honeysuckle

well crap, I just wrote a long post and it got lost because the system said I wasn't logged in (even though I had logged in). But anyway, I'll shorten it and get to the point

I posted a long time ago and am happy to report that I feel much better about everything now, I am working through my issues with the exABF, not talking to him, I have been able to start detaching and forgiving so that I can move on with my life. I have been able to start moving on with my life! Little by little.

But I have an issue that I've been having trouble with and thought you all might be able to offer some kind of insight. I have been Casually seeing someone new who has gone through some bad relationship things too. He has an ex-wife who is the mother of his daughter; he sees his daughter every weekend. Last weekend we were hanging out and he was talking about how his ex was going to start dating again, and this small piece of information has been bugging me because I'm feeling insecure. He is still friends with his ex, although apparently, he said they had a train-wreck marriage and split up because she cheated on him. He and I are not actually in a relationship, just dating, but I'm getting to a point where, if things continue, I'm going to want to be in a relationship with him, when I feel more ready myself for dating.

But when he talks about his ex and his daughter, I still have these feelings come up, like, how am I ever going to measure up? I want to start feeling more confidence in myself, but this is a difficult hurdle. I've come to terms with anger and forgiveness, but self-esteem is something that's got me a little stumped.

I had this problem with my exABF too, although he kind of played on it. He told me his ex was a very bad, manipulative person who wouldn't let him have any contact with his daughter (and now I know why), and I was so worried I would become like her, and sometimes he would tell me he didn't want me to do something like collect teapots because She collected teapots and it would remind him of her (I so wish I would have told him that his issues did not have to become my issues). And I got so angry with this person I'd never met before that I got into his photo collection and cut her out of all the pictures. I tried to get him to fight for rights to see his daughter but he wouldn't.

In future relationships, I want to be able to separate other people from me. I don't want the other person's issues to become my issues, and I don't want to feel insecure over exes who didn't work out. I have a stepmom and I know she is still insecure about my mother, or at least she used to be, even though my mom is crazy and she and my dad should never have been together in the first place (except to have me of course :-)). Any help or insight you have on this subject is deeply appreciated. Thanks.

CarolD

Look for a guy with no kids less chance for ex's to be a factor.

I never wanted to be a step mom so I dated men with no children.

Younger men are also fun... ,more sex and less needy.

sunshinebluesky

I have struggled with the self esteem issue my whole life. my last relationship,i must say,is the one and only that worsened it BIG TIME.
how long has this new guy been away from his ex? firstly,i think it is normal for anyone to feel pangs of jealousy when an ex starts dating.he probably feels that, whether he admits it or not.its something he will just work thru,and will get thru--if he is truly over her and their relationship.
myself,i did have a revelation last week,about another boundary i am setting.i had a chat with my ex's old boss,who has been separated from his wife off and on for about the last two years. every time was supposed to be the end.the latest,being i guess sometime in the fall.well,he finally starts dating someone,and guess what? now,the wife realizes she wants him back.so they are making a go of it- yet again.after that conversation,i vowed to myself that i will not even date a man who i could fall in love with,that is just separated.i have seen this happen too many times.
i been away from my ex for a year. its only been in the last three months that my self esteem is much better (i dont think it will ever be there fully).it takes a lot of affirmations on my part to keep it at a healthy level.
i started going to the gym.at first it was to look good.now it is to be healthy.physically and emotionally.because i find it has done that for me.i feel proud of myself when i push it even just alittle. i feel proud of myself that im taking an interest in ME.
even though my body is starting to look better,i finally have realized that if someone REALLY loves me,its not going to matter if i gain 20lbs. well,it SHOULDNT.and if it does thats THEIR problem,not mine.and,if they are that shallow,they are not my kind of person.
i also realized that there are millions of women prettier,smarter,sexier,whatever.and guess what there are millions of MEN!! why do we,as women--do this to ourselves??! i know what i have to offer,and it is alot. i dont want to be with a man that doesnt appreciate that.
i also still believe that in a good relationship,you both naturally bring out the best in each other. if thats not happening,its not a good relationship.
i am finally realizing,that in a good relationship--you dont feel insecure. you dont feel ugly,fat,stupid...any of those negative things.
i also finally realized that just because I sometimes feel like a nothing,there are people who think i am something!
i also find that i need to stay social,to stay somewhat active,i need to take care of myself every single day,emotionally and spirtitually.eventually,it just got better for me.
another thing that helped me was a short,minor fling with a guy i knew there was no future with,but who hooked me in with his many compliments,and whether they were bullsh*t or not,hey they sure jumpstarted the self esteem back in the right direction!!
i am finally realizing that i am ME.and some men find me attractive,smart,sexy,funny. and some,is enough for me.all it takes is ONE!! hmmmmmmm now if i could just find him......................................

honeysuckle

he's been separated from his ex for at least two years if not more, and had relationships after that one and was actually engaged to someone else but they're not together now...but it seems that the one he had the kid with is the more significant one. And of course, he has to keep in contact with her since they have a child. I guess as with all things, I need to give myself time to be ok with this and not force it. Because forcing emotions is not only impossible, it leads to bigger problems, as I've discovered.

honeysuckle

[QUOTE=
i also still believe that in a good relationship,you both naturally bring out the best in each other. if thats not happening,its not a good relationship.
i am finally realizing,that in a good relationship--you dont feel insecure. you dont feel ugly,fat,stupid...any of those negative things.
QUOTE]

I believe the first part, and the second part to a degree. But I also think these things happen because you've made an effort on your part to feel good about yourself. A relationship is good if you are in a place where you can feel good about yourself, with or without a man, like you said.

The guy I'm seeing certainly never says anything negative towards me to make me believe that I'm not good enough. On the contrary, he only has wonderful things to say. But I'm still fighting the doubting voices inside my head that tell me I'm not good enough and that there's someone better for him. That's my problem when I find a great guy--that voice in my head tells me there's someone better for him. Why do I do that??

TRISH1011

I am possibly going to be a stepmom in the future.

It's bloody hard because she will always be there. And I have my issues of insecurity which I am going to have to deal with for her son's sake. I often become paranoid when he is nice to her (almost saccharine) and likewise when she is with him (but for different reasons. She was always able to wind him around her little finger in their marriage when she wanted something)

Unfortunately in relationhips, the other persons' issues, may well become your issues but you can control your attitude about the way it affects you.

He has a daughter which increases the likelihood of becoming involved in 'issues'. Especially when he gets to see her every weekend.

I don't think you need to worry too much. If he says he is not in love with her, he's very likely to be telling the truth. Unless you have something substantial to start doubting him with, give him the trust he deserves. I know it's hard, I am going through the same thing with my partner. (And we are called '2nd' partners by the media and all others which doesn't really help our self-esteem issues lol)

Hugs
Trish

sunshinebluesky

we all do that........ok,well alot of us.........actually,im afraid im gonna do that when i do find someone.................thats why im trying real hard to work on it NOW.....but sometimes,it seems to me,that if remember correctly--when i feel good in a relationship,it doesnt even come into play.

minnie

Red Flag alert! He has divorced, had an engagement AND had other relationships all in the space of a couple of years?

Perhaps your gut is trying to tell you something here?

You are aware that you have some self-worth stuff to deal with and that is the first step towards action. Have you thought about counselling? It worked wonders for me.

ICU

I agree with Minnie. I picked up on that red flag alert too! I think problems within relationships are there right from the start when people move on to new relationships too quickly without doing the required work on themselves first!

Just want to clarify something though, is he divorced, or just separated as you put it? Do you know - for sure????

Beautiful

The litmus test for me is to substitue "the gas station clerk" when I'm looking at a situation.

Would I give the gas station clerk money to live? No. Get a job.

Would I stand with the gas station clerk against her no good ex husband? No, but sorry to hear you're in a bind.

Would I feel inferior to the gas station clerk? No. I like me and have awesome qualities I bring to the table. She'd probably benefit from knowing me..........

Don't get me wrong. I like my gas station clerk. She's funny and personable but we're not connected on a mentally intimate level. And I wouldn't expect that she would give me money, either.

Gabe

Honeysuckle, who's comparing you to the ex?
Him, or you?
If it's you, fine.
You can change that.
If it's him, well...that crap oughta be against the law.
Comparing the present to the ex is a breeding ground for all kinds of negative feelings.
The relationships are exclusive of one another and are not up for comparative analysis.

mallowcup

Direct your words and thoughts forward,not backward. Be uncomparable. Be a breath of fresh air to him and to yourself. The past was full of lessons and heartaches but they were yesterdays. Today is a new day. What will you fill it with?

BlueMoon

ROTFLMAO

*wiping tears from eyes*

What can I say??
I agree wholeheartedly!

Plus - they're easier to train - less "bad programming" to erase!


I'll go stand in the corner now - - -

gelfling

When I got to this post, I stopped reading and had to jump onto my response. Gabe has it "aced" here for me.

My hubby's ex slept around. Okay. But there were things he asked me to do "like" she used to. He asked me to clean like his mom and use a certain polish. And make a certain kind of peach cobbler. Wanting to be perfect, I tried it all and learned very late into the marriage --30 years next week *OMG*-- that he created Mme to suit him and I wasn't allowed to be myself.

Instances like this, it's easy to lose your identify and personality. And if you're happy with the person you are...beware. Don't try to be the "perfect" girlfriend/wife. Don't go the "Stepford Route".

Now when something is said about his mom, blah, blah, blah, God rest her soul...I tell him, I'm Kathy.

honeysuckle

wow, thanks for all the replies. I wish I'd been able to get on here sooner to read them. But, I don't have the internet at home yet. :-( Well, I will soon.

Anyway, thought I would help clarify some things for you all. My ex did compare me to his ex A LOT and it sucked (but he wanted me to be as different from her as possible, which was quite a bit of pressure, considering she and I seemed to have some things in common, like our tastes, and being writers, and other stuff). However, the new guy doesn't do that, has never done that. I don't think it would even occur to him to do that.
I'm just so used to being compared that now I kind of do it automatically. Also, I said he was divorced from his wife for two years or more, but I believe it was a lot longer than that, since their daughter is 6 and I remember him saying something that indicated they weren't married longer than a few years after she was born. They are divorced, not separated. (Actually they were never legally married, but that is a different story.) And, he told me close to the time we first met that he has been single for over a year and had taken some time to work on himself so that his future relationships wouldn't be so screwed up. I admire him for that and wonder if I shouldn't do the same myself...however, I am kind of falling for him, as he is such a great guy. And that's why all this insecurity scares me so much. I go back and forth between running away, hanging on, and just putting it all on hold while I figure out some things for myself. Taking time out for myself is really what I feel is the best option, however, sometimes my feelings get in the way of that logic. Well, my feelings tend to get in the way of all logic, and I really wish that they would work together on this issue. Oh well.

bahookie

Can I just be a supergeek for a moment and tell you that to avoid losing big long posts you can:

When you've finished typing your post, press the crtl (control) key on your keyboard and A at the same time. This highlights everything in the post (it should turn blue)
Then press ctrl and C at the same time. That copies everything that's been turned blue. (you won't see anything, it's copied invisibly)

If, when you try to post, your text is lost, you can start again with a blank window. All you have to do is click in the bit you type and press crtl and V. That pastes all the stuff you copied before

Well, it might take one frustration out of your life!

Jane the nerd signing off

J
xx

CarolD

Another nerd here...

I write long stuff in Word
then Copy and Paste at SR

Then I can spell check and save a copy if I want.

BlueMoon

I'm with Carol - that's what I do.