Visit with My Husband in Jail
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Visit with My Husband in Jail
Went to visit my husband. He's still in the county jail in max security, hasn't been transferred to rehab jail yet. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. As a matter of fact, my arrival caused a bit of a stir in his block. I guess it's been a long time since anyone who has resided in his block has had a visitor. Lots of hooting and hollering as he was walked through by the guards. I got the impression it really meant something to him. Like he wasn't as worthless as he might think he is.
But it was a good visit. I came prepared with tissues for lots of tears but the only tears were the ones I shead from laughing so hard. He told me about some of his experiences there and some of them were funny. He asked me about current events as he hasn't been exposed to any sort of news since he's been in and we talked a lot about the Red Sox and the off-season news.
He seemed in very good spirits, considering. No pity party, no "poor me" talk, no excuses, nothing of the sort. He seems to know full well why he's there and what the deal is for the place he's heading too. He knows his place in the "food chain" there and is behaving so I don't have to worry about him getting in trouble with the guards. The only thing I didn't like that he said was that he was told that in the rehab jail, if you behave and all that you can get your sentence cut in half. So he talked like he was pinning his hopes on only spending 3 1/2 months there. I told him that I wasn't sitting there hoping for anything. I'm preparing myself for 7 months and if he gets out earlier well then surprise, surprise. I just told him I hope he takes advantage of every minute he's there. And I can't wait until he can shave! Ugh! My husband sure looks like crap with a beard! lol Ok, he can keep the mustache. I like him with that.
Today was a good day! Amen!
But it was a good visit. I came prepared with tissues for lots of tears but the only tears were the ones I shead from laughing so hard. He told me about some of his experiences there and some of them were funny. He asked me about current events as he hasn't been exposed to any sort of news since he's been in and we talked a lot about the Red Sox and the off-season news.
He seemed in very good spirits, considering. No pity party, no "poor me" talk, no excuses, nothing of the sort. He seems to know full well why he's there and what the deal is for the place he's heading too. He knows his place in the "food chain" there and is behaving so I don't have to worry about him getting in trouble with the guards. The only thing I didn't like that he said was that he was told that in the rehab jail, if you behave and all that you can get your sentence cut in half. So he talked like he was pinning his hopes on only spending 3 1/2 months there. I told him that I wasn't sitting there hoping for anything. I'm preparing myself for 7 months and if he gets out earlier well then surprise, surprise. I just told him I hope he takes advantage of every minute he's there. And I can't wait until he can shave! Ugh! My husband sure looks like crap with a beard! lol Ok, he can keep the mustache. I like him with that.
Today was a good day! Amen!
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
((((TG)))) so glad you had a good day. With that in mind... live for today. Take each day...one day at a time. Enjoy what is, to the fullest. 
It is really nice to laugh with your husband, I bet you will hold on to that for awhile!
It is really nice to laugh with your husband, I bet you will hold on to that for awhile!
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Thanks Christie and MTS. It was oh so good to laugh with him. It's really been a while. I do miss him but you know, the "him" I miss really hasn't been here with me for a long, long time. And you know, he can't smoke where his is or at the rehab jail where he's going so he's decided to take advantage and stay smoke free when he gets out. He says it's great to be able to inhale deeply and not cough your head off. And as he said that I proceeded to hack away! Guess it's my turn too to take quitting seriously. I have such sucky willpower! lol
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Thank you for your good wishes too Pick!
When my husband gets back home, if I'm still smoking will I have to resort to being a "closet smoker"? Hmmm... he'll know something is up if I start od'ing on breath mints.
Sorry, I'm being a real brat I know ... but I just couldn't resist! lol
When my husband gets back home, if I'm still smoking will I have to resort to being a "closet smoker"? Hmmm... he'll know something is up if I start od'ing on breath mints.
Sorry, I'm being a real brat I know ... but I just couldn't resist! lol
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by mythreesons
Pick a date, we'll quit together!?! Maybe. My willpower sucks too. Wait, what willpower?
Go for it,though!
opps-I thought it said Pick-a name..haha: time for bed!
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
TG don't smoke in the closet... it's too dark! And you're clothes will get all stinky. Smoke in the basement bathroom with a can of Lysol and a bottle of Listerine, oh wait that's me. I gotta stop. I am going to bed too!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
sometimes quiting one can be enough at one time... if it's between the smokin' or the drinkin'... Hope it's the stinkin' drinking, smoking so far, doesn't have so many consqenses... Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
When my husband was in Rahway State Prison in NJ for 5 1/2 years due to drug and alcohol offenses, I never heard him tell funny or amusing stories. But then again, he never allowed me to visit him in such a horrendous place. He always was worried about keeping himself healthy and getting along.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Perhaps I shouldn't offer this, but I will.
If someone is sentenced to jail, be it maxium security, medium security or minimum security by the courts, this is serious business. The person sentenced should take it seriously as should their family members and friends.
When my husband was sentenced almost 20 years ago, the judge literally looked at his record, all drug offenses and alcohol related offenses and told him "you are a hopeless case". He was originally sentenced to 15 years which he was more than willing to serve. Fortunately he got his sentenced reduced.
He was ordered to work the AA program, NA program while in prison, then that was part of his parole also. He did. Unfortunately he did not take is seriously and just went through the motions. He came out of prison, we got married, had a family, bought a house etc and he still became a raging alcoholic.
The point being that a court can order whatever they choose, hopefully the offender will take is seriously, many don't, so having said that, this only goes to prove the point that the Alcoholic still needs to admit that his life is unmanageable.
I also want to say that my husband is an alcoholic, recovering and doing quite well. I am extremely proud of him and I no longer consider him someone with problems and issues. I also do not make things "tempting" for him. I do not cook with alcohol and I do not have alcohol in this house, not even OTC medications like Nyquil or even mouthwash with alcohol in it's base ingredients. For me, I think that is cruel and if an alcoholic knows that something is around with alcohol in it, the temptation is great for them.
I come across at times as if the responsibility for remaining sober is 100% on the alcoholics back, it is, but for the people that love them and wish them to recover, it is little things like no keeping alcohol based products in the home, not cooking with alcohol that can show "support" to the alcoholic.
If I want to have wine with dinner, I ask if he's ok with it? If we are invited to a wedding, I tell him it's not necessary for him to go if all the alcohol around will make him feel uncomfortable. These are just some of the things I do to support my RA husband.
If someone is sentenced to jail, be it maxium security, medium security or minimum security by the courts, this is serious business. The person sentenced should take it seriously as should their family members and friends.
When my husband was sentenced almost 20 years ago, the judge literally looked at his record, all drug offenses and alcohol related offenses and told him "you are a hopeless case". He was originally sentenced to 15 years which he was more than willing to serve. Fortunately he got his sentenced reduced.
He was ordered to work the AA program, NA program while in prison, then that was part of his parole also. He did. Unfortunately he did not take is seriously and just went through the motions. He came out of prison, we got married, had a family, bought a house etc and he still became a raging alcoholic.
The point being that a court can order whatever they choose, hopefully the offender will take is seriously, many don't, so having said that, this only goes to prove the point that the Alcoholic still needs to admit that his life is unmanageable.
I also want to say that my husband is an alcoholic, recovering and doing quite well. I am extremely proud of him and I no longer consider him someone with problems and issues. I also do not make things "tempting" for him. I do not cook with alcohol and I do not have alcohol in this house, not even OTC medications like Nyquil or even mouthwash with alcohol in it's base ingredients. For me, I think that is cruel and if an alcoholic knows that something is around with alcohol in it, the temptation is great for them.
I come across at times as if the responsibility for remaining sober is 100% on the alcoholics back, it is, but for the people that love them and wish them to recover, it is little things like no keeping alcohol based products in the home, not cooking with alcohol that can show "support" to the alcoholic.
If I want to have wine with dinner, I ask if he's ok with it? If we are invited to a wedding, I tell him it's not necessary for him to go if all the alcohol around will make him feel uncomfortable. These are just some of the things I do to support my RA husband.
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
I also do not make things "tempting" for him. I do not cook with alcohol and I do not have alcohol in this house, not even OTC medications like Nyquil or even mouthwash with alcohol in it's base ingredients. For me, I think that is cruel and if an alcoholic knows that something is around with alcohol in it, the temptation is great for them.
My husband didn't drink any cooking sherry. He got nabbed because he was drinking the vodka he bought his last time out in the world. The cooking sherry story was the story he concocted to try an explain why he blew a positive. Nobody bought it and that's why he's where he is right now.
As for the cruelty you accuse me of let me tell you than the counselor that runs my Family & Friends meeting, an alcoholic with 15 years of recovery, told me not to drive myself crazy removing every little thing in the house that contains alcohol. Like mouthwash, various extracts, colongne, etc. He said if the A wants to drink they will. It's one thing if I have a bottle of wine, beer, whatever sitting around, that would make it hard for them, but it's another thing to go so far as to dump out that bottle of vanilla extract. No offense but I think I'll follow the advice of that counselor. Thanks anyway.
If someone is sentenced to jail, be it maxium security, medium security or minimum security by the courts, this is serious business. The person sentenced should take it seriously as should their family members and friends.
Well if my husband and I could find something to laugh about in the midst of the situation and place he is in then I believe that is a very healthy sign. He and I have enough unfunny and heartbreaking experiences together to last a lifetime. That visit was good for me and I certainly believe it was good for him. I truly subscribe to the belief that laughter is very good medicine. My signature quote on this message board says it all about me. I thank God for that ability as I know it's one thing about myself that has allowed me to maintain a sanity that others with weaker coping skills would have lost long ago.
One more thing, I've said this for years, to myself and to other people and that is that 95% of life sucks or is just downright boring. But when a piece of that wonderful 5% comes along enjoy it, relish it, and truly appreciate every second of it. That visit last night with my husband fell into the 5% and I will always remember it.
My husband didn't drink any cooking sherry. He got nabbed because he was drinking the vodka he bought his last time out in the world. The cooking sherry story was the story he concocted to try an explain why he blew a positive. Nobody bought it and that's why he's where he is right now.
As for the cruelty you accuse me of let me tell you than the counselor that runs my Family & Friends meeting, an alcoholic with 15 years of recovery, told me not to drive myself crazy removing every little thing in the house that contains alcohol. Like mouthwash, various extracts, colongne, etc. He said if the A wants to drink they will. It's one thing if I have a bottle of wine, beer, whatever sitting around, that would make it hard for them, but it's another thing to go so far as to dump out that bottle of vanilla extract. No offense but I think I'll follow the advice of that counselor. Thanks anyway.
If someone is sentenced to jail, be it maxium security, medium security or minimum security by the courts, this is serious business. The person sentenced should take it seriously as should their family members and friends.
Well if my husband and I could find something to laugh about in the midst of the situation and place he is in then I believe that is a very healthy sign. He and I have enough unfunny and heartbreaking experiences together to last a lifetime. That visit was good for me and I certainly believe it was good for him. I truly subscribe to the belief that laughter is very good medicine. My signature quote on this message board says it all about me. I thank God for that ability as I know it's one thing about myself that has allowed me to maintain a sanity that others with weaker coping skills would have lost long ago.
One more thing, I've said this for years, to myself and to other people and that is that 95% of life sucks or is just downright boring. But when a piece of that wonderful 5% comes along enjoy it, relish it, and truly appreciate every second of it. That visit last night with my husband fell into the 5% and I will always remember it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I thought you were ignoring me TomsGirl?
I wasn't posting to your situation with your husband, I was posting to others who may be interested in my experience, and since my experience was with a SO in jail, one of the worst jails in this country, who was put there because of alcohol and drug problems and it STILL DIDN'T HELP HIM!!!! and if someone else can take something away from it fine. If you don't that is fine also. My point is court ordered rehab jail or court ordered rehab is nothing to laugh about ..... it's serious business and the fact that he is thinking of ways he can get out sooner is troublesome, at least to me AND my opinion of it really doesn't matter at all! Two weeks ago you were mad as hell at him ..... cursing him out on these boards and now because he is incarcerated it's OK to laugh about the problem? I understand that laughing is a great stress reliever ....... hopefully you both relieved some of the stress you've been going through lately.
Wasn't it you who messaged me advising me I was on your ignore list? Maybe I read the name wrong ..... hmmm!
It's one of those things .... take what you need and leave the rest.
I wasn't posting to your situation with your husband, I was posting to others who may be interested in my experience, and since my experience was with a SO in jail, one of the worst jails in this country, who was put there because of alcohol and drug problems and it STILL DIDN'T HELP HIM!!!! and if someone else can take something away from it fine. If you don't that is fine also. My point is court ordered rehab jail or court ordered rehab is nothing to laugh about ..... it's serious business and the fact that he is thinking of ways he can get out sooner is troublesome, at least to me AND my opinion of it really doesn't matter at all! Two weeks ago you were mad as hell at him ..... cursing him out on these boards and now because he is incarcerated it's OK to laugh about the problem? I understand that laughing is a great stress reliever ....... hopefully you both relieved some of the stress you've been going through lately.
Wasn't it you who messaged me advising me I was on your ignore list? Maybe I read the name wrong ..... hmmm!
It's one of those things .... take what you need and leave the rest.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
TomsGirl,
Im happy you found something to laugh about.
Nobody thinks jail is funny, but its nice to sigh a breath of relief when you can get one minute of laughter.
Good for you,
Im happy you found something to laugh about.
Nobody thinks jail is funny, but its nice to sigh a breath of relief when you can get one minute of laughter.
Good for you,
Getting busy living!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Sorry Judy, yes I did have you on ignore but my curiosity ... And we weren't laughing at the fact that he was in jail. We were laughing at a few things that happened while he's been in jail. Harmless things really that were a result of the fact that my husband has never been in such a situation. And I do believe I did mention that I too was disturbed by his hope that his sentence will be reduced. When that subject came up in our conversation believe me, I didn't crack a smile. And I'm sorry that jail did nothing for your husband and it very well may do nothing for mine in the long run but I can't sit here and dwell on that because in the final analysis I know that I have absolutely no control over it.
As to my cursing him out a while ago, I remember someone else on this board throwing that in my face. Her name was "Soulcatcher". Remember her? Well I responded privately to her on that same subject but I'll do it out in the open here because I think my response might be helpful to others. Living with an A is like riding a rollercoaster and I will certainly not apologize to anyone if my emotions sometimes twist and turn like a rollercoaster. One day at a time and some of those days will be good days and some of those days will be bad ones. Recovery is a process of ebbs and flows, successes and failures. If my emotions and more importantly if my heart becomes rock hard and impenitrable then for me that's not recovery ... that's being dead yet the body is still walking around.
As to my cursing him out a while ago, I remember someone else on this board throwing that in my face. Her name was "Soulcatcher". Remember her? Well I responded privately to her on that same subject but I'll do it out in the open here because I think my response might be helpful to others. Living with an A is like riding a rollercoaster and I will certainly not apologize to anyone if my emotions sometimes twist and turn like a rollercoaster. One day at a time and some of those days will be good days and some of those days will be bad ones. Recovery is a process of ebbs and flows, successes and failures. If my emotions and more importantly if my heart becomes rock hard and impenitrable then for me that's not recovery ... that's being dead yet the body is still walking around.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Look TomsGirl, I am not criticizing you for anything you are doing with your husband. If it feels right, then do it, not a big deal.
The help is there for your husband , it did not have to get to this point and if it were me (which it's not which I'm sure you are quite grateful for) I'd be hopping mad that he was taken away from me because of his actions, I wouldn't be mad at the court system, I'd be pissed at him.
He could have avoided this entire situation. Jail/Court/Rehab (especially court ordered) is quite humbling. I'd be curious to see how far he gets along in recovery after he's released. Lets see if he walks the walk! For his sake and yours I hope he does and if he doesn't perhaps that will be one of those "ebbs" you speak of.
Me, a dispassionate person? Ah no ...... I'll help anyway who helps themselves, but someone elses recovery and well being does not depend on me, it depends on them and anyone who wants to put their burden on my shoulders can just take a hike. I have enough of my own crap that weighs heavy on my shoulders, I don't need someone elses. I also steer quite clear of people who depend on me to make their lives full and happy. That can only come from themselves.
The help is there for your husband , it did not have to get to this point and if it were me (which it's not which I'm sure you are quite grateful for) I'd be hopping mad that he was taken away from me because of his actions, I wouldn't be mad at the court system, I'd be pissed at him.
He could have avoided this entire situation. Jail/Court/Rehab (especially court ordered) is quite humbling. I'd be curious to see how far he gets along in recovery after he's released. Lets see if he walks the walk! For his sake and yours I hope he does and if he doesn't perhaps that will be one of those "ebbs" you speak of.
Me, a dispassionate person? Ah no ...... I'll help anyway who helps themselves, but someone elses recovery and well being does not depend on me, it depends on them and anyone who wants to put their burden on my shoulders can just take a hike. I have enough of my own crap that weighs heavy on my shoulders, I don't need someone elses. I also steer quite clear of people who depend on me to make their lives full and happy. That can only come from themselves.
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