Cheers to change
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Cheers to change
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"
Hi friends. Well I've put the last chapter behind me and I realize I needed all of you to get through that period of my life. I realize now that I need all of you even more for the next chapter.
It seems I have much more to say now than I did then. I need your thought and your input more thn ever.
Im looking at the future and realizing I dont know who I am.
It looks like after all these years I may be looking at life by myself.
It scares me and it baffles me. I have many questions.
I hope you'll stick with me as you did before.
I'll be talking, alot!
Love and prayers
Bob
Hi friends. Well I've put the last chapter behind me and I realize I needed all of you to get through that period of my life. I realize now that I need all of you even more for the next chapter.
It seems I have much more to say now than I did then. I need your thought and your input more thn ever.
Im looking at the future and realizing I dont know who I am.
It looks like after all these years I may be looking at life by myself.
It scares me and it baffles me. I have many questions.
I hope you'll stick with me as you did before.
I'll be talking, alot!
Love and prayers
Bob
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montana
Posts: 50
HI Bob.. You started your post with my signature ( smile )
Nothing changes if nothing changes -- and basically that is the answer..
For me it was AA.. working well still today 25 years later..
My best to you..
Linda C.
Nothing changes if nothing changes -- and basically that is the answer..
For me it was AA.. working well still today 25 years later..
My best to you..
Linda C.
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
It's a program of action
So it is. Im finding myself working on step 4 and it's opening all kinds of
issues up in my head. It's a funny thing, I started puting down my resentments in columns like it's outlined in the book. After just a short time I noticed certain patterns appearing over and over again. The same thing kept popping up over an over again. And the thing I was the most resentful of was the very thing I do to other people. And the same character flaw also kept popping up over and over. My greatest fear is of abandonment. Yet thats the thing I do best to others. Abandon them. So, with this in mind, it caused me to stop and ponder this a while.( which for me can be quite dangerous. Those who know me know this, ther eis no telling wht my demented mind will come up with.
Anyway, my wife keeps telling me that Im different now. Which I thought could only be a good thing. But she said Im hard now,abrasive,distant like Im not all there. In trying to figure this out, when the similarities popped up in my step 4 work I realized there is something I keep hidden in the back of my mind. My greatest fear. Abandonment. Love,sex and abuse. They are all wrapped up in one ball. Throw in some fear,resentment,lust,anger and pride and we have a big ball of playdoe with all these things all meshed together. I've put this ball in a cage locked the key and stuck it in the back of my mind. It's kind of like my safety valve. I cant let anyone near these thoughts and fears. It's my ultimate protection. But the key to this door is the very thing I need to let loose in order to experience true and honest love.
But the abuse factor chains everything and keeps it hostage.
You see, like many of you I was abused as a cild. Im not going to go into detail due to the pain it might unleash on someone who might read this. But it was intense and violent. When that happens to you love,lust.love,intimancy
gets all jumbled together. You cant have one without the other. I must talk about this in the third person or I fear my mind will not be able to handle it.
But all these emotions bound together are quite confusing ad contradicting.
The person always feels like something is not quite right. There is always a conflict.How does it love without being abused and totally destroyed.
By hiding away in a locked room and never rearing it's ugly head. Here's the contradition. Love is ugly,sex is ugly one cannot exist without the other. The beast must be fed. It refuses to hurt another so the only way it can get fed is to hurt itself. But it really is only longing with a passion to be loved. But it cannot receive love without the abuse. Contradiction, loneliness,emptyness. Wanting desperately to feel but not letting anything to close because the abusive part of th equation lingers close by just waiting for an opertunity to smash it. Thus the hardness and the abrasiveness I'ts all a smoke screen of protection. Well darn I got interupted and lost my train of thought. But If I've learned anything it's that it must be for a purpose.Maybe it's all my mind can handle at the moment. I dont believe in accidents anymore.
Thats all for now.
Cheers to change.
Love and prayers
Bob
issues up in my head. It's a funny thing, I started puting down my resentments in columns like it's outlined in the book. After just a short time I noticed certain patterns appearing over and over again. The same thing kept popping up over an over again. And the thing I was the most resentful of was the very thing I do to other people. And the same character flaw also kept popping up over and over. My greatest fear is of abandonment. Yet thats the thing I do best to others. Abandon them. So, with this in mind, it caused me to stop and ponder this a while.( which for me can be quite dangerous. Those who know me know this, ther eis no telling wht my demented mind will come up with.
Anyway, my wife keeps telling me that Im different now. Which I thought could only be a good thing. But she said Im hard now,abrasive,distant like Im not all there. In trying to figure this out, when the similarities popped up in my step 4 work I realized there is something I keep hidden in the back of my mind. My greatest fear. Abandonment. Love,sex and abuse. They are all wrapped up in one ball. Throw in some fear,resentment,lust,anger and pride and we have a big ball of playdoe with all these things all meshed together. I've put this ball in a cage locked the key and stuck it in the back of my mind. It's kind of like my safety valve. I cant let anyone near these thoughts and fears. It's my ultimate protection. But the key to this door is the very thing I need to let loose in order to experience true and honest love.
But the abuse factor chains everything and keeps it hostage.
You see, like many of you I was abused as a cild. Im not going to go into detail due to the pain it might unleash on someone who might read this. But it was intense and violent. When that happens to you love,lust.love,intimancy
gets all jumbled together. You cant have one without the other. I must talk about this in the third person or I fear my mind will not be able to handle it.
But all these emotions bound together are quite confusing ad contradicting.
The person always feels like something is not quite right. There is always a conflict.How does it love without being abused and totally destroyed.
By hiding away in a locked room and never rearing it's ugly head. Here's the contradition. Love is ugly,sex is ugly one cannot exist without the other. The beast must be fed. It refuses to hurt another so the only way it can get fed is to hurt itself. But it really is only longing with a passion to be loved. But it cannot receive love without the abuse. Contradiction, loneliness,emptyness. Wanting desperately to feel but not letting anything to close because the abusive part of th equation lingers close by just waiting for an opertunity to smash it. Thus the hardness and the abrasiveness I'ts all a smoke screen of protection. Well darn I got interupted and lost my train of thought. But If I've learned anything it's that it must be for a purpose.Maybe it's all my mind can handle at the moment. I dont believe in accidents anymore.
Thats all for now.
Cheers to change.
Love and prayers
Bob
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
One day at a time
I almost responded last night to the post on seeing a therapist. Thanks for the advice. If I've learned anything however it's that I need to wait on things .
When I dont, I usually make an ass out of myself. Of course, even when I wait sometimes I make an ass out of myself.
I have to give my mind time to process new information and let the guys upstairs sort it out so it's presented in a way I can understand it. I was up most of the night last night. There was no concious thinking going on but enough crap being sifted through to where I new something was happening.
Sometimes if we just let time take it's course the answers will unfold for us.
I got a letter in the mail today from the state approving me for disabilty benefits from Dec 2005 to the year 99,999. I plan on returning to work however on Monday. I thought is was amusing anyway. Actaully it really got to me. They were not offering me help, they just said it's ok if you stay in your disease and to top it off we'll pay you!
I've been diagnosed with so many different disorders by so many different psychiatrist and psycologist over the years I've lost count. But the latest diagnosis from the state psychiatrist was that Im leagally insane. I even told them, isnt it possible that Im just a drunk? No, thats too easy.
You see, thats the problem I have with psychiatrist. They learn all this stuff from books and they know diddley squat about whats really going on in the world. Oh they'll give you all kinds of perscriptions to help you cope but all that ends up doing is shutting off your ablity to feel and not learn how to really cope.
I was forced to take the bus yesterday and I had a real attitude about it. I thought I was to good to be around "those types of people" It turns out I got into a conversation with a lady about her illness. We talked about the medications she has been on and the affects they were having. I had been on most of them at one time or another and the ones I hadnt been on I've heard of and known people who were on them. I realized that I was only able to have this conversation with her due to my various stays at the state hospitals. I also realized that there are all these people out there that we are "to good to associate with" that are just starving to talk to someone who understands what they are going through and what they are talking about. How sad that I thougt I was to good to be sitting next to this person. And how sad is all the oppertunities I've missed to get to know someone who is just dying of loniless inside.
I saw someone I respect very much on a talk show say that he did not give homeless people money because if they could say " do you have any spare change" they could also say "welcome to Mcdonalds how may I serve you". How arrogant. I know that many times I was able to carry on conversations with people but deep down I was hurting to depths I would not wish on anyone. I think of all the times I thought I was better than the person sitting next to me and it brings tears of shame to my eyes.
Thats all for today.
Thanks for letting me share
Love and Prayers
Bob
When I dont, I usually make an ass out of myself. Of course, even when I wait sometimes I make an ass out of myself.
I have to give my mind time to process new information and let the guys upstairs sort it out so it's presented in a way I can understand it. I was up most of the night last night. There was no concious thinking going on but enough crap being sifted through to where I new something was happening.
Sometimes if we just let time take it's course the answers will unfold for us.
I got a letter in the mail today from the state approving me for disabilty benefits from Dec 2005 to the year 99,999. I plan on returning to work however on Monday. I thought is was amusing anyway. Actaully it really got to me. They were not offering me help, they just said it's ok if you stay in your disease and to top it off we'll pay you!
I've been diagnosed with so many different disorders by so many different psychiatrist and psycologist over the years I've lost count. But the latest diagnosis from the state psychiatrist was that Im leagally insane. I even told them, isnt it possible that Im just a drunk? No, thats too easy.
You see, thats the problem I have with psychiatrist. They learn all this stuff from books and they know diddley squat about whats really going on in the world. Oh they'll give you all kinds of perscriptions to help you cope but all that ends up doing is shutting off your ablity to feel and not learn how to really cope.
I was forced to take the bus yesterday and I had a real attitude about it. I thought I was to good to be around "those types of people" It turns out I got into a conversation with a lady about her illness. We talked about the medications she has been on and the affects they were having. I had been on most of them at one time or another and the ones I hadnt been on I've heard of and known people who were on them. I realized that I was only able to have this conversation with her due to my various stays at the state hospitals. I also realized that there are all these people out there that we are "to good to associate with" that are just starving to talk to someone who understands what they are going through and what they are talking about. How sad that I thougt I was to good to be sitting next to this person. And how sad is all the oppertunities I've missed to get to know someone who is just dying of loniless inside.
I saw someone I respect very much on a talk show say that he did not give homeless people money because if they could say " do you have any spare change" they could also say "welcome to Mcdonalds how may I serve you". How arrogant. I know that many times I was able to carry on conversations with people but deep down I was hurting to depths I would not wish on anyone. I think of all the times I thought I was better than the person sitting next to me and it brings tears of shame to my eyes.
Thats all for today.
Thanks for letting me share
Love and Prayers
Bob
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by CRS3
I think of all the times I thought I was better than the person sitting next to me and it brings tears of shame to my eyes.
Recovery has also given me compassion. I see compassion shining from your posts. (Don't forget to be compassionate with yourself, too.)
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
((Bob)) What a wonderful thread you have started. Congratulations on your journey of sobriety!!
There are so many lessons to learn along the way. I like how Phinny put it, being "right sized". We have to face our past in step 4, spill it in step 5 and get rid of it once and for all in 6 & 7. It is hard to realize things about ourselves, but it is a huge eye opener. Once we are aware of it, we can change it. When we know better, we can do better.
Still believe that with pain comes the greatest lessons!! And through my pain and lessons, I can help others. You can reach out to others in the same situation and help them!! That's the great thing about the program, people helping people and asking nothing in return!!
I too take antidepressants. Let me tell ya, they work a lot better without the booze!! hehe Some people still need them when sober. I am one of them. Believe me I still experience my emotions, but I don't have to fight to make it through the day. Be very honest with your Dr. Sometimes I'll go in and ask to try to decrease the meds. Sometimes he'll suggest it and I know it's not the right time. We are finally working together instead of against each other.
Life has a lot of wonderful things to offer. Most people don't get the chance to experience what we do. We now see life in a different way. Today, I can be grateful for all that I have learned and be willing to learn more. Not always easy, but worth it!!
So glad you are part of my life!!
Hugs,
Missy
P.S. One of my labels/diagnosis is mania!! I'm a MANIAC, MANIAC... LOL If they only knew...
There are so many lessons to learn along the way. I like how Phinny put it, being "right sized". We have to face our past in step 4, spill it in step 5 and get rid of it once and for all in 6 & 7. It is hard to realize things about ourselves, but it is a huge eye opener. Once we are aware of it, we can change it. When we know better, we can do better.
Still believe that with pain comes the greatest lessons!! And through my pain and lessons, I can help others. You can reach out to others in the same situation and help them!! That's the great thing about the program, people helping people and asking nothing in return!!
I too take antidepressants. Let me tell ya, they work a lot better without the booze!! hehe Some people still need them when sober. I am one of them. Believe me I still experience my emotions, but I don't have to fight to make it through the day. Be very honest with your Dr. Sometimes I'll go in and ask to try to decrease the meds. Sometimes he'll suggest it and I know it's not the right time. We are finally working together instead of against each other.
Life has a lot of wonderful things to offer. Most people don't get the chance to experience what we do. We now see life in a different way. Today, I can be grateful for all that I have learned and be willing to learn more. Not always easy, but worth it!!
So glad you are part of my life!!
Hugs,
Missy
P.S. One of my labels/diagnosis is mania!! I'm a MANIAC, MANIAC... LOL If they only knew...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi Missy , I so know what you mean about the growth through pain. I have come to understand , that when I am hurting, it is usually because there is a growth spurt happening, and I am prompted to look at what I am doing, and how I am approaching it . For me , that is one of the huge blessings of this programme, it makes me aware that change is needed, and gives me the tools to achieve it ! 
Pretty awesome !
HUGX
Lee
Pretty awesome !HUGX
Lee
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
My, oh my, Im crying!!
You know I logged on and a big smile came on my face,I looked up my thrad read the replys and got chills, now the tears are streaming so hard I cant see the letters on the keybord. Ok, talk umungst yourselves, ok, bathroom,nose blow Im good.
So you thought you could get rid of me huh. Wheb are started cryting is when I saw the flare Gabe. Man what a ride it's been. And if your wondering, yes, Im clean and sober. I had to go away from this site for a while. I dont know why,I just did. I cant log on from work to this site because it's a self help site. God forbid we should do any of that at work. At some point I'll have to go back and read my own post but for now I think it might be a bit to painful.
Cheers to change? Well, yes. But With change and growth comes pain. You know when you start seeing and dealing with the wreakage it almost makes you want to just end it. Lost jobs,Lost my family,After I got clean, which is what brings me back my friends. I dont know how to live clean and sober. For a while there I ws going to two or three meetings a day. Ive cut back, but something is still missing. Maybe it's because Im alone(gee ya think Bob,duh) but I thank that is mandatory right now.
I joined this other site called bookofmatches I dont know why,I was not looking for a date. But you all know how I love to talk!!! I HAD TO WRITE SOMEWHERE AND GET FEEDBACK!! It's just who I am, but you all know this. Anyway I've enjoyed it so much it reminded me of my friends here. There is one big difference though. I owe all of you my life. You know this too. But Im wrighting alot,finished my first book(Being proof read) and Im working on alot of new songs. Im going to try and get on myspace. Dan,you still there my friend? I may need your help with that!! I found,however, that I cant spend too much time here but I will be more frequent. Im so not into negative and drama. Dealing with the wreakage and the loss of my family almost did me in.
But you said to "stand and be true", and I did. Ok I gotta wrap this up, you know how I get. BTW I saw my bus story and chuckled. I couldnt believe it was that long ago. I've shared it on BOM and I thought it happend last week!!
People dont know what to do with me now. Negative,cant go there.Stay in the problem, no thanks.Rahter be in the solution thank you. But what started happening is everyone in my life started leaving. They didnt want me around the way I was before and they are extremely uncomfortable with the way I am now. I dont get it. Even my own family. Well hey, Im off to BOM for a bit then off to bed. It's been a rough one. Been up since 4:00AM I would love for you to stop by bookofmatches and say hi. My Name there is twistedmourning ya like it. I thought it fit me. And I have some real photos, not just my buddy Neil. I was going to change that here but I just couldnt do it. It's to much a part of this.
Love,so much damn love and prayers
Bob
You know I logged on and a big smile came on my face,I looked up my thrad read the replys and got chills, now the tears are streaming so hard I cant see the letters on the keybord. Ok, talk umungst yourselves, ok, bathroom,nose blow Im good.
So you thought you could get rid of me huh. Wheb are started cryting is when I saw the flare Gabe. Man what a ride it's been. And if your wondering, yes, Im clean and sober. I had to go away from this site for a while. I dont know why,I just did. I cant log on from work to this site because it's a self help site. God forbid we should do any of that at work. At some point I'll have to go back and read my own post but for now I think it might be a bit to painful.
Cheers to change? Well, yes. But With change and growth comes pain. You know when you start seeing and dealing with the wreakage it almost makes you want to just end it. Lost jobs,Lost my family,After I got clean, which is what brings me back my friends. I dont know how to live clean and sober. For a while there I ws going to two or three meetings a day. Ive cut back, but something is still missing. Maybe it's because Im alone(gee ya think Bob,duh) but I thank that is mandatory right now.
I joined this other site called bookofmatches I dont know why,I was not looking for a date. But you all know how I love to talk!!! I HAD TO WRITE SOMEWHERE AND GET FEEDBACK!! It's just who I am, but you all know this. Anyway I've enjoyed it so much it reminded me of my friends here. There is one big difference though. I owe all of you my life. You know this too. But Im wrighting alot,finished my first book(Being proof read) and Im working on alot of new songs. Im going to try and get on myspace. Dan,you still there my friend? I may need your help with that!! I found,however, that I cant spend too much time here but I will be more frequent. Im so not into negative and drama. Dealing with the wreakage and the loss of my family almost did me in.
But you said to "stand and be true", and I did. Ok I gotta wrap this up, you know how I get. BTW I saw my bus story and chuckled. I couldnt believe it was that long ago. I've shared it on BOM and I thought it happend last week!!
People dont know what to do with me now. Negative,cant go there.Stay in the problem, no thanks.Rahter be in the solution thank you. But what started happening is everyone in my life started leaving. They didnt want me around the way I was before and they are extremely uncomfortable with the way I am now. I dont get it. Even my own family. Well hey, Im off to BOM for a bit then off to bed. It's been a rough one. Been up since 4:00AM I would love for you to stop by bookofmatches and say hi. My Name there is twistedmourning
ya like it. I thought it fit me. And I have some real photos, not just my buddy Neil. I was going to change that here but I just couldnt do it. It's to much a part of this. Love,so much damn love and prayers
Bob
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
It's great to have you pop in again Bob. You know, I can relate to what you are saying, about change and being alone, and sobriety. You can sort through the past and come out ahead. You'll be amazed by the transformation. You can heal and discover who you really are. Today, I'm very happy to have come through to the other side. You can do the same. Keep coming back and keep posting. You know I was just thinking about my old friends here from SR this morning, then viola, here you are. Gee, I'm powerful. 
JstBcuz
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 82
2dayzmuse
"You can sort through the past and come out ahead. You'll be amazed by the transformation. You can heal and discover who you really are."
Is that statement true. Because each time I try and sort through the past I feel so much pain. I am trying so hard to sort my AH out of my life but keep him involved in our sons life, but I am hurting each time I try and build that wall. I feel alone and scared is that norm for moving on???
"You can sort through the past and come out ahead. You'll be amazed by the transformation. You can heal and discover who you really are."
Is that statement true. Because each time I try and sort through the past I feel so much pain. I am trying so hard to sort my AH out of my life but keep him involved in our sons life, but I am hurting each time I try and build that wall. I feel alone and scared is that norm for moving on???
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Is that statement true.
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Change?
Thanks you guys.
Leanne, Im not even sure your true power has even been tapped into yet.
Rho- I feel for you. That must be a very hard struggle. Im dealing with a similar situation. Listen to 2daymuse, she's a wise little girl!!
Thanks Anna,
Your presents here means alot to to.
"present" Some are not. MAybe some,fell off along the way,some died, some just moved on, and some were asked to leave for reasons unkown to me.
"Change" "Living life on lifes terms" Those things scare me. But the what I Learn on a daily basis is why I exist. To be kind,to be gentle and to be loving. And just maybe, help another addict or potential addict.
Ok, I cant NOT say something. YOu know me!! bla bla bla
I founf that my links were edited out. It's a shame. I think both sites could
have helped each other a great deal.
Im sure glad I dont have to make the decision to block or delete someone/something for giving or receiving help besuase it might be abused. Crap, everything and everything can be abused. Thats why we are here.
Ok I need to stop there or you'll get one of my 1,000 words rant.
And remember, "he didnt rant at all" You want some, come get some
Love and prayers
Bob aka Twisted ( onethe site that must not be mentioned)
Leanne, Im not even sure your true power has even been tapped into yet.
Rho- I feel for you. That must be a very hard struggle. Im dealing with a similar situation. Listen to 2daymuse, she's a wise little girl!!
Thanks Anna,
Your presents here means alot to to.
"present" Some are not. MAybe some,fell off along the way,some died, some just moved on, and some were asked to leave for reasons unkown to me.
"Change" "Living life on lifes terms" Those things scare me. But the what I Learn on a daily basis is why I exist. To be kind,to be gentle and to be loving. And just maybe, help another addict or potential addict.
Ok, I cant NOT say something. YOu know me!! bla bla bla
I founf that my links were edited out. It's a shame. I think both sites could
have helped each other a great deal.
Im sure glad I dont have to make the decision to block or delete someone/something for giving or receiving help besuase it might be abused. Crap, everything and everything can be abused. Thats why we are here.
Ok I need to stop there or you'll get one of my 1,000 words rant.
And remember, "he didnt rant at all" You want some, come get some
Love and prayers
Bob aka Twisted ( onethe site that must not be mentioned)
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