Tally

Do ya ever sit and think "Why me"??? Why, after all the **** thats happened in the past, did I have to fall in love with an alcoholic.

Through coming here I've learnt alot about detatchment and co dependancy and to be quite frank it pisses me off!!!

Why, after my track record with crap men, does my soul mate turn out to be an alcoholic and an emotional f**kwit!

I ain't done many bad things in life...am I being tested?

I think I'm so strong dealing with things and then a silly ruddy song can have me in tears.....listen to "Israel Kamakawiwo`ole" version of "Somewhere over the rainbow"....for some silly reason it makes me weep....I just think about what could have been if the ABF wasn't the way he was.....so frustrating!

You think it is a test? I feel like it is sometimes...alot of the time I'm this |-| close to quitting...but I never do! Guess alot of us don't!

I don't deserve the manipulation, the blame, the guilt, the co-dependancy etc.....My head doesn't deserve to be THIS f**ked up!!!

Yeah, I'm angry today....nothing out of the ordinary has happened, same old moody crap to deal with, but I'm angry!!!!!

And the MOST frustrating part is we can talk until we're blue in the face and they ain't NEVER gonna get it!!!!!! What a waste of breath!

Actually feel like getting drunk myself and saying "to hell with the lot of ya".....anyone else get sick of being the sensible one??

meli2005

Yes, we all get tired of it and I think sometimes, like you do "is this a test?". Totally understand how you feel!!

mushroom

Boy am I sick of being the sensible, strong one. I told my AH, right up front, before we married that he would have to be strong to be my husband and he said he was up to it. Hah! liar. Then after one of his numerous crises in the emergency room he was being confronted with a list of the things he's done to make our marriage miserable and he said to me, 'Well it's ok, you're strong after all'. OOoh! the nerve! can you believe that??? As long as I could take it and stay upright he'd continue to dish it out. No more!

How do you know this guy's your soul mate? would your soul mate really be an emotional ? I don't think so!

I refuse to look on it all as a test. Who'd want to test us this way after all? some sadist. But man oh man I get so tired of going through the same crap over and over. Gotta resolve not to stay on the treadmill, find a way off.

You don't deserve it. But you have to stop doing it. It doesn't just go away on its own.

TomsGirl

I know how you feel. When I first met my husband I said my father sent him to me because he was everything that my first husband wasn't. Except for being an A of course but they were totally different A's at least. But I will admit there have been times when I have said to my father "Was this some kind of a sick joke? Hope you're enjoying it." And I've also wondered if I had some sort of sign on my back too that I can't see. lol But it probably all gets down to that I KNOW I was the type who would say "Don't worry, I can help you make it all better." And they responded back that they believed I could. And so the trap was set ... Yeah, it sucks.

Tally

Yeah, I know what ya mean...I get that line alot...."You have to take care of me..."..."you're the strong one..."...."You need to lead by example, if you can make changes maybe I'll see that I can too"...."I need you to be my inspiration..." ARGH!!

Why are we automatically the strong and responsible ones?!?!

I yearn for the day when I can say "F**K IT" to the housework, the bills, the kids, the pets, the money worries, the alcohol worries!!! Life COULD be so easy but we can't live that way....

So what if he doesn't care if the house is a mess...I care! I can't even have an unwinding drink anymore because theres always pressure from him to "drink faster" "catch up to his level"....I DON'T WANT TO!!

TomsGirl

I recall, in both of my marriages, when I have been angry and fed up either because of the drinking, lost jobs or jobs they just walked out on, going out and taking off whenever they felt like it, etc I would say "Geez, I wish I had a choice." But I really always did have a choice and I made the choice to be responsible, to provide for us so that our lives were decent, etc because all the worry and crap associated with being irresponsible (ie bill collectors, no food, lose your home, ect) did not interest me in the least. I could have taken off, quit my job, not cared about my son just as easily but I chose not too because I really and truly didn't want too.

Pick-a-name

yesssss!!!

AH told me recently; you'll be fine,you're strong. I told him yes, he's right; BUT I'm tired of being strong.

I am really tired of it today,too;tired in general. (I wish my mom was still alive; that would maybe feel a little better..but that isn't an option,either.)

You are right,though.......I don't want to let your kids down,too. They do not have any say in this.

bahookie

YES YES YES!

Last night I opted out of the world, I watched The Island, ate chocolate, drank chocolate and smelt of chocolate, even when I got up this morning. I even opted out of sitting upright!

It was a good feeling, but I think I'd get fed up with it after a while.

I'm trying to remember what my counsellor said.. there's nothing I HAVE to do, I do the things I do because it's my choice.

don't know if that made sense, I'm full of coffee.

J
xxx

Sophia57

Ditto ditto ditto!

I get sick to the back teeth of ALWAYS being the one to look after the practical stuff and sort out life's crises and his mess-ups. The response I get when I grumble is that I'm good at that sort of thing so I must like it. Well, I don't. I get stressed taking on responsibility for everything. If he does something responsible for us without prompting or constant reminding then I'm expected to lavish praise on him.
Aargh...
I agree with what was said above...I think all my life I've had a big sign stuck on my back saying 'Don't worry, I'll sort it out'. It was a role handed to me in childhood that I chose to keep on because I felt comfortable and needed that way, and loved too I suppose. being myself wasn't enough, I had to earn love by making myself indispensible.
I'm trying to break the habit - sometimes I can and sometimes I'm there doing stuff before my feet touch the ground.
Oh yeah, and they don't need to be As either!
My RAH is 13 years sober and he's still avoiding responsibility and procrastinating.
So it's up to me to change - I'm with Jane - chocolate is the answer!!!
(and saying no)
Sophia
x

splendra

My answer is no I am not tired of being sensible. I love paying my bills on time and having food in my fridge....it gives me a really good feeling to know that these things are being taken care of.

I am tired of the drama and tired of my role in it so for now I am going to refuse to be a part of it...and it seems that alot more sun is shining in my life....

Gabe

Way to go Splen.

minnie

The Missus, there is so much I want to say about your post, but I am not sure that I have the right words. Please know that I am speaking from a place of love and compassion and also speaking as someone who has been where you are and expressed exactly the same thoughts.

Yes. And it was vital for me to understand it so that I could see my part on the situation, forgive myself and move beyond the hurt and pain. There was a reason I got together and stayed with someone who was emotionally unavailable and seemed to need fixing. Until I had some understanding of that, I was stuck in old patterns.

Track record? Me too. And I learned that the common denominator was not them, it was ME. Unhealthy me meets unhealthy man = unhealthy relationship. Healthy me meets unhealthy man = none starter. Healthy me + healthy man = every chance of success.

And what is your definition of a soulmate? I am puzzled how you reach the conclusion that this man is it.

Erm, how could it have been? He is who he is. My frustration ended the day I came to that realisation.

Quite. But nothing changes if nothing changes.

I hope you can find some peace with the situation. It's hard work, but believe me when I say it is possible.

minnie

Oh, and what Splen says. I like being sensible. I just choose to be sensible for ME, not to solve the messes that come from other people not being responsible.

elizabeth1979

Uh oh. Wheres my soapbox, I need to climb on it.

Its amazing how much clearer I can see things now.

Ive said that before Missus.
For me...nobody made me the designated driver of the finances, the drinking, the household, and least of all, his alcoholism. I designated myself for that role. I decided that if I put up with things that "I Dont Deserve", than I am 50% to blame. If I dont deserve it why do I put up with it? I did because deep down I felt like I was never going to find anything better and I was not worthy of a healthy relationship. Thats just crazy.


He is the way he is and nothing you can do will change him. Neither you nor I are powerful enough to control someone into being exactly who WE want them to be. Not to mention the fact that we have no right to dispose of someone's freewill and make them who they dont want to be. I am not lashing here, just think I ve said alot of things you expressed, and finally the lightbulb went on in my head. THIS IS CRAZY, I have NO Control over this!

ASpouse

Whenever I get that "why me? attitude" I bring myself right down to reality and as "WHY NOT ME?".

You can be the victim if you choose to, but only you can change the circumstances. So you will as "Why Me?" and I in turn will ask you "Why not you?" Let me know.

EndOfRoadWife

Yes, some days I do lie in bed and think "Why me? and what have I done to deserve this? or "Why did I fall in love with him?...Some days I'm better than others, but when I think about it, I'd rather be me than him...I am responsible, I got my head on straight, priorities straight..Thank God I am ME!!!!! WE gotta pick ourselves up and decide are we gonna be a victim or a Survivor!! WE can survive! I know it..WE may get down certain days and feel like that, but we just get right back up again I understand how you feel...

Miss Tennessee

I truly sympathize with TheMissus. I too have an AH who doesn't and will admit hedoesn't wantany responsibility. And he doesn't take any. His standard answer is "You know I'm not good at that." It's not a question of enabling I don't think. It's more survival. If I don't take the responsibility my own dignity, self esteem, reputation, self worth, etc. etc. will be in jeopardy. I can't and won't let my self become like him just to not "ENABLE" him.

minnie

Why do you all stay if you are taking most, if not all, of the responsibility? Just think, you could have the same level of responsibility, but much reduced aggro, if you were to separate, even temporarily. There must be a heck of a reason not to go for that option.

*edit* oops, that was my first response. But what I meant to say was
"Why did I stay for so long when I was taking most, if not all, of the responsibility? I then realised that I could have the same level of responsibility, but much reduced aggro if I left. There would have had to have been a heck of a reason not to go for that option. And I was right - apart from the level of responsibility. Seems that it takes even less time now I'm on my own."

bahookie

Hey Minnie
Sometimes there are big reasons not to just up and leave. It's been worth the wait for me - at last a long depression seems to be lifting and my home situation is improved beyond measure - in all ways.
I've reached out into the world, realised only me is responsible for me and my happiness and mostly managed to keep my head together.
My other half has been pretty ill and only now is able to start taking on some weight in the relationship.
I just get tired sometimes though, especially after a hard period at work and need a wee moan and a wee night off. Works wonders!

J
xxx
*replied to your first one!"

minnie

Jane, glad to hear it. And yes, I realise that I was a tad strident in my response and for that I apologise. Taking time to get some recovery under one's belt and see if that elicits some change, which is what you've done, is admirable and desirable, imho. I did the same and I am glad that I did as I can hold my head high and know that I did what I could to make it work.

(I left the first one in so as not to confuse anyone and to show that I am human too!)