, but this is about you. YOU are not responsible for anyone elses words, thoughts, or actions. YOU are only responsible for yours. I speak from experience Jess. No matter what you say or try to do, it comes down to YOU getting well and not letting someone else actions have the effect on you as it is. YOU can still love a person, but NOT love their actions or behavior.
I strongly recommend that you look at starting to go to Alanon. I resisited and only continued to suffer. Until I hit bottom and there was no where else to go. Your dad and moms actions are NOT going to change because of YOU. It is going to change because of THEM. They are responsible adults and will learn to take care of themselves. It is amazing what we can do when we are faced with such a difficult situation. In Alanon we learn that WE HAVE CHOICES. You have choices right now. You can continue to enable them, and THINK you are helping them, or learn better ways such as detachment (with love). Not detaching from a person, but from their actions, and feelings of resentment. You can learn to make good choices. You can learn to let go. You can learn to live in peace. You can learn healthy boundaries. And most importantly Jess, you can learn to live again.
This means you must start by learning, It all begins with you!
We on the board will always be here and you are welcome to always talk, or listen. But once you learn it begins with you, then I would humbly suggest that you start with Alanon. They will tell you there, give it six meetings and then make a decision whether the program is right for you. No contracts, no chains, no penalties, you are always in control. The only thing you have to lose is your pain!
I pray for your peace.
Ken
It is so hard when a parent is addicted. We feel hurt, betrayed, it isn't our fault. We did nothing wrong. As said, we didn't cause it, we can't change it, and we can't cure it.
Wise words wouldn't you agree. There is nothing right now in your heart that wouldn't do anything for your father or mother. You love them, I know. We know. But this is not about them. I know you can't see it now, but this is about you. YOU are not responsible for anyone elses words, thoughts, or actions. YOU are only responsible for yours. I speak from experience Jess. No matter what you say or try to do, it comes down to YOU getting well and not letting someone else actions have the effect on you as it is. YOU can still love a person, but NOT love their actions or behavior.
I strongly recommend that you look at starting to go to Alanon. I resisited and only continued to suffer. Until I hit bottom and there was no where else to go. Your dad and moms actions are NOT going to change because of YOU. It is going to change because of THEM. They are responsible adults and will learn to take care of themselves. It is amazing what we can do when we are faced with such a difficult situation. In Alanon we learn that WE HAVE CHOICES. You have choices right now. You can continue to enable them, and THINK you are helping them, or learn better ways such as detachment (with love). Not detaching from a person, but from their actions, and feelings of resentment. You can learn to make good choices. You can learn to let go. You can learn to live in peace. You can learn healthy boundaries. And most importantly Jess, you can learn to live again.
This means you must start by learning, It all begins with you!
We on the board will always be here and you are welcome to always talk, or listen. But once you learn it begins with you, then I would humbly suggest that you start with Alanon. They will tell you there, give it six meetings and then make a decision whether the program is right for you. No contracts, no chains, no penalties, you are always in control. The only thing you have to lose is your pain!
I pray for your peace.
Ken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: montpelier
Posts: 3
Thanks for all the great replies, it does feel good to know that people here understand or can sympathise with my feelings on this. I've told my father one hundred times in the past few days that I'm not going to be put in the middle of this, that I absolutely refuse, and I've told my mother the same thing. Is it normal though, for an alcoholic, when they hit rock bottom, to just feel so sorry for themselves that they drink even more??? I will say, I'm actually suprised that he hasn't been a lunatic about the whole thing, for the most part, he just cries and cries.
Jessika
Jessika
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Jessika, and welcome to SR.
I'm really sorry to hear about all the troubles you and your family are going thru. There's nothing worse than to see a loved one suffer.
My dad would get into those "funks" where all he did was drink, cry and wallow in self-pity. I have learned in al-anon that trying to talk in a rational manner to a person who is irrational from chemical self-medication is a waste of time. Instead I worked on being rational with _me_ by healing _my_ emotional wounds. I found Al-Anon and ACoA to be wonderful programs of recovery. Check out the "sticky" posts over in the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums, there's tons of wonderful information there.
We're glad to have you. We all get well together and having a new person come and give us fresh perspectives is wonderful.
Mike :-)
I'm really sorry to hear about all the troubles you and your family are going thru. There's nothing worse than to see a loved one suffer.
My dad would get into those "funks" where all he did was drink, cry and wallow in self-pity. I have learned in al-anon that trying to talk in a rational manner to a person who is irrational from chemical self-medication is a waste of time. Instead I worked on being rational with _me_ by healing _my_ emotional wounds. I found Al-Anon and ACoA to be wonderful programs of recovery. Check out the "sticky" posts over in the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums, there's tons of wonderful information there.
We're glad to have you. We all get well together and having a new person come and give us fresh perspectives is wonderful.
Mike :-)
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Jessika,
I managed to get a little teary eyed as I read your post...
My mother passed away five years ago. I was the good little codie and jumped in feet first to save my alcoholic father. I too believed that he was unable to care for himself, I was wrong. After one particularly long conversation with him where he was completely trashed, I finally made the big decision to let him sink or swim. I couldn't financially help him any longer, and emotionally it was killing me. So I drew out the boundaries, I talk to my dad everyday, but only in the morning before he has had a drink. I will not spend time with him when he's been drinking. I never spelled this out for him, I just did it. Guess what? He can take care of himself! He got a job for the first time in years, he's smiling for the first time in years, and yes he's still drinking but I pulled myself out of the drama and we have a much better relationship for it. Not perfect, but better.
Stay strong sweetie, and keep posting!
Hugs,
Paula
I managed to get a little teary eyed as I read your post...
My mother passed away five years ago. I was the good little codie and jumped in feet first to save my alcoholic father. I too believed that he was unable to care for himself, I was wrong. After one particularly long conversation with him where he was completely trashed, I finally made the big decision to let him sink or swim. I couldn't financially help him any longer, and emotionally it was killing me. So I drew out the boundaries, I talk to my dad everyday, but only in the morning before he has had a drink. I will not spend time with him when he's been drinking. I never spelled this out for him, I just did it. Guess what? He can take care of himself! He got a job for the first time in years, he's smiling for the first time in years, and yes he's still drinking but I pulled myself out of the drama and we have a much better relationship for it. Not perfect, but better.
Stay strong sweetie, and keep posting!
Hugs,
Paula
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