Making an expectation.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Making an expectation.
In plotting a surprise weekend away for D's 3 month mark by default I made an expectation he'd get there. That 3 month mark seemed so attainable when we first talked about doing something special for it, planned with the counsellor to mark the occasion - an important part. Then it seemed so unattainable and advice was more around stop counting, plans seemed more centred on damage limitation from lapses and what to do WHEN a full relapse happens. I don't think anyone expected him to fight as hard as he must have.
Booking the weekend, arranging it with his Mum, sorting the dogs, doing things because I had begun to expect felt like it would ginx it. I've felt more vulnerable, this feeling that it would be 'awful' now if he drank. It's brought back with it some old feelings, stirred up some moments when my mind has let me see dark things in my crystal ball. This is me - my mind - my creations of pain. This is NOT real.
While I have had a few bumps in the road, D has found solutions, while I have found myself nervous D has reassured, while I have felt sometimes like holding my breath 'God you're so close and I so want to give this to you' D has stayed planning his life sober. Sometimes he's wondered why I've seen a little less secure, but he says it'll take time to heal.
My bumps have been bumps - not cliff edges into oblivion, they've also been my own creation! It was the price of planning a surprise, this time I didn't know that would be the cost, but next time I'd pay it again because I'm learning from it. I'm learning about myself and I'm learning to value a life without holding my breath, to have held it a little while tells me it's no way of life.
I can't keep summer, or a waterfall - my knowing that means I never feel as though I must, when you hear a bird sing a solo - the skylarks in summer, and their song pierces the sky straight into the heart, my eyes close and I let it's value course through me, I expect nothing and get everything so pure. That's the love I want for my husband and if it took alcoholism to teach me that, then I guess I have something to be grateful for.
I'll book surprises in the future and let them remind me the difference between life on life's terms and life through my crystal ball.
Booking the weekend, arranging it with his Mum, sorting the dogs, doing things because I had begun to expect felt like it would ginx it. I've felt more vulnerable, this feeling that it would be 'awful' now if he drank. It's brought back with it some old feelings, stirred up some moments when my mind has let me see dark things in my crystal ball. This is me - my mind - my creations of pain. This is NOT real.
While I have had a few bumps in the road, D has found solutions, while I have found myself nervous D has reassured, while I have felt sometimes like holding my breath 'God you're so close and I so want to give this to you' D has stayed planning his life sober. Sometimes he's wondered why I've seen a little less secure, but he says it'll take time to heal.
My bumps have been bumps - not cliff edges into oblivion, they've also been my own creation! It was the price of planning a surprise, this time I didn't know that would be the cost, but next time I'd pay it again because I'm learning from it. I'm learning about myself and I'm learning to value a life without holding my breath, to have held it a little while tells me it's no way of life.
I can't keep summer, or a waterfall - my knowing that means I never feel as though I must, when you hear a bird sing a solo - the skylarks in summer, and their song pierces the sky straight into the heart, my eyes close and I let it's value course through me, I expect nothing and get everything so pure. That's the love I want for my husband and if it took alcoholism to teach me that, then I guess I have something to be grateful for.
I'll book surprises in the future and let them remind me the difference between life on life's terms and life through my crystal ball.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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I do not Adam and Eve it!!! I'm supposed to be working on saturday!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!
After all that it's looking like it will be ME that's totally messed up! I'll have to see if I can get a someone to stand in for me.. RATS!! I want to blub now!
After all that it's looking like it will be ME that's totally messed up! I'll have to see if I can get a someone to stand in for me.. RATS!! I want to blub now!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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I'll find out this afternoon. It was a pencilled in date that wasn't confirmed so I'd forgotten about it. I feel like poo, the people I'll have to ask are the ones who've been gossiping like mad over me taking time off last year.
This was originally my project but I had to hand it over last autumn because I knew I couldn't be reliable enough to do it alone - now in the planning team I'm about as popular as a dose of clap!
Okay - I confess I feel very sorry for myself, I want to run away....
This was originally my project but I had to hand it over last autumn because I knew I couldn't be reliable enough to do it alone - now in the planning team I'm about as popular as a dose of clap!
Okay - I confess I feel very sorry for myself, I want to run away....
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Eq, it's called "waiting for the other shoe to drop".
And as I said to my friend Paula...screw the other shoe.
If we live our lives in anticipation of the next disaster, well...what kind of a life is that?
Here's hoping you can change things around at work and that you two have a fab weekend.
And as I said to my friend Paula...screw the other shoe.
If we live our lives in anticipation of the next disaster, well...what kind of a life is that?
Here's hoping you can change things around at work and that you two have a fab weekend.
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