You are in charge of your reactions!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
You are in charge of your reactions!
One of the concepts I learned thru alanon is that I am always in charge of my reactions.
Someone does something horrible. I can choose how I react. I can also choose not to react at all.
Someone does something to hurt me. I can choose to be hurt, or I can see how they are using manipulation and betrayed trust to hurt me. Then I also get to choose whether I trust them again or move on.
Each of us is in charge of ourselves. We came into this world by ourselves, we will go out of this world by ourselves. Believe in yourselves.
so much pain, so much pain in so many due to this disease. Choose life, choose your reactions and choose whom to love and whether they are worthy of your trust, love and commitment... or move on.
The world is a series of relationships. I saw my first husband cheat on me, treat me horrible, and all sorts of nasty. What do I have today? A program, a good man, great kids, wonderful personal growth, and he is right where I left him 20 yrs ago.
Move on, with life, with god and with faith.
For over the horizon is the sun, waiting to shine upon you, warm, inviting and full of serenity.
quietsins
Someone does something horrible. I can choose how I react. I can also choose not to react at all.
Someone does something to hurt me. I can choose to be hurt, or I can see how they are using manipulation and betrayed trust to hurt me. Then I also get to choose whether I trust them again or move on.
Each of us is in charge of ourselves. We came into this world by ourselves, we will go out of this world by ourselves. Believe in yourselves.
so much pain, so much pain in so many due to this disease. Choose life, choose your reactions and choose whom to love and whether they are worthy of your trust, love and commitment... or move on.
The world is a series of relationships. I saw my first husband cheat on me, treat me horrible, and all sorts of nasty. What do I have today? A program, a good man, great kids, wonderful personal growth, and he is right where I left him 20 yrs ago.
Move on, with life, with god and with faith.
For over the horizon is the sun, waiting to shine upon you, warm, inviting and full of serenity.
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Huntington, WV
Posts: 6
Thank you, those were some great insights. I completely agree with you on all of that. It's something I have been working through as well--learning how to stop being a victim and start making different choices.
Just recently, I was struggling with so much anger for my ex bf who is alcoholic. It was distracting me from doing things I needed to get done and normally enjoy very much. And that just made me angrier.
Then, I stopped, and thought, how can I deal with this? How can I get rid of this anger? I don't feel like he deserves my forgiveness, but I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be free from this anger that just grows the more I dwell on it, the longer I let it live.
And it occurred to me, right at that moment--all that emotional hell I went through was not his fault. He has always been the way he was. I chose to get upset, I chose to have expectations, I chose to go out with him and I chose to let it all get to me. And I'd been blaming him, all this time, for my horrible horrible emotional devastation. When really, it was me. My choice. Well, I'm not saying he's a great person and I'm not saying that makes me want to be friends with him. But it helped--that thought helped. And I won't beat myself up anymore for the choices I made--we don't always know or want to look at what we're getting into. The best we can do is the best we know how, and always strive for improvement and love.
Lol now I've gone off on a tangent--well, just wanted to say thanks for sharing that insight.
Just recently, I was struggling with so much anger for my ex bf who is alcoholic. It was distracting me from doing things I needed to get done and normally enjoy very much. And that just made me angrier.
Then, I stopped, and thought, how can I deal with this? How can I get rid of this anger? I don't feel like he deserves my forgiveness, but I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be free from this anger that just grows the more I dwell on it, the longer I let it live.
And it occurred to me, right at that moment--all that emotional hell I went through was not his fault. He has always been the way he was. I chose to get upset, I chose to have expectations, I chose to go out with him and I chose to let it all get to me. And I'd been blaming him, all this time, for my horrible horrible emotional devastation. When really, it was me. My choice. Well, I'm not saying he's a great person and I'm not saying that makes me want to be friends with him. But it helped--that thought helped. And I won't beat myself up anymore for the choices I made--we don't always know or want to look at what we're getting into. The best we can do is the best we know how, and always strive for improvement and love.
Lol now I've gone off on a tangent--well, just wanted to say thanks for sharing that insight.
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
((quietsins)) thank you for your post. right now, i have been upset and just depress about my family lately. I have cried nearly every day because I am just reached my breaking point. I have tears in my eyes right now. You saying "i can choose how i react. I can also choose not to react at all.Someone does something to hurt me. I can choose to be hurt, or i can see how they are using manipluation and betrayed trust to hurt me". Reading that makes me so happy about how God works in mysterous ways. My prayers were answered through your posts. your post has inspired me to be stronger and have the will to live for myself. I am filled with hope for myself, and for the fact that I will not continue to be hurt.
Thanks a million
Thanks a million
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Funny that I find this post in an ironic sort of way.
Ah and I were on the computer chatting on Instant Message. We ended up in a huge arguement. There were a few times that I realized that I was allowing it to take place instead of just removing myself from the situation. There were times that I felt myself so stark raving mad that I wanted to just burst! And there were times that I was actually laughing at some of the really stupid crap he was saying! And even times that I was clearly seeing how some things just have not changed. And what did I do? I continued through the arguement - each of us just adding fuel to the fire. It was not pretty. Till eventually, he said "Goodf***ingnight" and logged off the computer. Then today while I've been off and on the computer (but was invisable on IM) I saw him log off and on a few times. I am the only one that he talks too on the computer and he rarely is even on the computer other than to talk to me. I saw him log off too and realized that he was only online about long enough to check and see if I'd IM'd him or sent him an email - which I had not done. Then this evening, he IM'd me our son's work schedule. Hmm.......I personally think he did that in case I was online, I'd have possibly responded? Well, I was online but did not respond and still being invisable, he did not know I was online.
Ah and I had not spoken for a week. We had one small talk in person on friday evening (maybe 15 minutes) which didn't go well. I left it at that. He contacted me via IM on Saturday which led to our hours! long arguement. Today I did not respond, I did not contact him.
I realized that I need to stop putting myself in the chaos. I may not like what he does and what he does not do - I may not like a lot of things - but it's obvious that the things I needed him to do, etc. are not going to happen. He blames me still - twists things back to me - still tries to guilt me - still tries to manipulate me - etc. Only now I can see it. Only now have I finally begun to see that he is the way he is and obviously it is not going to change. At least not right now and not with me. Our situation is just ridiculous. And I'm emotionally tired of it. But also, I just have realized that it's out of my control. I gave him choices - and he continues to choose the path that he has. It's time I accept that in heart, body, and soul as well as just saying it.
I didn't mean to ramble on so long in this post, but I guess I am just amazed that you posted this when it looks so clear to me now. It's true - I am in charge of my own reactions. I am in charge of what situations I want to put myself in to some degree. I am in charge of ME!!!! And that's where the healing begins - within myself and that also means to stop putting myself in these situations with a person that is not changing.
Just like the saying "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and over expecting different results". I think I need to stop repeating my part in this because it's obviously not resulting in different results.
Thanks for the reminder. It struck home with me tonight as I finally "Get it".
Ah and I were on the computer chatting on Instant Message. We ended up in a huge arguement. There were a few times that I realized that I was allowing it to take place instead of just removing myself from the situation. There were times that I felt myself so stark raving mad that I wanted to just burst! And there were times that I was actually laughing at some of the really stupid crap he was saying! And even times that I was clearly seeing how some things just have not changed. And what did I do? I continued through the arguement - each of us just adding fuel to the fire. It was not pretty. Till eventually, he said "Goodf***ingnight" and logged off the computer. Then today while I've been off and on the computer (but was invisable on IM) I saw him log off and on a few times. I am the only one that he talks too on the computer and he rarely is even on the computer other than to talk to me. I saw him log off too and realized that he was only online about long enough to check and see if I'd IM'd him or sent him an email - which I had not done. Then this evening, he IM'd me our son's work schedule. Hmm.......I personally think he did that in case I was online, I'd have possibly responded? Well, I was online but did not respond and still being invisable, he did not know I was online.
Ah and I had not spoken for a week. We had one small talk in person on friday evening (maybe 15 minutes) which didn't go well. I left it at that. He contacted me via IM on Saturday which led to our hours! long arguement. Today I did not respond, I did not contact him.
I realized that I need to stop putting myself in the chaos. I may not like what he does and what he does not do - I may not like a lot of things - but it's obvious that the things I needed him to do, etc. are not going to happen. He blames me still - twists things back to me - still tries to guilt me - still tries to manipulate me - etc. Only now I can see it. Only now have I finally begun to see that he is the way he is and obviously it is not going to change. At least not right now and not with me. Our situation is just ridiculous. And I'm emotionally tired of it. But also, I just have realized that it's out of my control. I gave him choices - and he continues to choose the path that he has. It's time I accept that in heart, body, and soul as well as just saying it.
I didn't mean to ramble on so long in this post, but I guess I am just amazed that you posted this when it looks so clear to me now. It's true - I am in charge of my own reactions. I am in charge of what situations I want to put myself in to some degree. I am in charge of ME!!!! And that's where the healing begins - within myself and that also means to stop putting myself in these situations with a person that is not changing.
Just like the saying "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and over expecting different results". I think I need to stop repeating my part in this because it's obviously not resulting in different results.
Thanks for the reminder. It struck home with me tonight as I finally "Get it".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
