helluvagalnva

I feel like I'm on overload............I'm really depressed. I can't seem to make any decisions and if I do I'm second guessing my decisions. I've been so wishy washy!! I'm beginning to feel like all I want to do is hybernate.

I finally made the decision to keep an open mind about getting back with my husband. He told me that he really wanted his family back and I honestly do believe that he does. I have a change of heart since Thursday night when I asked him to pick up our children from my mother's and meet me at my house and if he would watch them at my home while I went on a job interview.

I got to my house first. He walked through the door - I took one look at him and I said you've been drinking. His respose as usual. No I haven't. I said yes you have I can smell you. I got really upset and yes I know I knew better than to get upset. Like it does any good and I can reason with a drunk. I knew better but got really pissed off. I didn't speak to him and as he always does - has to keep on and on like he will be able to talk me into not being mad at him. He said - it's no big deal - why do you always have to make a big deal out of everything. I only had a couple.

The big deal is - is that you said you quit drinking on 01/01. You're getting ready to go to court and to jail for drinking and driving and we aren't together because of the alcohol and you say it's no big deal. Then he said why can't you just trust me, believe in me. At that point I just walked away because I felt myself losing my cool. Then on Friday - he came to my work when I told him that I was really busy and he needed to leave - he flipped me off. I think he was only kidding but still it bothered me a bit. Then on Saturday when we spoke. I asked him if he has gotten a job yet that I needed some money and his reply was - all you are about is money. That was it for me. No more chances.

I told him yesterday. No more lies, no more step toeing aroung the truth. The truth was is that I love him and will always love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. We are not getting back together because of these issues. I listed them out. He said I just don't understand and I said that's because you don't want to understand it's easier not too.

I'm really angry with myself because I didn't have more respect for myself than to go out and do exactly what he always did. I went out to a bar and drank way too much. I got drunk. I was smart enough not to drive but still. I'm extremely upset with myself. I've noticed - it's easier to forgive the A than to forgive myself. Maybe that's one of my biggest problems is that I don't know how to forgive myself.

How do I stop feeling sorry for the A. I know he loves me and I know he is really depressed. I have always just wanted to help him so he's not so depressed and hurting so badly inside. But I can't do that for him can I? Is that something he has to do for himself?

Thanks for listening
Love,
Galnva

Morning Glory

Galnva,

You can't do it for him. I can't do it for my son. I know my son is hurting and I know just exactly what he needs to do to deal with his issues, but he won't do it so my hands are tied. All I can do is try to be kind and respectful and let his life go. I keep our relationship distant because I've set my boundaries as far as the alcohol goes. I will always love my son too.

You're still inbetween, but it won't last forever. Just keep taking it a day at a time. You will come to a point where your decision becomes clearer. Mine came when the fear of my son outweighed my need and desire to help him.

You'll find your way too.

Hugs,
MG

kimmy20

I think you made a wise decision deciding not to get back with your husband. It was a good decison for you and your children. My mother always stayed with my dad when I was younger for us kids. But in reality it was worse for us because there were so many times I'd rather not have a dad then go through all the things he put us through with his drinking. Someone once told me that an alcoholic usually loses everything (usually their family) before they get help. Maybe, it will be a wake up call for him.

matters

It would be so wonderful if we could make their hurt and pain go away,but they have to want to get help and in return that will ease the pain. And on top of it alcohol is a depressant and just makes it worse instead of better. The whole reason they drink is to make them feel better and it backfires on them!!

Don't be so hard on yourself Galnva! You are not alone! Do something nice for you because you are worth it!

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
matters

Gabe

My ex would dearly love to get back together with my son and I as well. I will have no part of that because the man has made it obvious that he doesn't take his sobriety seriously. He was in rehab twice last year and was drinking again two weeks after getting out the second time. He has broken all faith with me; there is no trust left to rebuild. He has also jeopardized his time with our son, since I will no longer allow overnight visits.
I have had to totally detach myself from this situation. And while I feel very bad for my young son who doesn't understand a lot of what's going on, I know what I am doing is right for him and for me.
Hopefully, the alcoholics in all of our lives will have a spiritual awakening and begin building a saner life. But if they choose not to, it is up to us not to allow ourselves to be dragged down into the depths that the alcoholic can (and will) sink to. It is depressing to watch my ex ruin every good relationship he has left in his life. All I can do is pray for the man.
Prayers and good thoughts coming your way from me Galnva. I know what a tough spot you're in, hang in there and keep the faith.
Gabe

openseason

Even though my father was drunk the rotten things he said to my mother when drunk eventually build and build until the sober spouse cannot ignore it anymore. This is because the alcoholic spouse has the power to destroy like no other person. My mother had many exchanges with my father when she knew he had been drinking just like you describe. He always said it was nothing. The alcoholic is having the time of his life. The wife and the kids suffer the most. I once had an unexpected chat with a close relative of a famous boxer. I am not going to say the name. He said those fights you see in the ring are nothing. You should see him when he would take on his mother in law on a Saturday night after they both had been drinking, she fights really good, she can throw him around. I felt so sad, who wants to live that way, but alcohol causes fighting.

Ann

Galnva

None of this will stop until you decide it is time to stop. And the way to get strength to do that is to go to meetings and learn to work the steps. Read everything you can find on codependency and learn to understand yourself.

I knew more about addiction and cocaine than I ever knew about codependency, and when I discovered MY problem, I had already turned my focus away from him and his problem.

I know it hurts, and I know that we love our addicts. But like the drug makes them sick, they make us sick...and until we give up OUR addiction (obsession with them) we will just get sicker and sicker.

Make a list, Galnva, of things for you. Make a date with yourself to go to a meeting; take yourself to a library or book store; buy some cheap candles and some nice music and enjoy your recovery.

sugar52

dear galvna,
so sorry for your pain and heartache. it sounds like you've been around the block more than once with husband. been there, done that and just waiting to see if i'll be where you're at. i think it's all about boundaries and my own recent venture towards recovery is teaching me that i need them. i just heard the other day, a saying that made me think.
an action(mistake) once is a fluke, twice is a coincedence, and 3 times is a pattern.
i sat and thought for a long time about that and decided this could apply to me as well as my husbands drug use and abuse.
i don't know if that helps put reality into a simpler perspective for you, but i know it did for me.
give yourself time for detachment and self-love and try to take care of yourself with kid gloves. this family illness leaves scars and shakes up all of our feelings and can be very painful. i'll remember you in my prayers.
hugs from sugar

Kittycat

Dear Galvna...............
it is all just crazy isn't it? I am sorry you are so down...this guy seems to cause you so much pain.....and UGH that flipping you off just reminds me of the way my A used behave when he was drinking...I could not handle the disrespect. You deserve so much better than that.....!
Love Kitty

bonbon

Gal,
(((((((hugs)))))))) Good to see you! Sorry to hear your having a hard time. You know just like I do that it gets better. I know with me it is such a help that my x-A is not around alot, therefore I dont have to be "tested" with hearing his pleas for wanting me back. I dont have to worry about him calling me alot, he just doesnt do it. I will say that has been a HUGE help in my healing. Out of sight Out of Mind thing. Sometimes you need a break from the thought of hearing his voice to seeing him if possible, I know its hard.

Things come to light just when they need too...trust your HP for that. Hang in there...I KNOW you can make it!!!

Love ya bunches!

helluvagalnva

Thank You for all your support. I read a post yesterday that really made me think. I've been looking at things all wrong. Last night I realized that I've been thinking and worrying about what I don't have instead of concentrating on what I do have. I really do have alot of positives in my life and for whatever reason I've been thinking way too much on the negatives.

I have a great job that I really love. I have three wonderful and beautiful children and many terrific friends that love and support me no matter what. I also learned that I'm my own worse enemy when it comes to forgiveness. I expect for everyone to be perfect and expect nothing less of myself. Even more so for myself. Today.....I'm aware of this and I'm going to try to change my way of thinking because I know no one is perfect including myself. Now looking back on things - I would be hard to live with too because of my sickness. Always having to live up to me and my expectations. I need to work on this with my kids too. I've also noticed that I don't trust anyone including myself.

Damn, I have alot of work to do. I guess I just took the first step. Admitting it!!

Thank You,
Love,
Galnva

sadgrandma

I think you handled that meeting with him just fine. Look at it this way ...if you don't take him back drinking, it might eventually save his life.

Hugs and prayers,
sadgrandma