TomsGirl

No, not by my husband, not to worry! But by members of his family, his brothers. Quick background: My husband is one of 5, one girl - the oldest of the bunch (the worlds first only child w/4 brothers as far as her parents are concerned) and 4 boys with my husband being the oldest boy. Growing up the boys were basically left to him to mind as his mother only had eyes and time for her daughter. I know my husband raised his youngest brother. Anyway, growing up they were very close and my husband provided a lot of emotional support to them. He even left college in Mass and transfered to the Uni of Minnesota when his father was transfered back there as his parents said his brother's were upset by the move and they needed him. Then when the boys were "fine" his parents basically told him to get lost and move out. His drinking started after that by the way.

My husband has saved letters he's received from his brother's over the years and I read them all awhile ago. The letters are proof to me that he was there for his brothers. As a matter of fact, one of his brother's was shunned, so to speak, by his parents for almost 10 years because he and his wife did something that pissed of the "princess" (my husband's sister). Everyone else in the family joined the shunning except my husband. He even had that brother as his bestman at his wedding yet that brother wasn't invited to any of his other siblings' weddings. So you get the picture.

Well last week I wrote a letter to his three brother's telling them about what's happened with Tom, how they had been so close, how he supported them, and so on. I asked them if they could and would like to contact him just to throw a little brotherly love and encouragement his way. My husband by the way has cut off all contact with his parents. Their totally heartless behavior after his suicide attempt in 2004 was the last straw.

Well, I have yet to hear from any of them. Not even an "F-you". He did say a while back he'll probably never hear from any of his brothers since he turned away from his parents and he's sure his father is threatening to remove them from the will if they have anything to do with him. So, he already felt abandoned and since I haven't heard anything it's breaking my heart that it looks like he's right. I will never, ever tell my husband about the letters I wrote as it would truly break his heart. That's one secret I'll carry to my grave. And you wouldn't mind but the brother that was shunned, he at one time was a coke addict so it's not like he can't relate to my husband and what he's going through. When the whole family turned their back on his brother, even their uncle the priest, my husband defied the "beasts" and refused to follow suit.

Sorry this is so long but I just can't imagine turning your back on your blood when they really need you. And they are all such "holier than thou" Catholics yet to me they are not Christians at all. Wish I could be a fly on the wall when it's their turn to go to the "other side".

Ok, vent over but my heart will take quite a while to heal.

Done_With_It

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I can relate, I have a screwed up family like that. All I can say is I'm sorry and sometimes you create your own family. Most of my closest friends are more family to me than my own.
I am so glad you are there for him right now.

Seeking Wisdom

So sorry to hear about your situation. I can totally relate to the hurt of cold uncaring unsupportive in-laws . My husband has 2 brothers and a divorced mom and dad. When my husband had a long series of health problems and finally ended up in the hospital last summer, it left us financially devastated. The saddest part is the potential problems this could cause for our high school kids that don't need to be uprooted out of their home at this point in their lives because we are forced to move. We have no family that live nearby to help or talk to ..and I was left completely alone take care of my husband, hold together 2 businesses, work very long hours and take of our kids. His family knew I was so overwhelmed dealing with his drinking problems, health problems, financial problems and having to work 7 days a week - and facing the possibility of losing everything we spent our lives working very hard for. My husband reluctantly asked his mom for a loan - not a hand out, until we could refinance our home ... something that he had never asked for before ... money she had already set aside in her will for him ... she refused and told him that his brothers told her not to lend him or his family any money .. while all the time prior pretending to care about what was happening to her son's family. During one of the worst periods of our lives, not a single member of his family contacted us. The kids and I were helpless victims of this insanity and had never done anything to offend them ... and we could have been living on the street and no one from his family even called to find out how we were doing for months .... they didn't even know whether we could afford to eat and keep a roof over our heads ... and this betrayal from a Grandma having professed for years to care so much for her grandkids.

Even though I do not condone much of what my husband has done .... both my husband and I stand firm in that we find his family turning against us and ignoring the needs of our kids when we needed it the most ... and the only time in our lives we asked for help ... to be beyond belief ...and as a result, we now have detached from a family that had done nothing but hurt us and turned their backs on our entire family.

minnie

And people still wonder where the emotional void comes from that sets the addiction train running.......

(((TomsGirl))) Unfortunately, some families just don't step up to the plate when required. My Dad's side of the family are not dissimilar and I am eternally grateful that he actively chose to break the chain (although perhaps the pendulum has swung too far the other way on occasion.) I think that some families need one member to be the scapegoat - I can't tell you how many times I have heard in open AA meetings that the alcoholic was the black sheep from being a young child. My dad was cast in that role, but he became very ambitious and buried himself in work - also a form of escape.

Abandonment and rejection are funny beasts. When it is a strong feature in childhood, people tend to elicit the same as adults. Or do the abandoning and rejecting first before it gets done to them.

mallowcup

You can't fix the past and maybe you shouldn't be looking for answers back there either. I prefer to look forward. Your guy shouldn't be reminded of them, his recovery may be in emanipating himself from them. His brothers may not be heartless, they may be incapable. This is news to you but not to him. You may find it hard to believe that blood could forget blood, but it happens everyday a thousand times. The life you build together can be whatever you decide. He needs encouragement to make peace with himself, looking back feeling good about his contribution to his sibblings. Now, they are adults and he needs to move on to his own life. It would have been lovely if you had received three letters back. If your guy knew you had sent them , he would have told you there would be no response. It is difficult but not impossible to "give up the wish". You won't change those people. You won't change the past. I would look forward and talk forward. Those people hurt him but he loves them and doesn't want them bashed. Make a new life.

TomsGirl

Thanks everyone and your responses all hit the mark. I won't tell him I sent the letters as that would just confirm the abandonment he already suspects. No need to twist the knife they've already stuck in his back. He's certainly not alone. My family (even with their foibles) sticks together and he's always appreciated that my family doesn't leave. My mother was shocked and ourtraged when I relayed the story of his parents shunning his brother. I don't think his brothers want to ignore him but for some reason their father has some sort of control over them. He's getting old and I hope once he's gone perhaps things will change.

Yes, some sucky things going on in my husband's life are due to no one else's fault but his own. But this, I was just asking them to show him their love and encouragement like he's shown and given to them when they needed it. Even the poorest of the poor can and do give that to their loved ones. Oh well, I'm a firm believer in the saying "What goes around, comes around". His addiction and it's effects has caused me much heartache but I have never doubted that there was a genuine goodness in his heart and that one belief I have about him I know is one thing that has brought me back when I've just wanted to give up with him.

Thanks again everyone!

BigSis

In my experience, addiction seldom pops up out of the blue - sometimes it does, but not often. I hear all the time around the tables AA and Alanon members who have finally figured out that there was active alcoholism all over the family, but hidden by that deep-seated need to "look good on the outside". Interesting that another brother has also had addiction issues.

My parents were only able to parent me using the tools they inherited from their sick parents. They did the best the could with the skills they had. Knowing that does not absolve them of a responsibility to be good and decent people, but helps me understand when they were too weak to be able to be what I consider good parents.

One thing I've noticed around the Anon tables, including me... I tend to think in "black and white" ... "either/or"... "good/bad". I've lost some of that judgemental thinking since I've been in Alanon, but it isn't something that goes away overnight, and I only even became "aware" of it during step work. Sometimes, I look at sick families and try to remember how judgemental I have been....how controlling. I know my judgements are born in my own fears of feeling "less than" ... of being "not good enough". Sometimes, I can be empathetic enough to see this fear manifesting itself in others... sometimes I can't.

I hope your Tom can find sobriety and recovery.

Do you do any 12-step meetings for yourself? I have found it brings me a lot of peace - especially when I deal with earthlings who really are clueless about addiction.

laurie6781

As BigSis said my parents too could only work with what they had been raised with. In other words my sister and I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I became the alcoholic, she 11 years younger become the over achiever. It was not until I, in sobriety had finally made peace of sorts with my parents that she and I started to build a relationship.

Today with both parents now on the other side. my sister and I have a very good relationship. She too has spent years in therapy for different issues, thankfully none of them were her own alcoholism, just dad's and mine.

Your husband is lucky to have a caring and loving wife who is willing to work on herself in order to be one of his supports.

You know, whether you believe in God, the Great Spirit, Mother Nature or some other Higher Power, I believe yours was working in your life overtime. This experience gave you an incredible insight into some of the deep inner demons your hubby is enduring.

Thank you for posting this, it not only helps you vent but shows others how we can grow and change.

A big "thumbs up" to you TomsGirl.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

Love and (((((to all))))),

TomsGirl

Thanks again everyone, you have no idea (well, maybe you do!) how much your encouraging responses mean to me! And that's what makes this so tragic. Except for what we share on this board you guys are really strangers to me yet my husband's blood relatives, who have known him all his life, won't give him the time of day. Oh well, we'll acknowlege what is so sad but move on and gravitate towards those we know have our back. His families loss, not ours.

My HP is God and my departed Dad. My father was always good to me when he was alive, always loving. He always called me "Sweetheart". But he has done more for me since his death than he did in life. It was my mother I would turn too for support moreso than him but since he's died I know he has always been there when I asked him to be and there when I really needed him, even when I didn't realize that I needed him.

Done_With_It

BTW~ This is so off topic, but IS THAT YOUR YORKIE???

TOO CUTE..... I'm a yorkie girl, tried and true..... I have a

3 pder. who is my world!

TomsGirl

Yes Done With It, that's my Yorkie "Babealou". I love that little devil to death!

Gabe

TG...a big from me to you.
As usual, I agree with Minnie.
Abandonment and rejection are funny beasts.
Yes indeedy.

Done_With_It

Don't you think there should be a "Yorkie National Holiday"...

They are just so amazing.......... lol, I just love them.

equus

I'm so sorry TG. As someone who often gets a let down from their family all I can say is that being at peace with it is possible. D has a lovely family and they feel like family to me now too.

I hope it meets the best resolve it can for him in the future. Perhaps remind him that the care he took can never go to waste, it's done and loving care some how always lingers somewhere - it will be there inside his brothers even if right now they don't know it.

guyinNC

Im so sorry. How can a family be so cruel. Life is so short....and all we have is each other.

TomsGirl

Thanks again everyone. It's just sucks is all. His daughter has turned her back on him, back in 2001 and not because of the drink but thanks to her mother. You DON'T use your child as a weapon no matter what your feelings are about your ex-spouse. JMO as my ex was and is no angel. And now his brothers. Oh well, nothing that we can change. Like I said, I'll just keep it all to myself. There's lots of love for him on this side of the fence. He's not unloved.

CatsTail

TomsGirl,

Everyone has their own way of looking at things. It's best not to have expectations of family as they don't always do the "family" thing.

There are lots of politics that go on in families.

Ngaire