sunshine003

AH has been sober for about two months. He hasn't gone to talk to anyone about it, he just hasn't had a drink. He was never an every day drinker but a once a month binge drinker. Anyway, yesterday he had a very stressful day at work and said for the first time since his accident, "this might push me over the edge." I said, "what edge?" he said, "I am fighting the urge to drink right now but nothing sounds better than about 20 40 ounce beers." Anyway, he's been dropping jokes like this here and there ever since, I just ignore them . Finally I said, "If you were to start seeing someone who could help you, I bet they'd help you find tools for coping with those urges." He said, "yeah whatever, it didn't help my dad." I said, "well you aren't your dad." he dropped it then.

It made me realize the ONLY thing he's waiting for is for me to be okay with him drinking. It's like he wants the scares of the accident to wear off for me to slowly ease his way back into drinking. Those comments were just tests to see how far I had come from where I was when I told him that if he were to ever drink again, it would have to be nowhere near me. I didn't threaten to leave, I just said I wouldn't watch someone I loved kill themselves. So if he were going to drink, to do it somewhere else and I'd see him when he's done, end of story.

It also made me realize even more that he isn't going to seek the help he said he was going to. Gosh, it was so convincing.

It's only a matter of weeks, I can feel it. Wonder why I am so sure of some things and can doubt myself so much in other ways.

mallowcup

You're right it was a test. You were supposed to say well, a few drinks wouldn't hurt. If I were feling particulary scared or bold about it, I might launch into a praise marathon. "Honey, I can't tell you how proud I am that you haven't touched a drop, all my prayers have been answered, I'm so happy you are alive, you are an inspiration". I would hold him accountable that way. I think you are right, he's thinking aobut drinking. He isn't thinking of talking to anyone, he's spinning his wheels trying to pitch his having a few beers. Tomorrow is super bowl, that will be a tough day.

Seeking Wisdom

So sorry for your situation, sunshine003. It does sound like your roller coaster ride is getting ready to head downward again. The constant uncertainty and not knowing from one day to the next what you can expect from your spouse is a stressful way to live. I have lived for many years with promises to seek help, then getting all excuses not to follow through.

So many of us are trying to cope with this crazy lifestyle ... and wondering everyday if we should just get off the ride. Until we can, all we can do is focus on taking care of ourselves and getting our own lives in order as best we can. It is truly sad not to be able to trust and depend on the one we commited to spend our lives with ... but with an alcoholic, life becomes filled with uncertainty ... even when they are sober.

sunshine003

Thanks ya'll. Sometimes it helps to have someone validate your feelings, when you just know what you know. To have others relate to what you are saying without saying something like, "Maybe you're wrong." In this situation, being with an alcoholic, I think it's the way our feelings are always met with denial that causes so much self doubt. I don't know how to explain it.

cwohio

over time i learned to listen to my "gut feelings" which i never did before recovery. it's painful to listen sometimes but also reassuring to know we aren't "imagining" things.

sunshine003

yes cwohio, thank you. You're right. I guess we get so used to ignoring our gut feelings that we begin to doubt them the second we feel them, as if we are imagining it or making it up. I am trying very hard to believe in them again and not ignore them or stuff them down. It's such a fine line though. It's so hard to look at them for what they are, move on in a way that's best without holding onto it or obsessing over it.

cwohio

absolutely not an easy thing, but the more we practice the easier it gets. that's where we have to "let go and let God" - another toughy for us codies.

escape artist

i think AA got started when the two guys realized that the best way to not drink is to talk about it, talk it through....

BlueMoon

When my x-AH would start saying crap like that, I'd suggest he get his things packed BEFORE he drank - - - just in case I decided to change the locks - - -

"cuz when you think about drinking, that's what I think about doing . . . "

sunshine003

good one blue moon, some food for thought.

maybe it is escape artist but he isn't talking about it as in sharing his feelings and then saying, "this makes me want to drink to foget it all." he keeps the stress in, acts like it's no biggie but makes jokes talking about how good the beer/drink would taste right about now. when i ask questions trying to get to the real feeling, not the irrational solution, he has no response.

BlueMoon

My personal life-saving "device" - was to suggest he call his sponsor.
Cuz I'd realized by that point that there wasn't a blessed thing *I* could do/say to help.

Any and all "yeah buts" were met with "Sweetie, call your sponsor."
I think it got really annoying when I quit even TRYING to fix him -
made ME feel a bit better tho -