Beachbabe

My addict mind is telling me "Just get 10 and enjoy them". It even tells me I deserve it! WTF!?

Why, after many weeks of being clean do I wake up this morning wanting my hydrocodone. Had I not flushed my meds and axed all of my ties, I would use today... I thought it was over.

Now Im filled with anxiety and a little anger because I miss that feeling. I played with recovery and made it this far so my addict mind tells me I deserve to use. GRRRR.

I am mad. Mad I cant use only a little. Mad I know that feeling and cant have it. Mad because of the hell this **** put me through yet I want to romance it for a few days. Mad, MAD MAD.

WARNING: To those new in recovery, this might happen to you. I was very strong in the beginning but as time goes by you forget the hell of it all and only remember the good feeling. I woke up this morning thinking about pills and I am pacing the floor so angry that I know that feeling and can NEVER experience it again.

I DID NOT see this coming, just the other day I was talking about how now I actually have days that I dont think about my meds. Then, out of the blue, I wake up today wanting them *almost* as bad as I want to be clean.

If this persists through the day, I will have to try NA. I have came too far. God must have sat me down finally and Im walking alone now. I dont have that triumphant feeling of kicking this demons ass and taking names anymore. I am back to feeling defeated and wanting to use.

To anyone this disappoints, Im sorry. Truth is the truth and it sometimes hurts.

I want that warm blankie feeling, that sense of well-being. I cant find it naturally, tried all my life.

I can promise you I want use, couldnt if I wanted to. I made sure of that when I made up my mind to do this.

I cant promise you I wouldnt use if I could. All the other days I could have said that. Now, almost a month into being clean, I want to blow it.

This is never going to end is it? I will want this **** all my life, wont I? I may have gotten clean enough to have some sort of awakening. I may just now realize I am living a life, drug free and that freaks me out.

Maybe the fog has lifted and reality had set in and I dont like it. Maybe I like that feeling more than I like myself. If I use, that is true... for if I use I will be handing myself over to the disease and I know as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, if I use now... it will be double the problem I had. Thats how my mind works. If I feel deprived, I over-indulge when the opportunity arises.

I dont even think anything Im saying is making sense.

Where did that strong girl go? You know, the one that came here, flushed her stash, withdrawed with ya'll. Where the hell is she?

She isnt me today. I admire her very much and I wish she would come back.

I want to use and it breaks my heart. Literally. Im not as strong as I thought I was. I suck. I dont have strengh, I have a hard head and thats the only reason I have made it this far.

I am ashamed of who I am today. I want to use.

Brian1978

I know how you feel. Hydrocodone was my drug of choice. I know what you are going through as i've been there, many, many times. The main thing is don't give up, I know it's hard but you can do it. Pray about it as I will also pray for you.

best

Natural feelings. They will pass. Don't be ashamed for being human.

God doesn't set us down. I have found that He opens his hand and allows me to try to fly when I am ready. Just as a small child who crosses the street by themself for the first time... The parent is there, watching and ready to give a hand as needed.
If things become to much and we realize we are not strong enough, it is then that we will turn and ask for God's strength and help. He is there and always will be. Ask and His strength will be given. You will get through this.

illbeback

This happens, Beachbabe, but don't let it get the best of you. You CAN beat it! I, too, am feeling weak this morning. I had almost no sleep last night (odd, because I had been sleeping OK for the past few nights) and I'm just so tired. I want some hydros, but I will not have them. I want a cigarette even more. That's the urge I'm fighting this morning. Let's both stay strong!!!

Beachbabe

Whoa... God. Those feelings were so strong this morning. I got my shower and started my day and now feel like that hard-ass, determined girl again.

That was a dark time for me. My first one. The first of many, I am beginning to realize. Where did it come from? Why did I go from being so confident in NOT wanting to ever use to pure aching for it.

That weakness in me sickens me. I will make it another day but it wont be without ya'lls help.

Im not the bad ass I think I am... I am an addict in denial as to how sick I am. I dont care how much of a bad ass I think I am, this mess will haunt me for the rest of my life. Either I suck it up and own that. Or I fight it thinking 'I can beat this, Ive overcome much worse' and relapse. 'Much worse' may have been much worse but it wasnt addiction.

Illbeback, I apologize most to you because I know you have tried to draw strength from me in your fight. Im not perfect. I wanted to use so please remember I too am sick. I am not a Dr, I am just someone walking beside you. I might fall. All we can do is try to keep eachother clean and on our feet walking this journey. If you lost respect for me, I understand for I lost respect for myself because of this morning.

Im back in the game now though! No urge to do anything but get offline and go sell something. Love to all of you. Lord knows I need some.

I will make it through today, this I know. Not feeling so cocky about making it for a life-time so from now own it is one day at a time and if that gets to be too much, one hr at a time.

I learned something from that dark hour: If you refuse that urge, it will pass. If you play into it, you will no longer be in recovery, you'll be using... probably moreso than before. This morning was worth it for such a valuable lesson.

I suppose it boils down to this: I had to learn to be an addict. I am going to have to learn how NOT to be one too. There is just a lil more to it than simply not taking the pills. This morning taught me that. So, it was not in vain.

I thank god it didnt come on me in a time where things were particularly bad or stressful. I need to have a plan of action for that.

dakota110705

Aaawww Beachbabe....I'm so sorry you feel this way today...I wish I could say something to make the bad feelings just go away I've been through (and still go through) that good day bad day thing...sometimes I feel at the top of the world and feel like I know in my mind I will never drink or use again....and then BAM....it just hits you...your old thinking, and missing the feeling. But I can tell you, do anything you can to NOT USE....and it will go away, eventually. One thing I do is think it ALL THE WAY THROUGH! I MEAN ALL THE WAY! I picture myself getting pulled over and arrested with my 2 1/2 yr old son in the car and going to jail for my 4th DUI, and having to leave my son and my family, because I've already had 3 DUI's...so this time would be serious jail....especially with a child in the car. (My other ones were before I had my son) Ok....I'm sorry I'm rambling now....but just hang in there...please. I know how you feel, I've been there. I will say a prayer for you right now............take care!

dakota110705

Oh...I didn't see your last post....Glad you're feeling better!

Beachbabe

Ya'lls prayers must be working... I now feel strong, happy, unashamed and ready for today... and tomorrow.

Thank all of you so much.

I need to figure out what my trigger was. But it would have had to have been a dream because I woke wanting to get up and use.

Sugah

Here's the "speech" part of my reply:

There is a reason many of us have sought help through NA or AA for our recovery. As much that this board can be drawn on as a form of support, it does not take the place of face to face warm bodies who understand. There's nothing like a tangible human being sitting across the table, sharing in a meeting or over coffee, or a real human voice on the phone any time of the day or night. The people who post here are real warm bodies, but in our aloneness with our disease, it's too easy to dismiss them as "virtual" rather than actual. So, I encourage you, as it may save your life, to get to a meeting and keep going.

Speech over.

I do understand, Beachbabe. I've been there, and in a way, I'm there today.

I'm really glad you made it through yesterday. Wouldn't hurt to take out a little insurance against the inevitable tomorrow....

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Phinneas

This is powerful true. I had to learn to do life all over again, clean and sober. I had to learn how to go to a restaurant and eat dinner, to socialize, to take care of bills, to make a dentist appointment.

Keep that healthy fear, Beachbabe, but put down the shame stick. If this were easy, we'd all have gotten clean on our first try and life would be glorious. The reality is that it isn't easy.

illbeback

Don't be ashamed of yourself, Beach! The urges are part of the process and it's natural. I'm no expert, but I imagine everyone has those urges from time to time. But, you did the right thing - you showered and got on with your day. You ARE that strong woman you think you are...but those pills are your kryptonite, so be careful!

golf99

Glad you made it today! I was a hydro junkie as well, only 6 days off. I know that feeling, yesterday I almost got some. I was going to ween off, what logic? It is hard, very. I took them to feel better as well, but, that feeling went away remember? We were at a point where we had to take them to be NORMAL, the high was well gone. Enjoy the day!

GOLF

Beachbabe

Golf... you are SO right... It has been yrs since I actually felt that feeling. I am near or at (stopped counting, is that a bad thing?) 30 days clean and for the first week or so just being clean made me feel high... not use to feeling anything.

I dont know what happened yesterday. I flaked out and it happened out of nowhere, which scares te hell out of me.

Your avatar is cute. Go Braves! hehe.

illbeback

I'm glad you're better this morning! The good news is, you now know these urges may come up from time to time. You also know how to handle it. The trick is to either go to meetings or make a call to a trusted friend.

Time2Surrender

The way your feeling is perfectly normal. And now is the time to take action. NA might be just what you need. Give it a try. It takes a lot of work. A sponsor, and actually working the steps. Those who are not willing to go to ANY lengths and do whatever it takes to stay clean have very slim odds of staying clean. On the days when you feel strong and good about being clean, your addiction is doing push-ups waiting to show itself again. I hope you do try NA. It may just save your life.

Beachbabe

Although I am doing very well on my own, yesterday really humbled me. I needed that. I had no urge to use AT ALL until like my 28th day, out of nowhere BAM. That scares me.

Your nick speaks volumes to me. I do need to surrender. I need to own I am an addict, no different that any other addict. With that being said... there are those that do it alone but for the most part, ones that try end up with alot of clean time then BOOM, use and blow it.

I dont want that person to be me. I dont want to walk into a place and have a pity party, please tell me NA isnt like that. I am starting to think about NA differently. My best friend could be there and if I dont walk the path God wants me to, I'll never meet him or her.

Why am I even walking this path alone anyway, I dont have to. I could have a whole group of people cheering me on. Like ya'll do. I bet you if NA didnt exist I would be bitching about why there was such a program and starting one.

So I ask you, because I have already asked myself a million times and get no answer, why cant I get in the car and go?

One thing that scares me if one of my friends had to do NA court ordered. Well, she made alot of connections there as to how to score. Those people werent there for the right reason, they were there because the cout made them. I am scared of running across a group like that.

That is the only answer I can come up with as to why I dont go. Im scared of meeting people that use. Not everyone is there because they want to be but because it is court ordered.

How does NA handle those people? And if I know of someone that is there using or pushing drugs, do I tell on them? No, I suppose I wouldnt because arent you welcome in NA even if you still use?

Ok, ya'll win, I'll go... IF! You will tell me what to expect. I have ya'll and Im so greatful for that, however, if I have people with ALOT of clean time telling me to get off my ass and go to meetings, there must be something to it.

I will go to try to find meetings now. I live in Tampa if anyone knows of one. Sick of walking alone. I love ya'll for what you have done for me but as someone said, this isnt face to face. Hell, for all I know all of you could be higher than a Georgia pine (though I doubt that) or I could be and blowing smoke up your ass.

I need face to face one on one accountability. Someone that can look and me or speak with me and know I am where I say I am, because Im sure they know ******** when they hear it.

I also need friends. My pills were my best friend and they wouldnt allow me to play with others. Truth be told, I am probably one of the coolest, sweetest girls on the world and I dont have a single friend. I didnt care until now.

I am a very lonely person now that Im clean. Before, being alone was the best! I have been alone for 10 yrs, what a waste. If you dont let people in you cant get hurt... thats always been my take on friends.

But if you dont let anyone in you always hurt, just in a different way... in a lonely way. Whoa, I am being WAY to honest lol. CLOSING! lol

Time2Surrender

I'm glad your here at SoberRecovery. I am also moved by your posts and your honesty. So, whats an NA meeting like? First, the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting. So, make sure evreyone knows your new. You will probably be given a phone list of womens phone #s. Use this list. Call someone if you feel like using. When the give out keytags, walk up and get a white newcomers keytag and a hug. If you have $10, buy an NA basic text. Read this book. It can change your life. Find a sponsor. Another female. NA is not just about meetings. It's a program of recovery. It's about working the steps. Try and make friends with the women who have a little time. Hanging out with nothing but other newcomers can be dangerous. Dont worry about the people with court slips. Some will stick around, most wont. As for drug conections? I have never had anyone try and sell me drugs at a meeting. Not that it doesnt happen, maybe it does. But I guess I could score anywhere if I really wanted to. Tampa has plenty of NA meetings. Go here and type in your zip code. http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/ You will find meetings in your area. And here is the NA home page. http://na.org/ I look forward to reading about your first meeting. Keep us posted.

BeginAgain

Hey Beachbabe,
I agree with everything surrender said. Give NA a try. If at first you don't find a meeting you are comfortable with - look for another one. There are bad apples in every bunch and sure there will be people at meetings that are there for the wrong reason. But there are lots and lots of people there for the right reason. Some of the best friends I've ever had came from those rooms - true friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin...good times and bad times.

I love the NA program - but remember there are other ones too. I am not going to sit here and say that NA is the only way because I know people who have been to other fellowships/programs and have multiple years of happy clean time under their belt. Celebrate Recovery (biblical based) is another program - I have been to their meetings a few times and I like them for something different once and a while. Also SMART recovery which has worked for several people on this board - I have not been to a SMART meeting but I did print out some of their materials and I use them to supplement my recovery.

The bottom line is that old saying - take what you can use and leave the rest. I have been to plenty of meetings where people are cross talking, getting completely off topic, arguing and basically NOT carrying the message - but in every one of those meetings I learned something - even one tiny thing - even just that it WAS NOT what a meeting was intended to be about. LOL But I have have many many more positive experiences than negative ones and I have been to alot of meetings in alot of different states...and even in a couple of other countries. One thing is universal - people are there to try and change their lives and to reach out for support.

Hang in there girl - you are right on track and you are doing great!!

aasharon90

Just remember you never have to face difficult times alone. People in these rooms are learning to stay clean and sober with help from the others by sharing their own experience, strengths and hopes. By sharing what ur going thru here, there will other that can relate to u. Which means, uve just gotten out of urself for a moment to help someone else. Thats the cycle that continues here to help each of us in recovery. PASS IT ON.

Beachbabe

I know sometimes it is better to leave ones mouth shut and allow people to assume you are stupid than to open it and remove all doubt, however, in this case I'll take the chance on appearing pretty dumb.

I want to go to a meeting and it is at 17:30... I dont know military time (at least Im smart enough to know what it is lol).

Can someone please tell me when that is. I *think* 1 pm is 1300 hrs?

I want to do this TODAY but dont feel confident that I have the time correct so if anyone can tell me when 17:30 is I would appreciate it.

Is it 4:30 pm? Or am I making it harder than it is and it is at 7:30 pm?

They sure couldnt make it any easier... hell, I could literally walk to this one, and very well might.