TomsGirl

My husband's probation violation will be decided tomorrow. Actually I think it's already been decided that he violated it. Tomorrow will be where they decide his punishment. Rehab jail or regular jail. Either way he won't be coming home for a while. I'm good with it. I have to be as it's just what is. I'll be able to leave that court tomorrow still a free person. I'm just another observer is all. But I know I'll be leaving alone.

I miss him. Sometimes I cry. But when the missing part starts to hurt I try and concentrate on what I don't miss ... and the list of things is many.

I don't miss not knowing what I'll come home too.
I don't miss hating to even come home.
I don't miss the smell of the alcohol on him.
I don't miss him stumbling down the hall.
I don't miss staring into those bloodshot, dead eyes.
I don't miss the snoring.
I don't miss the soiled clothes and bedsheets.
And most of all, I don't miss the feeling of hoplessness and helplessness while waiting for his inevitable fall into that deep, dark black hole ... the disappearing ... the wondering ... will he die this time.

I don't know if a different husband will come back to me some day. A sober one I'm sure but will it be one that will stay sober? Who knows but one thing I do know. He will most certainly be coming home to a different wife. Hope he likes me, tough sh%# for him if he doesn't. I sure do know that I like her!!!

cwohio

you go girl! keep growing while he's gone!

TexasGirl

Hi TG,
You always post with such strength and wisdom. I am amazed by your calm during his storm. Best to you.

Cynay

HA... and you know what!

You are the one that has to live with you 100% of the time, so its wonderful that you like her....

*hugs* to you and keep going strong. Let us know what happens.

TomsGirl

Well, my vacation from the daily existance of living with an A has been extended to 7 months. He got one year with three months suspended and he'll spend his 7 months in a rehab jail here in Mass that's known as Howard Street. It's in the western part of the state, near Springfield. I live in Worcester which is central Mass. About an hour or so away. I got some info on it from my manicurist as her brother spent time there. I'll be able to visit and they're contact visits which is nice. The rules there are very strict. If you screw up off to regular jail you go. I'm ok with it and I'm glad he's able to go to that program as opposed to regular jail plus, the judge could have sentenced him up to 2 1/2 years. DUI laws here in Mass sure have gotten tougher. If your A lives in or has reason to drive through Mass be prepared if they get arrested. My husband is getting a years sentence for probation violation on a first offense where there was no accident and/or bodily injury. He just got pulled over for something minor and nabbed for the DUI because the officer could see he was obviously drunk.

He looked like crap. He hasn't shaved at all. I hope they at least have let him bathe. They moved us to a smaller courtroom so they had to bring him through the lobby with all the people there. He wouldn't look at me. But I'm not surprised. Whenever anything happened between us in regards to his drinking he could never look me in the eye. Lots of guilt there for him I know that. I couldn't help myself, I cried when they sentenced him. I couldn't go near him, touch him, talk to him. I went out to the lobby and as they brought him by I said to him "Look at me". He wouldn't. But as they were entering the larger courtroom he turned around and looked at me over all the heads of the people in the lobby. Luckily we're both tall people so we could see each other.

So, seven months. That means he'll get out sometime in August. Crying in my coffee I know (sorry but I don't drink beer lol) but he'll miss our first date anniversay (April 23rd - 7 years), he'll miss my birthday in May, our 6th wedding anniverary on July 22nd. But what's gonna hurt the most are the missed baseball games. You see, he and I share a passion for the Red Sox and we have partial season tickets. Yes, I gone to some games with others when he couldn't go (broken foot last year) but I didn't have much fun. He and I are such die hard fans (he tried out for the REd Sox as a pitcher in 1975) we are superstious too so we had rituals and certain things we always did and all that. For those of you who know baseball and follow it, he and I were at the ALCS game 4 in 2004 in Fenway when they started their 8-game winning streak to the World Series win. Oh well, if he behaves at least he'll be able to attend the games in September we have tickets for.

I love my husband with all my heart but he's also my best friend. When he was a functioning A and not a whacked out drunk fruitloop, he and I always had the best times together. We always had fun. But my best friend is very sick and he's the only one that can make himself better. I miss my best friend a lot but I can go without his company for a while if it means my friend comes back a healthier and more whole person. Seven months to wait ... hell, I waited almost 41 years before he came into my life. I can wait 7 months. But please God, please, I pray the wait will be worthwhile.

Thanks

meli2005

I am sorry you have to go through this. I read thru your list of what you will not miss, could certainly relate to a lot of those and don't blame you one bit ofr not missing those things!!!

Cynay

Thanks for updating us.... Im so sorry you have to go through this... we cant replace your bestfriend but we are here for you!

7 months huh.... well, ok... lets think of things to do in that 7 months so you can be the most beautiful, healthy, happy girl you can be when he comes home. I would help you both I think.

I will start the list. 1. A recovery program for you! 2. A workout program for you!

Hugs... it may not feel like it ... but things will sort themselves out and maybe this is just what he needs.

TomsGirl

I got a call from my husband. He's doing ok. He's under suicide watch but he told me he's not suicidal but they do that because of his history. He told me where the bottles he left behind were so I could throw them out. He asked if I would come visit him this weekend as he probably won't be moved to the rehab jail until next week. I said I would. He then told me not to pay his attorney the second half of his fee for his second dui case. Today's court stuff was for his first dui case. I asked why? He said his attorney wasn't going to do anything on his second dui. I then told my AH that the attorney said today's issue was more serious than his second dui. And besides, what sort of defense does he want his lawyer to present? He's not a magician! During his second dui my ah crossed the middle line, hit another car head on, then proceeded to get out of the car and toss a half full bottle of vodka to the side of the road AND this was witnessed by several people! HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE DEFEND THAT????? Oh, the addict in my husband is most certainly still alive and well! I sure don't miss that part of him. If I was a drinker I sure would have needed one after that phone call! lol

cwohio

I pray that for your 2 also! i think you will find this time alone without the chaos a time to concentrate on you and your recovery.