TexasGirl

Well, last night I officially pulled a psycho. Justified or injustified, it was out of control.

When my H says he's going to the bar, somehow I have removed all my feelings about that. I just say whatever, watch TV, go to bed, and not worry too much. Last night was a different story.

He left to go return a movie for our $1.00 credit (not unusual) and didn't show back up. I figured he'd pit stopped, and sure enough, he was courteous enough to call an hour later and say he'd stopped at a bar (liked the band...uh huh). Whatever. Well, a little later, I wanted to go get a newspaper (honest). I never do this, but I decided to drive by the bar and make sure he was still parked outside. If I knew he was there, I would know nothing had happened thus far, and I could sleep OK.

This is a nice bar in a historic building downtown. It has big beautiful windows, and it is not dark or smoky or anything. So I could see clearly inside. It was dead (hello...it's a Sunday!), and he was sitting right beside some really cute girl. He had his bar stool turned sideways so he was looking right toward her, close, leaning in, with no one anywhere near them. You know, talking isn't a crime, and he did grow up here, so there's a chance he might have known her, but regardless of any of that, I interpreted that he would rather sit at some bar talking to strange women than be with me. I knew better than to embarrass myself by roaring in there...so I called instead (not much better, I know). He didn't answer. Called again, same thing. Now I had circled the block again and was back in front. She was heading to the bathroom, so I called again. Guess what? He answers now!!! So I proceeded to yell and scream and tell him I hated him and that he was a drunk and that I was divorcing him. It wasn't pretty. I finally understood that "make yourself crazy" stuff. I'd never experienced that before. I was crazy. Usually I'm calm. I guess I can handle the drinking thing, but not the girl thing. You know, I don't know what I thought he did at the bar!!! I hauled it home and locked myself in the bedroom. Four hours later, I heard him open the front door, but he passed out on the couch.

This morning, he was talking to me, and I was ignoring him. He asked why I was mad at him. I didn't say. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry I went to the bar." You guys, he really didn't know. It really was becoming quite sad.

I really do hate this whole situation. It's weird...I really can detach from the drinking with no problem...cute girls are a whole other issue. The point of all this mumbo jumbo is that I am down today.

minnie

(((TG)))

It is very rarely just about the drinking, is it? All the other crap that very often goes with it is what kills relationships.

Are things any clearer now?

sarah25

YES! Minnie you are right!!!!! Oh TG...reading your post makes my blood boil!! I KNOW THAT FEELING SO WELL!!!! ugh....they make me so angry....it is so much more than alcohol, it is betrayal, weather they cheat, lie whatever...on so many levels it hurts.
Your post jst reminds me so much of me, my A wouldn't come home at night, I remember one morning about 5am after not sleeping a wink when he was supposed to be home after work the night before at 9pm....chasing the milk dilievery man down the driveway in the rain thinking it was him trying to get in when the door was locked! I stood in the driveway crying when I realised how stupid I felt...chasing the milkman. Sleepless nights.

TexasGirl

Minnie, I wish I could say that I have some amazing clarity now. I want to tell you that. I've already started telling myself the excuses he would give me, and I haven't even heard them yet! What is wrong with me? Why do I accept the unacceptable???? Maybe I'll make another counseling appointment. But as nice as she is, she tries to help me draw my own conclusions. That's her job, but I think I need someone to tell me every single day that this is unacceptable and that I need to keep working on leaving. I know it deep in the back of my brain, but I tend to bury it.

GettingBy

Hugs to you TG... dealing with the drinking is very tough, and you're right... cute girls only add insult to injury.

One question, why didn't you tell him the truth? Why didn't you tell him why you were mad? I know for me, when I found things out about my husband by snooping on him, I was often times very embarassed to admit how I found things out. So I would sit on things and let them fester, rather than bringing it out in the open and dealing with it. The truth always set me free, embarassing or not.

You've been looking for reasons to go. Have you found it yet? Be gentle with yourself today. Plan something to pamper you tonight after work, okay?

Hugs,
Shannon

TexasGirl

See, I think this is my first experience with this really. I've just ignored his drinking when he goes out. Again, I don't know what I thought he did at the bar!!!

Cynay

*hugs*

Sorry you saw that, I know you have been searching lately.... maybe your finding what your searching for.

It's all part of the same I guess, the actions that just dont hold true. He may be blowing it off or possibly he really does not remember.

sarah25

TG....maybe I'm jaded from past experiance, I dunno, well, yes I do and I am! but you do know what you THINK he was doing, don't you? You are stronger than me, I would've been out of that car shouting the odds for all to hear! How would HE feel if the tables were turned? And would you be sitting that close, ignoring your phone etc. if all was innocent? And anyway, he went to return a movie! I wanna reach in the computer and throttle him myself!! LOL

Jazzman

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasGirl

Again, I don't know what I thought he did at the bar!!!

Well now you know don't you....<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

TG, my ex was a very attractive woman, the kind that would turn heads where ever she went. When she started stopping at the bar for a drink on the way home from work, (only two, right?) I knew exactly what was going on. She was a big time flirt and loved all the attention from the men. It was the only attention she ever got that made her feel good about herself. <o:p></o:p>

What a person does at a bar is dependant on two scenarios. If you go with friends your out to have a good time with your friends. If you go alone your out to get drunk and flirt, or flirt and get drunk, doesn't really matter what order. I have never gone to a bar by myself and I would never trust anyone who did. <o:p></o:p>

Maybe this was a sign you needed to see.<o:p></o:p>

minnie

TG, hon, I have a question for you. How would you feel if he spent so many evenings at the bar, if he was drinking spring water?

You see, if I was married to someone and they spent almost half their spare time during the week "doing their thing", whether in a bar or playing football, then I wouldn't be happy. Not that I would want them with ME all the time, but all that focus elsewhere is time not spent focussing on the relationship and associated responsibilities. Nowt to do with drinking, and all about being on the same page in life.

minnie

Oh, and do you actually KNOW what your dealbreakers are?

I thought I did, but they were not clear enough for me to know instantly when they had been broken and I could be talked out of them by a skilled manipulator. Once I had them figured out, life became a lot simpler.

sarah25

Minnie you are full of wisdom this morning! Today is my A's day off...where is he? At his buddies in the neighbouring town smoking weed. Where am I? Stuck inside with the kids in the middle of a snow storm, no car and watching 'a dating story'. Prolly won't see him today.

Jazzman

OK.. then in my experience....

cupowater

Oh ((((((((((TG))))))))))) I'm so sorry. Now I feel bad about the e-mail I sent about MY SO going to the bar last night!

To comment on what Jazzman said:


My SO goes to the bar alone all the time. I really don't think there is "something" going on. (but I would never say never) He goes there because that is where his drinking buddies are, or so he can smoke while he drinks, and because its within walking distance. I don't know.

CatsTail

Texasgirl,

Maybe it's true what Minnie says that you aren't clear on dealbreakers. And it doesn't matter if he remembers or not sitting byside that girl, it's still unacceptable behavior.

I'd probably confront him with it as to why you are upset.

Maybe it will help you to listen to his nonsense about it.

Sorry you are upset.


Ngaire

Gabe

Okay TG, you had a meltdown.
You're entitled.
We're all human and we all lose it from time to time.
The question is, now what?
I like what Jazz said, maybe this was something you needed to see.
And what Minnie said, what are your deal breakers?
What can you live with, and what do you refuse to live with?
I don't know about you, but if he's my guy...I'm never going to think about him in a bar without wondering if he's making time with some bar flooze.
Give yourself some time to get over the hurt and then start thinking about where you go from here.

TexasGirl

Several of you asked questions, and I hate not to speak to each. Here’s a short (hopefully) reply…

I didn’t tell him for one reason, and it’s a bad one. It felt good to have something over him in a way. Now that I’m calming down, thanks to many of the posts, I am preparing to discuss everything rationally this evening.

How would he feel if I did that? Great point! Terrible, that’s for sure! I get that there has to be a line of trust in a relationship and that we don’t have to not speak to anyone of the opposite sex again. But then again, I would not put myself in that situation of going out alone. That’s not how spouses act. Yes, there will be a girl’s night sometime, or a bachelor party another, but those are with friends and exceptions not the rule.

Minnie, what a great analogy with the spring water! Yes, I would still be irritated if he drank water and did certain things. How intriguing! You, Ngaire & Gabe all mentioned dealbreakers…I guess I’ve never laid out real dealbreakers. I think I believed that since we were marrying, there were no longer such things. In previous relationships, I always ended them because I just didn’t like the guy anymore. I think that is a good start to establish what I will and won’t take.

So many of you alluded to the fact that I have been seeking something. I think in a way it was good to see that. I have avoided finding out about at least some bad behaviors all in the name of detachment, as in not checking up on him.

Your support has cheered me up! It’s great to have friends, whether in person or online! Thanks y’all!

minnie

Hon, to me dealbreakers are the real sharp end of boundaries. They are the absolute bottom line, they do this and I'm out of here. We've all got them, but sometimes we need to define then for ourselves. I'm not even sure they have to be communicated - I wouldn't want to think my SO was not doing something out of fear that I would leave. I would rather that he was the kind of guy who wouldn't do that stuff anyway.

And I found in my relationship with R that when he did something that was one of my subconscious dealbreakers, that was when I had that deep sense of disquiet that no amount of talking and action on his part could dispell. That's why they are called deal-breakers. It takes more that I am prepared to give to get over one of those.

Minx1969

Hey TG -

Don't beat yourself up..you are only human..I don't have too much more to add since you've already gotten expert advice from the wonderful people on this board..

One thing about me though..I kept making excuses for my most recent exABF...He's a musician, it's part of the scene..blah blah blah..

I remember a call that came at 1 am from some bar fly that wanted him to go out and party..He told her no..she called again..he FINALLY told her he was with his girlfriend..she didn't call again..

I didn't say a word until he looked at me and said, are you mad?

I very calmly said (and set a boundary): when you are here at home with me, you will not take any calls after 10 pm..

he got it..never took any calls late at night again.

The thing is: today that behavior (being with someone who even thinks that is acceptable behavior) would totally be foreign to me..

minnie is right..it is so much easier to be with someone that doesn't even think that way drunk or not..

My bf today has so much integrity (more then me it appears..he's already had integrity..I'm acquiring my values and morals again..

I seem to have discarded them oh so casually in my past..

I know this is painful for you..but just keep hanging in there..

CatsTail

I like what Minie said there are some dealbreakers that don't need to be spelled out. Slurping over some woman in a bar would be one of them for me.

Ngaire