As we left off.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
As we left off.........
Hi friends,
As we left off, I believe it was about Thanksgiving time, the A....who I think I'll name "Snoopy" became furious with me because he read all my posts here and didn't like what I was writing about, mainly that I was thinking of leaving because he was in active addiction.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda......same story that's been told on this board thousands of times......he quit using, some recovery, I forgive and we try to work things out, going pretty good, found visine under the seat in my car, decided it must have been an old one, thought I smelled pot, he said it was a cigarette, I believed him, started obsessing, did a strip and search of the house, found drugs in truck, confronted Snoopy, Quack Quack Quack.
As the old sayings go......
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Same sh.. different day
I can't think of anymore...give it a try, it's therapeutic.
I feel nothing, I'm numb.....I don't know what to do because I don't feel anything. I have to pick up my son from pre-scool.
As we left off, I believe it was about Thanksgiving time, the A....who I think I'll name "Snoopy" became furious with me because he read all my posts here and didn't like what I was writing about, mainly that I was thinking of leaving because he was in active addiction.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda......same story that's been told on this board thousands of times......he quit using, some recovery, I forgive and we try to work things out, going pretty good, found visine under the seat in my car, decided it must have been an old one, thought I smelled pot, he said it was a cigarette, I believed him, started obsessing, did a strip and search of the house, found drugs in truck, confronted Snoopy, Quack Quack Quack.
As the old sayings go......
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Same sh.. different day
I can't think of anymore...give it a try, it's therapeutic.
I feel nothing, I'm numb.....I don't know what to do because I don't feel anything. I have to pick up my son from pre-scool.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Thanks guys,
I tell ya though, I really don't feel upset, angry or anything....I mean yadda, yadda, yadda. It may be because it's like 75 degrees and sunny here today and I'm in a post menstrual time of the month......
But I don't think that's the reason. I really had no expectations, didn't get my hopes up. I wasn't living in....this is a second chance at love mode......
I think when something happens enough times, as much as you rationalize and fight it, it gets hard to hang onto the denial, it just turns into acceptance.
It would have been nice, he's been so helpful around the house and with the kids and very attentive in every way, if you get my meaning.
But now I'm just gonna chalk it up to "actions motivated by guilt" instead of any real change or growth.
I tell ya though, I really don't feel upset, angry or anything....I mean yadda, yadda, yadda. It may be because it's like 75 degrees and sunny here today and I'm in a post menstrual time of the month......
But I don't think that's the reason. I really had no expectations, didn't get my hopes up. I wasn't living in....this is a second chance at love mode......
I think when something happens enough times, as much as you rationalize and fight it, it gets hard to hang onto the denial, it just turns into acceptance.
It would have been nice, he's been so helpful around the house and with the kids and very attentive in every way, if you get my meaning.
But now I'm just gonna chalk it up to "actions motivated by guilt" instead of any real change or growth.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hey Searching,
Denial doesn't just turn into acceptance by default. It takes hard work to pry those eyes open. The trouble is we can'y close them all the way again.
Smoke...you have a nerf bat??? You have been holding out on us. I think it is time to turn it over and add it to the survival kit. In fact it has the potential to replace the skillet. The obvious problem would be getting it near an open flame.
Hugs,
JT
Denial doesn't just turn into acceptance by default. It takes hard work to pry those eyes open. The trouble is we can'y close them all the way again.
Smoke...you have a nerf bat??? You have been holding out on us. I think it is time to turn it over and add it to the survival kit. In fact it has the potential to replace the skillet. The obvious problem would be getting it near an open flame.
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Searching
I want to send a few hugs too and my hope that you are okay.
The last time my son relapsed, I felt much like you...no feelings to speak of, maybe a little disappointment combined with disgust, but no big deal.
And right now he is in a recovery program, and although I am happy for him and pray he can hang on to it, I am not jumping up and down either.
I think what has happened, with me, is that my recovery and my program have kicked in and kept me safe from the huge emotional ups and downs. I accept that he may struggle with this the rest of his life, or he may be fine tomorrow - the thing is I am powerless over which.
Keep working your program, Searching and keep your helmet on. One day at a time, it starts getting better.
I want to send a few hugs too and my hope that you are okay.
The last time my son relapsed, I felt much like you...no feelings to speak of, maybe a little disappointment combined with disgust, but no big deal.
And right now he is in a recovery program, and although I am happy for him and pray he can hang on to it, I am not jumping up and down either.
I think what has happened, with me, is that my recovery and my program have kicked in and kept me safe from the huge emotional ups and downs. I accept that he may struggle with this the rest of his life, or he may be fine tomorrow - the thing is I am powerless over which.
Keep working your program, Searching and keep your helmet on. One day at a time, it starts getting better.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Wyandotte, Mi
Posts: 42
((((((Searching)))))))
Sorry to hear he was in fake quit mode. Sorry that you feel numb. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, the frantic mode or the numbness. Good to hear from you, no matter what the news is, I always smile when I see you name on a post.
and just incase the first one wasn't enough, ((((((((Searching)))))))))
and just incase the first one wasn't enough, ((((((((Searching)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
A dammit doll is a tightly stuffed rag doll with legs 4 times as long as it's body. You swing it by it's legs and beat it's head against the wall yelling "dammit dammit dammit". Very soothing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
I definitely want a dammit doll. Everything else can stay in waiting in the survival kit but I think everyone should have a dammit doll on hand just in case. Thant's neat that you can make one of those, babysteps. I can sew a button on and patch up the holes in my sons favorite bunny (although that's apparently a surgical procedure) but that's about it. You should go into business, I'll make the first order.....I'll have 2, one for upstairs and one for downstairs.
Well, it's almost 2 am here. It's been quite a night. I'm still Ok but I acted out a bit tonight. I think I somehow get a license to treat my husband badly when he uses. It's like somehow I feel like I don't have to be accountable for my actions because what he did was so much worse.
Whaooooooo.........Who just said that???
Well, that my friends is a little recovery showing through. I used to be so busy being upset and angry and making it all about me, I never really got the chance to take a look at my actions. I couldn't see my actions because I was so busy taking everything so personally, I was too upset to see anything rationally.
I can't believe I'm actually feeling grateful....but when I experience growth, from not doing anything but showing up, helping others, and staying out of my own way, it restores my faith in the process and further proves that trusting god to guide me, even when things don't make sense, leads me down a path to greater self awareness, growth, and calm.
Good-night and thanks for being here
Well, it's almost 2 am here. It's been quite a night. I'm still Ok but I acted out a bit tonight. I think I somehow get a license to treat my husband badly when he uses. It's like somehow I feel like I don't have to be accountable for my actions because what he did was so much worse.
Whaooooooo.........Who just said that???
Well, that my friends is a little recovery showing through. I used to be so busy being upset and angry and making it all about me, I never really got the chance to take a look at my actions. I couldn't see my actions because I was so busy taking everything so personally, I was too upset to see anything rationally.
I can't believe I'm actually feeling grateful....but when I experience growth, from not doing anything but showing up, helping others, and staying out of my own way, it restores my faith in the process and further proves that trusting god to guide me, even when things don't make sense, leads me down a path to greater self awareness, growth, and calm.
Good-night and thanks for being here
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Searching,
I am sorry to hear about the relapse, but rejoice with the others in your obvious growth in recovery. You've come a long way, BABY! (imagine you're too young to remember that one... but it still fits.)
I feel like I have been gone forever, and I have missed out on some great experience, strength and hope stories. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'll be here most of the day reading and catching up... hope to hear more about you!
HUGS
Osier59
I am sorry to hear about the relapse, but rejoice with the others in your obvious growth in recovery. You've come a long way, BABY! (imagine you're too young to remember that one... but it still fits.)
I feel like I have been gone forever, and I have missed out on some great experience, strength and hope stories. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'll be here most of the day reading and catching up... hope to hear more about you!
HUGS
Osier59
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
**********{Searching}}}}}}
I'm sorry I am late, just saw your post.
How are you doing today?
I wish I could haul the survival kit & dammit dolls over to you personally & give you a Huge Hug!
Your recovery is showing & you know we are here for you!
I have to run to the school & fight with the principal or someone....seems some girl just punched my daughter in the head twice. I don't think the dammit doll is going to do a damm thing for my anger right now.
****{hugs}}}
I'm sorry I am late, just saw your post.
How are you doing today?
I wish I could haul the survival kit & dammit dolls over to you personally & give you a Huge Hug!
Your recovery is showing & you know we are here for you!
I have to run to the school & fight with the principal or someone....seems some girl just punched my daughter in the head twice. I don't think the dammit doll is going to do a damm thing for my anger right now.
****{hugs}}}
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi searching
sorry for the way things are right now
was watching your flower bloom
mezmerizingly and thought" thats
searchin'" dont know you but saw
your recovery bloomin through !
its encouraging to me the 8th month in
alanoner that i am.
learning how even in the midst we
have something we didnt have before-
at least for me, a better relationship
with my HP, that being #1, working the program
and reading the books and trying to
practice the principles in all my affairs.
You helped me today searching
I hope today (each one is) ! is good to you..
love
liddy
sorry for the way things are right now
was watching your flower bloom
mezmerizingly and thought" thats
searchin'" dont know you but saw
your recovery bloomin through !
its encouraging to me the 8th month in
alanoner that i am.
learning how even in the midst we
have something we didnt have before-
at least for me, a better relationship
with my HP, that being #1, working the program
and reading the books and trying to
practice the principles in all my affairs.
You helped me today searching
I hope today (each one is) ! is good to you..
love
liddy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Searching,
Seems I'm a bit late too with my hugs, but hey, here's one anyway!!! (((((((((((((( SEARCHING))))))))))))))!
I just want you to know I understand about the disapointment and disgust, etc. But ONE THING I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW is that through your posts, you are ministering to others of us on here. Yep, Searching, you can act out (just like all of us do from time to time) but as you pointed out, you recognized it, analyzed it and will grow from it. You, my dear gal, are making progress.
Wanna come sit by me so maybe it will rub off?...
You hang in there, gal. You....WE....will make it.
Seems I'm a bit late too with my hugs, but hey, here's one anyway!!! (((((((((((((( SEARCHING))))))))))))))!
I just want you to know I understand about the disapointment and disgust, etc. But ONE THING I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW is that through your posts, you are ministering to others of us on here. Yep, Searching, you can act out (just like all of us do from time to time) but as you pointed out, you recognized it, analyzed it and will grow from it. You, my dear gal, are making progress.
Wanna come sit by me so maybe it will rub off?...
You hang in there, gal. You....WE....will make it.
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