stacey4

HI all, I am still here! Lurking. Reading everyone's threads.

I am surviving, somedays better than others. My recovering A/AH is doing pretty good. I just wish we were getting along better, or better yet, I wish I didn't have these issues with him. I guess I just can't get over everything he's done to me and our family and just because he's sober now everything is sopposed to be back to normal. I spent a long time "hating" him and that just doesn't go away in a day! When I first came here I was given the advice to 'give it a year' and I will, but I can see this is going to be a LONNGGG year!
I know it may not sound like it but I am trying to "fix" me~Well, kinda! I am reading Codependent No More, and trying to work on the 12 steps. I went to my first Alonon meeting last week,,, not impressed but I promised I would go to the 6 meetings before I decide if is for me or not! BUT- I am not quite willing to totally admit my faults! Like the step that says appologize to anyone I've hurt, well I just can't see or don't want to see what I've done! I wasn't the A, I was the one holding the house together, trying to keep my job, pay the bills and take care of our babies! I know I wasn't the nicest lady in the world to him but I just can't take the blame for this. I know, I know, I have LOTS of work to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so enough rambling,,, to my questions
#1 Why in Alonon did they say that isn't the place to vent, it ALL has to be positive ALL the time??? That makes me feel like I have to just stuff my pissed off feelings! Who else do I get it out to? NOT my AH~ and my friends don't need to hear it and my family can't listen to me without being TOTALLY negative, they think I should just leave him now! (wish I had $ for a counselor!)
#2 I'm not sure I can say I love him and mean it, How do you get back LOVE? Will I ever love him again? I just can't seem to find anything to love about him! WHY???? I know I am total "B", that must be the problem huh?!
Thank you and God Bless you all

Seeking Wisdom

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are reacting like any normal person that has endured living with the confusing, chaotic lifestyle of an alcoholic.

It can be a hard reality to face that even when they stop drinking, everything doesn't magically become better. You have to live everyday of your life knowing that at anytime the drinking can resume and along with all the unhappiness and craziness. Life seems like it will never be secure and we can't really trust and be happy again ... we know deep down all the bad things that happened before can happen again. For me, trust could only return with very long term sobriety.

In my experience, my husband stopped drinking and went to AA for 2 years. I had many terrifying memories to deal with during that time ... knowing that the person who I thought I could trust more than anyone ... had endlessly lied and turned into my worst enemy. Even during his sobriety, he could be moody and selfish one minute and nice the next. This is a difficult way to live. I would have flash backs that would bring me to my knees in tears. He promised me over and over that I would never have to return to the nightmare life we had before. Unfortunately, strange behavior returned with lots of excuses and lies ... only to find out a miserable year later that he had secretly begun his drinking again. Ours lives just got worse and worse. I have also noticed that outsiders seem to think that the easy answer for all our problems is for me to leave and divorce my alcoholic husband ... but it is a far more complicated situation than that.

Everyone's situation and recovering partner is different, only you will know if the relationship is worth staying in .. and sometimes it just takes time to make that decision.

Beautiful

As I was told one time, my apology was for not "handling" my emotions well during the time I was funding the house, cleaning the house, raising the kids, handling the community work, handling the 2 businesses............all the while cleaning AROUND his sorry butt planted on the couch~

Well, my mouth dropped to the floor. So, it's not that he ran over me with the car, it's that I screamed ........VERSUS WHAT?????...........*thanking* him??? That answer was that I screamed *at* him instead of just screaming.

Hope this clarifies a little.

thiswebs4u

Your Al-non meetings are different than the ones I went to here in Denver. All they did was vent and there were some really mad people. Maybe you need different meetings, find the ones that work for you. You can also take what you like and leave what you don't.
I never fell out of love with my wife but 20 months later sober we still had issues. She decided to drink again so we are at square one. She just got off the respirator after 10 days on it, got off at 11. Don't know if she has any brain damage, I can communicate with her but the hospital staff can't. I know every alcoholic relationship can be different but expect it not to be easy. I was there and I still am.

cwohio

stacey4 - i found that along with al-anon that individual counseling & a co-dependency group helped me with "getting my feelings off my chest". is that something you could look into for yourself?

Webbiecat

If they don't want you to vent there, vent here. It doesn't sound like the best meeting IMO, and maybe you should try to find another one. Part of healing IS getting the bad stuff out.

As to falling in love again...fake it 'til you make it. Tell him that you love him, and remind yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place. Don't remember the alcoholic you've lived with, remember the man you knew.

I find that if I DO loving things for my AH, I end up actually feeling more loving towards him. The actions become the feelings.

Cap3

My sponsor said to not vent at these meetings.I chose then to be offended,by this.I mean rats,if i cant vent here where can i vent,so i asked her.She said call her.Or come early to the meeting and vent to someone there.Or stay later,and do it.In AA meetings we have whats called the burning desire,where another can vent,briefly.Did alot of thinking on this one,but i followed what she told me.Days that i would come in,feeling totally beaten inside,i sat and listened,to others who shared solution.How they were working the 12 steps into their lives.Over and over i heard them,share,and it gave me hope,faith that yes i can change,and that there is a new way to live.I just naturally felt better,after the meeting.To my sponsor i talked and talked and talked,until i could talk no more.For me,i had stuffed so much inside,that i needed to talk,to get all that stuff out,so that im more able to move forward.If im venting and others are venting,then this meeting becomes a venting session,the focus is the not on the solutions,and can be forgotten,that there is a solution.That there are folks recovering by living in the 12 steps of program.
You say that youre not quite willing to totally admit your faults.Until i did i still suffered.My faults when exposed is the only thing that i can do something about.I can change.My faults were what was in my way to my own happiness.Blaming him,or justifying myself,only kept me in pain.
How do you get love back?For me what helped is that i realised that, his addiction had nothing at all to do with me.Although all the stuff was directed at me.Things said and done,were not on purpose,but a relfection of his alcoholism.I could not really love another until i learned to love myself.Forgivenss for others.
You have every right to feel as you do.I did also.And i have every right to change,.There is no action from another that has healed me.Healing is an inside job.
All the best of the very best to you both.
Sending my prayers.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!