Ausmerican4

Hello everyone. This is my first posting here. I guess I should begin by telling you what brought me here.

My husband's drinking has spiraled out of control for the last six months. Monday night, he came home plastered with a friend in tow. His friend only stayed about half an hour and when he left, that's when it began. First of all, my husband is a diabetic that drinks. He drinks one or two beers a day on the days that he works. It is on his days off that he makes up for lost time.

The man I married is the most docile, passive and non-violent human being you will ever meet. Even when he drank (up till about six months ago) he was still very calm. But I don't know what happened in the past six months but he started getting very "mean"...yelling, screaming and having fits over absolutely nothing. We had been in a few "push and shove matches" in this time period. It always cooled off by the next day. But just this past Monday, I'd had enough. He admits he has a drinking problem but always refused to go to rehab. Well, this time I had enough of his yelling...he was waking up the kids. We got into another push and shove match and he left a few imprints on my arms from his fingernails. I wanted him to go somewhere to sober up but he refused to leave. He ended up pushing me out the door and tried to shut it, with the intention of locking me out. I managed to get back in before he could and when I did, my eight year old was standing right there. I called the cops. All I wanted was for them to get him out of the house. I wasn't going to let him back in till he completed rehab. Well, little did I know what was in store..............

The police arrived, saw the marks on my arms and didn't even say anything to him....just put him in handcuffs and took him away. I had no idea at the time that I couldn't drop the charges. I also had no idea about this no contact order. It has been four days and the States Attorney refuses to lift it. I don't want it there. I did get the visit from DCFS. They will not allow him near the kids until he shows that he is making improvement in rehab. THAT I agree with full on. But I WANT to have contact with him. Not so I can tell him "oh honey, I'm sorry all of this happened and everything will be ok." NO. I want to talk this out with him, find out how he's feeling, what he's thinking, tell him "DO YOU GET IT NOW? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS WAKE UP AND GO TO REHAB."...... and on top of it, we still have kids to take care of. I want to be able to start counseling IMMEDIATELY...WITH him as well as him going at his drinking problem alone, for himself. How are we supposed to do that when they have a no contact order with no date of it being lifted? But I guess they believe that we need to wait it out before getting counseling. I say, no time like the present.

Please don't misunderstand me. I know this law was put into place for a VERY good reason. I am also not trying to downplay what my husband has done. I'm just very confused right now. Where are my rights in this situation? I DO NOT WANT THESE CHARGES PRESSED. I know now, unfortunately that there is nothing I can do. Again, what he did was wrong, but the kids.......they want him home. They have cried and whimpered for days now wanting their daddy. That in itself is killing me.

You will think I'm nuts when I tell you this but bear with me. I could care less how much he gets physically pushy with me. I'm a big girl--he's a little guy. Doesn't mean I'm going to beat the snot out of him or hit back..... But it bothers me that the kids saw this one. That is not fair to them in the least.

The thing that makes the least sense to me is this: My last marriage was horrible...he didn't even drink but still thought I need to be choked, punched, have things thrown at me and eventually knocked me out cold. I called the police then, and they did NOTHING. Just told us "you just need to calm down and talk it out"......and LEFT. NOW, I get two minute little scratches on my arm, have charges pressed on my husband that I never asked for and I'm not even allowed to speak to him............I really do not understand that.....

On another note, we were supposed to be moving to Australia soon (my husbands native country). I've been advised he will probably get probation. So my guess is, he can't leave the country while he's on probation? I don't know anything about this. I've never had to deal with the law like this before.

In closing, I'm not walking out on him. He is diabetic.....it is a disease and I wouldn't walk out on him for that anymore than I would walk out on him for this disease...the alcoholism. We love him so very much. He is a very intelligent, decent, caring, loving and responsible husband underneath the alcohol and I am going to stay by him until he finds his way out. HOWEVER.....I'm crazy...not stupid........if he ever touches another drop of alcohol, he will be going home........ALONE.

meli2005

You know he must see consequences for his action. I'm sorrry it all played out this way. Seems like they would ask you if you want to press charges rather than automatically doing it. But you cannot continue on like this, what if he hurts the kids or he hurts you. Is he drinking/driving? This has to have a bad effect on the diabetes. Prayers to you as you deal with this so difficult situation.

I know the alcohol can turn a beautiful, loving person into a real monster.

Welcome.

Ausmerican4

He does know himself that he has to pay the piper and he wants to fix this mess. I really believe him and so do the police and the DCFS worker. He NEVER drank and drove....not once. As far as the diabetes, YES. I fully believe that the alcohol his causing a massive insulin reaction and that is what is making him act out. I have seen him sober and in insulin shock.....and the behavior is identical. Regarding the situation with charges being pressed, it is my understanding that (at least in IL) once you call 911, it's completely out of your hands. You aren't the one pressing charges--the state is so therefore ,you cannot drop them.

I know we can't go on like this.....I wouldn't have called the police if I'd thought otherwise. Doesn't make it any easier though when you miss them so badly

jojo

That law is put in place to keep family from changing their minds either out of fear of retribution or remorse. If the cops make the decision then no one can blame the person that called 911. Did you call because you were afraid? If so, he is where he belongs. If things have been escalating for the past six months then something needed to be done. The cops aren't there to act as intermediaries. They are there to keep you safe. Are you feeling guilt about your participation in the "shoving match"? Where is your husband now? You say you will stick with him but then say if he takes another drink that he goes home alone. What does that mean?

I know that you are upset and scared but perhaps this is for the best right now. Get some counselling for yourself during this separation period. Maybe attend some Alanon meetings. Take the time to figure out what you want because you can't control his drinking. He has to be the one that wants to stop and get his life straightened out. I know that you are worried about your kids but it can't be good for your kids to hear the yelling and see the shoving. You calling the police sends them a message too - that that kind of behavior is unacceptable and that is good for them to know.

Take care, Jo

Ausmerican4

I am much more calm now than when I posted that. I had a chance to talk with my mother-in-law (she is an amazing voice of reason and helped to calm me and think more clearly). Naturally, my emotions are all over the place and it probably wasn't a good idea to post then--thinking is very muddy. I don't have a lot of people to talk to so I tried typing out my frustrations. You are absolutely spot on with everything you said. The law was put in place for a very good reason. After re-reading my first post, I want to start over now that I'm calmed down. I was trying to make sense out of all of this while my emotions were running way too high.

I called 911, not because I was afraid for myself....I didn't realize it until it was too late but my 8 year old saw my husband shove me and the screaming, shouting, yelling and so on....I'd finally had enough. I didn't want him to ever have to see that again and I was furious at myself and my husband and I just wanted the incident to be over with. Am I feeling guilty for my participation in the shoving? Yes, and to take it further, I feel guilty for letting it get that far in the first place. I do realize now this had to be done...it was the first step down a very winding road. I want my husband back... and the kids want their daddy......not the drunken one..it had to be done because it wasn't getting done any other way.

I don't know where my husband is right now (at least staying...I know he is at work at the moment). He bonded out of jail this morning and I know he is staying with one of his friends from work but they won't tell me who.

I do see now how my "if he ever touches another drop of alcohol, he will be going home........ALONE" comment doesn't make much sense. Especially with all of the other times I've said to him "if you drink one more beer"..........all I can calmly and honestly say now is "We can only take this one day at a time."

My MIL called my husband tonight and spoke with him about the situation. He told her that he wants nothing more than to fix this and come home. He said under no circumstances will he make any contact with us against the order or do anything to jeapordize his chances to come home. And most importantly, he just got out of jail today, and will seek counseling tomorrow. His next court date is Feb. 8th and he really wants to prove that he is taking the initiative on his own to heal and rid himself of alcohol. All I can do is wait and have faith in and support him now. I know it's up to him. I should be mad at him but staying mad isn't going to help the situation right now. DCFS has gotten involved because of all of this and NO parent wants to see them on their doorstep. However, the caseworker wound up being a super nice lady and was very eager to help in any way she could. She went to the jail and talked to my husband. She felt he was very sincere in wanting to change and told him, the sooner he gets counseling and shows that he is genuinly changing for the better, the sooner they will let him come home. (The state has the no contact order on me alone.....DCFS itself has a no contact order on me and the kids...so he has two factors that have to decide when he gets to come home). I informed the caseworker myself that I would be seeking counseling for the entire family...seperately and as a whole, ASAP.

I have had several long talks with my son about this and gotten his feelings and explained to him why drinking is bad. I explained to him why dad was in jail. I didn't sugar coat it but tried my best to come down to his level. I told him that we will go and talk with someone that he can tell his feelings to (besides mom) that can try to help all of us feel better. He said "hey, that will be cool mom. I know you don't mean to be angry with each other, you just can't help it sometimes so maybe this will help you to stop being angry." How's THAT for words of inspiration from the one that has suffered the most out of this....amazing........ my eight year old left me smiling, teary-eyed and speechless.

On that note, I should go and try to relax for awhile and push everything from my mind. Thank you for your thoughts thus far and I will always look forward to future comments.

Cynay

Welcome to SR... We are glad you found us....

Im sorry your going through all this, I know how hard it is .... Prayers to you and your family.

In my experience, counceling for the family is a great thing, but my daughter did not respond till she saw consistant and healthy behavior from me. I had to get help for me, I had to put my ex out of my mind (he has his own program to work on) and I NEEDED to take the time and space to do this. It is SO amazing how things come clear when you give yourself the time to think from the head and not the emotion.

I would strongly suggest Al-anon for you as well as counceling.... If nothing else because you will have the support of many people that understand where your at and coming from and you WILL need alot of suport weather your husband drinks or not. The main focus here is to get yourself into a healthy place hon....

I was doing just as crazy of things as my drinking partner... even to the point of drinking too just to stop the emotions. Though my personality does not change like his did, I was on the same downward spirl.... we were not physical "push/shove" but we were saying mean things... and being I even participated in that was proof that I was going just as nuts as he was.

One thing I want to point out.... and remember to take what you like and leave the rest....

Sometimes God has a much different plan then we do, seems to me that maybe your getting some divine intervention.... pay attention to that voice when things are calm and quiet because you may have just gotten what you have been praying for. Maybe not the way you wanted it to happen, but its happening none the less.

Ausmerican4

Sometimes God has a much different plan then we do, seems to me that maybe your getting some divine intervention.... pay attention to that voice when things are calm and quiet because you may have just gotten what you have been praying for. Maybe not the way you wanted it to happen, but its happening none the less.[/QUOTE]




Very wise and comforting words and I thank you greatly for them. You are right...it isn't the way I wanted it to happen but it had to happen somehow.

I cooled my jets severly today. I've done nothing but break down for days and I couldn't take it anymore. In a fit of tears, I called a counseler that was recommended by my attorney and he told me to come and see him NOW. He was absolutely fantastic. I also rang the States Attorney today, simply to profusely and sincerely apologize to her for "going off" on her on Tuesday. She was very appreciative and understood my frustration. I told her we will all take the necessary steps to hopefully prevent anything like this from ever happening again. She said "good girl....we aren't out to get you...and believe it or not, we aren't out to get him. We don't want to see your family torn apart anymore than you do. I'm sorry it had to happen this way but it had to happen somehow." We talked a bit about the no contact order and when it would be lifted. It will be quite some time. Hubby doesn't go back to court until Feb. 8th and she said it is highly unlikely it will be lifted by then but if we have completed a significant amount of individual counseling by that time and the counselers are in agreement, they will lift it and let him come home. And I know now.....that coming home is only the beginning......................

mallowcup

I think there is a special urgency to childrens prayers as God wants them to know He is listening and well able to help them. Your little one will sleep well knowing daddy is safe and getting help. These matters must be taken very seriously as CNN reminds us everyday. Your husband will be facing many emotions in the next few weeks. I think it's best he do that somewhere else. You have set a boundary which you tired to retract. You've come this far, keep going.

jojo

You sound so much better today. I know how horrible it feels because I had to call 911 when my husband lost control. Once the police showed up it was completely out of my hands. They made the decision to take him away and for that, I am grateful. It sounds like you have a plan in place and that will help you through this. Learning to live one day at a time can truly be a lifesaver. Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Jo

Minx1969

Hi Ausmerican and welcome to SR.

I just had to share my experience about alcoholism and diabetes..

My exabf is a type 1 diabetic and I believe has a drinking problem..Reading your post and relating to parts of it, I came to realize that my exbf abuse was not related to alcoholism or the diabetes..in my case he was abusive/angry while sober too..just took some distance for me to recognize that.

I too have seen major insulin reactions but my ex never really acted out..yeah grumpy a little bit but I was able to distinguish between the alcoholism, bad mood and the diabetes (oh yeah..and his personality issues).

It always bothered me that he drank especially with the diabetes KNOWING what it was doing to his health..Alcohol has lots of sugar...

As for the craziness, we too play a part..I think counselling and Alanon are excellent ways for us to learn new behavior patterns..

I was guilty about staying engaged in bad habits (not disengaging from fights etc..). I hope you will use this opportunity to recognize the things about yourself that you need to change..

I went to counselling and Alanon and am no longer in that relationship because in my case, he did note get sober and I realized it was not the type of relationship I wanted in my life..I could handle the diabetes but not the his behavior and his denial..

Keep posting. There's lots of hope here.

PS ..they have Alanon in Australia as well..

Ausmerican4

The anxiety attacks that I have experienced this week have been non-stop. So I made a beeline for a counselor this morning. He helped me to get things off my chest and I did relax a little but I still cried all the way home. The tight feeling in my chest, heart pounding....it still hadn't stopped. I couldn't breath....felt like I was choking. So the next stop I made was to my doctor. I decided I needed some kind of medication to help me get through this. I have taken meds before through difficult sitations and they did help. I got Xanax and for the first time this week, the panic has finally subsided. Another thing that helped a little this evening is that my sister, who works at the same place as my husband, had a long talk with him. She said that he is very genuine and is calling a counselor for himself tomorrow. Long story short, the things he told her were very encouraging to me for the moment, and that did help. He wants to do this for himself first, so that he can make sure this never happens again...he wants to come home but not until he does what is necessary. I guess I just needed to hear it. So yes, I am doing much better now and am going to work on remaining so, for the children and myself.

I have finally accepted that this has happened and it is totally out of my hands. I have spent time meditating, making myself understand that this is NOT my fault. I'm getting there......slowly but surely. I can't get my kids there if I don't.....that helped to "wake me up" as well.

I am finally exhausted and finally want to sleep so I think I shall! Thank you so much. I will be keeping all of you posted.

letterqueen

I live in Florida, my x had a violent episode (never gave me any inclanation of violence in 7 years unil this day)... which ended in a DV arrest. My neighbor (a good friend) called the police. When they arrived I said I just want him to go to rehab (he was scheduled for the next morning so I asked them if they could just take him there now) and they said they weren't a taxi service - he's going to jail. They MADE me write a statement and when I said I refused I was told I had no choice... so I wrote the most benign statement based on the already obvious (5 finger prints on my neck, broken window, furniture upside down).

They took him away and I panicked... he was on probation and this would surely violate him. So I called his attorney who told me to show up at his hearing in the morning (at the jail) and tell the judge I wasn't fraid of him. I did, bond was set and he was released. Looking back now I think it was a mistake... the episode was trivialized and stuffed under the carpet. I reacted as a codie, only thinking about him, making excuses for his behavior... the detox he just came out of 24 hours prior had prescribed a new drug (that should not have been prescribed to a bipolar individual) which he mixed with alcohol upon his release. I wrote a letter to the prosecutor to get him off the charges. Once again, I cleaned up his mess. Out of all the enabling I did back then, this one I regret the most...because there simply is NO EXCUSE for violence.... ever.

Just my opinion but it happened so fast I didn't have enough time to really process the seriousness of the situation and where our relationship was heading (there was no more 'physical' violence after that but the mental/verbal abuse, as well as his alcoholism, escalated. This time apart, for both of you, could be a blessing in disguise. (((take care)))