I'm New
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
I'm New
This is my first visit here. I am looking for help and advice for dealing with my drinking husban. After 20 years I have had enough. I feel alone, tired, ugly, depressed, old. Help please
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Welcome!
You have found one of the best places on this planet. The others will be along soon to offer their love and support. Many of us have been thru similar situations, and we can truly relate to your story. What I recommend right now is to read many of the posts here on the boards. You will find some ideas and suggestions - some of which will work and some of which won't. I suggest that you look for an Al Anon meeting in your local area. I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life! It gave me a new perspective on life, relationships, and connected me with a loving and caring Higher Power who walks with me all day, every day. There is also a listing good books to read which is updated often. As you read the various posts, you will see references to some of the books - many here are HUGE fans of Melody Beatty's Books on co-dependency.
Again, welcome to our family. Keep coming back!
Hugs
Osier59
You have found one of the best places on this planet. The others will be along soon to offer their love and support. Many of us have been thru similar situations, and we can truly relate to your story. What I recommend right now is to read many of the posts here on the boards. You will find some ideas and suggestions - some of which will work and some of which won't. I suggest that you look for an Al Anon meeting in your local area. I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life! It gave me a new perspective on life, relationships, and connected me with a loving and caring Higher Power who walks with me all day, every day. There is also a listing good books to read which is updated often. As you read the various posts, you will see references to some of the books - many here are HUGE fans of Melody Beatty's Books on co-dependency.
Again, welcome to our family. Keep coming back!
Hugs
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Peanuts and Welcome !
Think you will find lots of encouragement
from those here who have found
happiness whether the alcoholic
is drinking or not.
This site is about US !
Hope you find an alanon meeting in
your area, it has been part of my
recovery back to some semblence
of sanity
Hugs
liddy
Think you will find lots of encouragement
from those here who have found
happiness whether the alcoholic
is drinking or not.
This site is about US !
Hope you find an alanon meeting in
your area, it has been part of my
recovery back to some semblence
of sanity
Hugs
liddy
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Peanuts..so glad you're here..I once was new to Al-Anon a long time ago, now I am new to posting,threads,computers ect..I do want to welcome you..I was told I was am only alone IF I chose to be, hope you keep coming back...
Life seems to be about changes, Al-Anon helped me find out where I needed to be and what I needed to do to get my life back again...I now have my home group meeting, a loving sponsor, sponsorees who show me I am loved...I have the Al-Anon program that I work becuase My life depends on it...My only regrets is that it took so long for me to find it...
Keep coming back it works, If you work it...
Love in the fellowship, Progress not perfection!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Peanuts, I would give you tons of 1 liners, pages of our lit. to read,and lots of hugs along the way...BUT there is no way you can change anyone....
I would tell you the 3 C's of Al-Anon and have you repeat them over every time your heart hurts..
You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
BUT you can learn to take care of YOU!
Keep coming back!
Love in the fellowship,
I would tell you the 3 C's of Al-Anon and have you repeat them over every time your heart hurts..
You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
BUT you can learn to take care of YOU!
Keep coming back!
Love in the fellowship,
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Peanut,
I want to add my welcome to the others on here and tell you to pull up a chair and stay awhile...
You will find lots of wisdom and encouragement here from those who have been through or are going through what you are going through right now. You will also find those who FEEL like you do, yet you will see that through Al Anon, they have found a way back to living a fulfilling life for themselves, NOT the alcoholic. Now us Al Anoners aren't promising changes overnight, but I guarantee you that if you find an Al Anon meeting and attend a few times, you'll see what I'm talking about. And, I might add, I'm just a BABE in Al Anon, but boy what little time I've been involved has REALLY BEEN WORTH IT!
And don't be afraid to find a meeting and go. (I was...rode past the meeting twice, two weeks in a row, before I finally got the nerve to go in on the 3rd week! ). I'm just sorry I didn't go before then. I found such loving, supportive people who KNEW EXACTLY what I was going through and feeling.
Treat yourself, Peanut. Find an Al Anon group. You'll be glad you did. And keep coming back here and reading. That is one thing that really helped and CONTINUES to help me.
Hugs!
I want to add my welcome to the others on here and tell you to pull up a chair and stay awhile...
You will find lots of wisdom and encouragement here from those who have been through or are going through what you are going through right now. You will also find those who FEEL like you do, yet you will see that through Al Anon, they have found a way back to living a fulfilling life for themselves, NOT the alcoholic. Now us Al Anoners aren't promising changes overnight, but I guarantee you that if you find an Al Anon meeting and attend a few times, you'll see what I'm talking about. And, I might add, I'm just a BABE in Al Anon, but boy what little time I've been involved has REALLY BEEN WORTH IT!
And don't be afraid to find a meeting and go. (I was...rode past the meeting twice, two weeks in a row, before I finally got the nerve to go in on the 3rd week!
). I'm just sorry I didn't go before then. I found such loving, supportive people who KNEW EXACTLY what I was going through and feeling.Treat yourself, Peanut. Find an Al Anon group. You'll be glad you did. And keep coming back here and reading. That is one thing that really helped and CONTINUES to help me.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Pacific NW, OR
Posts: 5
Welcome Peanuts!
You're right where you're supposed to be to get to where your Higher Power wants you to go.
I have been married 3 x. All have been alcoholics - the most current (& last one ever) has been sober for 14 years! In the 2 previous marraiges, I was physically ill, felt tired all the time, felt ugly and didn't think I was worth taking care of. I had done everything for everybody except for ME. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and sought help through a pastor and counselor. They referred me to Al-Anon where I've been for the past 4-1/2 years. It is a wonderful program with many caring people! They have given me SOOOOOO many new tools to live my life by and I can't thank them enough. Even though my alcoholic is not drinking, he still exibits the same characteristics as a practicing alcoholic. These new tools are very helpful and keep ME sane. It's taken a while to build up to, but I'm finally taking good care of myself because I'M WORTH IT. And....so are you.
Keep coming back, you will find help!
You're right where you're supposed to be to get to where your Higher Power wants you to go.
I have been married 3 x. All have been alcoholics - the most current (& last one ever) has been sober for 14 years! In the 2 previous marraiges, I was physically ill, felt tired all the time, felt ugly and didn't think I was worth taking care of. I had done everything for everybody except for ME. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and sought help through a pastor and counselor. They referred me to Al-Anon where I've been for the past 4-1/2 years. It is a wonderful program with many caring people! They have given me SOOOOOO many new tools to live my life by and I can't thank them enough. Even though my alcoholic is not drinking, he still exibits the same characteristics as a practicing alcoholic. These new tools are very helpful and keep ME sane. It's taken a while to build up to, but I'm finally taking good care of myself because I'M WORTH IT. And....so are you.
Keep coming back, you will find help!
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
Welcome aboard Peanut~
This is a great group here... read, laugh, share and have some fun.
I have lived with the boy for 9 years - some have been good and some have been not so great... but we have both come through.
In my own experience, when the drinking got to be to much, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it for him (as I have a few years clean myself) so I started posting here and went to alanon... I could not change him, but I could change me and that is where I had to start.
Keep coming back!
This is a great group here... read, laugh, share and have some fun.
I have lived with the boy for 9 years - some have been good and some have been not so great... but we have both come through.
In my own experience, when the drinking got to be to much, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it for him (as I have a few years clean myself) so I started posting here and went to alanon... I could not change him, but I could change me and that is where I had to start.
Keep coming back!
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Welcome to the boards Peanut. I struggle in a relationship also with my A. I know how it can feel to be in the place you are at. I've been there many times. I choose to NOT be a prisoner anymore. At first, when I first started reading about co-dependancy, it was because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. It was the stimulus which made me desperate enuf to want to feel better and go to a mtg. (which initially scared me to death... LOL). What began happening as I went and studied and prayed transitioned to be more about me. I go to Al-Anon and come here to learn and study because I realize I needed this 20 yrs. ago. Not just in my personal life, but I have applied these principles with parenting, work, friends, everything.
We only stay a prisoner when we are trapped in our sick place with negative emotions and not try to do something better for ourselves.... I hope the angry newcomer who posted earlier reads this.....and ponders it before responding.
We only stay a prisoner when we are trapped in our sick place with negative emotions and not try to do something better for ourselves.... I hope the angry newcomer who posted earlier reads this.....and ponders it before responding.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Peanut
I'm new to this board too. I've done some time in the Alateen and Alanon programs and they are a true blessing to those of us who have significant relationships with alcoholics. You said that you've "had enough". That is a start. You have recognized that life, as you know it, is not working for you. That means it's time to make some changes. Congratulations! That means it's time for new beginnings in your life. Spend some time thinking about what you would like your life to be like. Then set some small attainable goals for yourself, things that you can achieve one step at a time. Sometimes when we focus only on the negative aspects of life, our lives become days, weeks and months of negativity. It may seem like a long journey to get to the place you would like to be. But every journey starts with the first step. And the way I see it, you have already taken that first step. You came here and asked for help. Look at that! You are already on your way. Believe in yourself and remember that you are truly your own best friend. Sending thoughts of light and hope and strength your way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hello and welcome to peanut and all the new folks,
so glad you've found this forum. for me it has been a life-saving place, and i randomly clicked in back in oct. last year. i too can understand the despair i hear in your post peanut. living with aldoholism and addiction can steal your soul, never mind destroy your self- worh. hope you keep coming back and read and try alanon. it has changed my life in such a good way, i couldn't begin to list the ways. if you've had enough, then you're ready for the better life starting now. it will start with you today learning an awareness of the illness and hearing all of us encourage you to treat yourself better. you're all remembered in my prayers tonight and don't forget, you will never be alone again.
big hugs from sugar
so glad you've found this forum. for me it has been a life-saving place, and i randomly clicked in back in oct. last year. i too can understand the despair i hear in your post peanut. living with aldoholism and addiction can steal your soul, never mind destroy your self- worh. hope you keep coming back and read and try alanon. it has changed my life in such a good way, i couldn't begin to list the ways. if you've had enough, then you're ready for the better life starting now. it will start with you today learning an awareness of the illness and hearing all of us encourage you to treat yourself better. you're all remembered in my prayers tonight and don't forget, you will never be alone again.
big hugs from sugar
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I want to welcome you Peanut!
All the things you are feeling I have felt at one time or another.
I have been married for 25yrs. to my husband that has a drinking problem. There is always hope for recovery. If they choose not to seek it than we can and succeed!!!!
Hang in there and keep coming back!
take care,
matters
All the things you are feeling I have felt at one time or another.
I have been married for 25yrs. to my husband that has a drinking problem. There is always hope for recovery. If they choose not to seek it than we can and succeed!!!!
Hang in there and keep coming back!
take care,
matters
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 1
Fellow "newbie"
Hi Peanut! I, too am new to this website/group and have very similar issues . After reading the responses it appears we would do well by joining an Al-anon group. I don't have any answers or insight for you right now as I am charting new waters here.
Why do we get involved with a person who has this illness? My S/O is a wonderful man, great sense of humor, smart, handsome, responsible with his job and we are very compatible in many respects. I do love him and he loves me. Unfortuneately ,he suffers from low self-esteem and has been an alcoholic for several years. He has been married before (3 times )and, was in 2 other long'term relationships. I strongly suspect that alcohol was the causal factor for most, (if not all, the break-ups.)
He has asked me to marry him, and, I have told him my concern with his heavy drinking. Of course, he is in denial and says the typical things we are reading about: " I only drink on weekends -(which is partially true)"I need to relax," "I act worse without the alcohol than when I am on it" (definitely NOT true!) , "I'm not an alcoholic - I have a good job which I am very good at I pay all my bills on time and maintain a home"(1-bdrm apt) (He does).
I was married one time before for 13 years to a physician, who left me for another woman and I have been single for the past 12 years. My self-esteem is intact (I think), I am accomplished in my career and am fortunate to have friends who truly love me and want me to be happy. However, they, too, have grave misgivings about my lover and wonder why I've taken on "a project".
He says he truly loves me and will always be faithful. I do believe he does love me but his illness is destroying our relationship. He states that the arguments we have (while he is drunk) are just "growing pains". He doesn't realize the pain he has caused me (rarely remembers what he has said the night before) I've even replayed phone messages he left when he was in one of his "moods" and he feels terrible and guilty and vows not to do it again.(He does). Although, I believe he has cut down some on his drinking, on weekends he still drinks to the point of being "out of control" and I find myself staying away from him during these times. I finally told him today that "we" need to get some help with this if we are to continue our relationship). I will be there with him during his recovery efforts.
I will go to al-anon and, hopefully find some support and answers. I'm not one who easily gives up but, no matter how much I love him, I believe that this is NOT a healthy relationship for me, and unless, he is willing to get some help then I may need to "cut the rope".
Peanut, please keep me posted on how you are doing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and all the rest of you reading this who are involved with a loved one with this illness. Your thoughts/suggestions are appreciated. Artemis
Why do we get involved with a person who has this illness? My S/O is a wonderful man, great sense of humor, smart, handsome, responsible with his job and we are very compatible in many respects. I do love him and he loves me. Unfortuneately ,he suffers from low self-esteem and has been an alcoholic for several years. He has been married before (3 times )and, was in 2 other long'term relationships. I strongly suspect that alcohol was the causal factor for most, (if not all, the break-ups.)
He has asked me to marry him, and, I have told him my concern with his heavy drinking. Of course, he is in denial and says the typical things we are reading about: " I only drink on weekends -(which is partially true)"I need to relax," "I act worse without the alcohol than when I am on it" (definitely NOT true!) , "I'm not an alcoholic - I have a good job which I am very good at I pay all my bills on time and maintain a home"(1-bdrm apt) (He does).
I was married one time before for 13 years to a physician, who left me for another woman and I have been single for the past 12 years. My self-esteem is intact (I think), I am accomplished in my career and am fortunate to have friends who truly love me and want me to be happy. However, they, too, have grave misgivings about my lover and wonder why I've taken on "a project".
He says he truly loves me and will always be faithful. I do believe he does love me but his illness is destroying our relationship. He states that the arguments we have (while he is drunk) are just "growing pains". He doesn't realize the pain he has caused me (rarely remembers what he has said the night before) I've even replayed phone messages he left when he was in one of his "moods" and he feels terrible and guilty and vows not to do it again.(He does). Although, I believe he has cut down some on his drinking, on weekends he still drinks to the point of being "out of control" and I find myself staying away from him during these times. I finally told him today that "we" need to get some help with this if we are to continue our relationship). I will be there with him during his recovery efforts.
I will go to al-anon and, hopefully find some support and answers. I'm not one who easily gives up but, no matter how much I love him, I believe that this is NOT a healthy relationship for me, and unless, he is willing to get some help then I may need to "cut the rope".
Peanut, please keep me posted on how you are doing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and all the rest of you reading this who are involved with a loved one with this illness. Your thoughts/suggestions are appreciated. Artemis
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Pacific NW, OR
Posts: 5
Artemis,
Glad that you're here! My thoughts are "Keep Coming Back"! This program has been the only thing to keep ME sane through all the things I've been dealing with for quite some time now.....Maybe there's a meeting in your area that you can attend and hear first hand some experience, strength and hope from fellow members who may have lived through the same situation.
Love and prayers in the program.....
Momof4girls
Glad that you're here! My thoughts are "Keep Coming Back"! This program has been the only thing to keep ME sane through all the things I've been dealing with for quite some time now.....Maybe there's a meeting in your area that you can attend and hear first hand some experience, strength and hope from fellow members who may have lived through the same situation.
Love and prayers in the program.....
Momof4girls
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