sunshinebluesky

i wrote this thread yesterday,and it was such a good one,darn it.....somehow i lost what i wrote when it wouldnt post,so here i go again......the whole control thing of how we cant control others comes up so much in life. in my life anyhow. its something ive battled for years.i mean,it comes up not only with active addicts,but with family,friends,coworkers,geez even the people we deal with in public places. the things they say and do,that can irritate the heck out of us! i find myself wondering is it I,who brings on all my own stress when dealing with these people,only because I dont have any control over them? and full control of my reactions that i cant seem to get a grip on? and,am i overly controlling??? i think not.but in writing my thread yesterday i found that maybe i am passive aggressive,getting a meaning for it out of what i wrote. as i have never understood exactly what passive aggressive is. but i was writing that-since i am not overly controlling-i tend to go with the flow,till i cant take it anymore,and then my move is drastic. so is that passive aggressive???
the whole we cant control issue is so complex. seems when you finally do realize you cant control you have to let go.and that can hurt.then,it can bring guilt. but,once you get thru all the emotions---its such a liberating,freeing,peaceful feeling!!

LaTeeDa

Boy, can I relate to that. I have been controlling all my life. Oldest child, had to control my siblings. Always trying to control outcomes in relationships, life. This is a really tough thing for me, as well. I think it is a major cause of stress in my life--trying to control things I have no control over. I heard someone say once that you need to try and imagine two different "perimeters" around you. One is very close, what you might refer to as your personal space. The other encompasses a much larger area, other people, things even out of your sight at the moment, anything that affects you. Now try to remember that only the inner circle is under your control. Focus on what is not right in that closer area, and work on it. Forget about trying to control everything in the outer circle and your life will be less stressful and more enjoyable. And this was a conversation I had with someone about "work-related stress" and had nothing to do with addiction or codependence! I suspect many people struggle with this, whether they realize it or not.

Thanks for reminding me...................

sunshinebluesky

that mood gym website has that very same scenario on it!!! i need to study it!!

Cap3

You say that you go with the 'flow",till you can't take anymore.Boy can i relate.What i found out for myself is that i was going with the flow,and making judgements,little tolerance,not accepting,on the flow,.Alot of stuff was going on inside of me.And thats, why,i would get to the point that i couldnt take it anymore.My actions,not my thoughts were going with the flow,.Live and let live,,its a hard one,but not impossible when i change my thoughts.They seem to look a whole lot better,,lol..
You say,i who brings on all my own stress when dealing with these people...For me it was.When i took responsibility,for my thoughts/actions,working on my own issues,i changed.There is a gal,i know, who is self-rightous,closed-minded,believes she is always in the right.Even typing these judgements of her,i can feel antsy.So i change my thoughts,to,she is doing the very best that she knows how to,just like me.This change in thoughts just makes me feel better.Has she changed?No,i have,and thats what makes all the difference in the world...Step one..Step 2...And step 3...It takes time,to change thoughts/feeling about others.Its a process.Everytime i think in negitive terms of her,i change my thoughts,and pray for her.And i do this with the flow also.I decide what flow i want to be in with.Some flows ,i remove myself from .Making no judgements on it,just "deciding" that i want to go elsewheres..
Im not sure about passive/aggressive.For im naturally an easy going person.Some folks who like to control,the dominate,type{judgement..lol},see me as a target,and soon find out im not going to be controled,by them.Am i sending the wrong signals???..I dont know.Its not about them though,its about me.See when i look at myself,this i can do something about.But if i put it onto them,im lost,for i cannot control others...
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

LaTeeDa

For me (one of those dominant types mentioned ) it also goes hand in hand with patience. I am not a very patient person. I want what I want and I want it now! LOL

When I finally stopped denying he was an alcoholic and kicked my husband out, I wanted him to hit bottom and stop drinking--immediately. It took 2-1/2 months. (I know now, it might not have happened at all)

When I realized that part of my unhappiness is because I have to commute 35 miles each way to my job, I listed my house for sale. I wanted to move immediately. It's still for sale.

When I realized that I was just as sick as my A and needed help, I went to counselling. I wanted to fix it--now.

When my A stopped drinking, I wanted him to face the reality that there were other problems that still exist, even without the alcohol. He is only starting to think there may be other issues.

When I worried about my children having lived in an alcoholic family, I wanted something to say to them that would prevent them growing up a repeating the pattern.

Well, you get the picture. I am an action-oriented person. As soon as I realize there is a problem (which sometimes takes a while), I take action. The hardest thing for me to come to grips with is the idea that while I can control the action, I cannot control the outcome. Nor can I control the timing of the outcome. I constantly have to remind myself that whatever is meant to be, will be.........when it is meant to be. Many times each day I find myself plotting and planning and "what-if-ing" about the future. It is a struggle for me to remember to live in the present.

L