Sugasnaps

Hey guys,

I'm an alcoholic... I'm also a daughter of alcoholics and a Grand-daughter of an alcoholic. My parents are divorced - Mom lives alone in KC the rest of her children live in Atlanta, Dallas and Bay area in California (me).

I am 57 days sober. In a month I will need to go to Mom's to take care of her as she will be having a knee surgery and requires someone to help her at home. She lives alone. I am the only child who's schedule allows the flexability to travel to her to help her out. I work from home so I can take my laptop with me and do what I do there. Sooo... I am the one.

I have a lot of apprehension about being there. She is a practicing alcoholic and although has had moments where she admits to it - she also has more moments when she "proves to herself" that she isn't cuz she didn't drink one night or for a week or whatever. She knows I am working hard at being a non-drinker and gives me all the nicey-nice words of support while at the same time the tone of her voice is... I don't know... fake. I know her and I know when she is sincere and when she is saying what she thinks is going to make her look good. I grew up in a household that only cared about what we looked like to others.

Anyway, it is something I do have to do and I guess some might say I don't have to do anything I don't want to do... but it is what it is and this is my situation I am faced with.

I don't even know what I am asking for from you guys really... I don't feel like I belong in this forum cuz I'm an alcoholic myself... I guess I just want to know I can do this for her and come out of it okay and with my sobriety intact. I know I can do it as the power of choice is solely mine. I don't talk to Mom much about my sobriety other than what she askes me about... which is usually the "well, are you still going to those AA meetings?" or "how many of those meetings do you go to anyway - you are never home when I call". ugh I just answer her truthfully and leave it at that and try not to let her bait me - which is one of her passtimes.

I guess what I really want to get some good advice on is what to do when she triggers my stress meter. I want to go and help her and somehow detach myself from it and not care when she makes her comments and starts trying to poke my buttons.

Maybe my HP will let me win the lottery between now and then so I can pay a full time nurse to be there to help her - and I could just go for happy smiley visits. oooh if it were that easy

Thank you for letting me ramble

Suga

gelfling

Is she financially comfortable where she could hire an aide to come in and help her during her recovery? Might solve all the problems!!!

Sugasnaps

Nope.

robina

Since you have been affected by alcoholism, you certainly belong here!

If I understand your situation, it sounds like you are entering a stressful situation that might be of some danger to your sobriety.

It sounds like you will not get any support from your mother since she is heavily invested in staying in her addiction. Remember, the fact that you are making positive changes forces her to look at her own addiction. That is uncomfortable for her. She would rather just be oblivious and drunk.

Perhaps your sponsor can give you some guidance and advice and a strong plan to follow as you enter this stressful situation.

If you really feel that this will be too great a danger for your sobriety, you need to perhaps find some alternative workable arrangement.

Nothing is more important than your sobriety.

laurie6781

As soon as you hit town, call the KC central office of AA, its listed in the phone book, and ask for some meetings near your Mom's house. Then when you get to a meeting get a meeting directory.

Use the meetings, vent in the meetings, ask for a "temporary sponsor" while you are in KC and use that sponsor.

I know you will be okay Suga, and you have your laptop so can post here or PM any of us.

By the way Suga, I know of many alkies, myself included that are "Double Winners" in both AA and Alanon.

You certainly do belong here!!!!!

Love and hugs,

gelfling

Laurie has it the nail on the head. If you insist on going, she's totally outlined a plan of action. Good goin' girl!!!

Cindi R

Many post op knees require extensive physical therapy to get patients back to their pre-functioning state.
There is a possibility that she would be able to go to another level of care either within the hospital or short term in a nursing home for like a few weeks to maximize her progress with continued physical therapy.
I'd be at the hospital before she's discharged to make sure that she's able to get around and able to do "most" of her own self cares before I agreed to go home with her! Like bathing, toileting and getting herself into and out of bed...
{I'm a nurse...and have worked with post op pt's. Sometimes families have no idea what they are getting themselves into in a situation like this. It could be far more than just fixing her meals and driving her to her Dr appointments!}

igfan

i tend to agree with Laurie........get a list of meetings in that area, that way you'll be able to get away if/when you start feeling stressed. Your mother sounds a lot like mine, except my mother doesn't know (at least i have not admitted to her) that i'm an alcoholic or that i attend meetings. I have a brother who is an alcoholic and i have seen from her dealings with him that she doesn't really understand the nature of the disease and what needs to be done to make yourself better. Anyway, get the meetings list, keep posting, take a walk, go to another room & read the "Big Book" (listen to me....practice what u preach Cheryl!). You'll be "aight"!

BlueMoon

2 thoughts -

1 - Make contact with the KC AA + Al-anon folks *now*. By email and phone - that way, when you get there, you'll already have connections and a support system. Ask *them* to call *you* while you're at your mom's. Make advance arrangements for meetings.

2 - Last October I was in a similar-feeling situation with my mom. I felt I needed to travel to be with her - I felt *I* was the only one who could help her thru a hard situation.
It was tearing me up. I've got a bit more sobriety than you, but it was eating me alive. She doesn't drink, but my 2 A-brothers live near her and I'd have been going into a viper's nest of codie/alcoholic/sick/twisted BS.

I happened upon a reading from Al-anon's Hope for Today (February 10) -

"The role I played for a long time in my family were those of caretaker and fixer. I was the nurturing mother my mom never had. It was my responsibility to care for her emotionally and often physically. I was an over-vigilant child, constantly on guard lest something awful should happen.

As I grew in Al-Anon, it became clear that my true responsibility was to care for myself. I began to see how my caretaking and controlling actually hurt others, possibly cheating them out of an opportunity to learn and grow. I decided to attempt detaching with love. For me detachment doesn't mean abandoning others. It means that I mind my own business and the I don't have all the answers or solutions.

It hasn't been easy for my family to accept the changes I've made. My new ways often are met with opposition and attempts at manipulation, even tears, to get me to resume my old role. In some cases my changes have inspired a new respect in the family relationships, a respect which allows more acceptance of each other, more freedom for each of us to be the individual that God intended.

Thought for the Day
It's not easy to change my role in my family. Some may want me to revert to the old me, but some will appreciate the new me. Today I'll do what I can to feel good about myself and the others take what they like and leave the rest.

"I can't be all things to all people, but I can be someone special to some people."
(From 'Survival to Recovery', p. 284)"
-----------------------


Today I know that I don't have to be the nurturing mother my mom never had.


Bright Blessings,
Blue

Pick-a-name

Glad you are here!............keep posting on that laptop while you are there.

Wishing you both good luck......and you, continued success!