new- my husbands recovering but isn't better

Old 01-11-2006, 07:22 PM
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new- my husbands recovering but isn't better

Okay, I am new TONIGHT! So here goes,

My husband of 6 years was addicted to Rx pain meds and he was drinking with the pills. He was doing way more than I knew about. HE LIED and LIED and LIED! This has been going on a year this month. He lost his job because of it. I never knew the 1/2 of it! Then finally in Nov. things got so bad I couldn't trust him with our two little boys (2 and 4yrs). I work as a teacher and he stays home with the boys. SO, I called his parents told them to deal with him, I couldn't babysit him any longer! I kicked him out and told him to go to rehab or leave forever. After two days of "thinking" he went to inpatient for 1 week. He only stayed one week because he thought he was "fixed"
At first he seemed pretty good, he is going to AA and outpatient addication therapy and trying to get better, He really wants to be better.
He was and still is so depressed and he can't seem to get going. We are still on the roller coaster! Some days are good and other days he just sulks all day. I know I should be more understanding but I'm just disappointed things aren't much better. He's been sober 60 days this Friday but if I didn't know better I might guess he's NOT sober; not much has changed. I read an article about Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome (PAWS) which I am sure is the cause of his severe anxiety, acting neurotic, forgetful, disorganized, hiding out in the bedroom for days and messed up sleeping habits. If the PAWS doesn't get better (which the article said it could last 2 months or lifetime) I don't know if I can stick this marriage out. He's lost all my trust and pushed me away with his behavior while high and drunk, I've totally fallen out of love and it isn't coming back!
Anyway, I can't afford counceling and since I found this board I thought this would be a good place to get support from others who've been there done that!
BTW- remember I am NEW, so sorry if I did this post wrong.
THANKS in advance,
Stacey
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:12 PM
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Hi Stacey, good for you coming here and looking for help, your in the right place.

My husband has been in recovery for 13 months. I remember when he went in and I thought when he got home all would be PERFECT, our life would be great, was I wrong. You said he has been sober 60 days, I remember those days. Talk about a roller coaster ride, for both of us.

I describe it this way, my husband got DRY December 2004, he got a little bit sober in March of 2005 and his sobriety really kicked in in Sept. 2005. That is 9 long months. Since Sept. I have seen nothing but growth. Are there still struggles in our marriage, you bet. Are we able to handle them better now, YOU BET.

I guess my first question is are you attending Al anon? If not, you should seek out a group or two and begin attending on a regular basis. It will help you better understand what your husband is going through and how you can deal with things to make things easier for you and how to take care of yourself. It is really important. I can honestly say without Al anon and SR my marriage would not be intact today, it was a very important part of our marriage recovery.

Give it time, as time will heal. If you go read my threads from a year ago, you will see that I was in the same place you are, hurt, confused and very scared. Today because of hard work learning to take care of me and understanding the disease and how recovery from the disease works and what to expect, I am getting healthy and growing within myself minute by minute.

I was told not to make any major decisions about my marriage for one year after he got out of recovery. I thought that was crazy. I knew I was wasting a year of my life. My year will end this Sunday. If you would have ask me six months ago if I was going to remain in the marriage after the year I would have said I doubted it. What do I say today with my "deadline" looming, will I stay in the marriage, YOU BET! I will stay and continue to grow and watch my husband grow. I can change my mind at anytime and that freedom gives me comfort.

Give it more time honey, it sounds like he is trying. Understand this is just as difficult for him, he is confused, hurt, and very afraid, he feels guilt and shame and he is working through all this within himself, just give him time and I bet in time you will start to see the growth if he continues working a program.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and those two beautiful children. Make your life as good as possible and theirs too. Let your hubby have his time, and you take your time. The love will come back, just focus on you and take care of you, the rest will come.

Good Luck and God Bless, I know the road you are traveling is a hard one, but it is worth the trip!!
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:15 PM
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what a beautifully written post HG!
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by cwohio
what a beautifully written post HG!
Thanks CW....been a long time coming, huh! Sure feels good to be here and I sure have a ton of compassion for those just starting the journey. God Bless you all.
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:25 PM
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stacey - read some of HG posts and you will see that by working a program of recovery for yourself that wonderful things can and do happen!
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Old 01-11-2006, 08:48 PM
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Welcome Stacey. You've come to the right place. You'll get plenty of support and understanding from the folks at SR. I know I did.

Wonderful post, HarleyGirl. Glad things are going well for you and your hubby.
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Old 01-11-2006, 10:46 PM
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Welcome Stacey,
You did just fine with your post.
You are dealing with a cunning, insidious disease. It can destroy relationships and marriages as well as the alcoholic.
Please make yourself at home. Read all the stickies at the top of this forum. You are not alone unless you choose to be. We understand as few others can.
Keep posting. Try some al-anon meetings. At least 6 before you decide whether they are for you. Your boys need one healthy parent.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
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Old 01-12-2006, 05:09 AM
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Stacey,

The cure does not come overnight...it takes years...

Keep posting, you have come to the right place.

Dolly
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Old 01-12-2006, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by stacey4
I read this again this morning and wanted to add a couple more things.

HE LIED and LIED and LIED!
YOU SAY THIS IN PAST TENSE. IS HE LYING TO YOU NOW OR HAS THAT BEHAVIOR CHANGED? AT MY VERY FIRST OPEN AA MEETING ONE OF THE A'S SAID HE WAS GOING TO REVEAL A BIG SECRET TO THE AL ANON GROUP, HE WENT ON TO SAY "ALCOHOLICS LIE". THE ENTIRE ROOM ROLLED IN LAUGHTER. IT IS TRUE, THEY LIE, IT IS A SYMPTOM OF THE DISEASE. NOW, IF HE LIED WHEN HE WAS DRINKING BUT THAT BEHAVIOR HAS STOPPED OR IMPROVED GREATLY, LOOK AT IT AS PROGRESS AND GROWTH. I KNOW THE LIES FROM THE PAST ARE EXTREMELY HARD TO LET GO, THE KEY IS TO LOOK AT HIS BEHAVIOR TODAY, IF IT HAS CHANGED OR STARTED TO CHANGE, GIVE IT TIME.

He really wants to be better.
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THIS, THEN PLEASE GIVE HIM A CHANCE. GETTING BETTER TAKES TIME AND 60 DAYS IS ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICE BERG. TAKE EVERYTHING YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND MULTIPLY IT BY 100 FOR HIM. IF HE IS TRYING AND YOU BELIEVE THE STATEMENT YOU MADE ABOVE, JUST BE UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSSIONATE AND HELP HIM BY HELPING YOURSELF.

He was and still is so depressed and he can't seem to get going.
DEPRESSION IN EARLY RECOVERY IS COMMON, VERY COMMON, OR SO I WAS TOLD AND HAVE READ. IT WILL PASS IN TIME. IT PASSES QUICKLY FOR SOME BUT TAKES A LITTLE LONGER FOR OTHERS. TAKES A LONG TIME FOR THAT BRAIN FOG TO CLEAR OUT. LIKE I SAID EARLIER IT TOOK 9 LONG MONTHS FOR MY HUBBY'S FOG TO CLEAR. AGAIN I SAY, GIVE IT TIME.

We are still on the roller coaster! Some days are good and other days he just sulks all day. I know I should be more understanding but I'm just disappointed things aren't much better.
I REMEMBER THE ROLLER COASTER, NOT FUN. ONE DAY IN A DISCUSSION WITH MY RECOVERING HUBBY, I SAID I WAS TIRED OF THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE. HE LOOKED AT ME AND ASK ME IF IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DRIVE A ROLLER COASTER. I SAID NO AND HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT THAT WAS MY PROBLEM, I WAS TRYING TO DRIVE THE ROLLER COASTER AND HE WAS RIGHT. HE TOLD ME TO SCOOT OVER AND ENJOY THE RIDE. IT MADE SENSE TO ME. THE ROLLER COASTER IS GOING TO MAKE ITS TRIP NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY AND CONTROL WHERE IT GOES OR HOW IT GOES. GOD NOW GUIDES MY ROLLER COASTER AND THE RIDE IS GETTING SMOOTHER EVERYDAY.

He's been sober 60 days this Friday
HE IS JUST BEGINNING HONEY, JUST GIVE IT TIME AND WATCH THE GROWTH. YOU WILL BE AMAZED.


He's lost all my trust and pushed me away with his behavior while high and drunk
YOU BET HE DID AND RIGHTLY SO!!! BUT....HE IS TRYING TO EARN IT BACK NOW, ARE YOU WILLING TO LET HIM. TRUST DOESN'T COME IN 60 DAYS, IT WILL COME BACK OVER MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS. I REMEMBER WANTING EVERYTHING TO BE "OK" IMMEDIATELY. WELL, SADLY, THAT WON'T HAPPEN. I WORKED HARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. I WAS MAKING MY SELF CRAZY. THE HARDER I TRIED TO "FORCE" MYSELF TO TRUST HIM, THE WORSE IT WAS. MY PROBLEM WAS COMPOUNDED BY MY HUSBAND CONTINUING TO LIE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AFTER HIS RECOVERY STARTED. I AM NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED WITH HIM OR IF SOMEONE IN A MEETING OR COUNSELING SAID SOMETHING, BUT I DO REMEMBER THE DAY I CAUGHT HIM TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMETHING I WAS SURE HE WOULD LIE ABOUT...IT WAS A BREAK THROUGH FOR BOTH OF US.
THE TRUST HAS TO BE EARNED. I REMEMBER A COUNSELOR TELLING ME I TRUSTED HIM A LITTLE AND I REMARKED I DIDN'T TRUST HIM ANY FARTHER THAN I COULD THROW HIM. HE SAID YES YOU DO, I KNOW YOU DO. I ASK HOW AND HE REMARKED "YOUR STILL HERE." HE WAS RIGHT IF I HAD NO TRUST IN HIM AND HIS DESIRE FOR RECOVERY I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE. YOU, MY FRIEND, DO HAVE SOME TRUST BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL WITH HIM! HANG ON TO THAT LITTLE BIT OF TRUST YOU HAVE AND WATCH IT GROW OVER TIME. IF HE CONTINUES IN RECOVERY, IT WILL GROW, I PROMISE.


I've totally fallen out of love and it isn't coming back!
YOU STILL HAVE LOVE FOR HIM. HOW DO I KNOW? YOU ARE STILL THERE AND YOU ARE ON HERE ASKING QUESTIONS AND SHOWING A GREAT DEAL OF CONCERN FOR YOU HUSBAND. WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE TODAY INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AND YOU MAY FIND A LITTLE SERENITY.

Anyway, I can't afford counceling and since I found this board I thought this would be a good place to get support from others who've been there done that!
AL ANON IS FREE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW UP. THERE IS SUPPORT THERE AND EVERYONE THERE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND YOUR STRUGGLES.
Stacey
STACEY, JUST GIVE IT MORE TIME, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND TRY AND LOOK AT THE POSITIVE SIDE OF THINGS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. THERE IS A GOOD LIGHT AROUND YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, SEE IT IF YOU CAN.
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Old 01-12-2006, 08:38 AM
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Hi Stacey,

I know that being patient is really hard to do. It is my biggest obstacle. But after I read HG's post, I have renewed hope for my relationship. **HG that was a great post.**

It has been a very difficult six weeks since my AH came out of recovery. We have good days and bad days. The good are nice and the bad push all of my insecurity and trust buttons. In other words, they are hell. But I am hanging in there and can see that things are getting better, VERY SLOWLY.

I have changed my thinking on the timetable I had in my head when he got out. I thought we would reconcile and he would move back in in a month or two. I now realize that I need to adjust to a much slower pace. I am thinking in terms of years, not months.

Given my new realizations about the process of recovery, I have shifted the focus more to me. I am attending Al-Anon meetings regularly (one week now), and am trying to identify things that I like to do again. I somehow lost that during the past few years. I hope that it will help me stay centered and put some fun back into my life.

This is a good forum, so please keep posting. It helps to feel like you're not alone.
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Old 01-12-2006, 08:43 AM
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Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.

HG that was an amazing post.... thank you

It can happen, with hard work and time... hang in there!
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