Annmarie

Hello - I am hoping to find some help and some friends out in what has turned out to be a cruel world. I am engaged to a man who is a skillful and stealthy alcoholic. I have allowed him to invade my life. He has not physically harmed me (other than man-handling me in the summer - he decided that he no longer wished me to be in the room and he removed me). I live in a very remote part of Maryland and I own my own business. That may sound great but it's a research company that I run from my home. No interactions with other humans - amazing how much socializing you do when you work in an office environment. Long story short, my immediate family is not close, my friends live hours away (and we've strayed due to the distance), no neighbors, nobody. I tried to call for Al-Anon meetings in my area. No luck. How do you know when to fight for a relationship and when to let it go. He can be such a good man when he's living a healthy lifestyle. When he drinks, he's drowsy, lethargic, unmotivated, sullen, quiet, sulky/pouty, and VERY dismissive. It's a pretty empty life. I find myself drinking a couple of glasses of wine at night just to relax enough to sleep. His "weapon" of choice is mostly beer and bourbon. Last night alone, he drank an entire case (24) between 8pm and 1am. Where do I go from here. Sigh.

Live

Welcome, glad you found us here, there are some wonderful people here and many more eloquent than I, but I think our group experience would advise you to go slowly with such lifelong decisions. Do you want to live this way for the next few decades? It may get better, It may get alot worse.
There are many great posts here, check out the stickies at the top of the al-anon and nar-anon boards for starters.........

hugs,
live

smoke gets in my eyes

Cecil Co. 410-398-2004

Hi Annmarie,
I found that number for Cecil Co. Maryland alanon. Maybe they can help you find a group.

Careful with that "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" thing. You're the only person who can say when enough is enough. It's impossible to know when or if the alcoholic in your life is going to decide to straighten up.

I have a question. Since you work from home, is it necessary that you continue to live in a place where you have trouble finding comaraderie? It's a pretty notion, living in a remote place with the man of your dreams. However, it doesn't seem that one person is ever able to wear all the hats of the people we need in our lives.

I'm so glad that you've decided to visit with us here. It has been such a comfort to me to have contact with these people who understand. Unlike you, I have friends around. But these folks here get it. Always feel free to come here and vent, question, laugh and share. We've all been there and we DO want to hear it.

Hugs,
Smoke

matters

Welcome to the boards Annmarie!

It is hard when you do not have people to turn to and support you, but guess what? Now you do HERE!!! This is such a great place. Come and vent anytime or just read and so many times you will see a post that you can relate to. We are all here because we are going through the same experience or similiar ones.

Remember, taking care of you is a very important priority.

You can't force your man to get help. he has to want that for himself. You can help yourself and coming here shows that you want to do just that.

Keep coming back, take care,
matters

Ann

Annmarie

I also want to welcome you to our family. I can't add much to the above but hope you'll stick around and feel free to share with us anytime.

babysteps

Until recently, I was very alone.. and I lived in a large town (suburb of Detroit). About 2 years ago, I went to rent a car, and I couldn't provide 2 lousy references... How sick is that?

I'm slowly finding things to get involved with (anon groups, volunteering at school, even before I had kids school age, etc), and these are getting me out and socializing. Before VERY recently I relied on my husband for any socializing I did... and that's just not fair to either of us.

As the others have said, if it's a problem already, take it nice and slow. Think about exactly why it is you want to marry him... My first husband I married because I was so in love with the idea of being in love... with the thought of someone to finally give Me some attention... with not being alone.

Annmarie

I hope I am writing in the right place. Thank you, everyone, for your kind responses. I have had long hours to think about why I am with this man and what his abuse to himself does to me. It wasn't until I read so many of your postings that it hit me like a ton of bricks - I am with him out of lonliness. His sober moments allow him to participate in normal ways - his alcoholism takes it all away. He is so very predisposed to it and it is absolutely in his genes - every male in his immediate family is/was an alcoholic. I am stunned to learn that an alcoholic is not stumbling down drunk - they can be so very clever. I realized today that his overly affectionate nature is driven by booze. When he's sober, he's miserable. I would like to get to the point where I don't drink AT ALL. He left his wife and children to pursue a female who paid him extra attention (he's an ex-cop). Some women are so attracted to a man in uniform. I met him thru a mutual friend (my one and only blind date). I so believed in this relationship but now see that it is driven by booze. How do you know when it is too toxic to pursue? This is where I am now. It's great when he's sober and I don't feel alone. Most nights I get to watch him sleep off his indulgence and then literally, get a second wind. This is not a healthy way to live but how do you kick someone to the curb when they are "ill"? Again, thanks to all of you who took the time to write. I read your postings and feel your pain (and your joys). It's nice to have new cyper friends with experience and who have gone thru the same things. I will frequently check in and hope to support you guys the way that you have supported me.

Live

HI, Annmarie,

Hey, for kicks you might want to check out some of the funny posts about ducks and quacking and the DIA, oh and the one of Christmas carols.

I find myself giggling every time I think of them.


live

Gabe

I'm a Maryland girl too, but I don't know too much about Alanon up in your part of the state. I would take smoke's advice about the Cecil County Alanon chapter.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone and isolated. I think it's a good sign that you are having serious thoughts about making a lifetime commitment to a man that isn't making you happy. It's better to have these thoughts before you marry instead of after. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. My experience with alcoholics is that they can be very cunning and manipulative. I was told by a counselor that people like this often pick a loving, giving, selfless person as a partner.
I think you have alread taken the first step toward a better life by considering that this relationship may not be right for you. Another step in the right direction was coming here. I am realitively new here myself, but have gotten a lot of support and advice from this good group of folks.
When making your choices in life, always remember that you deserve good things.
Peace,
Gabe