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Hope for the weak and withdrawing...

Old 02-01-2006, 07:55 AM
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Thumbs up Hope for the weak and withdrawing...

Well, ya'll were right, although I was starting to really hate the saying 'each day gets better' because for me it didnt.

I would like to share my story now that I am physically able to.

I decided on Jan 17th to never eat another pill. I was physically addicted to hydrocodone... had been for 10 yrs. I flushed my supply (2 bottles of 240), called all of my Drs. and came here to learn how to get well now that all of my bridges were burned.

I am grateful to God for whatever reasons, I have no cravings and never did while in withdrawal... only romanced the idea of taking some for a day of relief. Thankfully, that wasnt an option for I had flushed them.

TODAY and not until TODAY do I know I am going to be ok. My withdrawal may or may not be very different but I would like to share with you what it is/was like:

Day 1 2 3: no energy and depression. I missed my friends (the pills)

Day 4: I woke up with the flu that would kill a horse. I was literally fearful of my life. This went on from day 4 (jan 21st) until this morning. It was literally too much for me to even sit up. That is the level of weakness I had reached.

I was having to bathe in bed because I couldnt get through a bath or shower... too weak.

I came here daily pleading for someone to tell me when I would be Ok. Noone would. Because I know now, noone can. Withdrawal is different for all of us.

Now, as of today, I can get around ok but scared to push it because I dont want to end back up where I was. My head still has the heavy bowling ball feeling but as long as I can get around the house, I can deal with the other symptoms.

The fever and weakness scares me and it wont go away. The weakness though has gotten ALOT better or I wouldnt be here. I honestly didnt have the energy to sit and type. Honestly.

So, now I am a few weeks into it and I seem to be getting better physically but now a whole new can of worms has been opened.

For the past two nights I have been plaqued with God awful nightmares. Nightmares of my children lined up in coffins, if that gives you an idea. The longest I can sleep is 3 hours at a time so insomnia is going to be the long time thing with me I think.

But all in all, Im not craving so isnt that 75% of the battle? I hope those suffering very long, horrid withdrawal can gain some serentity from knowing what all of you say is true:

Dont use and this too shall pass.

To a very sick person, those words are hard to believe. But it is true.

God bless all of us. This is one board buddy you NEVER have to worry about relapsing... I cant go through that again. I dont have it in me. I only weight 95 pds regularly, now I look really sick. Skin and bones. If a smaller person loses 10 pds it is very noticable. VERY. I am ashamed of how I look and I am stuffing my face to no avail.

I love you all for being there for me. I hope I am still welcome here and can help even though I dont have the battle some have. I dont want the trash and I thank god so much for that.

I miss how it gave me a sense of well-being but I realized it really didnt. It gave me a false sense of security... HUGE difference.
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Old 02-01-2006, 08:31 AM
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Dreams

I love to interpret dreams and your dreams are right in line with what you are feeling.

To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured.

To dream that your own grown children are still very young, indicates that you still see them as young and dependent. You want to feel needed and significant.

To see a body in a coffin, signifies that you will be going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and lack personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life and this dream is calling attention to it. It it time to end this situation or relationship.

I got this off a dreams mood dictionary on line. It fits perfect with your situation.

KEEP FIGHTIN THE FIGHT!
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Old 02-01-2006, 08:41 AM
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Glad to hear your stuffing your face. I hope you put some weight on. I know that may not be PC talking to a girl but you know what Im talking about. I was addicted to Vics and only for a couple years. They are evil. Amazing to me how quick some things take you down. I think the pain of withdrawl stops the cravings but dont be tempted. Now that your body has become used to opiates even one will set off withdrawls again. Kindoff a mini withdrawl but the same symptoms. Yuk.
Nice thing though doesnt seem to be the daily trial alcohol is.
I wish you the best Im proud of you I know it takes courage and a strong will.
The will to survive is nice isnt it?
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:29 AM
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Don't, don't, DON'T do it alone!!

Get involved in some sort of program.

Why people can be so stubborn on this issue, I have no idea!

It is about life, and death.........
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Beachbabe
Dont use and this too shall pass.

To a very sick person, those words are hard to believe. But it is true.
Great post, Beachbabe. Sharing our ESH (experience, strength and hope) is what it is all about.

When I got clean from Hydros, I couldn't get out of bed for a month. I was toxic-sick for a looooong time. And yes, the insomnia will be tough for awhile, but no one ever died from lack of sleep, right?

Congrats on kicking Hydros. I you never, ever do go back!!
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Old 02-02-2006, 04:16 AM
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Grrr DREAMS...

Well, as any 'good addict' would do, after weeks of sleepless nights, waking up soaking wet and freezing with horrid dreams... I took Tylonol PM lastnight.

HUGE MISTAKE *warning*

This morning I am dizzy and not myself like I was yesterday... the first day of knowing it was over, for the most part. Minus the sleeplessness.

God listens to us. I asked Jesus to make sure a pill NEVER helps me in any way. I asked him to make sure that if I took anything other than Advil to make me pay by feeling badly. I got what I asked for.

My point is: I would friggin NEVER eat my doc again but I have trained myself that 'if its broke, eat a pill. I also find that I am liking the feeling of my vitimins sliding down my throat... basically, I like to take pills. So, Im not so sure I will be able to do this alone.

I may need to go to an NA meeting and tell them that I take vitimins now and I take them on the same schedule as I did my meds. It is sort of a way I mess with my head to believe I took something to make me feel better. Is this normal to newly clean people?

Im scatter brained this am, sorry. I suppose what I wanted to say is:

If you are fighting for rest, DONT take OTC sleep meds, you'll wake up feeling hungover. I pushed my drawer closed and it looked like the whole counter moved. I assure you it didnt, we have a very nice trailor lol. KIDDING! hehe

Also, the sleep meds DID NOT keep me asleep or keep the dreams away, it did however, make me fall back asleep over and over. Rather than waking and staying up at 2 or 3 am. I slept til 6 this morning.

Im nearing my 30's and I can honestly say I have NEVER slept until the sun comes up. I have watched the sun rise every day of my life. It is when my anxiety falls and hope floods in.

Now for the dream interpreters:

Lastnight was solely concerning my husband, myslef and his ex-wife. It wasnt like dreams that play like movies, now it is images. Flases, like. She was in my head ALL NIGHT LONG.

What does being consumed in your dreams by your husbands ex-wife mean? Other than the fact Imma wacko -giggle-
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Old 02-02-2006, 04:45 AM
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Thanks for sharing with the newcomers that it does get better. No one can ever say for sure what day things will turn around, we just have to keep working on sobriety and know that each day brings us closer to where we are trying to be.

I enjoyed reading your post, Beachbabe.
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Old 02-02-2006, 09:10 AM
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Hey beachbabe,

Wow... your post really hit me today in an emotional way. I read it and I just started bawling. It's amazing to me how you are dealing with everything. You are amazing and I am so happy for you. 10 years on codine is a longass time... your strength and conviction to stop it just blows me away. I'm so so so happy for you.

Sorry about the sucky dreams ;/ I hope they get better soon. Have you tried meditating before going to bed and try inserting dream seeds? I dunno if it will work or not. hehe

**{hugs}} Thank you for sharing your days with us.

Suga
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Old 02-02-2006, 09:43 AM
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No, I havent tried that. My sleep is so off now. I just get it when I can. I am so blessed being self-employed, otherwise I dont know how I would have done this.

Im glad my post touched you. I hope it was in a good way.

it makes me feel proud of myself when ya'll are proud of me. C/T is so hard that any tap on the back means ALOT.

But, truth be told, Im just a hard-headed person. Im no stronger than ya'll. I have no majic remedy I am just a hard-headed bitch that does whatever it is I set my mind too.

I was abandoned by my mother at 14 and to avoid the system I grew up and made it, somehow... looking back god knows I didnt know what I had ahead of me. But, through all of that it turned me into a very compassionate, yet ruthless person. A very good listener with an inate sense of survival that steamed from being so hard-headed that I was going to make it... that I did. With a baby boy on my hip lol.

Ya know what? Wouldnt have changed a thing. Luckily, now that I am a little older, my hard-headedness rarely gets me into trouble as it use to. I now use my power for good lol.

Being hard-headed isnt a bad thing. You just also have to be smart enough to know when it is time to shut up and listen. If I can do that, my hard-headedness works as a motivation tool rather than a negative trait.

Hopealwayz: Thank you for paying attention to me. I need attention and Im not ashamed to say it. NOONE in my family supports my decision. They think I am making the wrong decision which goes to show you how STUPID they are, yet they are trying to tell me whats best for me? Dont think so. Let them eat that **** (though they dont). I aint handing my soul over to the devil. Not anymore. Not ever again.

What worked for me is before I went C/T I started viewing my meds differently. Viewing myself lying on a sidewalk with a needle hanging out of my arm... it escalates. Im no better than anyone else. It could have come to that. I even talked to them. Told them before I flushed them, 'You are not my friend, you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. We have been together for 10 yrs and I have all the power, not you buddy. You will no longer be a part of my life' *flush* 240 10 mil hydros.

I started viewing them as a sick, abusive relationship that I didnt deserve. I know I have ALL THE POWER because as long as I dont bend my elbow, the damn things cant drive over and jump into my mouth.

I just kept saying... I HAVE ALL THE POWER. And prayed... alot. Still am.
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Old 02-02-2006, 09:53 AM
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Learned more about you in your last post, than most others combined.
Candid, open and honest.

Hope you will in fact take some direction from those who have gone before you........
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Old 02-02-2006, 10:21 PM
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Dream

To see your mate's ex in your dream, suggests that you may be comparing yourself to the ex. The dream is trying to tell you not to make the same relationship mistakes that ended that relationship.

Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.

I love the way you share! It sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping yourself together.

XOXO
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Old 02-03-2006, 03:20 AM
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I do harbor the SMALLEST amount of anomousity towards her because *I* am taking care of her three children, whom I love as my own and wouldnt change a thing while she is out being a druken *****.

I dont compare myself to her its more about her getting to play all the time while I get to take care of her kids, Dad can be just as bad.

I have wondered if there have been times I was here caring of these kids and they may have been together. If she stops by and after her leaving he happens to have to 'run out', I have wondered.

I am obviously a little off in the head because if I found out I was doing all I do for these babies and him, yet he messed with his ex while I was caring for their kids I can honestly say... I would kill them with my bare hands.

Except I wouldnt have the heart to take the kids real mom from them. Babies love their moms, even when their moms arent much of one. And she certainly isnt.

She is digging her own grave faster than I could put her in one. She is 32, looks 55 (literally). Has severe diabetes and is out drinking 3-5 nights a week on the 3500.00 a month we give her NOT to lay up with any man that comes along. We'd rather pay her way. Thus, why he left her. She is killing herself.

Childhood Diabetes, McDonalds diet, no excercise, hard liqour, no plans to change... time will handle her. And it isnt on her side.

I feel like nanny McPhee, not so much his wife... sometimes... most times.

As far as my brutal/childlike honesty (depending on how one views it) yes... I dont have a problem communicating lol. If I think it, I say it. Noone ever has to wonder whats on my mind.

Now that Im in recovery maybe this aspect of my personality will be a good thing, it can tend to get me into trouble. New to recovery, admittedly, but I have sense enough to know it is ALL ABOUT HONESTY. Mostly, being honest with yourself. If you can do that, being honest with everyone else just comes into play.
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Old 02-03-2006, 07:52 AM
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"the SMALLEST amount of anomousity"......I would kill them with my bare hands.

"but I have sense enough to know it is ALL ABOUT HONESTY:. Yet, in another post, you suggested lying.

While it may SEEM I am being tough on you, rather, just looking to point out areas to grow. I needed to grow, when I got sober as well as today.

Working a formal program is about getting sober, but also how to be comfortable in your own skin. Growing up emotionally, and obtaining the coping skills need to be happy in life.

Make any sense? See why a program can work in your life?
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Old 02-03-2006, 08:36 AM
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Suggested lying? I emplore you to show us the post where I ever suggested lying. Im sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. But again, please guide us to such post. I would love to see it.


It doesnt seem as though you are being tough... catty perhaps, not tough.

You spend your time picking apart peoples posts, noticed that from the beginning and ignore it. Negativity sticks.

You shouldnt be so pushy with your program hun. What works for some may not work for others. You did a program. I did cold turkey. We dont share the same views and thats ok.

If I ever found myself wanting to kill myself by eating another Narcotic (because that is inevitably what we are doing when using... killing ourselves slowly and painfully) than I would obviously have very severe problems with addiction and I would THEN seek further assistance.

I think it is hard for some to differentiate between physical addiction and phycological addiction. HUGE DIFFERENCE.

I would have to be hog tied, bound and gagged and a pill shoved into my mouth in order for a narcotic to swim around in my gut. THAT is physical addiction. Once withdrawal is over, you dont want/crave it. Actually, you (or I should say I) didnt crave in withdrawal because to take ANY would have set me back. Thus, the extreme measure mentioned above would have to come into fruition before I ever ate another narcotic.

As stingy as we addicts are, I doubt anyone is going to hold me down and shove it in my throat, hell I probably couldnt get one handed to be... right? hehe

Does your program speak of acceptance of all types of addicts? Does is speak about positivity? Im not seeing any of that.

I am comfortable in my skin. Actually, I think Im awesome. I have, since a very young age, overcome immense odds. I know who I am and what Im about. I was never 'lost' in my addiction. I simply took what my Dr said and didnt even think of it as 'drugs'. So, no program needed to make me like myself either. I probably already like me too much, thus getting clean. Amen.
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Old 02-03-2006, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by 1_day@_a_time
Learned more about you in your last post, than most others combined.
Candid, open and honest.

Hope you will in fact take some direction from those who have gone before you........

Little wishey washy on me arent ya hun?

*checks you for fever*
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Old 02-03-2006, 09:05 AM
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See your post here, you suggested someone lie.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-84932.html

You say picking apart peoples posts. Maybe it's calling people on their BS. If you look around, I suggest what has worked for so many.

I've been coming here for yrs. It's easy to spot people who are blowing smoke. From miles away.

I have continued to suggest people get involved in AA, or some sort of formal program. People continue to come up with nothing but excuses. Denial.

The cold hard truth is, most don't get or stay sober. Even working a good program. I have seen countless go back out, after 10 and 20 yrs of sobriety.

I have seen countless people die.

Those who have been around sobriety for any lenght of time will tell you, this is a disease, and should be taken seriously. Very, very seriously. It's life and death.

Seriously, how could you know what works for some, and not others, when you have no experience with sobriety?

Your statement, "You did a program" suggests you have little experience what a "program" is.

I did not go into rehab, sober living or a hospital. I decided one day, after 25 of drinking and using, and destroying lives I was done. Finished. Bottomed out.

With the help of AA, my sponsor, meetings, working the 12 steps, and sponsering people, I got and so far have stayed sober.

Seriously, what do you know about addiction?

I know checking your ego at the door and having some humility go a long way. What does a user name like beachbabe say? Are you full of yourself?

Oh, and for sure, I'm not your hun.
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Old 02-03-2006, 12:19 PM
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That link doesnt take us to a post or thread where I, according to you, suggested I should lie about anything... ever. Perhaps you copy/pasted the link incorrectly? I'll wait for your post including the link.

Its creepy that you are so cynical about me and my recovery. Perhaps we should avoid eachother as not to contaminate the board.

And my recovery. Thanks for your concern, however. I simply dont think we mesh.

You are creepy in the way you are so bitter and 'al mighty. One could question your sobriety as you have mine according to your personality traits.

Those of us that are fighting and winning are most always pleasant and happy. That is what we fought so hard for.

And you attack my nick? Hun, get a grip. You're spooky. Immature. Mean. Hateful. Disrespectful.

Do I intimidate you? I shouldnt. I am probably one of the sweetest people you'd ever want to meet.

Relax and get off my back, respectfully.
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Old 02-03-2006, 12:57 PM
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"Cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim."

This exchange has brought me back to a time when I learned the hard lesson of putting out of my mind the wrongs of others, leaving my ego out of the equation and looking for areas where I had made mistakes. No situation is entirely one sided, but I must always try to disregard the other persons role entirely. The program as I personally know it is about asking myself where I am to blame. Taking my own inventory and not someone elses. Listing my own wrongs and facing them without finger pointing and judgement and blame.

Sure there's room for calling people on their crap and lord knows there's plenty of it spread around in the rooms of AA and NA. But the fellowship, to me is first about being welcoming and helpful - if someone is not ready or has found a different way in my own experience I must allow them to test their wings. I have certainly met many successful, happy and centered people who have had long term sobriety who have not been involved in AA or NA. My way is the NA way...but that isn't true for everyone. Open mindedness is one of the most fundamental spiritual principles.

I too have seen lots of people work a good program - myself included - and have a relapse after many years clean. I had nearly 11 years. I was welcomed back with open arms, acceptance, open mindedness, love, tolerance, kindness and understanding. Without that, I might not have made it back and had I not had that loving experience in the fellowship to begin with - I surely wouldn't have stuck around. I would have closed my mind to the possibility of having the fellowship as an option. Many don't make it to the rooms on their first try and many never do....but I hope we can always leave it as an option.

Respectfully,
Praying for peace, tolerance and understanding.
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Old 02-03-2006, 02:04 PM
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You were doing research for your kids/neice's paper?

We addicts are pretty good at lying, think of something and stick with it.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-84932.html

Message # 18

Name calling is not what it's about. I attempted, to no avial on numerous occasions, to make some suggestions. It has fallen on deaf ears. The response has been closed minded and sarcastic.

My bad for not moving along, which I will as of now. My character defects in progress. The contrast between helping people and changing them. Especially when they don't think they need help. My fault.

It's the message, not the messenger.
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Old 02-03-2006, 02:41 PM
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The young ladies boss had been standing behind her reading this board and she didnt realize it. Once she did, she was FREAKING... for good reason. She has an awesome job and noone would ever suspect her of using anything. I will not say what she used because she shouldnt even be brought into this. It was OTC though.

ALL of us made suggestions as to what to say. Lets not try to take things out of context.

I would pick and choose my battles wisely. A battle of the wits with me is often frustrating and doesnt leave one feeling triumphant.

I would rather we ignore eachother.

OR get along. Up to you.

I think it is wrong of you to have brought that young lady and her situation into your little drama. That wasnt a nice thing to do. Im sure many will agree.

So, this is to say everyone that posted a suggestion as to what to say to her boss as not to lose her job are liars? That is certainly your accusation.

Also, you still dont have the link right hun. It doesnt take you to the thread in question.

BeginAgain:

Thank you so much for your post. I couldnt have said it better myself. Your prospective and wisdom to see many different angles in a situation is very compassionate. And appreciated.
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