How to motivate someone to give up drinking?!?!
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
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How to motivate someone to give up drinking?!?!
You think this is possible???
My BF seems to think it is.....I've tried explaining I can't help him, it has to come from him etc...but he disagrees..
He says I should ring and make appointments for the docs etc...I should try and get him into a treatment/drying out program....
If I try and tell him it's not my responsibility and that I can only make the appointment, I can't force him to go etc...Then I get made to feel guilty....."if you wanted to help me you would"..."I won't do it by myself"...."I need someone to do these things for me".....
My point is...if he was ready, would he not do these things himself? It doesn't help that he's drunk when he says these things.....he even looked up a website and downloaded a pdf file entitled "How to motivate someone to seek help for Alcoholism" ....can download it here ---> http://www.dryoutnow.com/alcoholism_help2/default.asp# (at the bottom of the page) if anyone wants to take a look!
Am I being selfish not wanting to get into talks about him getting off the alcohol? I don't see much point when he's drunk. And I've heard it all a dozen times over.....
It actually annoys me that once again, all the responsibility is being put on me! But then I feel bad for thinking that way! Urgh!
My BF seems to think it is.....I've tried explaining I can't help him, it has to come from him etc...but he disagrees..
He says I should ring and make appointments for the docs etc...I should try and get him into a treatment/drying out program....
If I try and tell him it's not my responsibility and that I can only make the appointment, I can't force him to go etc...Then I get made to feel guilty....."if you wanted to help me you would"..."I won't do it by myself"...."I need someone to do these things for me".....
My point is...if he was ready, would he not do these things himself? It doesn't help that he's drunk when he says these things.....he even looked up a website and downloaded a pdf file entitled "How to motivate someone to seek help for Alcoholism" ....can download it here ---> http://www.dryoutnow.com/alcoholism_help2/default.asp# (at the bottom of the page) if anyone wants to take a look!
Am I being selfish not wanting to get into talks about him getting off the alcohol? I don't see much point when he's drunk. And I've heard it all a dozen times over.....
It actually annoys me that once again, all the responsibility is being put on me! But then I feel bad for thinking that way! Urgh!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
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If he will go to the appointment I would make it. If you make it and he doesn't go you know hes not ready and sucking you into his game.
Also if I had know all the things I would have to go through with my A I wouldn't have married her. I knew she had a problem before the proposal, am I crazy or what?
Also if I had know all the things I would have to go through with my A I wouldn't have married her. I knew she had a problem before the proposal, am I crazy or what?
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
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The short answer is NO Missus.
I am a sober alkie, and I know that no pleading, enabling , or anger from my one and only son, ever had ANY effect on me . I was ready when I was ready, and not before , unfortunately .
HUGX
Lee
I am a sober alkie, and I know that no pleading, enabling , or anger from my one and only son, ever had ANY effect on me . I was ready when I was ready, and not before , unfortunately .
HUGX
Lee
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
No, it is absolutely NOT your responsibility. He's very clever, isn't he?
I read that link and actually I can see that there would be situations where it was make sense to give the suggestions a go. After all, much of it is very much based on detachment and letting the alcoholic live with the consequences of their own actions.
Guilt? If I feel guilty, it is usually about ME. No-one else can make me feel guilty if my thinking is healthy.
I read that link and actually I can see that there would be situations where it was make sense to give the suggestions a go. After all, much of it is very much based on detachment and letting the alcoholic live with the consequences of their own actions.
Guilt? If I feel guilty, it is usually about ME. No-one else can make me feel guilty if my thinking is healthy.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
I might look up and write down the phone numbers. Some people are better at the phone directory than others but that is all I would do. That's why I like the rehab hospital here that my husband has gone too. They will only accept a call from him for admittance. Good way to do it IMHO.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
My point is...if he was ready, would he not do these things himself?
I see nothing wrong with your thinking, he is just trying to make it "look" like he wants to stop, without stopping.
When he is ready.....let HIM go for it! (Those A's always have an angle, don't they? If they put a fraction of the energy into stopping as they do in all their crap, etc just think what they could accomplish!)
Believe in yourself; he is full of BS!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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You are in a very tough situation. Yes, the A's are very clever. And I can tell you this much - if you do this, you are putting yourself in the position to be blamed later if anything goes not as planned. You are putting yourself in the position to where it will look as though it's all your idea, that he did it cuz you wanted him too, that you are being controlling, etc. I can see red flags all over this one under the manipulation/guilt heading!
However, I also agree that in part, maybe he does need you to do this for him. It's very hard for an addict to swallow their pride and actually make a first step or effort in getting control of their own lives.
Personally, I think I'd write down the phone number(s) for him. I'd tell him that when he's ready to call, I'd be there to hold his hand and even ride along with him if he wanted me too. But essentially, he had to be the one to make the effort.
I guess I've just found myself in the position too many times where my being supportive and helping a little too much turned into my enabling and set myself up for the manipulation, guilt, etc. However, that is just my own situation.
One thing I want to point out to you - and you know this already - there is no reasoning with someone that is under the influence. And the responsibility is NOT being put on you. He's trying to force that responsibility upon you so it's your choice whether you are going to take it upon yourself or not. And why feel guilty? This is not your guilt to feel.
Sorry Missus, but I think this whole making you feel guilty and trying to unload the responsibility onto you is just one of the many games that alcoholics play. It's up to you if you want to play.
However, I also agree that in part, maybe he does need you to do this for him. It's very hard for an addict to swallow their pride and actually make a first step or effort in getting control of their own lives.
Personally, I think I'd write down the phone number(s) for him. I'd tell him that when he's ready to call, I'd be there to hold his hand and even ride along with him if he wanted me too. But essentially, he had to be the one to make the effort.
I guess I've just found myself in the position too many times where my being supportive and helping a little too much turned into my enabling and set myself up for the manipulation, guilt, etc. However, that is just my own situation.
One thing I want to point out to you - and you know this already - there is no reasoning with someone that is under the influence. And the responsibility is NOT being put on you. He's trying to force that responsibility upon you so it's your choice whether you are going to take it upon yourself or not. And why feel guilty? This is not your guilt to feel.
Sorry Missus, but I think this whole making you feel guilty and trying to unload the responsibility onto you is just one of the many games that alcoholics play. It's up to you if you want to play.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Northern Ca
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I remember a couple of times I made those calls for my sister. The first words the person answering the phone said was, 'why isn't she making this call?"
Look up the numbers for him, hand him the phone and tell him that its his job to call, not yours.
Look up the numbers for him, hand him the phone and tell him that its his job to call, not yours.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
He needs to make the call.
I refuse to even drive the alcoholic to AA meetings. I make her find her own way to the meetings.
Why should you work that hard for his recovery? He needs to do the work.
I refuse to even drive the alcoholic to AA meetings. I make her find her own way to the meetings.
Why should you work that hard for his recovery? He needs to do the work.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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More manipulation. It makes you responsible for his success or failure. I was going to ask if he didn't have fingers for dialing. If my alcoholic husband didn't have arms and legs, a mouth to speak with, then maybe I'd make the call and drive him. Short of that, his lack of planning is no emergency to me.
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I just booked an appointment at the doctors for him for Thursday...whether he goes or not is up to him. He needs to see the doctor to get a referal to the "live in" clinic.....He did the same thing last year and when the appointment came he never went, so we shall see eh...I'm neither doing or saying any more about it!
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They're the milder things!! I'm learning to detach some what but it's still upsetting.
He went into a live in treatment program a year before we met, he lived with his mum and dad at the time and his mum sorted EVERYTHING out for him....I think he kinda expects me to do the same. I keep telling him I'm not his mum!! He tells me "you have to take care of me, I can't take care of myself"........"if I didn't have you or mum I'd be on the streets by now or dead"!!
How special do I feel!!!?!?!
I think his mum has mollycoddled him and enabled him for SO long that in his mind he SHOULD be looked after.......he actually used to wake his mum up at 2am to make him some food if he was hungry because he couldnt be bothered cooking, knowing she wouldnt say no because if she did he wouldnt eat and she wanted to make sure he eats......mental!
He went into a live in treatment program a year before we met, he lived with his mum and dad at the time and his mum sorted EVERYTHING out for him....I think he kinda expects me to do the same. I keep telling him I'm not his mum!! He tells me "you have to take care of me, I can't take care of myself"........"if I didn't have you or mum I'd be on the streets by now or dead"!!
How special do I feel!!!?!?!
I think his mum has mollycoddled him and enabled him for SO long that in his mind he SHOULD be looked after.......he actually used to wake his mum up at 2am to make him some food if he was hungry because he couldnt be bothered cooking, knowing she wouldnt say no because if she did he wouldnt eat and she wanted to make sure he eats......mental!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Just a thought... you said you did this for him last year and he did not go to the appt.
Perhaps when he trys the guilt trip on you again, point that out to him......
I know it would be my nature to want to work it all out for them, but that does give him the ability to place the blame on you... he has to want it for it to work.
Had to edit after seeing your last post.... OMG can I ask one question??? and I know this sounds bad but why do you bother.
See how well it worked out for him when his mum arranged everything last time.... Cooking for him at 2am??? your joking, my teenager does not even "expect" anything close to that...
Guess it just frustrates me to see this behavior... either that or I have a shot fuse today...
Perhaps when he trys the guilt trip on you again, point that out to him......
I know it would be my nature to want to work it all out for them, but that does give him the ability to place the blame on you... he has to want it for it to work.
Had to edit after seeing your last post.... OMG can I ask one question??? and I know this sounds bad but why do you bother.
See how well it worked out for him when his mum arranged everything last time.... Cooking for him at 2am??? your joking, my teenager does not even "expect" anything close to that...
Guess it just frustrates me to see this behavior... either that or I have a shot fuse today...
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Join Date: May 2004
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
"you have to take care of me, I can't take care of myself"........"if I didn't have you or mum I'd be on the streets by now or dead"!!
Where is his incentive at the moment?
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His appointment for the docs is today in three hours....he said he's not going, he's too tired.....
Why?? Because he's been up for the past 7 hours drinking. He's now asleep...said if I could get him an appointment for later on today he might go, he just needs to sleep.
Told him if he wanted a later appointment he'd have to ring himself and not to ask me to make any further appointments because I won't be doing it.....his reply "It'll probably never get sorted then...you know what I'm like, I'll never ring..."
My response....."So be it"
Why?? Because he's been up for the past 7 hours drinking. He's now asleep...said if I could get him an appointment for later on today he might go, he just needs to sleep.
Told him if he wanted a later appointment he'd have to ring himself and not to ask me to make any further appointments because I won't be doing it.....his reply "It'll probably never get sorted then...you know what I'm like, I'll never ring..."
My response....."So be it"
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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It will continue as long as he has a roof over his head, 3 squares, and a secretary.
I think that you could add "butt wiper" to your resume' if you started carrying toilet paper.
It's a hard line and the sooner you take it, the sooner you'll feel your own health begin to return. Ask me how I know..............
I think that you could add "butt wiper" to your resume' if you started carrying toilet paper.
It's a hard line and the sooner you take it, the sooner you'll feel your own health begin to return. Ask me how I know..............
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