BlueMoon

Please bear with me - I need to vent some of this utter confusion and pain -
This story started 9 months ago ---> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uff-57154.html <--- when I turned in my ABrother for drug manufacturing and internet child porn.

He's in another state - I turned him in to his local police, sheriff as well as the FBI.
I never heard from any of the agencies and nothing ever happened.
But I was *OK* with that because I felt that MY responsibility was to *tell* - and then it was up to the authorities. I put it behind me, feeling that I had done the best I could. I didn't feel good about the situation, but I felt at peace with MY part in it.

In talking to another family member yesterday, I found out that AB's lab is still in full production. I feel it's safe to assume the child porn part is still ongoing as well. Addictions don't just *stop*

I stayed calm on the phone, didn't really say a word about it. In fact, I think I went into a black-out of sorts.

When I got off the phone, I got online, found the contact people for the various agencies again - and reported AB - again.

Since then, I have talked to the FBI - a mind-blowing experience let me tell you!
I have received email from the local Sheriff.

THIS TIME, something might happen.

I am NOT doubting my motives, actions, or intent. But I am in one heckuvan anxiety spin.

I am angry that it "has to be" ME to do this.
Other family members know what AB has been up to.
Why am *I* the only one who feels IT IS THAT WRONG! (Rhetorical question)

If/WHEN he's busted - the fallout will land squarely on ME.

I'm OK with that.
But I'm still angry, hurt and just plain scared.

I just need someplace to vent all of that.
Thanks for listening.

elizabeth1979

I personally commend your actions. If there was no one in danger, I would not agree. But clearly there are children being exploited and in harms way.

Good for you. Sounds like the rest of the family are enablers. I am proud of your actions Blue!

splendra

((((Blue Moon))))

Justme57

((((((( Blue)))))) I dont usually post over here, but was compelled to read your previous posts, and now this one

All I can say is that you are one wonderful and brave lady . I cannot imagine the pressure you must have been under.

Congrats for staying true to yourself.

HUGX
Lee

EndOfRoadWife

You did what you needed to do...You did the right thing..You need to protect the children out there.....Thank God there's people like you...

cwohio

wow - ((blue moon))

gelfling

What you did puts you right on top of my "amazing women" list. Makes me wonder how anyone can stand back, knowing what's going on and not do something to protect people who utilize these labs and the poor innocents on the sites. That rips my heart out. And we have sat back in the past and wondered if we should call the cops when we know they're on the road drunk.

Girl...no negative feedback from here. Just pats on the back and big big hugs.

Love and blessings to you for your courage. We'll be here if you need support if this things blows up. Maybe the cops and feds can do this thing without bringing you into the picture. Ask them. I get from your post that no one knows what you did.

BlueMoon

Thank you all - - - -

I'm REALLY not looking for 'pats on the back' - tho they're appreciated -

Just having a hard time understanding my feelings right now I guess.
I made the decision MONTHS ago, so actually following thru and reporting again was just soooo easy. Maybe that's what upsets me on some level?? The good old "Don't Tattle" mentality.

I've never understood WHY "doing the right thing" hurts so friggin' much sometimes.
That goes for everything from this current crap to leaving my AH - - -

It's NOT that I want a parade and pats on the back and that I want "everyone" to think I'm a super cool person.
But - WHY does it HURT to follow your heart/soul/gut and DO THE RIGHT THING?!?!?!?

I am "at peace" with my actions. NO regrets or self-doubt.
But damn - I'm in the midst of a massive anxiety attack that even has ME amazed. **geesh**

My actions have the potential to cause some real pain to people that I love.

NO! *I* did nothing wrong. NOTHING.
It is *AB's* actions that did it.

OMFG - do you KNOW what 'they' do to people like him in prison!?!?!?
AND IT'S *MY* FAULT!!! That's where I'm trying to send my BABY BROTHER!!! I KNOW how SENSITIVE he is - - - - - blahblahblah

When I say it "out loud", I can hear how nonsensical it is.

I can do this.
I AM doing this.

It's the little bitty incest survivor in me that's scared to death.
It's for *her* that I will bust his butt for drugs as a way to stop his part in the porn.

It's for my best friend who died 13yrs ago of an overdose.
It's for all those I've lost - to alcohol AND drugs - since I got into the program 13.5yrs ago. I stopped couting when the total hit 20 - when I was 5yrs sover.

This is FOR me.
It is NOT AGAINST anyone.

*THERE*
I think that's what I needed to hear myself say.
THIS IS FOR ME.

Thank you all for letting me ramble. I'm sure there'll be alot more before it's over.

Blessings,

gelfling

He's not a baby anymore and knows what he doing. Think of the kids he's dealing drugs to and think of the young children who may be saved a life of physical and psychological pain. The same stuff you're going through now. You're the invisible guardian angel.

We're here for you.

Zoey

Took guts girl. I'd be full of anxiety also, but I too would be filled with extreme anxiety also. That blood thicker than water saying has truth. So you have more emotions than just a friend or neighbor. Just should not be so gut wrenching to do the right thing. BIG BIG HUGS

PS.. Do you belong to a survivor group or can you find one, that would perhaps help????

BlueMoon

**sad smile**

yeah, I belong to a survivor group - and *yes* that is also helping me through this - and figure out some of this whirl-wind of emotions and reactions.

This is hitting me on SO many different levels - it's mind-boggling -

What feels strange too, is being able to "step back" and just kinda observe - mostly *myself*, but everyone else too -

i dunno - feels like *this time* i'm not just "going with the flow" - - i'm swimming upstream - - -
and that's against everything i've been "taught", it's against everything my family "believes".

ahhhh - and that's part of why this is so dammed hard isn't it? **wince**

i've never been in the midst of such a massive anxiety attack and felt this *happy* and *serene* at the same time - it's verrrrrrrrrrrry odd

mythreesons

(((BlueMoon))) I am with Gelfling on this you are an AMAZING WOMAN! I hope you feel better soon. Please do something nice and relaxing for yourself.

mushroom

You feel bad about doing the right thing because you broke the unwritten family law of never ever telling anyone what really goes on in your family. No dysfunctional family can continue without unquestioned and complete obedience to the Never Tell law. Telling Someone uncovers the fallacy that there's nothing wrong going on here. Especially where incest is involved, the Never Tell law is even more strictly enforced. You're angry and scared because you're alone in seeing the reality of the situation, and the others will try to punish you for breaking up their little fantasy world.

You know you did the right thing.

No, their actions are the ones that will cause the pain! they did it to themselves. All you're doing is putting a stop to it, before more people are hurt.

Can you really love people who manufacture drugs? or deal in porn? I couldn't. I would refuse to.

BlueMoon

"No, their actions are the ones that will cause the pain! they did it to themselves. All you're doing is putting a stop to it, before more people are hurt."

**sighs**

Thank you for getting me back on track with that one.
*Usually* I can 'catch myself' when I'm thinking that one - usually -

Thinking that "I am in control - of everything" is prob'ly the oldest "rule" I know. Comes from being the oldest kid - "I should know better - - - " etc etc etc.

Surprisingly, I'm not feeling bad/guilty/whatever with regards to my AB.
It's harder for the child in me to not feel bad for the hurt it's gonna cause my mom.
(sad smile)
That "Don't Tell" rule is dammed powerful isn't it???
I know it's been passed from generation to generation and dammit, it stops with this one.
Everything from the basic "Don't tell anyone about daddy walking home drunk cuz he lost his car last night."
to everything else.

I wish/hope/pray that something happens this time around.

mallowcup

Child porn involves children that you are saving. You are the voice they don't have. The lab effects every family of a user. I think your sympathies and loyalties are correct. As far as your relatives, be glad you are you, if you understood them, you'd be like them.

BlueMoon

"... if you understood them, you'd be like them."

maybe - what is causing me pain is that i do understand them - and - - -

- - - "The Rules" - - -
Don't tell
mustn't let ANYone know OUR family does ____________.
must ALWAYS let others know "WE" are better than them.
because we ARE "better than", our "little indiscretions" should always be over-looked - - we are ENTITLED to them.

Our drinking, drug, ETC problems just are NOT THAT BAD - we are white-collar, upper management with tons of authority and importance. We live in expensive houses/apartments and people are envious of us and the cars we drive.

We ARE Special.


I think it's BECAUSE I DO "understand them" that I no longer want to BE like them.
The more I understand where i 'came from',
the more i understand where i am now - and why -
the more i understand where i am going - and WHY -


There's a line in "The Velveteen Rabbit", where the stuffed bunny asks the real rabbit "Does it hurt to be *real*??"
The real rabbit replies "Sometimes it does. But it is always, always worth it."

Whatever painful things I am walking thru right now - it will be worth it - someday I'll be real too.