I'm a doormat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Eastern Washington/ Arizona
Posts: 24
I'm a doormat
Anyone who doesn't know my story can go to my tale about my daughter.
Well I deserve to be hit. I did it again.
They called tonite, last nite in the motel I paid for, and they begged for me to extend their time.
Promised that they are filling out paperwork to get an apt and that my daughter is going back to work.
So I fell for it. Each time I say it is the last time.
How do I break this cycle. I know its wrong and I keep saying if it wasn't for the grandkids I wouldn't do it, but would I????
Well I deserve to be hit. I did it again.
They called tonite, last nite in the motel I paid for, and they begged for me to extend their time.
Promised that they are filling out paperwork to get an apt and that my daughter is going back to work.
So I fell for it. Each time I say it is the last time.
How do I break this cycle. I know its wrong and I keep saying if it wasn't for the grandkids I wouldn't do it, but would I????
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
the grandkids
I know you are a good person. But its not about the grandkids. Its about your need and your role as rescuer-enabler. I did it myself and it wont help because these things cant be fixed. The pain of changing your role is too much for you to bear, its easier to keep the wheel spinning on another crisis.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Distraught.
Stand in front of a mirror. Relax your face. Open your mouth slightly and place your tongue against your teeth. Phonate "NNNNNNNN". Good. Now round your lips and relax your tongue. Phonate "OOOOOOO". Good. Now one right after the other. NNNNNOOOOOO. Faster. NO. Rapid succesion. NO NO NO NO NO!
You have a habit you're breaking. You're used to behaving a certain way and sometimes you have to MAKE yourself change the pattern. Sometimes the person you have to say no to is you.
Now move over a little. I need to share the mirror.
Hugs,
Smoke
Stand in front of a mirror. Relax your face. Open your mouth slightly and place your tongue against your teeth. Phonate "NNNNNNNN". Good. Now round your lips and relax your tongue. Phonate "OOOOOOO". Good. Now one right after the other. NNNNNOOOOOO. Faster. NO. Rapid succesion. NO NO NO NO NO!
You have a habit you're breaking. You're used to behaving a certain way and sometimes you have to MAKE yourself change the pattern. Sometimes the person you have to say no to is you.
Now move over a little. I need to share the mirror.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Wyandotte, Mi
Posts: 42
I have these doormat issues as well. Not just with my husband, but with Everyone! I even have trouble telling a 9 year old, "When you come in, you need to use the front door, not the back" I mean, how pathetic is that???
Within the last month I'm Finally, FINALLY getting a bit better. I can Finally put my foot down, even if I put it down softly, toe first. I'm trying to get away from justifying every move I make, to myself, and to others. They generally don't care, and I knew myself well enough not to believe my excuses
Smoke nailed it. Sometimes that simple, (completely Giant) word no is all it takes. Good luck to you!
Within the last month I'm Finally, FINALLY getting a bit better. I can Finally put my foot down, even if I put it down softly, toe first. I'm trying to get away from justifying every move I make, to myself, and to others. They generally don't care, and I knew myself well enough not to believe my excuses
Smoke nailed it. Sometimes that simple, (completely Giant) word no is all it takes. Good luck to you!
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Distraught,
Don't beat yourself up.
I just paid a 100.00 gas bill that would
be shut off Friday. I did it for the
grandkids. I don't know, I can't imagine
my grandkids without heat or warm water,
or gas for cooking.
But then maybe my daughter-in-law and
my son would get off their beehinds and find a JOB?
LOL Smoke, you two move over just a little, I need some practice.
Hugs,
Don't beat yourself up.
I just paid a 100.00 gas bill that would
be shut off Friday. I did it for the
grandkids. I don't know, I can't imagine
my grandkids without heat or warm water,
or gas for cooking.
But then maybe my daughter-in-law and
my son would get off their beehinds and find a JOB?
LOL Smoke, you two move over just a little, I need some practice.
Hugs,
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Distraught
You probably did do it for the grandkids, and if they weren't involved you may or not have done it. But we all seem to think of the precious little ones involved when dealing with situations like this.
My sister has her son and his family staying in her one bedroom apartment (they are a family of 6 - 4 children involved). She is loosing her mind but she says her grandchildren will not be out on the street. Not sure what will happen when the apartment complex gets wind of it but we shall see when the time comes.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Next time you know to try to say no. I am sure it gets easier with practice. I am learning too
You take care.
Many hugs.
Debbie
You probably did do it for the grandkids, and if they weren't involved you may or not have done it. But we all seem to think of the precious little ones involved when dealing with situations like this.
My sister has her son and his family staying in her one bedroom apartment (they are a family of 6 - 4 children involved). She is loosing her mind but she says her grandchildren will not be out on the street. Not sure what will happen when the apartment complex gets wind of it but we shall see when the time comes.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Next time you know to try to say no. I am sure it gets easier with practice. I am learning too
You take care.
Many hugs.
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
HI Everybody
Like I have said over and over everytime we bail out, pay bills, send money we free up the addict to spend the money they do have on drugs.
That said I too have done my share of rescuing. It is a hard lesson to learn but with coming to the boards, reading the literature and getting support we can learn different healthy behaviors.
Openseason is right. .we just continue the hurting process when we help.. .but it is a journey for us too. We have to get sick and tired enough also.
Josie. .I don't give my son-in-law anything. I do buy my grandkids toys and clothes but all labels/tags are removed so he can't return the merchandise for cash.. He has been staying with his new girlfriend and her Christian family for several months and still is not working. .they will get the message sooner or later. .but hands off for me.. .I won't clue them in. .It is none of my business.
I love that Smoke standing in front of the mirror and saying no. .move over so I can join in too. .I am still getting better a day at a time.
Blessings . . Mo
Like I have said over and over everytime we bail out, pay bills, send money we free up the addict to spend the money they do have on drugs.
That said I too have done my share of rescuing. It is a hard lesson to learn but with coming to the boards, reading the literature and getting support we can learn different healthy behaviors.
Openseason is right. .we just continue the hurting process when we help.. .but it is a journey for us too. We have to get sick and tired enough also.
Josie. .I don't give my son-in-law anything. I do buy my grandkids toys and clothes but all labels/tags are removed so he can't return the merchandise for cash.. He has been staying with his new girlfriend and her Christian family for several months and still is not working. .they will get the message sooner or later. .but hands off for me.. .I won't clue them in. .It is none of my business.
I love that Smoke standing in front of the mirror and saying no. .move over so I can join in too. .I am still getting better a day at a time.
Blessings . . Mo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: whiting, nj
Posts: 7
door mat
"We help the most when we help the least."
I really like this quote and it is the truth.
My mother enabled me most of my life and I did not feel real love for her until I staqrted doing for her, visiting her, etc.
Well, now I'm going to give my adult children the best gift in life.....allowing them to honor their mother. I have been the one who has kept them from that commandment by allowing their disrespectful behavior. Now I must make ammends and the best waya to do that is to let go and let God and be honest with them in the future. Ask for what i want and what i need and celebrate the no, realizing that they are just not there yet and that there is nothing I can do to rush the process.
I have a wonderful song by the Marantha singers, aChristian music group. It goes like this, "In Hiis time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time, as He's ateaching me his way I am learning how to pray, God makes all things beautiful, in His time!"
I really like this quote and it is the truth.
My mother enabled me most of my life and I did not feel real love for her until I staqrted doing for her, visiting her, etc.
Well, now I'm going to give my adult children the best gift in life.....allowing them to honor their mother. I have been the one who has kept them from that commandment by allowing their disrespectful behavior. Now I must make ammends and the best waya to do that is to let go and let God and be honest with them in the future. Ask for what i want and what i need and celebrate the no, realizing that they are just not there yet and that there is nothing I can do to rush the process.
I have a wonderful song by the Marantha singers, aChristian music group. It goes like this, "In Hiis time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time, as He's ateaching me his way I am learning how to pray, God makes all things beautiful, in His time!"
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
hey, that used to be my line until Al-Anon, then low and behold my sponsor told me that no one could walk on me unless I was laying on the floor....LOL
Blessings and sunbeams
Blessings and sunbeams
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Central California
Posts: 8
To do or not to do..not even a question
My daughter just stopped at my door so I could say Hi to my grandson. (His request and mine too) This is on her way to a a 32 mile commute to childcare, then work and it's about 9 am. She "had to drop off (her boyfriend's kids) first" Poor little grandson guy. Obviously had been yelled at this morning.
I am sitting now in my fortress, repeating mantras, praying, steeling myself. I have been through this before.... a lot. But this is the first time with the child.
What's gonna happen now is she'll get some coolness at work for being late about 5 times in the past week. Then she'll start talking about what a rotten job it is...doesn't pay enuf, they're stupid, etc. Then she'll be late some more, then she'll take time off. Then she'll get fired or quit. She's too good for them anyway.
Then in the past, I would rush in, trying to patch it up, fix it, etc. Assumng she wants help. She has never had to ask.
I won't do it this time. It IS her life.
Over the weekend, I actually said she couldn't use my car for this lengthy commute anymore, she was gonna have to do something immediately about the expired smog compliance sticker on her own car.
So she did. With a lot of attitude, righteously indignant with me, she went to DMV and talked them into another 2 month extenstion.
I need my car. It's been raining here.
But I don't know how to watch my grandson suffer the consequences. He's only four years old.
I hope it's helpful to him just that I'm here and love him and tell him so.
PO'ed but trying,
sadgrandma
I am sitting now in my fortress, repeating mantras, praying, steeling myself. I have been through this before.... a lot. But this is the first time with the child.
What's gonna happen now is she'll get some coolness at work for being late about 5 times in the past week. Then she'll start talking about what a rotten job it is...doesn't pay enuf, they're stupid, etc. Then she'll be late some more, then she'll take time off. Then she'll get fired or quit. She's too good for them anyway.
Then in the past, I would rush in, trying to patch it up, fix it, etc. Assumng she wants help. She has never had to ask.
I won't do it this time. It IS her life.
Over the weekend, I actually said she couldn't use my car for this lengthy commute anymore, she was gonna have to do something immediately about the expired smog compliance sticker on her own car.
So she did. With a lot of attitude, righteously indignant with me, she went to DMV and talked them into another 2 month extenstion.
I need my car. It's been raining here.
But I don't know how to watch my grandson suffer the consequences. He's only four years old.
I hope it's helpful to him just that I'm here and love him and tell him so.
PO'ed but trying,
sadgrandma
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
sad grandma
Sad G.ma: I can understand excatly how you feel; been there done that for 14 years now....it is never easy to watch the wee ones come and go...
I relied on my sponsor and my High Power to get me though the Good-byes...My sponsor sent to the Al-Anon literature to a book called As We Understand page 100 0r 101 (my books on loan at the moment sorry) and I was reminded that they are God's kid first,last and always...That really help me to Let go and Let God because I know in my heart He can and will when I let Him...I also know :
Says easy and does hard.
So I have to practice, practice, practice..Take care of yourself...Love and prayers from someone who cares
I relied on my sponsor and my High Power to get me though the Good-byes...My sponsor sent to the Al-Anon literature to a book called As We Understand page 100 0r 101 (my books on loan at the moment sorry) and I was reminded that they are God's kid first,last and always...That really help me to Let go and Let God because I know in my heart He can and will when I let Him...I also know :
Says easy and does hard.
So I have to practice, practice, practice..Take care of yourself...Love and prayers from someone who cares
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Eastern Washington/ Arizona
Posts: 24
Sad Grandma
Been there, done that. Don't remember how many times my daughter lost friends, jobs , all kinds of things and it was always someone elses fault. Jobs disappeared because they were all against her, or the boss didn't like her----I could go on and on.
Well I'm looking every day in the mirror taking someones advice to practice saying no. If I lose my grandkids, so be it, maybe when they are older they will understand
I'm tired but practicing saying no seems to give me strength, hopefully enough strength to say no when she calls this week to say she needs an extension on the motel I rented for her. Now going on two weeks.
Maybe we can bolster each other, I know I need it.
Been there, done that. Don't remember how many times my daughter lost friends, jobs , all kinds of things and it was always someone elses fault. Jobs disappeared because they were all against her, or the boss didn't like her----I could go on and on.
Well I'm looking every day in the mirror taking someones advice to practice saying no. If I lose my grandkids, so be it, maybe when they are older they will understand
I'm tired but practicing saying no seems to give me strength, hopefully enough strength to say no when she calls this week to say she needs an extension on the motel I rented for her. Now going on two weeks.
Maybe we can bolster each other, I know I need it.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Knowing my grandchildren's conditions
has worn me out. I
wish I was in their lives more-I do see
them once a week. Like you Grandma, I
would like to think I have some type of
influence on them, and they know how
much I love them.
Last week I spent the night while their Mother went to a graduation out of town. I noticed a huge
change in my 13 and 8 year old grandsons- the last 4 years has finally
made a impact on them. They were not
allowed to be children, and they are
bitter, angry, and hateful now. I came
home so depressed, and did the should'a
would'a, could'a.
We just have to let go and trust God
is taking care of everything-especially
the children.
Daffodil I'll be looking for that book-
thanks!
Hugs,
has worn me out. I
wish I was in their lives more-I do see
them once a week. Like you Grandma, I
would like to think I have some type of
influence on them, and they know how
much I love them.
Last week I spent the night while their Mother went to a graduation out of town. I noticed a huge
change in my 13 and 8 year old grandsons- the last 4 years has finally
made a impact on them. They were not
allowed to be children, and they are
bitter, angry, and hateful now. I came
home so depressed, and did the should'a
would'a, could'a.
We just have to let go and trust God
is taking care of everything-especially
the children.
Daffodil I'll be looking for that book-
thanks!
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Eastern Washington/ Arizona
Posts: 24
Update from the front
Well had a long "miss you" card on the internet from daughter and grandkids.
Am I being pesimistic (can't spell it) or not......I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...."we need more motel money"
Isn't it surprising--this is the last day of their week in a motel and without me calling, they can't get an extension.
I shut off my cell phone and I wrote back on the internet and said it was good to hear from them and when I have a chance I'll send some new pictures of the dogs. Now is that cruel or not. I'm getting the message.
Hate to distrust so much, but after all, she hasn't earned my trust yet.
Am I being pesimistic (can't spell it) or not......I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...."we need more motel money"
Isn't it surprising--this is the last day of their week in a motel and without me calling, they can't get an extension.
I shut off my cell phone and I wrote back on the internet and said it was good to hear from them and when I have a chance I'll send some new pictures of the dogs. Now is that cruel or not. I'm getting the message.
Hate to distrust so much, but after all, she hasn't earned my trust yet.
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