GettingBy

I'm at a hard spot in my recovery. I'm realizing more and more that while I've learned to lovingly detach myself from my husband's disease. I'm having a hard time detaching from other people's pain from living with the disease.

Let me explain...

At times, I find myself taking some of the posts here on SR way too personally. I post a response, and though I have the best of intentions... I end up feeling bad when the poster continues to struggle with making their decision or making "progess." (I used quotations b/c I think progess is a completely subjective term.) I want so badly for that poster to see things the way I do. I sometimes fail to accept the whole, "Let go and Let god" thing.

I didn't realize just how un-detached I was until this past weekend. B and I were at a Super Bowl party at a friend's house. The husband (B's friend) got completely out of control drunk and worked himself into a drunken rage. Trashing everything he could get his hands on... in front of his wife and 2.5 year old daughter.

Today, I'm mortified by what I saw. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to "do something." Do what, I don't know. I'm taking the situation very personally... maybe because I know the wife has options... maybe because I hate to see a child witness that behavior...

Either way, I'm not detached. This man's drinking and the resulting problems are consuming my thoughts just like my husband's drinking used to.

Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Shannon

minnie

Me too. The zeal of the converted, I reckon. And you'll see it in my posts more often that I'd like - it's when I get a bit bolshy, like with Jess last night.

I have to make a real effort to stay in the "me" and attract rather than promote. Still a project for me. That's really all we can do, unless we feel able to have a word, but only to explain that we understand because of our situation.

I don't know if this helps (or is even relevant!), but my counsellor taught me to see stages of growth like this:

Unconscious incompetent - when I do something unhealthy without knowing it.
Conscious incompetent - when I know it's unhealthy but do it anyway.
Conscious competent - when I do something healthy but have to think about it.
Unconscious competent - when I do healthy things without thinking.

cwohio

oooo - i like that minnie - that's a cut and paste for me. sounds like your counselor is tops.

equus

I feel quite happy to offer what I can but there's a point where I know that just saying more won't actually add anything and that's usually my que to stop. I suppose I don't really think anbout that too much I just figure what I have isn't the right fit for that day or that person. It's not really so different to how I feel offering support re not drinking to D, as a friend I'm free to offer but it isn't always going to be the best offering or the best fit for what's needed. I'll only carry on if i think there's something fresh that might help arther than just continuing to offer what's already been said.

I've also had some sharp lessons regarding difference in perspective and not feeling things 'for' other people. I remember feeling a great deal for Mohamed, a small, slightly built sri lankan prawn fisherman who also did boat trips. In his village he is a teacher of languages a setter up of co-ops, a distributor of charity (set up a system for those that did boat trips to share out what tourists gave), basically rightly VERY respected and given a lot of honour. While on the beach asking whether tourists would like a catamaran trip, I saw him ignored, shoved, and shouted at. I felt for him.

When he returned to sit under the catamaran sails he said about the women who ignored him that he thought she had a mental problem so he had prayed for her. He had sympathy rather than anger or humiliation, he saw it in terms of his country's civil war which he described as a sickness with people losing how they should treat each other and becoming mad. His feeling about westerners was one of deep concern.

With the best of my imagination, the most willing intention to help - there's not a fat site I could offer to that, on that day I did the learning! But it wasn't until I had counselling that I realised it had a lot to do with where empathy goes wrong - if I feel I can KNOW how another feels, rather than treating others as I would like to be treated then empathy has turned into something else. Understanding that was priceless to me because I think I had felt that I KNEW how D felt. It made me step back but I don't think it lost me any healthy empathy.

DesertEyes

Heya Shannon,

Here's how it works for me, see if any of this makes sense to you.

There's a character trait called "compassion". I have this trait, and because of it I care about other people and what happens to them.

When I allow myself to use this trait in a positive manner I am able to show other people how my program of recovery works by being an example. Whether any part of my program is useful or not is not my responsibility. Sometimes I am able to be of service by doing simple things like giving people rides, listening to them vent, or even teaching folks how to do maintenance chores around the house.

When I allow myself to use this trait in a negative manner I find myself trying to obtain the approval and applause of other people as a result of doing "helpful things" for others. Mostly it's my low self-esteem that drives this, and because my head is filled with my own fears I am not paying attention to the _real_ needs of the people I am trying to help. I end up treating them as if they were helpless children who are incapable of making their own decisions in life. That's of no help to anybody.

I unraveled this particular shortcoming of mine by working with a good sponsor and writing out a 4th step (and the steps that follow ) in the program of Al-Anon. I don't know what the causes of your obsession might be, but I do know that a 4th step will do wonders to help you unravel it.

Mike :-)

GettingBy

Mike... I think you've got it...

Caring about the situation and offering an ear or a shoulder to lean on is very different than caring about the situation and wanting to fix it. It is compassion gone amuck.

I'm working the Steps with my loving wonderful sponsor... and I'll be sure to think about this more when I get to Step 4.

Thank you to all of you for the clarity!
Shannon

FriendofBill

Rescuing and fixing people made me feel important and special.

Why else would I do it?

It was all about me...making ME feel good. Temporary fix. Needed God to teach me that I am good, no matter what.

Now I try to help people, not rescue. Big difference in that.

minnie

Forgot to mention my mantra.....wait to be asked, unless it is about saving someone from physical harm.

Although I have been known to "drop" or "forget" an al-anon pamphlet or Just For Today card in my time......

Pick-a-name

Maybe that is what is going on.....tapped into those old feelings of when it was your AH,etc.........flooding back with all the old intensity,etc. Could that be part of it? (That and the fear that it could always happen again, on some unconscious level?) Maybe this is all "jr.-shrink" crap on my part.. Just a thought.

Sometimes I will read a post and it "untaps" some feeling I didn't know was there; awakens a memory, and I will really "FEEL" it (usually here that means I start to sob....

Whatever it is, hope you are feeing more peace now.