Not just the alcohol that make them behave this way
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: deland,Fl
Posts: 11
Not just the alcohol that make them behave this way
All the years my A was drinking I always said to myself that the hurtful things he was saying was because of the alcohol, I have finally realized that it is just him. The things he says now are not quite as nasty, but no matter the topic of conversation he always turns it around to be about him!! And if something has gone wrong it is my fault. He takes no responsibility for the house or the bills, he does work, but is self employed so if the money is not there and the bills don't get paid he blames me. I have to take care of our disabled daughter 60 plus hours a week, so it would be hard for me to work, but I am thinking about trying to find something so I don't have to depend on him for everything.
He has some real issues with his family and refuses to see it and he never did his steps in AA and quit going to meetings( that is another story and I get the blame for that too). He can't see that a man that calls out "mom" or "dad" in his sleep and has for over ten years has a problem. Since he doesn't remember doing it, it didn't happen.
He is trying to make me feel guilty and using our daughter because I want out. I have done this for 20 years and have had enough. I am starting to work on myself and he doesn't like it at all. When I started losing weight and excersising last year he threw a fit and wanted to know who I was doing it for, because there had to be somebody else, that I wasn't doing it for him. I tried to tell him that I was doing it for myself, that there isn't anyone else and never has been. He just said that that was bull. So my co-dependent self quit and am not back to the weight I started at last year. No one can understand why I want out because he is so sweet to everyone else. He will bend over backwards for someone else, but ingnores me and the kids. Our son (17) won't even speak to him if he doesn't have to.
'He now says that quitting drinking was a waste and it got him no where. I have tried to explain to him that it was more than just the drinking and that I have begged him for years to go to marriage counseling with me, but he says I am the one with the problem and he quit drinking and that is all he is going to do. I did remind him that I never asked him to quit drinking.
As soon as I can figure out a way to survive without him I am going to divorce him. I don't have any feelings left for him. I have tried to explain to him that a person can only take so much hurt and rejection, but he doesn't see it that way.
Thanks for letting me vent
Alicia
He has some real issues with his family and refuses to see it and he never did his steps in AA and quit going to meetings( that is another story and I get the blame for that too). He can't see that a man that calls out "mom" or "dad" in his sleep and has for over ten years has a problem. Since he doesn't remember doing it, it didn't happen.
He is trying to make me feel guilty and using our daughter because I want out. I have done this for 20 years and have had enough. I am starting to work on myself and he doesn't like it at all. When I started losing weight and excersising last year he threw a fit and wanted to know who I was doing it for, because there had to be somebody else, that I wasn't doing it for him. I tried to tell him that I was doing it for myself, that there isn't anyone else and never has been. He just said that that was bull. So my co-dependent self quit and am not back to the weight I started at last year. No one can understand why I want out because he is so sweet to everyone else. He will bend over backwards for someone else, but ingnores me and the kids. Our son (17) won't even speak to him if he doesn't have to.
'He now says that quitting drinking was a waste and it got him no where. I have tried to explain to him that it was more than just the drinking and that I have begged him for years to go to marriage counseling with me, but he says I am the one with the problem and he quit drinking and that is all he is going to do. I did remind him that I never asked him to quit drinking.
As soon as I can figure out a way to survive without him I am going to divorce him. I don't have any feelings left for him. I have tried to explain to him that a person can only take so much hurt and rejection, but he doesn't see it that way.
Thanks for letting me vent
Alicia
Just one of the gang
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 73
Hi Alicia,
Isn't it fun playing the blame game? Rasputin never denies he has problems. As a matter of fact, the reason he uses drugs is because we don't understand that he has problems... or don't sympathize properly... or expect too much of his troubled little self. Still, he doesn't seem to try to do anything about his problems... so round and round we go.
Good for you for looking ahead and planning a way out.
Dop
Isn't it fun playing the blame game? Rasputin never denies he has problems. As a matter of fact, the reason he uses drugs is because we don't understand that he has problems... or don't sympathize properly... or expect too much of his troubled little self. Still, he doesn't seem to try to do anything about his problems... so round and round we go.
Good for you for looking ahead and planning a way out.
Dop
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Once Ward was backing into our garage with our SUV tailgate up...and wood that I wanted for a present I was going to make hanging out of the back. Well the tailgate glass exploded when it hit the top of the garage door.
It was like a cartoon...I could SEE the smoke coming out of his ears trying to figure out a way to blame me. LOL! I honestly believe they don't get it!!
No male bashing here...just the truth!!
Hugs,
JT
It was like a cartoon...I could SEE the smoke coming out of his ears trying to figure out a way to blame me. LOL! I honestly believe they don't get it!!
No male bashing here...just the truth!!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
I think we are living the same life!
Alicia:
I am also married to a man who was verbally abusive when he didn't drink, and is just more vicious at it now. I'm expected to fix a huge family breakfast every morning (we have to have quality family time, so he can knock the cooking and yell at everyone). Get our handicapped daughter off to work (he referred to her last year as being a curse on the family) and get the other 3 kids off to school. Then I join our married daughter at work (we own our own business, and he works when he feels like it, if he can get back up off the couch after his huge family breakfast sometime before noon). I'm expected to pay all the bills with or without money--it's my fault if it's not there! Then spend the afternoon running kids to their "events", because that's just not his job. Then I get to come home to see what kind of condition he is in, and what I need to take the blame for.
My advice is to take care of yourself and your daughter first! However you have to do it. I don't know what kind of situation you have with your disabled daughter, but there are ways to get help, so you can get a job, if you need to.
Hugs
I am also married to a man who was verbally abusive when he didn't drink, and is just more vicious at it now. I'm expected to fix a huge family breakfast every morning (we have to have quality family time, so he can knock the cooking and yell at everyone). Get our handicapped daughter off to work (he referred to her last year as being a curse on the family) and get the other 3 kids off to school. Then I join our married daughter at work (we own our own business, and he works when he feels like it, if he can get back up off the couch after his huge family breakfast sometime before noon). I'm expected to pay all the bills with or without money--it's my fault if it's not there! Then spend the afternoon running kids to their "events", because that's just not his job. Then I get to come home to see what kind of condition he is in, and what I need to take the blame for.
My advice is to take care of yourself and your daughter first! However you have to do it. I don't know what kind of situation you have with your disabled daughter, but there are ways to get help, so you can get a job, if you need to.
Hugs
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Alicia,
My situation is not the same as your's but I still sympathize with your situation. Sounds like you have had your fill and are looking to make some changes in your life to make life better for you. I like the saying that is posted on here sometimes..."Nothing changes if nothing changes."
I do hope things can change for you so you can get a life, a peaceful life without the abuse you are going through.
Hugs.
My situation is not the same as your's but I still sympathize with your situation. Sounds like you have had your fill and are looking to make some changes in your life to make life better for you. I like the saying that is posted on here sometimes..."Nothing changes if nothing changes."
I do hope things can change for you so you can get a life, a peaceful life without the abuse you are going through.
Hugs.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
TO JT
JT,
Don't you know that if Ward hadn't been carrying YOUR wood the accident would have never happened?????? I can't believe you are so blind not to see that!!!!!!!!!!!!....lololol.
Love ya, Gal!
Don't you know that if Ward hadn't been carrying YOUR wood the accident would have never happened?????? I can't believe you are so blind not to see that!!!!!!!!!!!!....lololol.
Love ya, Gal!
Guest
Posts: n/a
hello dear friend - from someone who has been there
Thanks for writing. I'm new on this board, and have never done this kind of online thing before. But I just want to say to you that living with an alcoholic is one thing (never easy). Living with someone, alcoholic or not, who is not doing his work, not striving to look at his own dysfunction, ( we all have them), and blaming someone else for his own self induced misery is NOT healthy for you, for your daughter, or for your son. Please get out of there as soon as you can. I'm sure it doesn't feel like you have any resources whatsoever, with a disabled child, another child and not being able to work to get money to earn your independence. But believe me, please, if you call a local battered women's shelter and explain your situation, they will help you get in touch with the right support, resources, counseling for you and your son, and get you some help in getting on the right road. It's a huge step, and a very scary one, but pray for God's help, and make the call. You'll eventually be glad you did. And your son really needs to know that this is not the way a mature, responsible, caring, happy man acts. Please don't delay in giving him a better model of how to be in the world. He may hate his dad, but he is likely to model his behavior anyway, if that's all he knows. BE BRAVE, HAVE FAITH, my heart and prayers will be with you. You're on the right track. Don't give up.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
hi alicia
you've come to the right place for support
someone was talking about dry drunks on another thread,an alcoholic not in a program or involved in something to take its
place is considered a dry drunk, they can be mean and hateful.
sometimes they were better off drinking as far as those around
them are concerned this is an issue that a recovering alcoholic
could explain better, one who is in a program. My 87 yr old father
who lives with us had an angry at the world attitude, I now realize when he stopped drinking 10 yrs ago he never filled the void. He made our life miserable until I discovered celexia (anti depressant) he smiles now and did not have to go to a nursing home !
I wish you the best
take care of you
liddy
you've come to the right place for support
someone was talking about dry drunks on another thread,an alcoholic not in a program or involved in something to take its
place is considered a dry drunk, they can be mean and hateful.
sometimes they were better off drinking as far as those around
them are concerned this is an issue that a recovering alcoholic
could explain better, one who is in a program. My 87 yr old father
who lives with us had an angry at the world attitude, I now realize when he stopped drinking 10 yrs ago he never filled the void. He made our life miserable until I discovered celexia (anti depressant) he smiles now and did not have to go to a nursing home !
I wish you the best
take care of you
liddy
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
not just alcohol
I would have to disagree with you. Alcohol causes alcoholics to become mean and cruel especially to their family. I have never known it to be anything but hearache such as you describe. The true person is the sober person. The alcoholic is twisted in thinking and actions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: deland,Fl
Posts: 11
openseason, you are right, I guess what I was trying to say was that if a person who is an alcoholic and doesn't deal with the issues that made them drink and the behaviors they are used to, then just not drinking doesn't heal or make that person totally "sober".
Alicia
Alicia
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
did alcohol cause it
I understand your point that the underlying cause may still be simmering. But alcohol does affect the limbic part of the brain and causes an alcoholic to rage. Even without alcohol a person can become addicted to the high of getting angry and provoking fights and arguments.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
The "All About Me Show"
I have lived through too many scenes of this performance. And I agree that it goes beyond the alcoholism. My suggestion is that you cancel your season tickets. The funny thing is...the "All About Me Show" doesn't prosper too well without a captive audience. It truly got so boring for me to hear that everything he did to mess up his life was "my fault" that I just stopped listening to it anymore. It's always "someone else's fault" for the "people of the lie". Remember who they are and deal with them in the appropriate manner.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Alicia - debates are a good thing! We might not always agree with one another but the powerful thing about sharing is that is lets others see a different point of view, a different possibility, and it lets us get rid of pent up emotions. But first and foremost, we get the reassurance of knowing we're not alone.
Keep coming back and share and vent as much as you want!
Keep coming back and share and vent as much as you want!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh Alicia
You post sounded so darned familiar. I am no longer living with my alcoholic husband, but the things you described were things that I went through when I was. Everything was always "someone else's fault" (usually mine). Sometimes he would blame it on the kids. It seemed like whatever scapegoat was handy worked for him. My kids and I lived through a lot of ugliness as a result of this. Even when I would get up the guts to get in his face and say "Don't you dare blame me, none of this is my fault" it didn't sink in.
I'm sorry that his "all about me" attitude made you crash and burn on your self-improvement program. I hope that you can find a way to get back after that. I'm sure he didn't understand that you were doing it for you. "People of the lie" seldom understand that kind of motivation.
It's hard to live with someone whose very presence in your house takes up so much room that you find it hard to breathe sometimes.
I will say a prayer that you find the motivation to make your life better somehow. I'm sure that it seems impossible sometimes. Whenever I get to thinking that way, I have to remember that song from the Rogers and Hammerstein version of "Cinderella".
In that song there is a line that goes:
"Impossible...impossible...things are happening every day."
Call my a zany fool, but I believe this to be true.
Gabe
P.S. I don't believe in sensible rules either.
I'm sorry that his "all about me" attitude made you crash and burn on your self-improvement program. I hope that you can find a way to get back after that. I'm sure he didn't understand that you were doing it for you. "People of the lie" seldom understand that kind of motivation.
It's hard to live with someone whose very presence in your house takes up so much room that you find it hard to breathe sometimes.
I will say a prayer that you find the motivation to make your life better somehow. I'm sure that it seems impossible sometimes. Whenever I get to thinking that way, I have to remember that song from the Rogers and Hammerstein version of "Cinderella".
In that song there is a line that goes:
"Impossible...impossible...things are happening every day."
Call my a zany fool, but I believe this to be true.
Gabe
P.S. I don't believe in sensible rules either.
Banned User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: reno nevada
Posts: 34
just the alcohol
Alcoholism is transmitted GENETICALLY. The conflicting idea that alcoholics drink to relieve some other PROBLEM(psychological,economic,social,etcetera) is out of date. One becomes an alcoholic because a person is BIOLOGICALLY vunerable, and then tests this vunerablility by drinking. Its the engine that hits the alcoholic, not the caboose.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
From The Journal of the American Medical Association
"Alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial."
_________
This is a great place to help share facts. However, there are a lot of opinions out there about alcoholism and addiction. Even experts disagree about certain issues. But I want to ask everyone who posts "facts" about the medical realities of these diseases to note their SOURCE. Let us know where your information came from. If possible, and it's not a commercial site, provide a link. We deserve to be able to decide for ourselves if your source is one that can be relied upon.
_________
For more information from the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence go to www.ncadd.org
"Alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial."
_________
This is a great place to help share facts. However, there are a lot of opinions out there about alcoholism and addiction. Even experts disagree about certain issues. But I want to ask everyone who posts "facts" about the medical realities of these diseases to note their SOURCE. Let us know where your information came from. If possible, and it's not a commercial site, provide a link. We deserve to be able to decide for ourselves if your source is one that can be relied upon.
_________
For more information from the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence go to www.ncadd.org
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Thank you smoke for the link.Being new to 'putering I need all the help I can get..
I used to try to firgure out all the things others did sober or anytime really so here's a one liner I use for me;
Don't analize!!
Be flexable!
I've seen the truth
and it makes no sense!
Before Al-Anon I tried to firgue everything out, If I just understood, If I found the right answer, If..If...If.. I didn't know then all I needed to do was accept one spiritual truth:
There is a God
and I am not He or Her or it...
The program works IF I work it...
Sending you all sunbeams and blessings.
I used to try to firgure out all the things others did sober or anytime really so here's a one liner I use for me;
Don't analize!!
Be flexable!
I've seen the truth
and it makes no sense!
Before Al-Anon I tried to firgue everything out, If I just understood, If I found the right answer, If..If...If.. I didn't know then all I needed to do was accept one spiritual truth:
There is a God
and I am not He or Her or it...
The program works IF I work it...
Sending you all sunbeams and blessings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: deland,Fl
Posts: 11
like I said before I didn't mean to start something, just needed to vent. I have my opinions from reading and talking to other recovering alcoholics. I wasn't stating that was fact, just my opinion about my own husband and others that I know. Didn't mean to get anyones panties in a ruffle.
Alicia
Alicia
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