Ensomniac

I've tried giving up drugs (of almost every kind) and failed more times than I can remember.

I've "progressed" from being a long time heroin user, to Methadone, then to Physeptone tablets, which I would crush and inject, anywhere from 10 to 80 (10mg tabs) a day.

Today is my 21st day of cold turkey, and my last dose was 60 tabs.

I haven't slept longer than 2 hours every week, and I want to die. I know I'm not even half way yet.

When I do sleep, I dream of not being sick, and suddenly wake up in a pile of my own filth and suffering severe panic attacks.

I wish I'd never heard of Methadone or Physeptone. I've detoxed from heroin, and compared to this, it's a walk in the park.

Before I started cold turkey, I filled my house up with food, and have basically locked myself in for 3 weeks.

If I go out in my yard, my eyes sting from the sun.

If I stay in the house I feel like hanging myself. I don't have the energy to even go for a walk, shower or make a cuppa.

Then I turn on the radio, and hear an idiot talking about addicts and saying that going through cold turkey is like having a bad flu!

Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing, it doesn't feel like it?

In memory of miracle

Oh wow...I feel for you. Been through that a time or two myself. I am really sorry that you are suffering. Is there a doctor you can see? One who knows about addiction?
On the other hand you have found a great place for help, hope and support. Stick around! Welcome.
Prayers to you...
Trish

Anna

You can get through this awful time and move forward. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

grateful2bsober

Dear ensomnimac, Unfortunately, Ive been there and done that ,more times than I'd like to share. Why don't you go to a detox? Is that possible? Or some type of inpatient place, where you can get some extra help and encouragement. Everyone is different, but I know locking myself in didn't work. Addicts are very resilant and when you think you've exhausted all options to cop, there comes a a way. What I'm saying is, it's so incredibly difficult-if not impossible-to do with sheer willpower. I truly hope you succeed but if not--why not try something different. Like a program, halfway house, detox...sh*t anything besides doing it alone. I feel your pain , honestly, but if you do hang on,eventually, it will get better! I know it easier said then done! Remember-nothing can last forever-THIS TOO SHALL PASS! That helps me alot, when I think I can't hang on another minute. I'd like to tell you I did it but I am on a methadone clinic at this time.(currently detoxiing) Is that an option for you? Although I wouldn't reccomend it-it should be a LAST RESORT. I had to go on it because I was pregnant, or believe me, I wouldn't have. And although I have changed my life INCREDIBLY while on it, my goal is to get off, which I've been doing since my baby was born, I have 18 months clean because of it. Well I hope you see you are not alone, there are people who understand and are here for you, if you'd like send me a pm and maybe we can get throgh this together!

sherbear5104

Welcome Ensomniac. I agree with the others. I feel for you, also. You asked if you are doing the right think. I think so. I know it is hard now, and you feel like crap. We've all been there. Some of us, more times than others. It gets better. It's definately worth it. I will keep you in my prayers and look forward to hearing more of how you're doing.

grumpy_b05

Hi Ensomniac!
You are absolutley doing the right thing your staying clean! I know your feeling like crud but just hang in there. Keep taking it One Day at a time and you will get through this. I am so proud of you, keep up the great work!

Ensomniac

Thanks for the kind words and support everyone, it really helps.

I can handle most of the symptoms (just), but not sleeping prolongs the agony and magnifies everything else.

My body is exhausted and wants to, but my brain won't let me.

I decided to do it at home because I can't stand detox centres, or slowing weaning myself off it.

This is the best I've ever done, and I keep reminding myself that it took me 20 YRS to get to this stage, so it won't happen overnight.

I know I need to do this or I will die. I've already permanently damaged my leg and lost a kidney because of this, so I know if I relapse I won't be around for long.

I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I see a sad, depressed stranger who looks and feels like pond scum.

God grant me the strength, I know I'm better than this.

Cathy31

I'm sending you prayers...you keep at this, and yuo'll be able to enjoy being in beautiful Sydney, Australia again!! You CAN do it, and remember there is also the support of NA if you wish to use it.

You are doing the RIGHT THING.

Well done!!!

Cathy31
x

PATIENCE_0706

Hang In There. I Was Doubting All This Today Been Clean For 80 Days And Was Feeling Sorry For Myself Missing My Kids Friend And So On When I Got The Call That Another Friend Died Is Soberity Worth It Hell Yeah I Say

Time4Change

Oh Sweetie, I can totally feel the pain in your written word. I'm so proud of you for sticking it out and hanging on just for today. You're doing great! It WILL get better. And if you don't like looking in the mirror, then don't. Watch some movies, read a book (a great recovery book is "Dry: A Memoir" by Augusten Burroughs. Maybe order it through Amazon, so you won't need to leave the house?) and rest your body as it heals, go for a walk when you're ready, keep hydrated ... you know the routine.

Keep reminding yourself that you're doing the right thing. You sound very determined. I'll pray for you. God will take care of you. Please keep posting!

In memory of miracle

Remember g*d does not make junk, and hold your head up. We have a disease and you are showing a tremendous amount of strength and courage. Be easy with yourself. You are loved.
Bless, Trish

Meg

My husband said something truly amazing to me the night (6 nights ago) when I finally got honest with him about my pill use, and my addiction. It made things clearer for me. He said "Do you know the value of dignity?" I didn't. I really really don't. But I want to.
All my life I've thought i was eother inferior to people or superior. Never NEVER proud or dignified.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but you can do this. It takes a lot to get where you are now. 21 days is awesome!!!
Keep going. You inspire me. (Me, with 6 days)

Doug

I remember those feelings very well.

TheLivingEnd

i feel for you mate, i don't miss those days at all.

Ensomniac

Thank you everyone, your kind words are very helpful.

I'm on day 22, and thanks to you guys and gals, I know I won't relapse, at least for today.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of cr@p on the internet, with some sites debating which drug is the best, so this site is a valuable resource.

No matter how many letters you have after your surname, you can't beat experience.

grumpy_b05

22 days! Your doing GREAT! Keep taking it One Day at a Time! I am so proud of you Ensomniac!

hopealwayz

Hang in there and this will pass!
You are doing so great!

Blake

Hey ensomiac, welcome to SR.

I can deffiantely relate to your detox experience. I cold turkeyed off methadone 11 months ago and the withdrawals seemed like they just went on forever, especially the sleep issues. It is possible to get through it and you are on your way. Congrats on the 22 days, that is awsome!

for me the sleep issues were really bad for about a month and a half and started clearing up after that and at 3 months, I felt somewhat "normal". For me, I slowly was able to sleep more and more each night till I was sleeping a good 6 hours or so a night and I started to be able to function again. Lack of sleep is hell, but it doesn't compare to the hell of active addiction. You are on the road and this will pass, I promise.

I have been able to stay clean for 11 months so far (well it'll be 11 months in an hour and 5 minutes) with the help of Narcotics Anonymous. Have you ever tried NA? I owe my life to that program and it has helped me in so many areas of my life besides the drug thing.

You can do it,
Blake

northbelle

Hey ...I feel ya my friend..I am on day 10 of methadone detox for about the 10th time...I feel pretty ****** too but I just keep doing the next thing in front of me ..I have to keep myself busy even though right now my muscles DO NOT want to participate...I hate this place too..but damn...being a drug addict got to be so much WORK...I lost my game in my old age and have to find better way...one thing I tell myself is "this will change"..this rotten sickening way I feel WILL UNDOUBTEDly CHANGE if I don't pick up...thanx for being here...you really helped me tonight..just knowing I am not alone...I wish that you had some support to hang out with you and maybe make you have a laugh or two??? Anyone at all you could reach out to..I bet there is??????.................northbelle

carolm

Oh my. Your posts made me want to cry. You know that your body cannot physically take a relapse, and maybe that is a good thing. I will pray for you. I wish I could say something more helpful, but do keep posting. SR can really help you.

Carol