When will I EVER learn?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
When will I EVER learn?
Please don't say I told you so.... 
I'm sure most of you have already guessed what would happen next. And you know I couldn't not tell you.
Yesterday....he was a completely different person. He was nice. Patient. Talkative. Understanding.
I thought something I said got through to him!! In the back of my mind I thought his "new" attitude had something to do with me giving him money, but that d@mn heart got in the way and said, No...it was something I said. I honestly thought....this time!! We can get through this too.
Guess what happened today? I can tell you what didn't happen. He didn't pay the sitter and hasn't answered his phone. Yep....I slipped and called him about 10 times trying to get him to answer. I left him 2 messages and even drove to his apartment and gave his roommate a written message to call me. And I told his roommate why I needed him to call me....So I could tell the sitter when she was going to get her money.
Right back to where we were four days ago.
What a huge slap in the face. I feel like a freakin fool. Stupid is the first word that comes to mind when I think about the last few days and what I did to myself. STUPID
I asked him to tell me if this is the life he wants...and if it was I would walk away and he'd never hear from me again. I think this was his unspoken words. Its time for me to walk away. God give me strength.
I'm sure most of you have already guessed what would happen next. And you know I couldn't not tell you.
Yesterday....he was a completely different person. He was nice. Patient. Talkative. Understanding.
I thought something I said got through to him!! In the back of my mind I thought his "new" attitude had something to do with me giving him money, but that d@mn heart got in the way and said, No...it was something I said. I honestly thought....this time!! We can get through this too.
Guess what happened today? I can tell you what didn't happen. He didn't pay the sitter and hasn't answered his phone. Yep....I slipped and called him about 10 times trying to get him to answer. I left him 2 messages and even drove to his apartment and gave his roommate a written message to call me. And I told his roommate why I needed him to call me....So I could tell the sitter when she was going to get her money.
Right back to where we were four days ago.
What a huge slap in the face. I feel like a freakin fool. Stupid is the first word that comes to mind when I think about the last few days and what I did to myself. STUPID
I asked him to tell me if this is the life he wants...and if it was I would walk away and he'd never hear from me again. I think this was his unspoken words. Its time for me to walk away. God give me strength.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
You know what we keep being told "Actions speak louder than words". However, I know how it is - yesterday's actions told you one thing and then today's told you another. It's no wonder we get mixed messages, not really a surprise that we give them either considering that we are reacting to the A in our lives.
Sorry that you had a bad day and that you find yourself feeling so down on yourself. We all fall Jessica. Don't be so hard on yourself. (((((Jessica))))
Sorry that you had a bad day and that you find yourself feeling so down on yourself. We all fall Jessica. Don't be so hard on yourself. (((((Jessica))))
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Jessica... It was a very ... enlightening? moment for me when I realized that I was just like the addicts. They could not believe what I said. My friends could not believe what I said. I could not believe what I said.
I said - "Never again."
I said - "I won't"
I said - "I can't do this anymore."
But I lied.
I said - "I don't need a recovery program, I know how to do this."
But I was wrong... everything I knew how to do - didn't work.
I didn't want to admit I needed help.
I didn't want to believe I was different from other folks.
I wanted to have a normal life.
I didn't want to obsess.
I didn't want to give in to the compulsive behavior.
I didn't want to live this way anymore....
.
.
.
.
... now, who said those things up there? The addict? Or the Anon?
What I know will work for the addict.... going to meetings, getting a sponsor, calling on others, working the steps, reading the literature... those are the same things that work for me.
I wish you the best.
I said - "Never again."
I said - "I won't"
I said - "I can't do this anymore."
But I lied.
I said - "I don't need a recovery program, I know how to do this."
But I was wrong... everything I knew how to do - didn't work.
I didn't want to admit I needed help.
I didn't want to believe I was different from other folks.
I wanted to have a normal life.
I didn't want to obsess.
I didn't want to give in to the compulsive behavior.
I didn't want to live this way anymore....
.
.
.
.
... now, who said those things up there? The addict? Or the Anon?
What I know will work for the addict.... going to meetings, getting a sponsor, calling on others, working the steps, reading the literature... those are the same things that work for me.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I could show you a stack of checks all written by my ex. $50, $100, one after the next. Once I learned about the cocaine and learned more about cocaine, I actually went back through the checks and pulled out the ones he had written. The fridge always had beer in it, but I had to go through the couch cushions to scrape up money for milk for the kids. I hope you are realizing that if anything ever happens to you, your kids are on their own. That money should have gone into an account with their name on it. As the years pass, you will see how much got tossed over the bar. A part of the money you gave him got tossed to the bartender as a big tip. He probably bought his "friends" a round or two. Menawhile the baby sitter is one of the few people you can count on and she is waiting for her money. I'm not sure why you trusted him to pay the sitter if there was even a chance he wouldn't. I have this visual image of you pouring sand into a rat hole.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
It has been said that we keep repeating our same mistakes until we finally learn our lesson.
It has also been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
This is none of my business, and you certainly don't have to answer this here, but - What was your parent's relationship like? What was the dynamics like between them? What was your relationship with your father like? The reason I ask is, by examining my past relationships with my family, I've discovered many of the reasons for my insane thinking and behavior. Your past relationships may offer you some insights and clues as well. Just food for thought.
(((Jess)))
It has also been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
This is none of my business, and you certainly don't have to answer this here, but - What was your parent's relationship like? What was the dynamics like between them? What was your relationship with your father like? The reason I ask is, by examining my past relationships with my family, I've discovered many of the reasons for my insane thinking and behavior. Your past relationships may offer you some insights and clues as well. Just food for thought.
(((Jess)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think it's very important to stop and ask yourself if you are in a healthy process of either doing the work required to have a healthy marriage or are you in the process of getting out of an unhealthy situation? It would seem that you are in the middle of no process at all. You are spending energy on things that get you no where at the end of the day. You are no closer to being in a healthy marriage and no closer to moving out of it. Why not start with a decision? Here's what I do with money now. I cash in the cans and donate the money, a tithe so to speak. I try to match whatever he spends in the bar as our tithe that week. Send that extra money to someone who can use it. What he's tossing over the bar could help a Katrina victim who doesn't have a warm bed or a meal. I do think enabling is a sin. Since I have adopted that thinking, I feel good about not buying the next round on my dime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((Jessica)))
Thank you all for your posts; I need to hear all this/ In fact, I just printed this out so I can read it until I can internalize this.
Jessica, I am sorry you are going thru this..... You are not stupid, but I know the feeling,too. You just give him the benefit of your doubt and hope for the best. In a "regular " marriage, I think that is good. I see myself in this same "dance"........ Trouble is, I guess I probably "feel stupid" when a part of me is yelling in the background that it is time for me to stop hoping he will do what I want him to do; it's a crap shoot. In many areas I have to face the fact that my AH has become unreliable (at best). It seems that is the case with you. I suppose AH knows that you will not let your children down, so he can assume you will "take care of it", if he doesn't get it together. I see now how mine has been doing the same thing, different verse. (Money is really all I can count on; who knows how long that will last...) Actually, I see that as I have tightened some of my boundaries, I notice the difference even there--in a good way.
Take care; keep posting. You are really helping me by writing about this, and I thank you (and the others with your good advice) for that.
Sending everyone of you a great big hug and wish for a wonderful day. Hope you all will do something nice for yourself, no matter how small! You all deserve it........you are very special people! :Valknees:
Thank you all for your posts; I need to hear all this/ In fact, I just printed this out so I can read it until I can internalize this.
Jessica, I am sorry you are going thru this..... You are not stupid, but I know the feeling,too. You just give him the benefit of your doubt and hope for the best. In a "regular " marriage, I think that is good. I see myself in this same "dance"........ Trouble is, I guess I probably "feel stupid" when a part of me is yelling in the background that it is time for me to stop hoping he will do what I want him to do; it's a crap shoot. In many areas I have to face the fact that my AH has become unreliable (at best). It seems that is the case with you. I suppose AH knows that you will not let your children down, so he can assume you will "take care of it", if he doesn't get it together. I see now how mine has been doing the same thing, different verse. (Money is really all I can count on; who knows how long that will last...) Actually, I see that as I have tightened some of my boundaries, I notice the difference even there--in a good way.
Take care; keep posting. You are really helping me by writing about this, and I thank you (and the others with your good advice) for that.
Sending everyone of you a great big hug and wish for a wonderful day. Hope you all will do something nice for yourself, no matter how small! You all deserve it........you are very special people! :Valknees:
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
(((Jess)))
You are getting there. In a round a bout way, but when you get tired of it, you will be tired of it.
Dont be hard on yourself. Hes not in your home, hasnt been, doesnt sleep in your bed, and doesnt drink in your house. Dont forget to encourage yourself by reminding yourself how far youve come and the hurdles youve already jumped
You are getting there. In a round a bout way, but when you get tired of it, you will be tired of it.
Dont be hard on yourself. Hes not in your home, hasnt been, doesnt sleep in your bed, and doesnt drink in your house. Dont forget to encourage yourself by reminding yourself how far youve come and the hurdles youve already jumped
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Jessica, no told you so's from me my friend.
Hope it's a beautiful thing. Never give up on it.
G however, has done nothing but dash any hope you may have.
You asked him to tell you what he wants.
Is it now clear to you?
I know it means nothing but.....
It speaks volumes to me of what he wants.
His actions are screaming of what he wants.
You must listen.
I'm sorry that some (me included) of us need these constant reminders
of what will never be.
Hope it's a beautiful thing. Never give up on it.
G however, has done nothing but dash any hope you may have.
You asked him to tell you what he wants.
Is it now clear to you?
I know it means nothing but.....
It speaks volumes to me of what he wants.
His actions are screaming of what he wants.
You must listen.
I'm sorry that some (me included) of us need these constant reminders
of what will never be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I don't think trusting someone and thinking that there's a better person in there somewhere is stupid. It's a good quality. Too bad there are those out there that take advantage of that. You are a good person, he's not. I don't think I need to say much else because I think you already know what you need to do. Take care of yourself and your kids. I hope you feel better today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Thank you all for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Today is better. I soaked up some of the feelings I've been feeling and I'm dealing with it. I'm sorting through it and I will process it. It can only make me stronger, right?
I do sound like an Alcoholic. But the difference between G and me...I will overcome my addiction to him.
I am learning. I just have to feel what my mind already knows.
I think I am more than able to provide for my kids finacially (thanks to that nice raise I got a month ago ) I NEVER put their needs on the back burner. If anything were to happen to me...they are more than taken care. I did loose control. I slipped and got sucked back in. But (and I won't say never) I am learned from each slip I take and I am working the process of getting out of an unhealthy situation.....I have spent these last 2 years working on me for nothing.
No, it does not suprise me that he didn't pay the sitter. I got caught up in that make believe world where G is ok and he does the right thing. (Funny how one day or one conversation could do that.) He did pay her today though. And hasn't called me back.....bothered, but not surprised.
No, I'm not stupid. I've been doing really good NOT putting myself down. I may have not reacted in the smartest manner, but I'm not stupid.
I agree, His actions are screaming. That is why I need to walk away and never look back. This is going to be the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do. I still have some unresolved issues I need to work through....but I will get though it.
Today is better. I soaked up some of the feelings I've been feeling and I'm dealing with it. I'm sorting through it and I will process it. It can only make me stronger, right?
I do sound like an Alcoholic. But the difference between G and me...I will overcome my addiction to him.
I am learning. I just have to feel what my mind already knows.
I think I am more than able to provide for my kids finacially (thanks to that nice raise I got a month ago
) I NEVER put their needs on the back burner. If anything were to happen to me...they are more than taken care. I did loose control. I slipped and got sucked back in. But (and I won't say never) I am learned from each slip I take and I am working the process of getting out of an unhealthy situation.....I have spent these last 2 years working on me for nothing.No, it does not suprise me that he didn't pay the sitter. I got caught up in that make believe world where G is ok and he does the right thing. (Funny how one day or one conversation could do that.) He did pay her today though. And hasn't called me back.....bothered, but not surprised.
No, I'm not stupid. I've been doing really good NOT putting myself down. I may have not reacted in the smartest manner, but I'm not stupid.
I agree, His actions are screaming. That is why I need to walk away and never look back. This is going to be the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do. I still have some unresolved issues I need to work through....but I will get though it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
This is the icing on the cake.....
I got the second half of the income taxes....I can't cash it unless he signs his name too. AND I CAN'T GET AHOLD OF HIM!!!
Can you say "SELFISH PIG"!!! Lesson learned...to bad this one bit me in the @ss.
You want to hear something really sick? I slipped so bad, my obsessiveness came back. I went passed his apartment twice to see if he was home (since he wouldn't answer his phone, I thought I stop by) I went shopping and every pickup truck I saw I looked to see if it was him, every where I thought he'd be, I looked in the parking lot to see if he was there.
ARGH!!! I'm driving myself crazy. **deep breath** Tomorrow is another day. It will be better. This is so not worth it.
He obviously don't give a sh!t about me, why the hell should I wonder/worry about him?
I'm only being honest....but I will pull it together. I hate the way I feel right now....so out of control. I will be better tomorrow.
my heart hurts
I got the second half of the income taxes....I can't cash it unless he signs his name too. AND I CAN'T GET AHOLD OF HIM!!!
Can you say "SELFISH PIG"!!! Lesson learned...to bad this one bit me in the @ss.
You want to hear something really sick? I slipped so bad, my obsessiveness came back. I went passed his apartment twice to see if he was home (since he wouldn't answer his phone, I thought I stop by) I went shopping and every pickup truck I saw I looked to see if it was him, every where I thought he'd be, I looked in the parking lot to see if he was there.
ARGH!!! I'm driving myself crazy. **deep breath** Tomorrow is another day. It will be better. This is so not worth it.
He obviously don't give a sh!t about me, why the hell should I wonder/worry about him?
I'm only being honest....but I will pull it together. I hate the way I feel right now....so out of control. I will be better tomorrow.
my heart hurts
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((jess)) each step, each non-action on his part , i hope, will make you stronger in your resolve to get to where you truly want to be - free to learn a new dance step. the jessica dance! ((hugs)) to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 14
Yep, its ok Jess,
just get yourself through the day....
I just posted to sunshine, its harder when they decide to ignore us, when they cut us off from our drug!
At least when you have some remorse and pitiful begging it is giving you a fix and you feel stronger in yourself...
but its really just delaying the inevitable. I hate the obsessing more than anything. 6 months on and i still do it occasionally.
I am having a bad time right now because i saw him in his car pulling into his new enablers mothers driveway yesterday. And i had a missed call at 12.30am on wednesday. So i have been making up lots of different scenerios in my head. Its nuts, but that is the nature of my illness... at least i can resist the urge to contact him or go to the mothers house and watch from the bushes over the road lol.
Anyway, we are here for you and we know what you are going through. Hugs to ya Jess
just get yourself through the day....
I just posted to sunshine, its harder when they decide to ignore us, when they cut us off from our drug!
At least when you have some remorse and pitiful begging it is giving you a fix and you feel stronger in yourself...
but its really just delaying the inevitable. I hate the obsessing more than anything. 6 months on and i still do it occasionally.
I am having a bad time right now because i saw him in his car pulling into his new enablers mothers driveway yesterday. And i had a missed call at 12.30am on wednesday. So i have been making up lots of different scenerios in my head. Its nuts, but that is the nature of my illness... at least i can resist the urge to contact him or go to the mothers house and watch from the bushes over the road lol.
Anyway, we are here for you and we know what you are going through. Hugs to ya Jess
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