Girlfriend

For both me and my xabf who's in rehab on The Farm.

(It's so good to come back "home" and see everyone still here :HOValenti


Back in December, things started going really badly. My job was really stressful, I had 3 friends (one family member) die just in the month of Dec. My job's contract was coming to an end and I was feeling really alone. Each Christmas is hard, but this one especially with my kid's uncle (35 yr old with two small children) being found dead by my x husband--my kid's Dad----in his home of an overdose.

My xabf has been sober and on The Farm for almost 6 months. We talked now and then and he was doing really well. He has/had 9 more months to go.

So, I started leaning back on him. I knew I shouldn't, but I did. My feelings for him never really went away. I just stopped believing in an "us" for the future.

We saw each other, he can get day passes or weekend passes once in awhile. It was great!! He seemed SO changed and not angry and just like, if not better, it was at the beggining of our relationship almost two years ago.

We both started getting very hopeful for a relationship again because he was doing so well.

He hurt his back on The Farm awhile ago. That's was minor, but 2 weeks ago, he tore his menicus in his knee and was in alot of pain. They can't give him more than Tylenol to kill the pain and he's gonna have to have surgery on the knee. But, can't while in the program.

As soon as he hurt his knee, he backed way off. No more emails, no more calls,.....I got worried and found out that he did hurt his knee. I knew he was in alot of physical pain. But, when I'd ask him "how's your knee? Are you still in alot of pain?" and he'd always say "oh, no...I'm fine".

Recently, he received a $300 check in the mail from a company that owed that to him. He was always broke before. Plus, an old co-worker told him that he'd hire him back at any time.

He was supposed to have a weekend pass this weekend and we were going to see each other yesterday. But, when he started backing off so much, I kept asking him "what's wrong? Please tell me". He wouldn't, so I told him that maybe us spending time together wasn't such a good idea and to just go visit his folks instead.

He got mad and told me "I don't care anymore. You're never around. Maybe I should find someone else to 'use', like you think I do". There are no women on The Farm ....only men. But, they all go to church together and there's women there. They're discouraged from starting up new relationships until AFTER they graduate the program.

I think that his "I don't care" attitude, withdrawing from me and loved ones, his physical pain and the recent $ he got, were all signs of relapsing. I think he planned on getting drunk this weekend and blew me off because he didn't want me to know. He probably thought he could drink a shooter of vodka on Friday night and by today, when he was to go back.....the alcohol would be out of his system.

I haven't heard from him at all. I don't know if he came to town this weekend or not. He just totally blew me off without saying why. That's what hurts the most because we were SO close again and there was Hope.....he was doing really well and I could see the change.

I'm having a hard time with this because I'm not only greiving my friends/families death (which triggered my greif from my parent's death) , am unemployed again and now xabf just totally drops me without a word.

I just needed to come and vent my feelings, hopefully get some feedback and support (whew! I need it. We all do) and help get some insight as to why xabf did that after doing so well and working towards a better life. He KNEW if he relapsed that he might as well start digging his grave because he'd drink himself to death. He already has arrythmia (irregular heartbeats).

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading and I hope SO much that you all are doing better in your recovery!!

((hugs))

cwohio

((GF))no words of wisdom from me - i'm having a crappy night myself dealing with some emotions. just wanted you to know i'm thinking about you and praying for you! welcome back to the fold!

Pick-a-name

Girlfriend: Welcome back! Glad to see you here again, but sorry for the hurt I can hear in your post. Hope you will stick around and also hope when you get some news that it is good. Sounds as if you have had plenty of the other kind. Sorry you are hurting.

Zoey

Most of us have set backs, or relapes. Glad you came back, I had missed you, but had hoped all well and you were haveing fun. No advise, just so sorry you are hurting. BIG HUGS

ASpouse

What I don't understand is why you are setting yourself to be hurt again and why in heavens name you are even bothering with him. No need to explain to me, but it doesn't seem as if you have learned anything since this entire fiasco started.

He is a big boy, he hurt his knee, he may need surgery. He can deal with it. Why you are projecting what he might do with his money, you are assuming he will drink on his weekend pass. Apparently you don't have much faith in him or in his program or his progress. That is your perogative to feel this way, but if you have no faith in it and he is in a controlled environment, why would you even want to get back together with him.

Too many questions here for me ...... I think you should look for another job, go to a bereavement group to help you deal with your losses and let the "boyfriend" deal with his stuff. From what you're posting, it doesn't sound as if he is.

BigSis

"Awfulizing" or "worst-case-scenario" are tools I brought out of my childhood. I learned that if I expected good things, I was often disappointed.... so I was trained to expect the worst as a way to cope.

In Alanon, and through working the steps, I learned to recognize this in myself. I have also learned that others don't control this awfulizing - I do. I can twingle myself into knots and create and increase the fear in my life. Fear is painful for me, and is what got me to Alanon in the first place.

What a shock to discover I was the one in control of what I felt.

It isn't easy. I have to distract myself - sometimes that feels like work, but it is worth it.

I can still be there and be a whole and loving person. If the addicts/alcoholics in my life get sober - I can still love them. I don't have to hate them or despise them for "relapsing"... If I can get detached enough, their relapses become their business... and my relapses stay my business.

Alaon helps me. If you haven't found a good meeting in your area, I would urge you to try 5 or 6 meetings. If you have been attending, I would suggest that increasing the number of meetings you attend each week might help. They saved my life... and it just keeps getting better.

I wish you the best...

Girlfriend

Thanks to all of you ((hugs))..

BigSis---that's a HUGE insight, thank you!


Judy......I love ya. I expected your response. I'm glad that your husband got sober and you two are doing well. That doesn't always happen for other's though.

Yeah, we codies are weak. I especially, since the recent amount of deaths and losses. I'm not gonna make excuses of why I kept in touch with him....I did.

Like Clancy says, we all relapse at some time or another.

The thing with the $ is that it now gives him some new independence to where before, he didn't have that. For him to just shut down like that and all of a sudden stop talking and withdrawing, the "I don't care anymore"....those are signs of relapse. And, he hasn't been that way since before he went into rehab.I'm a RA of 12 years......I know the signs.

I'm just hurting, is all. I know I messed up. Now, it's up to me to get back up and learn from THIS mistake and go from here. I give my heart out too easily, especially when I'm vulnerable. It's not a sin....it's something that needs to be fine tuned.

Thanks again everybody! I love ya all!!

ASpouse

Girlfriend, and I mean this in the kindest of ways , this quote makes you the most dangerous kind of RA there is.

Everyone is different, everyone is an individual. You cannot say in such a blanket statement that because a RA does this, they will relapse. It's an unfair statement and very judgemental on your part.

If your "boyfriend" cannot handle money after all of this time, then to me it only proves one thing ....... he is just going through the motions because he was forced to, not because he wanted to. This only goes to validate the point once again,that an alcoholic cannot recovery unless they admit that alcohol is a problem, this is something that he never did if I remember right?

He was forced ...... and most if not all alcoholics will tell you that if they were forced to do something to get sober, they wouldn't have done it.

You need to go to Al Anon. Let him do his thing and you do yours. He's been playing you ever since he left, and by you keeping in contact with him, well you allowed it. Smart guy ....... used what he had!

PS: I knew you'd be expecting my response ... LOL

Cynay

Welcome back GF.... sorry your hurting.

We all do it, the question is to what degree we relapse.

It is way too easy to get wrapped up in their lives, recovery, chaos again... It has been over a year since my ex-abf and I broke up and to this day I choose no contact because it would be too easy to get wrapped up in his life and the "mistakes" I think he is making.

Time to put the focus back on you sweetie, sounds like you forgot to do that during the time with him. My ex and I got together for a month last March and I thought the same thing, saw some changes for the better (what he wanted me to see) had 6 months sober etc.... but nothing had changed. You abf is in a controled enviroment, perhaps leave it alone till he can walk the walk all by himself, just because he has been sober 9 months does not mean he is thinking in a healthy way... he is still sick and it could take years for him to start figuring it out.

*hugs* sorry about your losses... get some support for that one and remember to put the focus back on YOU!

Girlfriend

Actually, Judy, I got those "relapse signs" from a website:

THE TEN MOST COMMON RELAPSE DANGERS
1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals.

2. Feelings we perceive as negative, particularly anger; also sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.

3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.

4. Boredom.

5. Getting high on any drug.

6. Physical pain.

7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.

8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.

9. Using prescription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.

10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations, or by anything else – and therefore maybe it’s safe for you to use occasionally.

Plus these:

Relapse Signs and Symptoms
Experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal: I start having problems with one or more of the following; thinking difficulties, emotional overreaction problems, sleep disturbances, memory difficulties, becoming accident prone, and/or starting to experience a serious sensitivity to stress.

Return To Denial: I stop telling others what I’m thinking/feeling and start trying to convince myself or others that everything is all right, when in fact it is not.

Avoidance And Defensive Behavior: I start avoiding people who will give me honest feedback and/or I start becoming irritable and angry with them.

Starting To Crisis Build: I start to notice that ordinary everyday problems become overwhelming and no matter how hard I try, I can’t solve my problems.

Feeling Immobilized (Stuck): I start believing that there is nowhere to turn and no way to solve my problems. I feel trapped and start to use magical thinking.

Becoming Depressed: I start feeling down-in-the dumps and have very low energy. I may even become so depressed that I start thinking of suicide.

Compulsive And/Or Impulsive Behaviors (Loss Of Control): I start using one or more of the following- food, sex, caffeine, nicotine, work, gambling, etc. often in an out of control fashion. And/or I may react without thinking of the consequences of my behavior on myself and others.

Urges And Cravings (Thinking About Drinking/Using): I begin to think that alcohol/drug use is the only way to feel better. I start thinking about justifications to drink/use and convince myself that using is the logical thing to do.

Chemical Loss Of Control (Drinking/Using): I find myself drinking/using again to solve my problems. I start to believe that “it’s all over ‘till I hit bottom, so I may as well enjoy this relapse while it’s good.” My problems continue to get worse.

That comes from:Substance Abuse and Treatment


Plus, BEFORE I totally quit 12 yrs ago, some of those "signs" described me.



I do believe now that he has been faking his way through the whole thing. At times, he may have really learned some things, but basically faked it. And, you're right.......he played me ALL the way.

I'm kicking myself in the butt and really am NOT liking him at all right now. He KNEW the losses I experienced in my life and he STILL played me.

That's low and I'm angry at both him......and me.

ASpouse

Those signs of relapse are for the the recovering alcoholic, not the enabler to stress over them to make sure the RA isn't relapsing! Gosh, if I had this when my husband was recovering, I'd swear he was on the verge of relapsing every single hour of every single day.

WE are not the ones that are supposed to judge/diagnose them IF they are headed towards a relapse.

He's an alcoholic/addict ...... did you expect anything else? C'mon I know you aren't that naieve?!?

Girlfriend

When you're hurting and vulnerable, you wanna believe in them.

I did some selfish things when I was an active drunk, but since then......in 12 years, I have a heart. I actually do care about other's feelings and don't use them. It's hard for me to remember being the opposite.

If he played me.......he did a DARN good acting job. I cannot believe some one could be so heartless, naive or not. That's just down right mean and hateful.

Was your husband like that, Judy? How did he change?

minnie

My ex is still like that. I was played like a fish on a hook. And he's doing the same with the next volunteer.

Good to see you, hon, but wish it wasn't under these circumstances. You know the watch the actions, don't listen to the words thing? How can he show actions when he's not living in the "real" world?

I know life has been really tough these past few months, but please find some people around who are emotionally available. You turned away from the support here right into the arms of someone who you knew had let you down in the past. That's about you, not him. Once you figure that out, you're on the road.

Don't be a stranger.

Girlfriend

Thanks, Minnie!!

When I stopped posting here, I was actually doing rather well. Things were good and I wasn't leaning on xabf back then at all. Heard from him once in awhile and sounded like he was doing well, but that was it......nothing more.

But, a couple months later, when friends and family started passing away, it triggered really vulnerable feelings again and then's when I leaned on him.

Thankfully, I do have some great friends that are SO patient with me and even though they knew I was seeing xabf again last month, they didn't say anything negative....they just didn't say anything at all probably because they knew that I'd fall again and then pick myself back up and they'd be there, which they are.

I'll be here either reading and/or posting. I need a refresher course and thank God you're all here.

Do you still talk with your ex, Minnie? Did you cut the ties with him and the business?

((hugs))

minnie

Nope, no contact with the ex other than through lawyers, although ironically that request came from his lawyer.

You know what? It's great.