this week............

Old 01-10-2003, 05:52 AM
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this week............

Good Morning Friends,
What a crazy ride my life has been over the past week. Everything came to a head after my daughter's car accident on New Year's Eve (she is ok, a broken nose and stitches). My husband was drinking very heavily every day and doing next to nothing around the house etc. Then my husband got a bad case of gout, which he gets periodically and the drinking brings it on. He was hobbling around and complaining about the pain and I was trying to do everything around the house and care for my daughter. Because of the pain he was in for the gout, he decided to stop drinking. I blew up and started screaming at him and asked him to leave once again. He called his parents and told them he was coming to stay with them for awhile which upset them. They know how bad he has been lately and worry about him. Then true to form I felt guilty about screaming and asking him to leave. So I asked him to stay. Another turn around the merry go round.

So as of today, he has not been drinking (at least I don't think so) for one week. However, my daughter was given pain pills for her nose and he took a couple when he was in so much pain with his foot. Then he took a couple more a couple of days later when he was only in a bit of pain. Now I am afraid that he is taking pain pills instead of drinking. So I hid the pain pills and told my daughter where they were. I feel ashamed to tell you this, but I am committed to being honest with you, my friends.

In some ways it has been nice, with him not drinking, but I don't feel elated and I don't feel like this is permanent. It just feels like a tremendous toothache has subsided to a dull pain but I am waiting for it to erupt again. So I don't have my hopes up.

I did something else, a small thing. I decided that I am no longer going to do his laundry. He is at home all day and still doesn't do much around the house, so I decided not to spend my precious time doing his laundry. I don't do my children's laundry and now I won't do his. But I didn't tell him that because I was afraid that it would come across as a punishment, or as me trying to get back at him. I decided to just let him notice that his clothes are not getting washed. As I read this it sounds so childish. I also decided that I am not going to worry about how much exercise the dogs get and put that responsibility on my shoulders. There are three other people in the house that can worry about the dogs and their need for walks. I will walk them if I feel like it and otherwise I will let this go too. I just don't have the energy to do everything I think "needs" to get done. So I will prioritize and do the most important things only. When I blow up it is usually because I am trying to do a lot more than I can manage.

Thanks as always for listening.
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Old 01-10-2003, 07:18 AM
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Hi Rose,

It's always good to see you. I don't think there is anything wrong with hiding your daughter's pain pills. That accident must have been quite a scare for you. I'm glad she is ok.

I've been prioritizing too. I haven't done anything, lol. A little too much prioritizing.

Sounds like you need a "me" day.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 01-10-2003, 08:15 AM
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JT
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Rose,

Some time ago I stopped making Wards lunch. Now as a logical thinker I could not come up with any reason why I should make his lunch. He is able. He knows what he wants. I wouldn't want him to make mine. Why do woman make their husbands lunches anyway?? Sounds really '50's to me. So I quit.

It is much easier to quit doing something that has no affect on you personally. Ward could make his own lunch or be hungry.
Same with laundry...I do Ward's sometimes but not ALL the time.

These are things that if I don't do them, will still get done.

Now dog hair...would never get done if I didn't do it.

You are doing really well, Rose. Keep up the good work!!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 01-10-2003, 09:59 AM
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Hi Rose.

I think we are living with the same man. All this time I thought that I was the only person that lived this way. Reading all the post on this site has helped me feel that I am not alone. I just stoped doing my mans laundry to. He is home all day so why cant he do his own wash. My man thought that it would be a great idea to be self employed and work out of the house. So now he can start drinking any time he wants with no boss to check up on him. I can come home at any time of the day and he is just laying on the couch watching movies. I know what you mean about feeling bad when you want them to leave. I always avoid any conflict with my man because I am afraid that he will just use the conflict as an excuse to get worse. But, how much worse could it get.
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Old 01-11-2003, 06:51 AM
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Hi Rose

Sounds to me like Rose is settin' some new rules, and I think they all make sense. If he is home all day, then certainly he can do his share.

I do my husbands laundry - but he does the grocery shopping and much of the cooking. We just work it out by who is home when and share the work. When he was working out west we each looked after ourselves (obviously ), so there is nothing either of us cannot do - it's just a matter of preference and sharing.

Also, has you husband seen his doctor about his gout? There is medication that helps prevent the onset (I think it is something like "alopurinol") and also to relieve the pain. Gout is a form of arthritis - also called "Gouty Arthritis" and you can treat the cause or your can treat the symptoms of inflamation.

Just keep looking after you Rose - one day at a time.
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Old 01-11-2003, 07:29 AM
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******{Rose}}}}

Sorry to hear about your daughters accident but thank God she is okay.

You know what you need to do for your own well being. You have come a long way.

You take care of you and I hope things all work out.

Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 01-11-2003, 08:10 AM
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What a scare. I'm so glad your daughter is alright. It sounds like progress to start taking some of the load off of yourself. Why do we feel guilty when we do it? I've been working on this too. Keep up the good work and don't forget to share with us. I admire your strength.....
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Old 01-11-2003, 10:26 AM
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Because of the pain he was in for the gout, he decided to stop drinking. I blew up and started screaming at him and asked him to leave once again.
Hi Rose.
I keep coming back and reading those two sentences. Forgive me if I am taking a too wide intuitive leap. It sounded like you were angry he said he was going to quit drinking, and I supposed that was because he will change his behavior to eliminate his own pain, but has ignored yours.

When Rasputin was here at Christmastime, he took advantage of a logistical snafu, and managed to collect a chunk of money that was meant for me. He also knew how much I needed it. I had thought he managed it in an early morning and split immediately. Actually, he'd picked it up the night before and had the timerity to come back here and pretend. I should take a hint when he starts making intense statements out of the blue. The whole visit had been pleasant and normal, and I don't think the subject of addiction or recovery had even come up, except maybe some general references to things on these boards. (He reads them sometimes, too.) I believe I was talking about feeding the cat, when he strangely remarked " You people on your BOARD, you think you know. You think I don't think about anybody but me. (That) I don't care about anybody else. Well, I think about it. I think about it ALL the time."

THAT beligerent statement came out of the mouth of a man who had just embezzeled from me. I guess he was already feeling guilty. (?)

What you said made me think of that. I realize how little what I think, feel, endure matters to him when there's an opportunity for him to get high. I just stand around dumbfounded with my mouth open sometimes when he says things like that. Tunnel vision.

I just wanted to say, Rose, that if I heard you right, BOY did I hear you!!!

Hugs,
Dop
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Old 01-13-2003, 08:21 AM
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Interesting DOP, I didn;t pick up on my Freudian slip about blowing up because he stopped drinking becuase of his gout. I think it was mostly because I am overwelmed, but I have to agree that I was probably annoyed becuase he stopped for a selfish reason.

But he went drinking again yesterday so the reprieve was temporary. I am not that disappointed because I knew it was coming. But it was nice having a sober adult in the house for a week or so. He is quite nice, funny, tolerant, and loving when he is sober. One day at a time...................
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