How can I be there without losing myself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: somewhere, Nova Scotia
Posts: 6
How can I be there without losing myself?
Hi there..Im new here…but not new to the disease of alcoholism…I have been recovering now for 9 years…I am the child of an alcoholic home… and suffer from typical issues…no boundries, feeling responsible for everyone and their feelings…blah blah blah…and I am watching my best friend spiralling downward as her disease is progressing. Suffering from it, and watching it are two different things, and now I am seeing myself through different eyes…and wondering how I can best be there without enabling the illness and making things worse instead of better.
She openly admits she is alcoholic…and is on and off the wagon… quitting and giving up hope and going back, one step forward, and two back…sigh…the real person, hiding beneath the veil of the disease is wonderful, and I love her dearly. The addiction is ugly and miserable, selfish. We had a bad argument this week, because I made the mistake of trying to talk to her when her disease had a hold of her…anyway, she has admitted that she has a problem, and is alcoholic, but aa turns her off...and on top of this is seeing a counsellor because she had been raped last year (this of course has aggravated the addiction) I am trying to hold on and be supportive, but I am also afraid of losing her and her friendship. You read about tough love and stuff, but it is very hard for me to assert myself at times. Any suggestions on how to manage myself around her as she is trying to get clean…
a lot of my friends and family look down their noses at the fact that I am close to a struggling addict, even though I was there myself years ago. It is hard dealing with the moods surrounding the addiction…and watching her appear and disappear as the addiction continues to pull her down and up…how can I be there for her without losing myself, and am I a fool? I fight with these questions daily…any advice?
She openly admits she is alcoholic…and is on and off the wagon… quitting and giving up hope and going back, one step forward, and two back…sigh…the real person, hiding beneath the veil of the disease is wonderful, and I love her dearly. The addiction is ugly and miserable, selfish. We had a bad argument this week, because I made the mistake of trying to talk to her when her disease had a hold of her…anyway, she has admitted that she has a problem, and is alcoholic, but aa turns her off...and on top of this is seeing a counsellor because she had been raped last year (this of course has aggravated the addiction) I am trying to hold on and be supportive, but I am also afraid of losing her and her friendship. You read about tough love and stuff, but it is very hard for me to assert myself at times. Any suggestions on how to manage myself around her as she is trying to get clean…
a lot of my friends and family look down their noses at the fact that I am close to a struggling addict, even though I was there myself years ago. It is hard dealing with the moods surrounding the addiction…and watching her appear and disappear as the addiction continues to pull her down and up…how can I be there for her without losing myself, and am I a fool? I fight with these questions daily…any advice?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: washington pa
Posts: 104
Welcome dolphingirl! I dont have any advice, but some things for you to think about. She's your best friend and you love her. Theres no doubt about that. The only thing you can do is be there for her. She has to make the decision about getting the help she needs. Im sure youre well aware of that because you been there and done that. I congratulate you for that. Well I'm gonna leave you with best wishes and good luck in whatever you decide is best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: somewhere, Nova Scotia
Posts: 6
Thanks Princess...nice to meet you. I hate this damn disease...it robs so much from so many great people...but youre right...all a person can do is be there...and as she has told me in her more aware moments, all a person can really do is listen and validate...its her journey, not mine...I must fight the compulsion to fix everything. It is not my job to "fix", and I do believe that some of the lessons from addiction that are learned are personal. I am a witness to the disease. And the one thing I wont do is get involved in a heated discussion if/when she relapses and drinks. Ugh. The real person underneath it all is wonderful...I just miss her when she disappears. Thanks so much...
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
It's hard real hard, and I'm sorry
I relapsed with 11 yeaRS, so yeah , It's probably driving you nutz.
The woman is drives me crazy!!!
It's night and day compare to how she was 5 years ago. We been together
for 9 years.
I'm sorry...there's nothing you can do.
I tried and I suffered. But thur all of this
It froced me to look closer at who I am and reserch
and read my ass off about the depth of the disease
and how it effects everybody. I too came from an alcoholic home.
They're still in the old behavior and of course I'm the sick one.lmaf
for admitting or see the damn elephant in the living room all these years.
We've been affected already.
You know we have a homing beacon. Animals knows when to
fly south, or selmons swim up stream..etc.
With HumaNs it's not geography.
We don't need to go home, we bring home to us.lol
We have a threashold to all this chaos already.
The principle is the same, if you been in recovery for a while.
Loving myself and helps, much.
I'm powerless over her.
I relapsed with 11 yeaRS, so yeah , It's probably driving you nutz.
The woman is drives me crazy!!!
It's night and day compare to how she was 5 years ago. We been together
for 9 years.
I'm sorry...there's nothing you can do.
I tried and I suffered. But thur all of this
It froced me to look closer at who I am and reserch
and read my ass off about the depth of the disease
and how it effects everybody. I too came from an alcoholic home.
They're still in the old behavior and of course I'm the sick one.lmaf
for admitting or see the damn elephant in the living room all these years.
We've been affected already.
You know we have a homing beacon. Animals knows when to
fly south, or selmons swim up stream..etc.
With HumaNs it's not geography.
We don't need to go home, we bring home to us.lol
We have a threashold to all this chaos already.
The principle is the same, if you been in recovery for a while.
Loving myself and helps, much.
I'm powerless over her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: somewhere, Nova Scotia
Posts: 6
Yes, and thanks...being powerless over the addiction is one of the biggest truthes that I need to understand. I am trying to be the strongest person that I can be...it is hard...but as I have heard you didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it.
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