Hurt not mad

Old 02-09-2006, 03:55 AM
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Hurt not mad

Since I've been coming here, I have had great success in seperating myself from my husbands drinking. I go about my business, I cook for myself, I don't plan my work around his drinking anymore, if he's home great, if he's out drinking, I don't call, I don't wait up. It has been very healthy and emancipating for me. My step son is home for a visit, he is 26 and his divorce was final last week. They have gone to the bar in town every single day this week at 1pm and stayed until 6 or 7pm. No call. Four days in a row now. Yesterday, they both came home walking sideways. I got no call so I didn't cook. About an hour into the grammys, my husband said he was out of beer and was going to the store across the street. He came back an hour and a half later. He had not gone to the store but to the bar around the corner. This did urk me as he left our drunk step son babbling to me. I went to bed. Later in the night my husband was drunk and stinking of alcohol when he came to bed. He fell asleep and pulled me close, I just wormed away. He talks in his sleep and said, "Hurry up, s--- my c--- and hurry up, my wife will be home soon." Then in fragmented sentences he said, "yeah, she's a nice girl but that's just BS". I have learned to control my anger, how do I interpret what he said and should I forget what he said or investigate it?
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Old 02-09-2006, 04:04 AM
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ps my husband doesn't use that kind of language when he's sober or when he is sexual with me.
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Old 02-09-2006, 04:13 AM
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I don't know how much you can read into dreams. D's just had a couple of weeks dreaming he drank but he didn't want to and that he did was what made them a nightmare - apparently that's very common. I remember as a kid I once dreamt I killed somone - it was HORRIBLE, I woke up eventually distraught and I can assure you I've never killed anyone!!

I think you should tell him what he said because it is playing on your mind but not as a challenge more because it was bound to effect you.

I've dreamt about things I have done and things I haven't, things I'd never do and things I'd think about - if I was talking through all of them it would paint a pretty confusing picture!
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Old 02-09-2006, 05:35 AM
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I am pretty lucky to have a job where everyone likes me and likes working with me. I'm not sure I'd have much esteem if it weren't for my job. I will turn 50 this week. I am wondering if when you "detach", do you make a statement about it or do you just do it? I have been detaching and my husband hasn't even noticed. How much do you detach? My husband is drinking himself stupid everyday. I suspect as I pull away sexually, he will find that somewhere else too. Do I just let him go?
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Old 02-09-2006, 05:44 AM
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Hmmmmm, this is a difficult one.

I would investigate further to see if there has been something else going on besides the drinking.

We all know that infidelity and alcoholism go hand in hand. Its all risk taking behaviour in one form or another.

I wouldnt make a statement about detaching. I would just do it. For me, any statements i made were not taken seriously and used against me somehow at a later date.
The old cliche is true. Actions do speak louder than words.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope he hasnt been up to anything bad. You are putting up with enough.

((((((((((MELLOWCUP))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 02-09-2006, 06:03 AM
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Hiya Mallowcup!

I'm married to a drunk sleep talker too. My husband says some of the most disturbing stuff in his sleep, stuff I can't even write here. It only happens when he's drunk, why we don't know. Him and I have talked about it... he's mortified that he does it, and I'm mortified when I hear it. However... he still keeps drinking, and it keeps happening. SO... I do the only think I can to protect my serenity, I either don't sleep with him when he's been drinking or I wear earplugs.... anything to keep myself from hearing his verbal spewing!

I don't read into my husbands dreams only because I know that I've had some dreams myself that have made me think, "WTF? Why on earth would I dream of that?"

Hope this helps!
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Old 02-09-2006, 06:20 AM
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let it be

My goodness, you are in the thick of it doing so well in the middle of that lunatic disease of alcohol. I read something yesterday in my Alanon literature that applies to the question that you asked. A woman had an alcoholic husband who was drinking, disappearing, etc. She learn to start pushing her antennas down. (the ones that 'keep us safe' by hearing, seeing all the clues that we are about to be abandoned) She pushed them down in her head, and refused to sniff out clues. She stopped wondering about stuff and got on with her life reaching for the things that made her happy. Her husband made whatever his choices he had to make. She learned the secret: her happiness was provided by herself all during that time. During that time she was serene, she filled her days with activities or quiet times that brought her peace and happiness. Her husband was miserable, but he couldn't have discovered who he was, if he was happy or miserable if she kept interfering. So, she didn't and that was the happiest choice she ever made. The end of the story? I don't even remember it. All I remember is that she pushed down her antennae and refused to pay so much attention to his "clues" and paid attention to her happiness.

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Old 02-09-2006, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by vonnie61
All I remember is that she pushed down her antennae and refused to pay so much attention to his "clues" and paid attention to her happiness.
I understand the point of focusing on your own happiness for sure. However, in this day and age, pushing your antennae down, ignoring certain clues, can be hazardous to one's health. (If you catch my drift).

I have found that alcohol induced sleep talking to be very disturbing. In my opinion it is the subconscious mind showing it's true colors. Is it something to worry about? It depends on the content and severity of what's being said. JMO.
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Old 02-09-2006, 07:53 AM
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As I see it, my other option is to turn over the different possibilites in my mind. Or to ask the person if there is anything going on, get the answer and then turn over and over in my mind if I think it is true or not. (I've done that and done that and done that)

And the only way to "know" all these answers .... well, there is no way truly to know. So, I believe for myself I have to accept that reality and look at my options.

Am I in a relationship with someone I don't trust?
Hmmm maybe I have reason to not trust this person.
If that's true, maybe I need to do something else.
Am I important enough to be with someone I trust?

Important questions for me.

The fear of abandonment and the pain of rejection caused me to not be able to know what to do for many years of my life. I worked under the radar all those years, trying to keep myself safe by anticipating peoples' actions, etc. It made me sick. It made me so unhappy. I deserve happiness. I only have begun to change in Alanon. I don't have all the answers, I know though, that living with someone who I don't trust just tells Vonnie that her happiness is not really very important.

Today I know that my happiness is really very important.

Vonnie
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Old 02-09-2006, 01:33 PM
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I too wonder about the things that my A says. When I have confronted her after the drunk of what she says she says she would never say anything like that or that I took it wrong. Right.... Anyway,I tend to agree that is is something in their subconscious mind. In my case they were 180 from reality. But,it's still hard to not let it brother you. Just my two cents.
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