"jokes" or insults?
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"jokes" or insults?
I remember a day I felt good about myself. I did, I remember it.
When I first started dating AH, I thought he was so funny. He's charming and attractive but what stood out was his sense of humor. He's a joker, always has been. I can laugh at myself so even if his jokes poked fun at me, I knew who I was, what I was about, so I'd laugh with him.
What happened? Have his jokes changed or have I becaue now a days,
I can't laugh at his jokes that are geared towards me. They feel like insults and jabs. I wonder what happened along the way....was I just a dumb blonde at first or was I confident? I"m not sure.
His jokes seem to hurt sometimes. You know, jokes like, "oh the baby hit her head again, so much neglect around here." Well, that's just not funny when you're in the middle of cooking dinner, getting kids to do homework and have been cleaning all day. I suppose sometimes his jokes come at the worst time when I'm not ready....oh , I don't know.
When I tell him, "stop that, it's not funny or it's making me feel bad." He'll tell me I'm a baby who can't take a joke that he was just playing....of course, he says this in a nice playful way also while hugging m eor something. It's weird.
Anyone else experience the "jokes" that are somewhat insulting? He says them in a playful tone, they just aren't funny anymore, they sometimes even sting a bit.
When I first started dating AH, I thought he was so funny. He's charming and attractive but what stood out was his sense of humor. He's a joker, always has been. I can laugh at myself so even if his jokes poked fun at me, I knew who I was, what I was about, so I'd laugh with him.
What happened? Have his jokes changed or have I becaue now a days,
I can't laugh at his jokes that are geared towards me. They feel like insults and jabs. I wonder what happened along the way....was I just a dumb blonde at first or was I confident? I"m not sure.
His jokes seem to hurt sometimes. You know, jokes like, "oh the baby hit her head again, so much neglect around here." Well, that's just not funny when you're in the middle of cooking dinner, getting kids to do homework and have been cleaning all day. I suppose sometimes his jokes come at the worst time when I'm not ready....oh , I don't know.
When I tell him, "stop that, it's not funny or it's making me feel bad." He'll tell me I'm a baby who can't take a joke that he was just playing....of course, he says this in a nice playful way also while hugging m eor something. It's weird.
Anyone else experience the "jokes" that are somewhat insulting? He says them in a playful tone, they just aren't funny anymore, they sometimes even sting a bit.
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I dont know, Dan is a joker by nature. He always did that sort of thing, although in his defense, when I told him something was hurting my feelings, he made an effort to not joke in that manner any longer.
I think to be fair, I became very sensitive to his words. I took his disease so personally, without really knowing I was. So, these words that were meant as jokes from him, I took as a slam. One more way I wasnt good enough.
That was just me though. I am quite clearly a very sick individual!
I think to be fair, I became very sensitive to his words. I took his disease so personally, without really knowing I was. So, these words that were meant as jokes from him, I took as a slam. One more way I wasnt good enough.
That was just me though. I am quite clearly a very sick individual!
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right elizabeth, I'm not sure if it's that or what.
I think what happened is this...the stuff he jokes about was once funny. But, once the problems began to become obvious is when it changed. He'd come home after pulling an all nighter, ready to fight. Telling me all that was wrong with me, blah blah blah. I now see this for what it is....it was the turn around. He'd have to come home with some sort of story or reason as to why he was out all night. He had to have a way to point the finger at me so I couldn't be mad at him, so the spotlight wasn't on him. After a few of these episodes, I couldn't laugh at his jokes anymore because the very things he'd joke over, he also threw up in my face. So, were they jokes or stuff he really feels? You can't have it both ways. You can't expect someone to have a good sense of humor over things you've said also disgust you, etc. So, here we are now. He can't joke and I can't laugh at his jokes. sad, it really is.
I think what happened is this...the stuff he jokes about was once funny. But, once the problems began to become obvious is when it changed. He'd come home after pulling an all nighter, ready to fight. Telling me all that was wrong with me, blah blah blah. I now see this for what it is....it was the turn around. He'd have to come home with some sort of story or reason as to why he was out all night. He had to have a way to point the finger at me so I couldn't be mad at him, so the spotlight wasn't on him. After a few of these episodes, I couldn't laugh at his jokes anymore because the very things he'd joke over, he also threw up in my face. So, were they jokes or stuff he really feels? You can't have it both ways. You can't expect someone to have a good sense of humor over things you've said also disgust you, etc. So, here we are now. He can't joke and I can't laugh at his jokes. sad, it really is.
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If you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do, see Life Law #3: People Do What Works. They do what they do because you have taught them, based on results, which behavior gets a payoff and which ones don’t. If they get what they want, they keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don’t get the desired result, they drop that behavior and acquire a new one. Understand that here, as in all areas of your life, results, not intentions, influence the people with whom you interact. You may complain or cry or threaten to give them negative results, but if the bottom line is that you reward the behavior by providing a response that the other person values, then the person decides, “Hey, this works. I now know how to get what I want.”
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, you’re going to want to figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit, or allow that treatment. If you’re involved in a relationship in which someone is constantly abusive, exploitative, or insensitive to you, find out what you’re doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction…..
……Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
By requiring more from yourself and from your partner, you are, in essence, “changing the deal”. And make no mistake: Those with whom you are currently in relationships won’t like it. They will resist your changing the status quo. You taught them the rules, you’ve been rewarding their conduct, and they, like you, have gotten comfortable with the deal. If the price of poker is about to go up, it’s only fair that you warn them about the changes before you begin to respond to their behavior in a different way. If you have taught someone to go on green and stop on red, but not change the rules, he or she is entitled to know about the change.
From “Life Strategies” by Dr Phil McGraw.
If you don't find something "funny" now, then that's OK. If he wants to stay stuck in the past, then let him. Relationships would be deadly boring if both people stayed the same forever. We are always growing and changing, and the successful relationships move with that change. The ones that don't wither and die.
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Thank you Minnie. I've read that before, but each time I do, it speaks to me. I never used to really get that saying about "We teach others how to treat us" until I read that article some time back. Totally makes sense to me now. And it's very true.
There were times too that my ah would joke with me and I took it personal. In all honesty, I have looked back on some of those times (One incident I have on video) and I can see that he was just joking. But those words stuck with me. Gave me that feeling of not being good enough. And yes, as you mentioned as well, I'm sure it was brought on because of other issues. I think, for me, it kind of played into that old thinking of "He wouldn't treat me this way if I was a better person, better wife, prettier, etc" - therefore, my own low self esteem was only brought lower by my taking everything so personally. I went through a phase (of years) that I couldn't take a joke - from anyone!
I don't know your ah, so I don't know if he's joking or not. But if it hurts and you've told him so - and he continues to do it - then if nothing else, he's being very disrespectful and hurtful. If he knows it hurts and continues to do it - well, read the article Minnie just posted. He's getting some kind of enjoyment out of it - at your expense.
There were times too that my ah would joke with me and I took it personal. In all honesty, I have looked back on some of those times (One incident I have on video) and I can see that he was just joking. But those words stuck with me. Gave me that feeling of not being good enough. And yes, as you mentioned as well, I'm sure it was brought on because of other issues. I think, for me, it kind of played into that old thinking of "He wouldn't treat me this way if I was a better person, better wife, prettier, etc" - therefore, my own low self esteem was only brought lower by my taking everything so personally. I went through a phase (of years) that I couldn't take a joke - from anyone!
I don't know your ah, so I don't know if he's joking or not. But if it hurts and you've told him so - and he continues to do it - then if nothing else, he's being very disrespectful and hurtful. If he knows it hurts and continues to do it - well, read the article Minnie just posted. He's getting some kind of enjoyment out of it - at your expense.
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G thinks he is the funniest thing alive....I find his jokes very insulting. You're not alone. While we have all the responsibility....they have all the fun. I think its underlying resentment.
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My A jokes ALL the time....insults, jabs etc....I have a similar sense of humour and do the same back to him...but I also compliment him loads and tell him I love him.
A doesn't compliment me EVER unless in jest and NEVER tells me he loves me, even when I say it to him, he doesn't say it back.....so basically I just get "playful" insults all day everyday.
Alot of the time I can take them for what they are, jokes...But sometimes I don't wanna hear playful insults, sometimes, depending on what mood I'm in, they hurt and I don't take them as a joke...then I get the line you get...."can't take a joke"...."I was only messing"....."Gees you're touchy"...
If I tell him I'd like a compliment or something nice said to me for a change he gets in a huff....
*sighs*
A doesn't compliment me EVER unless in jest and NEVER tells me he loves me, even when I say it to him, he doesn't say it back.....so basically I just get "playful" insults all day everyday.
Alot of the time I can take them for what they are, jokes...But sometimes I don't wanna hear playful insults, sometimes, depending on what mood I'm in, they hurt and I don't take them as a joke...then I get the line you get...."can't take a joke"...."I was only messing"....."Gees you're touchy"...
If I tell him I'd like a compliment or something nice said to me for a change he gets in a huff....
*sighs*
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right missus, like that. I have the same type of sense of humor as he do but what he lacks is this....sometimes I'm in the middle of three different things at once (I have a house full of kids) and a "joke" catches me off guard because well, I'm stressed or busy or unable to focus. I wouldn't make those jokes when I see someone is in the middle of something and not in the mood for it....to me, it's these times that the joking bothers me. Why can't he gauge when it's okay and when it's not like others can and do. there is a time and place for that type of thing.
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