Jbat

Well, here I am -- now I have moved over here to the Al-Anon forums since my husband is now off pills, but has been terrorizing me and ruining our life with drinking.

He was trying so hard. I really believe that. But then he started sneaking again, and I always know (the way we always know). Today we spent a great day riding our motorcycles, he was sober, I was hopeful. Things were looking up. Then tonight I smelled alcohol on his breath, and I acknowledged it and I told him I was not going freak out, I just went upstairs and worked on a project. He sat downstairs drinking and I could feel it in the air that the sh*t was going to hit the fan. The house got really quiet and when I went downstairs, he was sneaking out. I took his hands in mine and told him I am worried about him, he can't drive, he's drunk, he needs to stay home, I told him I'd drive him wherever he wanted to go. He said he was going for a ride on his motorcycle, and he began to get belligerent. I took the key out of his bike in a desperate attempt to not have him drive. He whaled me with his helmet (in my arm). Then he pop-clutch-started his bike and left.

He has done this so many times lately. Monday night he snuck out, wasted, came back even moreso. Thursday night he snuck out, same drill. I am tired of crying, so I don't even bother anymore. I can't take this life anymore. I am ready to leave him UNTIL he is sober again (he was sober for 12 years until this past September -- he also got a DWI, how's that for ironic? 12 years sober and two weeks drinking, then he gets a DWI.). Oh did I mention his license is suspended from the DWI?

He won't be home tonight. And I have the worst thoughts that he will go to jail or die tonight, and then I have even worse thoughts of RELIEF if either of those happen. Am I a horrible person for thinking this way? This is the man I married, the best guy on earth, who turned into an absolute monster. I will NOT bail him out again, I will not take a cab to the impound and pay to get his bike out again, I will not get him a lawyer again, I will not pay one cent to help him EVER AGAIN.

How can I spend another night like this? I hate him so much. And I know he will get sober again, but I can't take any more. Not ONE bit.

I am at a loss here. I wish I could go to a friend's house (we're new in town and I don't know anyone yet). I wish I could go to a hotel but I have two dogs -- one's a puppy. Tommorrow morning I have to oepn the store that we own together.

I want to separate but it seems logistically impossible. Whenever I try to discuss separating, he says he isn't going anywhere--what do you do when they say that? I have been here going through this for way too long -- that's why part of me hopes he just goes to jail or never comes back -- then I won't have to figure it out.

I know he is caught in a very serious addiction and when he drinks, he has absolutely no rational thoughts. I DO believe he wants more than anything to be sober again. He did it once, he can do it again, but it is much harder for him this time and I am not taking that as an excuse or justification. I know, when he is sober for almost two weeks (he is in a two week cycle now -- every two weeks he fals off the wagon), that he is hopeful and believes he can do it. Then it all goes to sh*t.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? How I can I change MY life and not be a part of this nightmare anymore??? Does anyone have any ideas?

Sorry if I rambled. I'm just so confused and heartbroken.

TRISH1011

I am a recovering alcoholic. I don't know what to advise but I hear your pain. The only thing I can think of is, live your life - regardless of how he lives his. Don't acknowledge him unless you need to. Don't talk about the drinking - he knows what he is doing is wrong. Just pursue your interests and your goals. Make new friends in town if you can?!! Join volunteer programs. Meet new people. Make it clear to him that regardless how he lives his life, you are going to live yours. This is your right. By doing this you are not catering to him and his needs. When my DH started to act as if nothing was wrong but that he was going to live his life, whether I was there or not, it frightened me that he would leave me behind. This spurred me into action. Also that he made it clear that my drinking was making me repulsive to him. And that my drinking personality, even when sober was taking over my entire character. I was furtive, sneaky and edgy. My thoughts were focused on how I was going to get the drink without him noticing. Now, my attitude has changed, and my thought process is centred around how I can beat this disease and have the life that I want. I am focused on becoming healthy and being able to have a family with DH.

Sometimes we lose sight of our dreams and hopes, alcohol pushes them under and the longer we drink, the further they are submerged. Perhaps he needs a little reminder.

Hugs
Trish

mallowcup

I agree with Trish but as a responsible adult, if you knowinly see him get into a vehicle drunk, call the police, you may be saving an innocent family on the highway. That's his choice not yours. I would make that a boundary. Trust me, I understand your pain. Alcoholics determined to drink can't be stopped. It sounds like he would be safest in jail. This might be the first step for you having a better weekend. I'm not trying to scold you in such a hard time but I will try to spare you ever having to look in a father or mothers face and try to explain how you watched him drive away drunk and didn't call the police. It's a horrible postition to be in, it makes you ache. When a drinker is involved it seems nothing happens the easy way. Let professionals intervene. I remember praying that I'd be important enough, that if I was kind enough or nonconfrontational enough, somehow my ex would see the light. Twenty years after our divorce he still hasn't seen any light and has actively pursued darkness. I tired desperately to avoid pediatric nursing. I never had any desire to be responsible for a childs acute medical well being, No sir, not me!! Well here I am a Pediatric Nurse. I've seen too many children hurt where alcohol was a factor. All I;m saying is if he insits on drinking and driving or he hits you, call the police. I think that would be a tough call for you to make, but I also think you will feel good about that choice. I also think you will rest knowing he is safe, they will get him on the road to the professionals. One of the things I hated the worst was the "not knowing", waiting for the phone to ring. You can't control him but you can control you. Al-anon sounds like the best medicine for you. Why not give it a try? In the meantime, keep coming here. We all know exactly what you are talking about.

Jbat

<b><i>Did I miss the part where you called the police?

I'm not trying to scold you in such a hard time but I will try to spare you ever having to look in a father or mothers face and try to explain how you watched him drive away drunk and didn't call the police.
</b></i>
I only saw this reply yesterday, I never saw it when I had originally posted.

I have to say, I find your comments very judgmental.

I know the P.C. thing to do would be to call the police (to protect that innocent family out there), but I would bet that would be a lot easier said than done. Could you honestly do it? See, one of the things I pray for is that my husband doesn't get arrested (again). I pray that if he gets in the car, drunk, that he makes it home OK and doesn't hurt himself or anyone else in the process. Is that selfish? Maybe. I am just trying to live my life, and it's been completely torn apart, and one of the worst things was when he DID go to jail for DWI.

This isn't my thing. I am just trying to get by. Your post really upset me.

denny57

I don't believe it is "P.C." to call the police on a drunk driver. Yes, I have done it and would do it again.

If you hang around here long enough, you will probably find that the posts that upset us the most are probably hitting home.

No one here is judgmental - not deliberately, at least, in my experience.

Stick around, read the posts. Learn about the disease. Why is it that one of the worst things that happened to YOU was HIM going to jail?

minnie

Would you call the police if that led to him reaching his bottom and getting sober?

And exactly how is protecting innocent road users "PC"? Do it, don't do it, but please don't try and rationalise that it is better for your husband to be driving drunk than facing the consequences of his actions. No, I haven't done it, but I would have no qualms at all about doing it. See, it might be me or my family who gets hit. And that's not selfish, that's self-preservation. Reading this hardened my views on this subject considerably.

There's loads to learn on this forum - enabling being one of them. Hope you stick around to read about it.

TomsGirl

I've taken the keys away from my H when he was drunk. Of course mine didn't then hit me and if he had well all I can say is I'd probably be in jail right now for murder. If you didn't think his hitting you with his helmet was bad enough to call the cops then I can see why you wouldn't call them for his driving drunk. Again, as I posted to someone else on this board it all gets down to how much you think you are worth. Punching bags and doormats aren't known for their high self-esteem. Take care.

Jbat

<i>Why is it that one of the worst things that happened to YOU was HIM going to jail?
</i>

Hmmm... let's see. Well, I was new to this city, only 8 weeks here, I didn't know anyone but my husband, so when he didn't come home (after being sober for 12 years!) it was pretty bad...

I didn't know where the jail even WAS...

I also didn't know how to bail someone out having never done it before...

I had to leave my business partner to take over the opening of our business herself so I could take a taxi somewhere far to pick up MY MOTORCYCLE that he was on...

$260 in impound fees

Over $5K (and counting) of legal fees -- money that we certainly don't have...

Sorry if that's enabling. Sorry I didn't say "To Hell With It" and get in a bubble bath. I'm only human. And FYI, before all this happened, I would have said the same thing, <i>that I'd call the police in a second.</i> Please don't judge me. This forum isn't for me to sit here defending myself against people who can't ever know what they would do in anyone else's situation.

minnie

Hon, I'm sorry that I came across so harshly. Drink-driving is something that I feel very strongly about - perhaps if you looked at the link I posted, you may see why.

I'm not for a minute berating you for not calling the cops that night, but I am a little surprised that you seem to defend him so readily. If he breaks the law by drinking and driving, then that is his stuff to own. Any jail time, fees, problems with getting around when he has no licence - they are not your problem. Of course you probably feel like they are your problem, but please don't put that burden on your shoulders. The more you put on you, the less falls on him. If he doesn't feel the consequences of his actions directly, the further away recovery will be for him.

I am truly sorry that I didn't welcome you to this forum in the way you deserved. Can we start again?

Cindi R

(((Jbat)))
I'm an addict who learned a lot of the alanon principles in dealing with my still practicing (now ex) AH.
Those 3C's...
Didn't CAUSE.
Can't CONTROL.
Can't CURE.
Saved my sanity whan dealing with my A...
I'd reccomend going to some alanon meetings, and try to detach from the game of power struggles, and get busy living your own life as Trish suggested.

Jbat

<i>but I am a little surprised that you seem to defend him so readily.

</i>When did I EVER defend him? If you read my history of posts, you'll see how far I've come. This forum really helped me. But now every time I check it, I feel really defensive and I feel bad. Maybe it's like Denny said, "...the posts that upset us the most are probably hitting home", but I can not accept people telling me what they WOULD HAVE done in my same situation. That's counterproductive; it doesn't help anything.

And of COURSE I feel strongly about drinking and driving. I thank God every day that the only person he hurt was himself!

Please, let this thread die. I'd like to use this forum like I have been, to get help and support. And this apparently can go on and on...

Thanks
-Jbat

gelfling

Hi Jbat,

I think you did right coming here. For many reasons. You said we should go back and look at your progress from when you started posting. It's been 6 months and it looks as if you're pretty much in the same place. And I will not excuse my bluntness...I'm a bit of a ball buster and tell it like it is. Are you going to alanon meetings? That's so very important for you. Not for him or what you can do to help him, but to help yourself.
You said you hated him and wanted ideas, yet you get defensive if one of the other posters tells you to report him when he's driving. Try looking at it this way...you may help him hit his bottom by making him go to jail. And if you're both in the business, I'm sure you can run it yourself as he seems incapable of helping. Or as Dr. Phil says, his bottom may be death--if he continues driving.

Telling him this is letting him know it's okay with you. Detaching is what needs to be done in such situations.
And you find all of this acceptable to the point you allow him to hit you, risk his life and those of others and possibly lose your business over this.

No one on this site posts their replies to posts to be mean and hateful. We've all been through hell and back and several times. I have a recovering husband and a son who recently began his recovery. So, please don't think we're here just to bust your chops. We're letting you know the honest facts. And we want to hold your hand and give you a hug when things suck.

This site is a blessings for thousands of people. If you're getting defensive, look inside yourself and ask yourself "why are these people p*ssing me off". You'll find your answer.

Hugs and Blessings, Kathy
__________________

rider

jbat,

You are like me, you have a high tolerance for flippin' bullcrap. I too took it way longer than any other person would. I "loved" him. He too used to say (and we were not married but we were living in MY house) I'm not going anywhere, when i asked him to leave. He'd park his butt on the couch and actually glare at me.

You'll get fed up.
Or maybe he'll get better.
But don't count on him getting better,
Just count on you getting fed up. That will happen eventually. Hopefully sooner than later.

Jbat

I can't believe I asked you all to let this thread die and you had to go on. I thought this board was a positive thing. I don't post things so they can be picked apart. If it makes you feel good to do it, then good for you. If you all can't respect my request to let the thread end, then I have no interest in coming back. I am completely blown away. I was here for help and I thought I was getting it (and I was from the few of you I had private messages with) but I guess it's real easy to tell me "how it is", after skimming my 7 post history.

I'm sick over the attacks on here (and just because you end your post with "hugs and blessings, we're here for you", they're still attacks).

Thanks to everyone who's helped me in the past. Good luck to all of you. I really wish the best for all of you, I really do.

-Jbat

JessicaNAJ

Jbat....You are not in a "no win" situation with your A. Look deep inside yourself and tell me, what does Jbat want?

I'm not going to critisize you for not calling the Police. I don't know that I could have done it either. But the lifestyle you are living....five years from now it will still be the same if you don't do something to change. I can tell you from experience....it does not get easier. The rubber knees, the sick stomach, the numbness you feel when you know something isn't right....it does not go away. What does Jbat want?

beginning2c

I can PROMISE you that nothing will change. It only gets worse. We get caught up in the net and squirm and fight to get out of the entrapment, but only get more tangled up in it.
You must realize that until he makes a decision to change his own life, things will always be this way.
You on the other hand, ony you can make decisions as to just what you want out of your own life. Fear? Turmoil? Insanity?
Take charge of your own life.
Now let me tell you the story of my kids father.
We married and he was a great guy! It wasn't 6 months into the marriage he started drinking so heavily that he was drunk almost every day. He became physically abusive. I was so terribly naive, plus I had come from an alcoholic family, that I just stayed in it, fearing for my life every day. I had a black eye or a fat lip every single day. I was embarrassed to go anywhere. I had 2 children by him in 3 years.
He was so evil that I was terrified for my life and for my childrens life. We were doing quite well financially. We had just bought our 2nd home!
About a year and a half into the marriage, one of his co workers came to our home knocking on the door. When I opened it, I was startled to see this guy with this very distraught look on his face. He told me Bill had just been arrested at work and I needed to get down there to the jail right away.
Well, in the year and a half I had been married, Bill had been arrested for alcohol related bs at least once a month, where I would go bail him out. I had only one child at the time.
So, I got in the car and went to the police station with my child and a child I was babysitting for. I asked what he was in for this time. The lady officer looked at me in disgust and said, "You don't know?" I was baffled, but I said, "did he get in a fight?" She said, "NO, he in in for RAPE " I stood there stunned. I don't know why this would have shocked me so badly, but I just couldn't believe this.
Fast forward to court day...
We spend every single penny we had to get him the best attorney in the state. He got off on 5 years probation! The story of the rape is this:
He was in his usual bar, drinking himself into a stupor. He picked up a woman, took her out in the middle of nowhere, beat her sensless and raped her. Then, he dumped her out in the woods. She was beaten so badly she went deaf in one ear.
(Deep breath)
This woke him up. He got straight instantly. He promised never to hit me again and to be a good father.
Fast forward one year later...
We had just purchased another home, brand new and beautiful. He, and I and both children, were at a birthday party for one of his friends. My oldest was 2 and a half, the youngest was 3 months old. He got drunk for the first time since the trial.
When we all got in the car, he went crazy. He hit me across the face and blood was squirting out of my nose onto the infant. The 2 year old started screaming. All the horrid terrifying way home, he reached across the seat and kept smaking me. It seemed that he believed I looked at another man.
Well, we got home. As soon as we got home, he went to the bathroom to take a shower as if nothing was wrong. I was terrified beyond imagination. Nothing had changed after all.
I called the police and asked them to escort me out the door of my home. By the time he got out of the shower, the police were in the house. I was COVERED with blood and so was the baby (from my blood).
I had called a friend and told her I needed a place to stay and she said OK.
I packed a diaper bag and some spare clothes and left that night. I filed for divorce immediately.
I left a beautiful house, but it was a house of nightmares. I would have lived in a shelter if I had no where to go. I would have done absolutely ANYTHING to get away from him.
That was 25 years ago.
Today he is in prison for LIFE for brutally raping a 17 year old while he was drunk out of his mind. He will never get out.
All I know is I would have been dead by now had I not FINALLY taken action to protect myself.
Don't worry what you will eat or where you will live. Anything is better than the fear and terror of living with an alcoholic.
May God bless you in a special way and give you peace.
Hugs,
Tina

JessicaNAJ

Wow...Tina. You are one hell of a person. How horrible for you to have gone through that, and how brave of you to get out.

Thank you for sharing that with us.

freya

Jbat: I have read this thread several times and do not see that anyone has attacked you. In fact, it would appear to me that people are trying to help you, your husband and any innocent people whom his behavior might endanger. Saying things that someone may not want to hear is not the same as attacking that person; true support does not mean giving someone feel-good, enabling sympathy and turning a blind eye to behavior that, one knows from one's own experience, is only making her situation worse.

Like all of us, you have the freedom to take what you like and leave the rest (and I certainly encourage you to do so) -- but you do not have the right to put a question out there and then berate people for responding with their own hard-learned truths simply because they are threatening to you or because you'd prefer not to hear them. My personal experience with most successful 12 Steppers is that, if I'm not prepared to hear things that may be hard for me and that may be very different from what I personally have been able to do in the past, I'd better just keep quiet...because people with good recovery are going to do me the favor and give me the compliment of taking my recovery seriously and of believing that I, too, can find the self-esteem, the courage, and the faith to do what needs to be done even if I don't want or as-of-yet am unable to believe those things about myself.

freya

Hoping4Hope

GREAT RESPONSE, Freya!!

equus

Jbat,

I hope you pop back!! I hope you stay too - rifts between people can be mended, sometimes it's worth talking about it, perhaps start another thread and see if good communication can work it's wonder!!

I think what's happened here (I might be wrong) is that you've felt isolated because the thread neded up centred around drunk driving. I've seen lots of post here where spouses have known their partner is driving drunk and not reported it - you're NOT alone.

I don't have that to deal with from my hubby but I can't say hand on heart I've never known a friend to drive while over the limit. They might not have been my partner but at the end of a large (ish) party, I've ignored that some maybe one or two over. I'd LIKE to think I'd report it, I DO care about drunk driving - but hand on heart I've never rang the police and reported someone, and it's NOT the case that I've never known anyone drive over the limit.

So if first of all I know I've never actually reported anyone, while I also know that isn't because I've never known anyone drive drunk - you could say I'm the same as you, except I'm not. You live with the threat of violence, you've been abused by him, you have to way up what backlash there will be for you, you've been isolated in a new place. It would have cost me no more than friendship had I called the police, from YOUR perspective it could cost you far more. Not only that but you come to ask about all those things, which must take courage, you've been absolutely honest - admitted things openly that often people only know are true in their own hearts.

I hope you come back Jbat because one forum rift aside you have lots to offer us. Whether you believe it or not you're special, far too special to stay trapped where you are without us all losing out on who you are.

Take care - take really good care of you.