OnceNice

Well, here I am again. I'm at work. Tired and exhausted. I have to stop my nightly ritual of drinking and smoking cigarettes. I'm so tired this week. I seem to be especially bad since my doctor put me on antidepressants. Has anyone every heard of drinking more while on antidepessants? I know its dangerous to drink on them. I've got to stop. I just go crazy at home, but I'm afraid to go out. The only place I go is work. Then straight home. When I leave the house I get really nervous and then I want to drink. When I stay home, I want to drink. When I light a cigarette, I want to drink. When I'm not drinking, I think. I think so much and so crazy sometimes I just can't stand being inside myself. I'm having a hard time a work lately. I just can't concentrate on anything. I need to overcome this fear of other people. I need to quit worrying about what they think. How can I stop drinking without the help of others. And if I'm afraid of them, what do I do.

I come from a really large family. My older brother isn't talking to me. He hasn't drank in over 25 years. Not with the help of anything but himself. He has decided he will not speak with me until I get sober. I never bothered him drunk. It makes me want to drink more. Isn't that silly. I don't want to get sober just cause he won't speak to me and I keep drinking just to prove to him I can. I just want to not think about him. How do you all not think. And has anyone been afraid of others. How did you get yourself to be around other nondrinkers if you always worried about what they thought.

I'm babbling. Sorry.

best

By accepting the true to life fact.... Other people are to busy thinking their own thoughts that they don't have time to think what we think they may be thinking.

besides... I don't care what other people think. That is their problem not mine.

Sugasnaps

Hey Oncenice,

It is so good to see you here.

I think one thing you can do is come up with a plan. Something to give yourself to focus on other than "where your head" is at. I have been where you are... so down and feeling so low. Down on myself, down on my situation, down down down. It was like I was wallowing in my self-pity and self-degradation I couldn't see my way out of it. I do know that drinking while on anti-depressants is not a good thing. Really, not a good thing. To get my mind off of my own crap I looked to reading. It helped me a ton and the book that I read is The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukov. For my own reasons... it has helped me a ton. Maybe you can find something to read and focus on rather than sitting in your own mind's soup - find something else to stimulate your brain.

I've been going to AA meetings the past 2 weeks and it has helped me in a number of ways. Firstly, that I'm not alone or unique in my addiction to alcohol. My story is so similar to soooo many other people out there. It was humbling and wonderful at the same time to realize that I am really not alone. I was so worried about the "God" part of the AA program. I'm not a super religious person. It wasn't like that at all. I'm still not a "Godhead" but I have grown in a spiritual way that I didn't expect. Simply by exploring myself and being open to my own beliefs - once I figured out what they are. Secondly, in going to AA it has forced me to get out and socialize. The meetings are a social event in a big way. I've met some really cool people so far. Some I feel a kindredship towards and some that I don't.

I've found that the people who tell their stories at the meetings also give me something else to think about other than my own crap. It's a nice break from myself.

As for how do I not drink? I got to the place where I don't want to be the person I had become because of my drinking alcohol. I didn't like me anymore. I didn't remember things I had done or said while drinking. I felt deep down inside... I'm a good person, a smart person, what the HELL am I doing to myself? I got to my own point of saturation where it wasn't acceptable to me... to be like I was anylonger. I don't drink today (44 days sober) by keeping busy... by posting here on SR... by talking about my problem with others... and by relating to others stories. I do get the urge to drink still... but it is lessening. Some days it is worse than others. My first 2 weeks were the worst. I wanted to so badly but I didn't. I just kept repeating to myself that the urge to drink was my alcoholism talking... NOT me... and that only I can make the choice to not drink.

As for hanging around non-drinkers... all the alcoholics I know now are non-drinkers and they are super easy to hang out with. As far as what they think of me... it's no worse than what they have thought of themselves.

Hang in there

Suga

OnceNice

Thanks for all of your responses. Sorry if I don't respond sooner. I'm at work so I have to stop sometimes. I know my life is unmanageable. I can't stand myself this way. But I'm so afraid of being alone in my head. I've spent so much money on counselors, shrinks, and meds. I know that drinking is a big part of it. My family all drinks. My father died of drinking and my mother denies it. I'm really negative, which is why I'm afraid to be on here. You all are so positive. If I get on your nerves because I'm negative I apologize now. I just truly and honestly see no hope. I've been told that my depression is chronic, and that the drinking needs to stop before I end up hurting myself. My older brother killed himself years ago (not a drinker). I guess that's why they are afraid. I can really understand why all of these things are hereditary. Depression and drinking. Its all over my family. I don't even do anything drunk. I just sit in a chair. Go no where and drink. Its a shame.

In memory of miracle

((( Nice )))
Alot of us feel that way when we come in...take a leap of faith.

daddysgirl29

Nah, you don't get on my nerves. At least you're sharing and not keeping it all bottled up! Believe me when I say that we've all been there. EVERYONE has their own story, and it's true that whenever you think that you have it bad, there is someone who has had it even worse. Try to think about the positives in your life. You've made a HUGE step to stop drinking - that's great! I know you're scared and feeling alone - so did I (we all did!) But coming here gave me the strength and hopefully you, too, to reach out. I got the help I needed and life is beautiful now. NO DAY drunk beat any day that I've had sober. Not one. Try to think positive. Get your hands on some good affirmation books, and if you have one, pray to your Higher Power.

Sending good vibes your way,
DG

OnceNice

Okay. I'm really going to try not to drink tonight. I'm going to go home, take a shower, and make me something good to eat. I never eat anything anymore. And when I do eat its just junk. I really feel like some fruit, but as soon as I walk in the store I'm afraid that craving will change.

Okay. So Today I'm not going to Drink. I'll let you know how I did tomorrow.
I don't have a computer at home so its gonna be tough.

janeeyre

OnceNice,

You said your drinking seems worse since your doc put you on antidepressants. Plus you seem to have anxiety issues--did you have the anxiety as much before these particular antidepressants? Hmm. Maybe your doc needs to adjust the meds...? Perhaps that'd help you to better deal with the alcohol issues. (just an idea...)

I feel for you!
Jane

OnceNice

Thanks Jane, I see the doctor next Wed. The antidepressants help my anxiety. Its weird. I drink to medicate myself To forget to make my anxiety go away. The antidepressants helpd that, but Its like since I've been on them, I crave the alcohol more. I don't know. I don't understand it myself.
But like I said. Tonight I'm really gonna try not to drink one drop. At this moment there is nothing in the house. I just have to go straight home.

BSPGirl

Good luck on this night sober! Hmm it does seem like you need to address this issue to your doc that you feel these meds make you crave for alcohol more, everyone reacts differently to meds and sometimes you just need to try other meds. You are trying to get better and talking about it as someone mentioned already, that's worth a lot, imo.

splendra

These are the kinds of thoughts I had to really work on weeding out. The ever present excuses....When I started taking responsibility for my drinking and in that I mean I got real with myself and realized that nobody was forcing my hand. I took myself to the liquor store pulled out my wallet, and put the bottle to my lips nobody else did this for me. I also drove myself to the bar...when I stopped blaming others for how I felt I began to feel better too.

OnceNice

Splendra, my thinking is just the worst. That's my biggest problem. Thinking and justifying things in my head. Analyzing every little thing. Then getting upset and mad over things that I have no control over or something so long ago no one even cares about it anymore. Then I run it round and round in my head till I just end up having that drink. And there is one thing I heard on this forum that I truly believe. The first drink is the worst. It really is what gets me going. I just have to stay away tonight. I've got to. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my mind of like a radio or televesion it would be easier. Thanks all

janeeyre

OnceNice,

I've known the feeling--just wishing there was an "off" switch in your brain so you could make your thoughts quit racing! That's so hard.

Well, I'm glad you don't have any alcohol at home right now. Try getting yourself focused on something when you get home--anything relatively positive. Have yourself a good supper, then maybe watch a DVD or video, or read a good book. And try having a glass of juice/water/milk anything besides alcohol or caffeine in your hand all evening. Keep drinking that stuff instead. Chamomile tea is relaxing for me.

I'll be thinking of you

Jane

ASH

Hi Once,
I will be thinking about you tonight, try to eat soon that helps me lots....
You can do this

Pick-a-name

OnceNice: I think your name is wrong; you are "still nice" as far as I can tell!
Hope things are going better for yu!

2dayzmuse

Anxiety and drinking is a viscious circle. I would drink to relieve the anxiety only to have it return tenfold the next day. Alcohol creates anxiety, especially after coming off of a big bout of drinking. Drinking while taking anti-depressants will interfere with the how the pill is intended to work. You will never really know how well the drug is working unless you quit drinking. I wish you the best in fighting the battle. You can get pass this. Many of us have by learning from others that have trudged the path before us.

Chy

Hi Once Nice,
Sorry I've been scarce and not been able to reply but I just wanted to lend some support. I saw your goodbye thread and had to see what had made you feel so unwelcome. Your very sad aren't you? I see your already isolating and have no life other then work and the secret life you lead once home.... been there.

You'll quit when your really ready, not because I said so, because people scoff, but when your ready. That's how it happens. You've beaten yourself up quite well with the shame stick and you have to know so long as you keep drinking you'll feel worse each day. I'm betting your scared as hell of sobriety. You've gotten so used to your home routine you'll go mad with alone time without the beer right? That's where you have to do the near impossible. Force yourself to do things, make changes, find new interests. I'm not exagerating when I say FORCE yourself, cuz it's damn hard doing that.

Now I don't think you need the AD's at all. I think when you quit you'll find you don't need them. You'll find that depression is physiological reality for us alcoholics. Alcohol increases, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and more. You could be doing major harm though thaking them while drinking. You think your head is messed up now? Keep drinking and taking those AD's, it will really ** with you.

If a magic wand was shaken over you and you weren't an active alcoholic and you had found the courage to quit, what would you see in your future?