Gossip in AA????
Gossip in AA????
Hello all,
I have an issue with a woman in the program, just wanted some feedback how to approach this.
This woman helped me a lot when I came in, took me to meetings, called me and took me out for coffee etc.. when I got to know others I didn't spend so much time with her, although I did still keep in touch wth her.
I heard a few weeks ago that she told my sponsors's sponsor that I was seeing someone in the program, which is not true, although I did have coffee with a guy we both agreed to focus on our sobriety and be friends for now, I dont see him very often which is fine so I let this slide and vowed to stay away from her.
Last night my sponsor tells me that she is bitching again saying that I am not taking suggestions, again she tells my sponsors' sponsor and my sponsor tells me! BTW I have a sponsor, home group, coffee commitment and do a meeting every day
I was up all night thinking about what I am going to do about this. I don't want to let this go and I am afraid of repercussions from others in the fellowship, she has 4 years and I have 110 days! But to me this is gossip, and I am a newcomer, I feel that this is counter-productive to my recovery.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, I think it needs to be addressed, but I am scared that it may cause problems for me to go to meetings that she goes to??
Thanks, Rose
I have an issue with a woman in the program, just wanted some feedback how to approach this.
This woman helped me a lot when I came in, took me to meetings, called me and took me out for coffee etc.. when I got to know others I didn't spend so much time with her, although I did still keep in touch wth her.
I heard a few weeks ago that she told my sponsors's sponsor that I was seeing someone in the program, which is not true, although I did have coffee with a guy we both agreed to focus on our sobriety and be friends for now, I dont see him very often which is fine so I let this slide and vowed to stay away from her.
Last night my sponsor tells me that she is bitching again saying that I am not taking suggestions, again she tells my sponsors' sponsor and my sponsor tells me! BTW I have a sponsor, home group, coffee commitment and do a meeting every day
I was up all night thinking about what I am going to do about this. I don't want to let this go and I am afraid of repercussions from others in the fellowship, she has 4 years and I have 110 days! But to me this is gossip, and I am a newcomer, I feel that this is counter-productive to my recovery.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, I think it needs to be addressed, but I am scared that it may cause problems for me to go to meetings that she goes to??
Thanks, Rose
Rose
This is just my advice. You'll get other perspectives too.
Stay on your path of sobriety as you are. Remember that the solution to any problem does not lie at the level of the problem. Therefore, give it no (zero) energy.
If you get involved, become confrontational, or start disecting the wrongs of this person, what happens is that you will prolong a drama that is not needed for your recovery. Part of our recovery is to let go and let god. Can you try letting this situation just resolve itself?
As long as YOU keep yoiur side of the srteet clean, you have no "repercussions" to concern yourself with.
Eventually, justice will prevail. Thats letting go and letting god...
Again, this is JMHO and what I would do.
Keep up the great work on yourself!
This is just my advice. You'll get other perspectives too.
Stay on your path of sobriety as you are. Remember that the solution to any problem does not lie at the level of the problem. Therefore, give it no (zero) energy.
If you get involved, become confrontational, or start disecting the wrongs of this person, what happens is that you will prolong a drama that is not needed for your recovery. Part of our recovery is to let go and let god. Can you try letting this situation just resolve itself?
As long as YOU keep yoiur side of the srteet clean, you have no "repercussions" to concern yourself with.
Eventually, justice will prevail. Thats letting go and letting god...
Again, this is JMHO and what I would do.
Keep up the great work on yourself!
Whoa, slow down Rose. Take 10 deep slow breaths.
Here's my suggestion.
Now. In your heart you know that what she says is false, correct? Say that to YOUR SPONSOR and only your sponsor. This person obviously is still working on herself and thus is not perfect. She may feel "abandoned" or something else. thus, maybe its time for you to start to work on "what other people think of me is none of my business."
A good way to start, in order to STOP the resentment I read building is really simple. Pray for to have all that she has ever wanted. Do this for 14 days STRAIGHT. Now if you skip or forget a day, you have to START THE 14 DAYS OVER. lol
It works, it really works. I hate to tell you how many times I have had to do that in my early sobriety, and yes even once in a very great while these many years later.
Sit down and have a heart to heart with your sponsor. Tell her how you feel. She may be able to give you further insight into this person. She will also be able to help you understand that "confrontation is not the solution."
Congrats on your 110 days, that is QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. Keep doing what you are doing, it sure is working for you.
JMHO
Keep coming back, and let us know how you are doing.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Here's my suggestion.
Now. In your heart you know that what she says is false, correct? Say that to YOUR SPONSOR and only your sponsor. This person obviously is still working on herself and thus is not perfect. She may feel "abandoned" or something else. thus, maybe its time for you to start to work on "what other people think of me is none of my business."
A good way to start, in order to STOP the resentment I read building is really simple. Pray for to have all that she has ever wanted. Do this for 14 days STRAIGHT. Now if you skip or forget a day, you have to START THE 14 DAYS OVER. lol
It works, it really works. I hate to tell you how many times I have had to do that in my early sobriety, and yes even once in a very great while these many years later.
Sit down and have a heart to heart with your sponsor. Tell her how you feel. She may be able to give you further insight into this person. She will also be able to help you understand that "confrontation is not the solution."
Congrats on your 110 days, that is QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. Keep doing what you are doing, it sure is working for you.
JMHO
Keep coming back, and let us know how you are doing.
Love and (((((to all))))),
I have to agree, what she thinks of you is none of your business. Pray for her, talk to your sponsor about it and let it go. Know that you are most likely not the only one in the group who has figured out what she is about.
Food for thought, I am conflicted, I just don't know wheather it would be better to pray for her and not bring it up or to bring it up, my sponsor suggests speaking with her in an non-confrontational way (is that possible???), probably because this has happened a few times with this person talking about me. When I see her at meetings she comes straight over to me, taking and asking how my recovery is going, I really don't want to see or talk to her.
If I don't say anything to her about this and she comes over to me I will not want to talk to her, if I speak with her about this she will then know that I know and I suppose we can figure it out from there if we are going to remians friends or even speak for that matter.
I know I am totally going nuts over this, and I am trying to breathe, I can for 5 seconds then I start to think again and get all anxious!!
I really appreciate the input, Rose xx
If I don't say anything to her about this and she comes over to me I will not want to talk to her, if I speak with her about this she will then know that I know and I suppose we can figure it out from there if we are going to remians friends or even speak for that matter.
I know I am totally going nuts over this, and I am trying to breathe, I can for 5 seconds then I start to think again and get all anxious!!
I really appreciate the input, Rose xx
I do get that what she thinks of me is none of my business, thats fine, but talking to my sponsor's sponsor and it coming back to me is a bit messed up, it seems that she wants me to know this, I don't know, it feels like sabotage!!
Is it normal to get so upset by this???
love, Rose
Is it normal to get so upset by this???
love, Rose
It is perfectly natural for your sponsor to ask her sponsor for advice in how to chart your course. That's how this program works. If your sponsor just guessed at what to do for you, assignments, etc., you might not be getting the best help. Except for any 'gossip' type items, I'd be THANKFUL that she thought enough of your recovery to ask for her sponsor's help.
Your grand-sponsor might be doing you all a disservice by commenting directly to you though. Maybe just ask her not to say anything in this regard.
I know of what you speak. In my regular home group meeting there sits daily my sponsor and grand sponsor. I frequently see my great-grand sponsor at Saturday morning meetings, and HIS sponsor stops by the club occasionally. I consider myself very fortunate to know this entire lineage of men, whom have about 80 years sobriety between them. It gives me strength.
Your grand-sponsor might be doing you all a disservice by commenting directly to you though. Maybe just ask her not to say anything in this regard.
I know of what you speak. In my regular home group meeting there sits daily my sponsor and grand sponsor. I frequently see my great-grand sponsor at Saturday morning meetings, and HIS sponsor stops by the club occasionally. I consider myself very fortunate to know this entire lineage of men, whom have about 80 years sobriety between them. It gives me strength.
Like I said...you most likely are not the only one she is talking about, and other members know her true colors too. You can be polite to her, pray for her. Dont let her rent space in your head.
Hi Laurie and Eire Rose
Well..after I posted I THOUGHT i was finished, but something I am going through, kinda similar, got triggered and I thought we could roll this one around here, too.
I am still working through this one , its been about a month now. Laurie I love your suggestion and will try it.
Here's whats on my mind:
I am a yoga teacher and holistic therapist working. This other woman I work(ed) with was my close AA friend for 9 years. I chose her 9 years ago because she appeared to have lots of eastern philosophy wisdom in addition to a similar family bakground as mine. She was a helpful friend and a teacher of sorts for a long time.
(we both relapsed 3 years ago, had stopped going to meetings, but we had both agreed to quit again and work the steps on Dec 1st)We were just getting back to AA in a really committed way (This is Day 51 for me) I said I was going to do 90 in 90, and wanting to call in to her daily, which, at first, she had encouraged.
Around the holidays our (her) discussions turned more and more to concepts of "moderation drinking", and she became condescending of AA. And very cold and distant to me. Yes, I do have a sponsor.
Okay. After trying, gently, to help her find her way back, like driving the hour to her house to go with her to a meeting we used to go to (I had previously lived in that town but moved away 5 years ago) etc, she announced that she will start drinking moderately, does not believe that alcoholism is a disease, etc.
She is not sober, yet will continue to co-teach a "yoga for women in recovery" class that we developed together. I told her I am not going to teach it with her, nor will I even teach it at all right now as I work on getting more of my own recovery going. She said she will still teach it for the 12 weeks and that she will "use" that as her "program". (my background: Prior to this recent relapse of mine, I had had 16 years sobriety and 21 years exp as a yoga teacher. So, I am not brand new at teaching yoga.)
Whoa! I was floored! We havent spoken since.
My question/challenge:When asked why I am no longer teaching that class with my former office partner, inside of me, I want to say lots of angry and "effective" things. You should hear my raging brain! I think sometimes I need to tell on her, to "protect" the students in this group. Believe me, I have thoroughly taken this woman's inventory at least 10 times! lol.
Now, I am using the experience to see where I may have to grow some more.
I recognize that the urge to get even or say something damaging, to "fix" the situation, is equal in potentially negative consequences as the urge to medicate a tough feeling with a drink is. So, for today, I will not drink, and I will not have toxic relationships. I will talk to my sponsor abouit it and ask for my HP to guide me.
I have to learn to take the high road more effortlessly and be there to help those that are sincere, instead of mud wrestling with negative situations and taking on situations that are not supporting my sobriety.
On a practical note: I believe that there is a HP for each person. Mine has found me a better place to teach my class, but not right away. I want to wait a few months. I believe that this person will probably not succeed in keeping her group together, as the sobriety in that group will know B******T when they see it. And, I believe, maybe she will return to her sobriety.
But, its out of MY hands. And I thank you all for any feedback you can offer.
Well..after I posted I THOUGHT i was finished, but something I am going through, kinda similar, got triggered and I thought we could roll this one around here, too.
I am still working through this one , its been about a month now. Laurie I love your suggestion and will try it.
Here's whats on my mind:
I am a yoga teacher and holistic therapist working. This other woman I work(ed) with was my close AA friend for 9 years. I chose her 9 years ago because she appeared to have lots of eastern philosophy wisdom in addition to a similar family bakground as mine. She was a helpful friend and a teacher of sorts for a long time.
(we both relapsed 3 years ago, had stopped going to meetings, but we had both agreed to quit again and work the steps on Dec 1st)We were just getting back to AA in a really committed way (This is Day 51 for me) I said I was going to do 90 in 90, and wanting to call in to her daily, which, at first, she had encouraged.
Around the holidays our (her) discussions turned more and more to concepts of "moderation drinking", and she became condescending of AA. And very cold and distant to me. Yes, I do have a sponsor.
Okay. After trying, gently, to help her find her way back, like driving the hour to her house to go with her to a meeting we used to go to (I had previously lived in that town but moved away 5 years ago) etc, she announced that she will start drinking moderately, does not believe that alcoholism is a disease, etc.
She is not sober, yet will continue to co-teach a "yoga for women in recovery" class that we developed together. I told her I am not going to teach it with her, nor will I even teach it at all right now as I work on getting more of my own recovery going. She said she will still teach it for the 12 weeks and that she will "use" that as her "program". (my background: Prior to this recent relapse of mine, I had had 16 years sobriety and 21 years exp as a yoga teacher. So, I am not brand new at teaching yoga.)
Whoa! I was floored! We havent spoken since.
My question/challenge:When asked why I am no longer teaching that class with my former office partner, inside of me, I want to say lots of angry and "effective" things. You should hear my raging brain! I think sometimes I need to tell on her, to "protect" the students in this group. Believe me, I have thoroughly taken this woman's inventory at least 10 times! lol.
Now, I am using the experience to see where I may have to grow some more.
I recognize that the urge to get even or say something damaging, to "fix" the situation, is equal in potentially negative consequences as the urge to medicate a tough feeling with a drink is. So, for today, I will not drink, and I will not have toxic relationships. I will talk to my sponsor abouit it and ask for my HP to guide me.
I have to learn to take the high road more effortlessly and be there to help those that are sincere, instead of mud wrestling with negative situations and taking on situations that are not supporting my sobriety.
On a practical note: I believe that there is a HP for each person. Mine has found me a better place to teach my class, but not right away. I want to wait a few months. I believe that this person will probably not succeed in keeping her group together, as the sobriety in that group will know B******T when they see it. And, I believe, maybe she will return to her sobriety.
But, its out of MY hands. And I thank you all for any feedback you can offer.
To me, it would be easiest to approach the gossip lady, and find out for yourself.
Be respectful, but no nonsense.
It shows to her, and YOU, you can confront life head on in a calm peaceful way.
For me, when I duck life issues, they generally tend to only get worse. Or, when I do confront them, I find out the real story, which often was not really what I thought in the first place!
Be respectful, but no nonsense.
It shows to her, and YOU, you can confront life head on in a calm peaceful way.
For me, when I duck life issues, they generally tend to only get worse. Or, when I do confront them, I find out the real story, which often was not really what I thought in the first place!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Last night my sponsor tells me that she is bitching again saying that I am not taking suggestions, again she tells my sponsors' sponsor and my sponsor tells me! BTW I have a sponsor, home group, coffee commitment and do a meeting every day.
I think the one thing that bothers me most about your situation is the telling of tales to your sponsor's sponsor, who then repeats them to you. WHAT!?! If your sponsor's sponsor doesn't tell this person straight out, "I really don't think you should be saying these things, and I don't want to hear them," then, YOUR SPONSOR should nip it in the bud by saying, "I work very closely with Rose, and I know she's working a good program, no matter what you may hear."
Your sponsor must know all of this is upsetting to you and counter-productive to your program of recovery. She should be sticking up for you, and not perpetuating the chain of gossip.
Hi there Eire
Yes, it's totally normal to be p#ssed off about it! It's unjust, untrue and unfair!!!
But, be the better person as Carol says....pray for her as Laurie says (I am going to take that advice Laurie about another issue, thanks!) and rise above it.
Quite clearly you don't want what she's got in the sense that what she's doing is really very damaging and not nice...so don't engage with her. If you really want to though you could NICELY say to her how hurt you were...btu i would not go there. There are gossips in AA and it will just cause mayhem!!! IMHO...maybe shes just waiting for you to REACT...for her OWN not so healthy reasons/agenda.
Try and let it go, but I acknowledge that it's definitely very unfair. Such is life though...YOU are doing great and you are sober!
Cathy31
x
Yes, it's totally normal to be p#ssed off about it! It's unjust, untrue and unfair!!!
But, be the better person as Carol says....pray for her as Laurie says (I am going to take that advice Laurie about another issue, thanks!) and rise above it.
Quite clearly you don't want what she's got in the sense that what she's doing is really very damaging and not nice...so don't engage with her. If you really want to though you could NICELY say to her how hurt you were...btu i would not go there. There are gossips in AA and it will just cause mayhem!!! IMHO...maybe shes just waiting for you to REACT...for her OWN not so healthy reasons/agenda.
Try and let it go, but I acknowledge that it's definitely very unfair. Such is life though...YOU are doing great and you are sober!
Cathy31
x
Just talk to your sponsor and ask advice what you should do if anything.
I agree with raerob... your sponsor should have said to the wench right off the bat that she should stick her nose elsewhere.
For you... remind yourself of the serenity saying and then surrender it away. NOT your problem... hers.
Suga
I agree with raerob... your sponsor should have said to the wench right off the bat that she should stick her nose elsewhere.
For you... remind yourself of the serenity saying and then surrender it away. NOT your problem... hers.
Suga
Hi Rose , I am sorry you are having to cope with this gossip. Personally, I agree , that your sponser should have told the Sponser of said wench ( love it ) that she was not interested in her gossip, but since that is water under the bridge, I would let your Sponser know, that YOU do not wish to hear anymore of what is said .
In regards to the "wench", pray for her , and be polite ( very hard , I know, ) I have been there , done that .
You only have to be accountable to YOU. Just continue to do " the next right thing" and all will be well. As cath has said, this "wench" has her own agenda.
I have found in the last 2 years, that just because people are in AA does not mean that they are angels,so I have learned to " let it go" and just to attend to MY OWN recovery. it was very hard at first , but I had to practise the principles,and it gets easier, and more instinctive as I go along !
hang in there Rose , all will be well
HUGX
Lee
In regards to the "wench", pray for her , and be polite ( very hard , I know, ) I have been there , done that .
You only have to be accountable to YOU. Just continue to do " the next right thing" and all will be well. As cath has said, this "wench" has her own agenda.
I have found in the last 2 years, that just because people are in AA does not mean that they are angels,so I have learned to " let it go" and just to attend to MY OWN recovery. it was very hard at first , but I had to practise the principles,and it gets easier, and more instinctive as I go along !
hang in there Rose , all will be well
HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: chicago il
Posts: 12
Hey erie! I would suggest using the steps in this situation. steps 1 and 3, you are powerless over what this woman says and just turn it over to your higher power! Don't let this disrupt your progress, you keep doing what your doing, and you never know, you may be the one to help this woman in the future. Your doing great and nobody can take that away from you!
Bd
Bd
Originally Posted by Justme57
I have found in the last 2 years, that just because people are in AA does not mean that they are angels...
I know I am still horrified when someone in one of my meetings does not act angelic!! But then I have to remind myself of what exactly you said there and tend to my own recovery ... which definitely needs - and is worth - tending, lol!
There are so many good points that everyone has brought up here, I am chewing on this all day, and I am really hurt, and angry of course, but as someone pointed out there is something off with the whole thing, the way this has been passed onto me, the Wench, lol, to my sponsor's sponsor, my sponsor then to me, wtf!!
I did want to know if there was back talk before because I got a sense of something a few nights ago at meetings and figured there is something up here, I wanted to be sure my sponsor was in my corner, but now I feel like I can't trust any of them, the whole thing stinks. MY sponsor is kind of going with what I want on this one, don't know if that is good or bad.
I am trying to get clear on this so here goes:
Its not important what people say I know I am doing my work in AA
I need to know who I can trust (if anybody) this is a lesson
People talk
Be careful who I talk to
Not everyone has integrity
I am hurt
I am also angry, this could become a problem to my sobriety (I need to deal with this one way or the other, or let it go, not happening today it seems)
I need to talk with my sponsor, set the ground work for the future issues
Thats all I can come up with now, although I do feel a little compassion for her or maybe its pity
Thanks to all, love Rose
I did want to know if there was back talk before because I got a sense of something a few nights ago at meetings and figured there is something up here, I wanted to be sure my sponsor was in my corner, but now I feel like I can't trust any of them, the whole thing stinks. MY sponsor is kind of going with what I want on this one, don't know if that is good or bad.
I am trying to get clear on this so here goes:
Its not important what people say I know I am doing my work in AA
I need to know who I can trust (if anybody) this is a lesson
People talk
Be careful who I talk to
Not everyone has integrity
I am hurt
I am also angry, this could become a problem to my sobriety (I need to deal with this one way or the other, or let it go, not happening today it seems)
I need to talk with my sponsor, set the ground work for the future issues
Thats all I can come up with now, although I do feel a little compassion for her or maybe its pity
Thanks to all, love Rose
Hi again Rose
You have made some great points. I 'specially like the one about setting ground rules with your sponser. I had a problem with my 1st sponser regarding confidentiality, and eventually , when i was brave enough, and it hadn't stopped, we had to part ways .
Take care of YOU and YOUR sobriety, do whatever it takes to stay sober, and happy.
One of my biggest character defects is/was partaking in gossip, i guess it made me feel "part of", ( this was when i was drinking,) and when I came into AA, I was drawn to the same type of situation. It was not until i was thinking about my 4th step, and was looking at " my part in " the gossip around me, that I had to check myself, I stopped being close with "the gossips" i was polite but that was it . Unfortunately , my then Sponser, was one of them . Always "taking someones inventory", and I recognised this, and we parted ways. If ever gossip is reported back to me, my response is , " I will talk about ME as much as you like, but if you want to talk about >>>>>> you had better aske HER" I heard a long time sober woman who has great quality sobriety say it once, and now I use it .
Good Luck working this thru
HUGX
Lee
You have made some great points. I 'specially like the one about setting ground rules with your sponser. I had a problem with my 1st sponser regarding confidentiality, and eventually , when i was brave enough, and it hadn't stopped, we had to part ways .
Take care of YOU and YOUR sobriety, do whatever it takes to stay sober, and happy.
One of my biggest character defects is/was partaking in gossip, i guess it made me feel "part of", ( this was when i was drinking,) and when I came into AA, I was drawn to the same type of situation. It was not until i was thinking about my 4th step, and was looking at " my part in " the gossip around me, that I had to check myself, I stopped being close with "the gossips" i was polite but that was it . Unfortunately , my then Sponser, was one of them . Always "taking someones inventory", and I recognised this, and we parted ways. If ever gossip is reported back to me, my response is , " I will talk about ME as much as you like, but if you want to talk about >>>>>> you had better aske HER" I heard a long time sober woman who has great quality sobriety say it once, and now I use it .
Good Luck working this thru
HUGX
Lee
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