Responsibility
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
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Responsibility
In what ways am I responsible for my family? What is your definition of responsible? In my family there are links with ebing mature, serious, dilligent and meticulous, with being balance and together, with near perfection. i was often the opposite just to show my "stupid family" how damn irresponsible i could be "ill get killed and raped and take out some people with me, then youll be sorry, then youl see how damn irresponsible i am!" in some cultures kids look after their parents when theyre older, in poor neighbour hoods there is this to a degree too. im lost on what it means to be a responsible person, what i give to my family and loved ones out of altruism, obligation or ingrained guilt or subconscious mainpulation from others. help.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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I don't really understand the question. What exactly do you mean by family, for starters? your parents and siblings? are you an adult? or your spouse and children? makes a huge difference.
Responsibility through subconscious manipulation is dysfunctional. My AH feels responsible for his parents to an excess - I think it was a factor in his being unable to tolerate marriage because it forced some little separation between him and them (even though we lived only 2 miles away from them and he or both of us were over there every single day). That was emotional dependence on the part of all three of them to an unhealthy degree - we're talking about a 50 year old man and his parents! And they feel responsible for him to the point of enabling his alcoholism and fostering immaturity - he acts like a 5 yr old because they treat him like one. Not healthy.
I'd say doing something for someone because you feel like you have to even when they should do it themselves and it's bad for you to do so is not being responsible. Doing for others because you can, and because you care, and because it really is necessary is responsible I guess, but it's soooo easy to confuse enabling and codependence with this! Sometimes being truly responsible means letting someone else fall flat on their face even though you could have prevented it.
For instance my mother lives in a house she can't afford and all my siblings think it's my responsibility to make her payments for her. (Why me?? and not any of them??? who knows? it, and they, are crazy.) I know it's not my responsibility and I have refused to take it on. She has means, she can live within them like everyone else has to. On the other hand a friend has had the responsibility of managing her elderly mother in law dumped in her lap, due to the passing of time and the fact that her husband is an only child - no siblings to share the load. This is a very unfortunate responsibility but not totally unreasonable. Fortunately there seems to be sufficient means for the mother in law to pay her way, but there's still the time and stress involved in looking after her and managing her resources and finding places that will take care of her needs as they change.
Sounds to me like you have a family that's dumping unreasonable, unmet needs on you like mine tried to. What's going on?
Responsibility through subconscious manipulation is dysfunctional. My AH feels responsible for his parents to an excess - I think it was a factor in his being unable to tolerate marriage because it forced some little separation between him and them (even though we lived only 2 miles away from them and he or both of us were over there every single day). That was emotional dependence on the part of all three of them to an unhealthy degree - we're talking about a 50 year old man and his parents! And they feel responsible for him to the point of enabling his alcoholism and fostering immaturity - he acts like a 5 yr old because they treat him like one. Not healthy.
I'd say doing something for someone because you feel like you have to even when they should do it themselves and it's bad for you to do so is not being responsible. Doing for others because you can, and because you care, and because it really is necessary is responsible I guess, but it's soooo easy to confuse enabling and codependence with this! Sometimes being truly responsible means letting someone else fall flat on their face even though you could have prevented it.
For instance my mother lives in a house she can't afford and all my siblings think it's my responsibility to make her payments for her. (Why me?? and not any of them??? who knows? it, and they, are crazy.) I know it's not my responsibility and I have refused to take it on. She has means, she can live within them like everyone else has to. On the other hand a friend has had the responsibility of managing her elderly mother in law dumped in her lap, due to the passing of time and the fact that her husband is an only child - no siblings to share the load. This is a very unfortunate responsibility but not totally unreasonable. Fortunately there seems to be sufficient means for the mother in law to pay her way, but there's still the time and stress involved in looking after her and managing her resources and finding places that will take care of her needs as they change.
Sounds to me like you have a family that's dumping unreasonable, unmet needs on you like mine tried to. What's going on?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
im doing my 4th step and came to be stumped on a question on responsibility, "in what ways am i responsible for my family"? i felt responsible for my mum "if" things would happen. i cant believe its still there, well i can actually. i looked up the dictionary meaning ' as being authoritative over somethings without supervision.'
i think theres a mix up here between being a child and being a parent to my parent and trying to fill their needs so that they could parent me. i am only responsible for myself? am i not responsible to care for loved ones, my mother or sister if they cant ? i shouldnt even worry myself with shite like that! but i dont feel certain over how far my responsibilites are....just me,
i think theres a mix up here between being a child and being a parent to my parent and trying to fill their needs so that they could parent me. i am only responsible for myself? am i not responsible to care for loved ones, my mother or sister if they cant ? i shouldnt even worry myself with shite like that! but i dont feel certain over how far my responsibilites are....just me,
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