To keep cool Advice
Truth Seeker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
To keep cool Advice
Hey everyone,
I am feeling down today. I have had one hell of a day. One minute a dude is telling me that water is spewing out of my car, litterally the next when i am trying ot park it, something blows. Total freak out moment. anyways, My car totally breaks down on my in the middle of traffic in the middle of the lane, i couldn't make it to park, and smoke was coming out. Long story short.. some hose broke. Anyways, after waiting an hour for the tow truck to arrive, i finally get home. Unfortunately.. i have to tell my dad what happened. My mom was really mad at me and made me feel as if its my fault. I didn't do anything to the car! Anyways, i told my dad and my dad...with typical reaction... screams and bellows and screams at me some more. Basically... he said its my fault and that i don't know how to drive and that i am stupid and i don't know anything. Doesn't even ask me if I am okay or that my siblings were okay.. which i didn't expect either way. All he cared about was if the car turns on and then hangs up on me. Thanks. *sighs* i am really down about today because it was the first time i actually could drive my car *those of you who know about the car issue and my dad... you know what i mean*. I don't know... I am waiting for my dad to come home and pick a fight with my mom when she comes back from work... i am trying to be calm and rational about it and I know its not a big deal, at least it wasn't something worse. I hate it because my dad makes big huge things out of nothing and then somehow makes it about him and all his issues... I didn't even want to come home because I know how this is going to turn into a month long fight with my dad. I feel sick to my stomach already. How am i ever going to keep my sanity today? How can i keep myself from reacting? This is so stupid, i don't know why I am even worried about this!
Thanks.
I am feeling down today. I have had one hell of a day. One minute a dude is telling me that water is spewing out of my car, litterally the next when i am trying ot park it, something blows. Total freak out moment. anyways, My car totally breaks down on my in the middle of traffic in the middle of the lane, i couldn't make it to park, and smoke was coming out. Long story short.. some hose broke. Anyways, after waiting an hour for the tow truck to arrive, i finally get home. Unfortunately.. i have to tell my dad what happened. My mom was really mad at me and made me feel as if its my fault. I didn't do anything to the car! Anyways, i told my dad and my dad...with typical reaction... screams and bellows and screams at me some more. Basically... he said its my fault and that i don't know how to drive and that i am stupid and i don't know anything. Doesn't even ask me if I am okay or that my siblings were okay.. which i didn't expect either way. All he cared about was if the car turns on and then hangs up on me. Thanks. *sighs* i am really down about today because it was the first time i actually could drive my car *those of you who know about the car issue and my dad... you know what i mean*. I don't know... I am waiting for my dad to come home and pick a fight with my mom when she comes back from work... i am trying to be calm and rational about it and I know its not a big deal, at least it wasn't something worse. I hate it because my dad makes big huge things out of nothing and then somehow makes it about him and all his issues... I didn't even want to come home because I know how this is going to turn into a month long fight with my dad. I feel sick to my stomach already. How am i ever going to keep my sanity today? How can i keep myself from reacting? This is so stupid, i don't know why I am even worried about this!
Thanks.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Here's what I would do:
1) Breathe
2) Consider the source. When the alcoholic gets on a rant, I remember that they're sick and they will do and say sick things.
3) Tell myself nice stories in my head about puppies and bunnies playing in the woods while the alcoholic rants and raves.
4) Physically remove myself from the situation should it become abusive on any level, if it's possible to do so.
5) Remember nine words: I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.
6) Breathe some more. Deeply. Evenly. Inhale, exhale, repeat.
7) If all else fails, I can reply to whatever criticism is leveled at me with "You may be right. I'm gonna think about that". I know they're not right, but this helps them feel as if they are and some of the wind may go out of their sails.
1) Breathe
2) Consider the source. When the alcoholic gets on a rant, I remember that they're sick and they will do and say sick things.
3) Tell myself nice stories in my head about puppies and bunnies playing in the woods while the alcoholic rants and raves.
4) Physically remove myself from the situation should it become abusive on any level, if it's possible to do so.
5) Remember nine words: I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.
6) Breathe some more. Deeply. Evenly. Inhale, exhale, repeat.
7) If all else fails, I can reply to whatever criticism is leveled at me with "You may be right. I'm gonna think about that". I know they're not right, but this helps them feel as if they are and some of the wind may go out of their sails.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Precious-
I agree with ncp. I was in the exact same situation, although circumstances were different, but when I was younger, living with my parents, my dad was alcoholic. Anything and everything blew him up and it all became about himself. But as nocelphone said, rmemeber that an alcoholic is sick, and anything they say comes from a sick mind. You will never change an alcoholic, all you can do is change how YOU will handle the situation. Let him rant, rave, say whatever he wants and just know it is because he is sick, just like a anyone who has a disease. That doesn't change who you are. Most all alcoholics by nature are selfish and so they will bring everything back to themselves. So let 'em.
If you can, stay away. If you can't, the best way to diffuse a situation is let him talk, blow it out, but don't fight him back as that will just "fuel the fire". Eventually he will fizzle out, and soon it will be history. I know it is hard, I have been thru it a million times in different scenario's with my dad. There was nothing I could do, even rationalizing that it wasn't me, it was the car and things DO go wrong with cars. It could be anything.
So remember it isn't you, you can't change him, you can only change how you will accept it.
Ken
I agree with ncp. I was in the exact same situation, although circumstances were different, but when I was younger, living with my parents, my dad was alcoholic. Anything and everything blew him up and it all became about himself. But as nocelphone said, rmemeber that an alcoholic is sick, and anything they say comes from a sick mind. You will never change an alcoholic, all you can do is change how YOU will handle the situation. Let him rant, rave, say whatever he wants and just know it is because he is sick, just like a anyone who has a disease. That doesn't change who you are. Most all alcoholics by nature are selfish and so they will bring everything back to themselves. So let 'em.
If you can, stay away. If you can't, the best way to diffuse a situation is let him talk, blow it out, but don't fight him back as that will just "fuel the fire". Eventually he will fizzle out, and soon it will be history. I know it is hard, I have been thru it a million times in different scenario's with my dad. There was nothing I could do, even rationalizing that it wasn't me, it was the car and things DO go wrong with cars. It could be anything.
So remember it isn't you, you can't change him, you can only change how you will accept it.
Ken
Truth Seeker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
How do i deal with my mother about my dad?
Thanks Ncp and Ken. Sometimes i can't keep my cool, and breathing and happy thoughts don't work. I know he is sick and he has sick tendancies. He makes me so mad that i just want to give him one good slap in the face to slap that bad taste in his mouth. Well my dad did make a big deal about the car, ranted and raved until about 12 in the monring about it, fixed it because if my car was ruin then it ruines his plans of my mom driving him around. But it went deeper than that. My mom came to me and said that my dad was complaining about how i talk to him and claimed i said something that i didn't even say. My mom got mad at me because she said she knows how i talk to him and that he has a point because all he wants is respect. He told her that he was letting her know that one day when he is in a bad mood and i dare to talk to him in a way that he doesn't like then he is going to cuss me out and he doesn't want her to cuss him out afterwards. What mad me so mad about this is because when i talked back he gets mad, when i don't talk back he gets mad, and when i try to be nice and talk nicely to him he gets mad. What made me more mad is that i know what he ment was when he is pissed off about anything.. he'll be coming and slaming my door open and talking ish to me like its my fault as usual. No matter what i have done I have "no respect" and i told her... when i "do these things" when does it happen? How does he expect me to treat him like a king when he is not. And i told her, do you really think he can come up to my face and cuss me out? The last time he tried to cuss me out he was making up lies and accusing me of things i don't even do. I called him out on it, i didn't need to scream at him. Didn't help though because either way my mom took his side. I hate it, my mom too acts like when he gets mad its my fault. i don't have nothing to do with it. She was trying to make me feel bad because she said she is always stuck in the middle. My dad doesn't have the guts to confront me on anything, he complains to my mom and my mom complains to me.. it doesn't work like that. I always tell her the same thing, why do you bother telling me what he says? why? It doesn't change anything, I've done all i can to cater to his needs, nothing works. he hates me because I am the only one who choses not to revolve my life around him. No matter how much she claims to dislike my dad... she lets him act like that towards her. I don't. How can i make my mother understand that by forcing me to change to give into him doesn't help anything or anybody?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your mother is a beaten woman, she is afraid of him...keep in mind, she is as sick as he is.
I don't know how old you are, however, being able to drive you are at least 16...if you start making a plan, you can be out of there in a few years, free of him and his addiction. In the meantime, do you have anyone you can go live with until you are old enough to be on yor own? An aunt, uncle, grand parent?
When he calls you out say, "Ok, I understand" then "Are you through?" then just walk away, he wants a fight, don't let him draw you in, you cannot win..
I don't know how old you are, however, being able to drive you are at least 16...if you start making a plan, you can be out of there in a few years, free of him and his addiction. In the meantime, do you have anyone you can go live with until you are old enough to be on yor own? An aunt, uncle, grand parent?
When he calls you out say, "Ok, I understand" then "Are you through?" then just walk away, he wants a fight, don't let him draw you in, you cannot win..
Truth Seeker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
Dollydo,
I am 19.
Why haven't i left the house? simple.. because i couldn't. At that time my parents both were really controlling and i had no say. I'm suprised they even let me have a boyfriend or go out with my friends. My boyfriend couldn't help me in the sense that my dad was threating me that he would try to hurt him. So i spent most of my senior year of high school and half of my first year in college with my boyfriend not even able to come over my house, he still doesn't but by choice which is something i prefer, there isn't anything here that is healthy to be around. My mom had no say, and its not she could of done much. I don't have family that i can go to since i don't talk to my father's side because they are just a sick and violent. My mother's side, they wouldn't help because they wouldn't want to get into it simply. I don't trust my extended family because i have seen my family backstab each other. The only person i can turn to is my boyfriend and his family. If worse comes to worse, i can go with them. Techinally, i couldn't even go out of state when i started college. My dad had plans of moving the entire family with me.... defeated the whole prupose of leaving. it was really bad, my dad threw this fit so badly.. that my mom forced me to not go to either of my top school choices *one out of state and one in state*. My mom picked the school i am currently attending. I was really miserable for the first whole year there until i found my place and finally felt like i belonged there. It all calmed down halfway through the year when they realized that college demands me to not be at the house most of the time... which was a blessing in itself. Plus i rebelled a bit and i started resisting them trying to control me even when i was suppose to be "free" since i was 18. Me pushing that helped a bit. Now, I mostly don't come home until all i have to do is get ready to sleep. Which is nice, because i can come up with excuses to not be home. I barely was allowed to use my car until last week because my dad's friend had to tell him off. My dad's friend gave me the car, and when i told him that i hadn't even drove it, he told my dad that it's my car. Unfortunately, it was not as easy as that, i can't even have the key, i have to leave it where my dad can access it. Now that i think about it, things for me are allot better than they were before. Now my dad doesn't even dare to say something to my face, he can try but it doesn't happen. I plan to move out by summer if not sooner. I don't even have a job because that was a whole other issue, and it was like as if i said the world was ending. Now, i am not afraid what my dad will say because i found ways that i can have a job and him not even knowing of it.
I know my mom is sick, i know i am sick, and i know my siblings are sick. I am not only fearful of myself, but for my brother. He is only 10 and i know he is out of control. He tries to hit my sisters and he threatens them and he cusses like a sailor and my mom can't even control him. When my mom gets mad at him he like tries to stand up to her. I am the only one who doens't let him get away with it.. which always causes him and me to almost be in a fist fight. Last year my brother actually said F you and punched my face and i went mad crazy. I was so mad that i wanted to lay my hands on him, but i didn't because i knew that i would be doing the wrong thing and it wouldn't help anything and i wasn't going to go there. I gave him a mouthful though. He doesn't care and he has said so himself. It scares me because my brother has nearly all of my dad's tendancies.. i wouldn't be surprised if he ended up like him. I get so angry when i see my brother because my brother can be so much better and has so much potential, but he doesn't care. My sisters and I are nothing like that and we've never acted like that. I just dont understand why he has to act like that and what sick kick he gets from it.
Sometimes i think my mom doesn't care. I really do. I mean who puts up with this for 20 years? who? She is weak, because she could of tried harder to leave and she could of tried to spare us from this, but she didn't. I've told her how i feel and even have read her some of the things I've said like on this forum for example. She never says anything and changes the subject. Even when i cry it doesn't make a difference, she says don't have hate in your heart because only you are miserable not him. I told her yea you say that and you don't hate him but your still miserable. What difference does it make? your not even better off. She can't believe i'm going to therapy and she makes me feel like i'm a nut case. Sometimes i feel like was I or any of her kids worth it? why stay? When i was younger i really hated her because I felt that she loved my dad more than us. She cared more of making him happy when he didn't deserve it. And her kids had to pay for it. I hate it when she tells me that she feels bad when she sees us upset or pent up with hate in our hearts. She made her choices with the worng person in mind. I don't think once she thought my kids deserve better than this... I hate it when she sees me depressed almost every other day where i just start crying out of no where and all she can say is I feel bad. Give me a break... why do you feel bad? you made this choice... I don't trust my mom to a certain extent...
I love my mom, she is a good mom, but she has hurt me too... why would she want this for me?
gosh... *sighs* I am going to cry.
-preciouz
I am 19.
Why haven't i left the house? simple.. because i couldn't. At that time my parents both were really controlling and i had no say. I'm suprised they even let me have a boyfriend or go out with my friends. My boyfriend couldn't help me in the sense that my dad was threating me that he would try to hurt him. So i spent most of my senior year of high school and half of my first year in college with my boyfriend not even able to come over my house, he still doesn't but by choice which is something i prefer, there isn't anything here that is healthy to be around. My mom had no say, and its not she could of done much. I don't have family that i can go to since i don't talk to my father's side because they are just a sick and violent. My mother's side, they wouldn't help because they wouldn't want to get into it simply. I don't trust my extended family because i have seen my family backstab each other. The only person i can turn to is my boyfriend and his family. If worse comes to worse, i can go with them. Techinally, i couldn't even go out of state when i started college. My dad had plans of moving the entire family with me.... defeated the whole prupose of leaving. it was really bad, my dad threw this fit so badly.. that my mom forced me to not go to either of my top school choices *one out of state and one in state*. My mom picked the school i am currently attending. I was really miserable for the first whole year there until i found my place and finally felt like i belonged there. It all calmed down halfway through the year when they realized that college demands me to not be at the house most of the time... which was a blessing in itself. Plus i rebelled a bit and i started resisting them trying to control me even when i was suppose to be "free" since i was 18. Me pushing that helped a bit. Now, I mostly don't come home until all i have to do is get ready to sleep. Which is nice, because i can come up with excuses to not be home. I barely was allowed to use my car until last week because my dad's friend had to tell him off. My dad's friend gave me the car, and when i told him that i hadn't even drove it, he told my dad that it's my car. Unfortunately, it was not as easy as that, i can't even have the key, i have to leave it where my dad can access it. Now that i think about it, things for me are allot better than they were before. Now my dad doesn't even dare to say something to my face, he can try but it doesn't happen. I plan to move out by summer if not sooner. I don't even have a job because that was a whole other issue, and it was like as if i said the world was ending. Now, i am not afraid what my dad will say because i found ways that i can have a job and him not even knowing of it.
I know my mom is sick, i know i am sick, and i know my siblings are sick. I am not only fearful of myself, but for my brother. He is only 10 and i know he is out of control. He tries to hit my sisters and he threatens them and he cusses like a sailor and my mom can't even control him. When my mom gets mad at him he like tries to stand up to her. I am the only one who doens't let him get away with it.. which always causes him and me to almost be in a fist fight. Last year my brother actually said F you and punched my face and i went mad crazy. I was so mad that i wanted to lay my hands on him, but i didn't because i knew that i would be doing the wrong thing and it wouldn't help anything and i wasn't going to go there. I gave him a mouthful though. He doesn't care and he has said so himself. It scares me because my brother has nearly all of my dad's tendancies.. i wouldn't be surprised if he ended up like him. I get so angry when i see my brother because my brother can be so much better and has so much potential, but he doesn't care. My sisters and I are nothing like that and we've never acted like that. I just dont understand why he has to act like that and what sick kick he gets from it.
Sometimes i think my mom doesn't care. I really do. I mean who puts up with this for 20 years? who? She is weak, because she could of tried harder to leave and she could of tried to spare us from this, but she didn't. I've told her how i feel and even have read her some of the things I've said like on this forum for example. She never says anything and changes the subject. Even when i cry it doesn't make a difference, she says don't have hate in your heart because only you are miserable not him. I told her yea you say that and you don't hate him but your still miserable. What difference does it make? your not even better off. She can't believe i'm going to therapy and she makes me feel like i'm a nut case. Sometimes i feel like was I or any of her kids worth it? why stay? When i was younger i really hated her because I felt that she loved my dad more than us. She cared more of making him happy when he didn't deserve it. And her kids had to pay for it. I hate it when she tells me that she feels bad when she sees us upset or pent up with hate in our hearts. She made her choices with the worng person in mind. I don't think once she thought my kids deserve better than this... I hate it when she sees me depressed almost every other day where i just start crying out of no where and all she can say is I feel bad. Give me a break... why do you feel bad? you made this choice... I don't trust my mom to a certain extent...
I love my mom, she is a good mom, but she has hurt me too... why would she want this for me? gosh... *sighs* I am going to cry.
-preciouz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 12
I'm addicted to reading your long-winded posts, preciouz.
I'm 20 and trying to get away from my alcoholic parents. This summer is also a move-out deadline for me. Unfortunately, driving and college are two things that I haven't been able to achieve yet. It's very difficult for me to have to try and figure both of these out on my own because no one is willing to help. Oh well.
Best of luck to you.
I'm 20 and trying to get away from my alcoholic parents. This summer is also a move-out deadline for me. Unfortunately, driving and college are two things that I haven't been able to achieve yet. It's very difficult for me to have to try and figure both of these out on my own because no one is willing to help. Oh well.
Best of luck to you.
Truth Seeker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
(( ca_jas))
Sorry i have a tendancy to talk too much. I'll try to be shorter in lenght.
We are pretty much in the same boat. I didn't learn how to drive until i was 18, because i didn't have to pay for driving classes. My mom and boyfriend taught me. My dad didn't know i had a license until last summer. I know how you feel in trying to figure things out on your own. Hey! Listen if you need to figure things out I am willing to help you out. I'm more than sure I am not the only one who maybe able to help you. I don't know how much i can do, but i know things can happen. What do you need to know about college?? Money? grants? loans? housing? ask me, i'll know. I pay for everything for college without my parents help. ASk me anything, I'll see what i can do.
Sorry i have a tendancy to talk too much. I'll try to be shorter in lenght.
We are pretty much in the same boat. I didn't learn how to drive until i was 18, because i didn't have to pay for driving classes. My mom and boyfriend taught me. My dad didn't know i had a license until last summer. I know how you feel in trying to figure things out on your own. Hey! Listen if you need to figure things out I am willing to help you out. I'm more than sure I am not the only one who maybe able to help you. I don't know how much i can do, but i know things can happen. What do you need to know about college?? Money? grants? loans? housing? ask me, i'll know. I pay for everything for college without my parents help. ASk me anything, I'll see what i can do.
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