teethgrinder

I could really use some quick advice. My husband, who is now on involuntary med. leave from work (or so he says) was committing verbally to get help. Went to an appointment with a counselor yesterday. Came home ticked off that she recommended inpatient. Hates AA. Also smelled like alcohol last night, know he had been drinking. Today he decided to spend the day at his parents' farm to relax and help them out. Would have been a great idea had he not stopped and bought that vodka and drank the entire 1/5 on the way home.
I am scheduled to go out of town Friday at 5am for work until Sunday. Clearly can't leave my children with their dad and I don't know what to do.
Told my AH, in his drunkeness, that he needed to pack and decide if he wants me to take him to inpatient or somewhere else, but he can't stay here. I told him to give me his checkbooks and credit cards because I cannot afford him anymore and to give me the car keys because the car is in my name. He is now downstairs deciding what to do.

I swear if he doesn't leave I will go to my parents but he really should go. They kids don't need to be uprooted because of him.

Did I handle this correctly? What should I do next? I have been praying for strength and the ability to handle this the right way. Please help me.

Thank you.

Cynay

Find an Al-anon meeting and get some support for this drama. Sounds like you have set your boundries, now the hard part is sticking to them...

Maybe call and see if the parents can help you with watching the children while your away.

Right now just focus on ONE thing at a time, once that thing is done, focus on the next.

*hugs* sorry you are going through all this, Dont fight with an active A either... it really does no good and will only frustrate you.

splendra

You sound pretty clear to me. It sounds like you are not trying to pull any punches. I agree that it would be difficult to uproot the kids and that they need to be considered in all of this. However you also need to do what is best for you first. Can you take the kids to your parents while you work?

FriendofBill

whenever giving an ultimatum, you must be 100% committed to fulfilling the outcome if he doesnt give in to your ultimatum.

Did you give him a choice, rehab or get out? If he choses to do neither, did you think thru what you would do in that case?

Gotta always have your plans firm and clear in your own mind. Otherwise, our words are worthless.

Ask yourself: Whats the worse that canhappen if I move to parents with kids? Talk it over with yourself and see if you can tolerate that "worse" situation. If you can live with it, but maybe only for 1 week, 4 days, 8 months,,,set a time limit and at the end of the time, you will see where you and husband are at that point. Reevaluate it then.

One day at a time.....good luck!

mythreesons

I gave my husband that same ultimatum. Now he is in rehab, but I am unfortunately left to question the motive. Either way it is a good thing, for you (us) to make up our minds and stick to our guns. I wish you luck and hope that you can hold steadfast to the boundries you set for yourself and your children. Everyone here talk about "Codependent No More" I am half way through it and finding it a gem! I hope you take their advice and get your hands on a copy. Glad I did.

reader

I think you handled the situation really well. I know a decision like this must not be easy but do what is best for u and the kids. Like FOB suggested I think having a Plan B in mind is a good idea in case he doesn't make this easy for u. I aggree with u you should stay in the home the kids are use to. Aside from their comfort level it is just more practical for him to leave or go to rehab. Moving a family is much more difficult than 1 person. Prayers out to you and the family, I hope he will see the light soon. Stick to your guns!! With Love,

teethgrinder

I could absolutely depend on my parents, if they were here. They are in their other home in Florida. His parents are wonderful but much, much older and I don't think they can handle it.

I just got off the phone with my friend and neighbor. She can take the kids tonight for awhile if I take him to inpatient/detox.

I am probably going to have to cancel my out of town trip but I am beyond angry about that. This is my career now and if it gets screwed up because of him how am I going to support my family?

Thank you for your assistance and responses.

scorpiowife

i can't stress enough the importance of following through with what we say.
i have learned the hard way that when we don't , they use it to their advantage. it's what they do (read sticky: what addict's do -in the nar-anon forum).i played the ultimatum game for two years and i can tell you from experience it doesn't get any easier. even if they choose rehab they have to be willing to change because"nothing changes if nothing changes" i agree with mythreesons i too question the motive. they will get better when and if it is right for them and if you can no longer live with the waiting (which i can't blame you) you need to do what's best for you and your kids.
stay strong and stick to your guns.

teethgrinder

I'm not worried about my ability to follow through. That will happen, I'm finished with looking at this day in and out. Especially now that he isn't going to work. I'll be damned if I'm going to take care of the house, kids, job while he sits at home and gets trashed and feels sorry for himself. I'm only 36 years old. No way, I don't need this.

My biggest problem now is trying to deal with my business trip and children. I don't want them to feel deserted, I can't leave unless I have someone who can care for them. Who in the world can cover for me when I'm scheduled to leave the house at 4:30 am on Friday am? I'm certainly not comfortable asking this.

I hate him right now.

teethgrinder

Do I wait for him to sober up to push? He asked me to give him 1 hour to decide what he wants to do. That was about an hour ago. Do I go back down there and push him or is that stupid and I should wait until he's sober?

I don't want him to wait. I want him to go NOW.

minnie

"Right, you've had your hour. What's your decision?"

scorpiowife

i agree!
and if i lived in ohio i'd help you out with the kids!
keep us posted.
my prayers are with you!

meli2005

I think you have handled it fine. You can't afford anything more with him out of work. and he doesn't need to be drinking/driving which can lead to a whole new host of add'l problems.

mythreesons

Call the hotel you are staying at see if they have nannies available, a lot do, especially if it is a touristy type city. Or a nanny service in the area with on hand references.

teethgrinder

Ok, called the treatment center (in the hospital). The only way to get him in tonight is through the ER. She told us to call at 8am, they already have his assessment from yesterdays appt. and they can take him directly. My neighbor will watch my youngest in the AM before kindergarten.

I sat my kids down (9 and 6) and explained to them what was wrong with daddy. Heartbreaking. Friday is "Dad's night" at school and my oldest had tears in his eyes when I said Daddy couldn't go.

Still have no idea about my trip. Should I call my inlaws and see if they can help out or do I cancel my trip and stay here?

I want the answers to be laid out for me, clear and concise. I hate indecision- I'm just so tired!

teethgrinder

AH surfaced briefly from the basement to hand me a ticket he got earlier this morning. Woo Hoo, the day keeps getting better. Told him I couldn't believe he got stopped and didn't get a DUI. AH's response "Good thing he didn't look under the seat" and with that he disappeared back into the basement. Why do they have to be so expensive on top of everything else?

Packed some of his stuff tonight for the trip to inpatient. Last time he went they kept him 2 days and sent him home because we didn't have insurance. Now that we have insurance they better keep him. I don't know what I'm going to do when it's time for him to come home. I think we need some time and a bit of a sober track record before I'm ready for him to live here again.

I will try to focus on one problem at a time, one moment at a time.

Back to teethgrinding

reader

Hi again, all I can say is "One day at a time". Don't borrow trouble, worry about when he will get out when it happens. Plans are good, don't get me wrong, but u have been through enough stress in the last few days. Hugs and prayers out to u!!!!!

dollydo

I would suggest you open a new checking account in your name only or perhaps with one of your parents...A's are very cunning...

As for your children, will your parents keep them for a few days...that's not uprooting them, visits with grandparents can be fun...

Obsessing over what he will or won't do will go nowhere, all you are doing is keeping you in an emotional prison.

Take one day at a time, stick to your boundries.

Dolly