katie6

Hi everyone, I'm new. I posted kind of an intro to myself in the nar-anon forum, and decided to see if I fit over here as well. I am the adult child of two functioning addicts. I am just now starting to admit that out loud. I have told people, but in different words. I guess I never felt like my life was that bad so I wasn't allowed to claim that my parents were addicts. Does that make sense?

I guess what i need help with right now is exploring this. I was up all night last night and unable to sleep becuase this was weighing so heavily on my mind. Sometimes it does, but other times I can go for a long time without thinking about it at all. I talked to my husband about it a little this morning before he left for work, but he just wasn't getting it. I don't think I was explaining it very well. One thing he asked me, that I still wonder about on my own, is why does this still bother me? I am happily married, college educated, in a master's program and living 5.5 hours away from the addicts in my life. So why does it still bother me?

They are still unreliable and unavailable sometimes, but it shouldn't bother me anymore since I am not theirs anymore, right?

Why does it still bother you? And how can I let it not bother me so much? Thanks for your help and advice in advance.

MrsZeus

Because they're your parents. That's why. Isn't that how the old story went? Because I'm the mommy....

At least in my case, NO ONE can lay guilt on me like my mother. She's got a trick where if you even tell a little of what upsets you, she'll turn it around and yell at you for trying to make HER feel guilty. Even though we're grown up and (for the most part) fully functioning adults, that can still mess with you. I'm trying to work through that now and seperate myself from her little manias so that I can focus on MY recovery. I'm 29 years old and I'm just now starting to realize that I'm NOT a little girl anymore and I don't need my mommy to approve of what I do. Nor do I need to feel crushed when she doesn't approve. I'm trying my hardest to take away the power she has to manipulate my feelings or to make me feel inferior.

She's had that power WAAAAAYYYY too long.

best

And you need to forgive them. Accept what was because it can't be changed. Yesterday is gone. Today is the day I live in.

I am grateful for the things I learned from them but I am not grateful for the way they showed me the things I learned.
If there was another way to learn the lessons, I would rather had that then learning them the hard way.
What I take away that is postive from it all is what I use for today.

katie6

Easier said than done.

brigid

I don't know if I have forgiven my parents for the things that weren't so great, but I have accepted that they are the ones who were really hurt by it in the end, even if they don't know that. They missed out on stuff just because they were not well, not happy, got more excited about their friends and drinking than picking me up from a choir festival, in which I was singing ... I sort of don't know if I have forgiven them, but it is their loss.

I just use what I realise as "not quite right", to help guide me with my kids now and I think that I want to be a different mother to mine and with my own grandkids in the future, I want to do stuff.

For me it is more complicated though because for a period of time I became the image of my alcoholic mother, so I have had penance to make to my children. Now that did help me realise that my parents were just human and that I was too. Their mistakes were theirs, mine are mine.

Maybe I haven't forgiven them but I have accepted them, warts and all, and I love them. I try to concentrate on the things they did for me now, rather than what I see as the things they didn't do or did badly.

love brigid

brigid

I forgot, something else I did ...

My mum was at a stage where whatever I did was not good enough (she may very well have been right) for her so she started snarling at me whenever I phoned. My family didn't support me when I got married the second time (that too may have been a good thing), no one came.

I decided to leave it, not to cause any angst over it at all and to take some photos to them and be pleasant and not to say anything at all nasty or to unveil their excuse for not coming as a lie.

My mum phoned me and when I answered she was astonished that I was happy to hear from her. I could hear that in her response to me. I have deliberately ignored any of her nastiness and fronted dad's anger without fear.

Well, mum is less nasty now and dad is less angry. I know a little of the "new" me has rubbed off onto them.

Don't let their sh*t affect you, just be more grown up than them and show them you are.

love brigid