He called an Escort Service??
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
He called an Escort Service??
My A went to court on Tuesday and pled guilty to assault (on me). He was given a years probation and ordered to attend anger management classes. After spending from Friday night to Sunday together he asked that we have no contact until after his court hearing on Tuesday. I figured that he was planning one last binge before the courts got ahold of him and the new me didn't nag him but lovingly detatched.
I have been checking his cell records for a while now because I caught him a few months ago calling his ex-girlfriend who lives 2000 miles away. I got in the habit of looking from time to time and with two days on my hands I felt the need to see what he was up to when he was drinking (destructive behavior I know).
On Sunday he made 6 calls to a cell number that I didn't recognize. Two were in the afternoon about 3 hours apart. The other 4 calls were made between 12:30 a.m. and 1:45 a.m. This was really suspicious. The number doesn't belong to his only friend and while he tried to call his bosses also this number didn't belong to any of them. Besides, they were the ones who bailed him out of jail and knows that if he drinks they lose their money. I called this number from my phone and I got the voicemail of a guy named Jason. I have never heard my A mention a Jason. I was thinking maybe this was a drug dealer because the A has showed signs of being drunk without smelling of beer and even though he didn't do drugs in the past I thought he might be substituting drugs for beer. So I'm still in the dark about this call.
Tuesday night the A calls me at 9:20, says he's going to bed and he loves me, will call me in the morning. About an hour later, for some unknown reason I check his cell records. There was a call at 10:10 to a number I didn't know so I looked it up online. It was an escort service...the only one in our local phone book and they also advertise in the newspaper. I checked them out online and found message boards filled with "satisfied customers". They are prostitutes, no doubt about it! I immediately called the A and asked what use he had for an escort service. He said....wait here it comes...that the number was on his incoming calls and he dialed it to find out who had called! YEH RIGHT!
I was devastated! This is a man who has a fear of intimacy and is unable to make love due to his alcoholism. He visits porn sites regularly but still will not even attempt lovemaking. We have been together over a year. Imagine how it feels to know that he won't take what is freely offered by me and he knows how rejected I feel, but he'll look into paying over $200.00 an hour for sex??
Now I think that the phone calls on New Years day might have been to secure a hooker. I never believed much of what he said but when I asked him who the 6 calls were to he said "I don't know". They were only either 1 or 2 minutes in length so I know it wasn't another woman but I'm suspicious anyways. Some may say I got what I deserve for snooping but I'll be damned if I catch some disease if this big jerk ever decided he wanted me in bed. He has never in the past shown any signs of cheating and up until the incident where he hit me we lived and did everything together. He can't afford hookers either so I'm totally stumped here.
Now can someone explain this to me? If having affairs boosts their self-esteem, wouldn't paying for sex work just the opposite? Especially when I have told him over and over that I wanted him sexually and he said he wanted me too, but the alcoholism took away his desire?
Too confused to even think straight now.
I have been checking his cell records for a while now because I caught him a few months ago calling his ex-girlfriend who lives 2000 miles away. I got in the habit of looking from time to time and with two days on my hands I felt the need to see what he was up to when he was drinking (destructive behavior I know).
On Sunday he made 6 calls to a cell number that I didn't recognize. Two were in the afternoon about 3 hours apart. The other 4 calls were made between 12:30 a.m. and 1:45 a.m. This was really suspicious. The number doesn't belong to his only friend and while he tried to call his bosses also this number didn't belong to any of them. Besides, they were the ones who bailed him out of jail and knows that if he drinks they lose their money. I called this number from my phone and I got the voicemail of a guy named Jason. I have never heard my A mention a Jason. I was thinking maybe this was a drug dealer because the A has showed signs of being drunk without smelling of beer and even though he didn't do drugs in the past I thought he might be substituting drugs for beer. So I'm still in the dark about this call.
Tuesday night the A calls me at 9:20, says he's going to bed and he loves me, will call me in the morning. About an hour later, for some unknown reason I check his cell records. There was a call at 10:10 to a number I didn't know so I looked it up online. It was an escort service...the only one in our local phone book and they also advertise in the newspaper. I checked them out online and found message boards filled with "satisfied customers". They are prostitutes, no doubt about it! I immediately called the A and asked what use he had for an escort service. He said....wait here it comes...that the number was on his incoming calls and he dialed it to find out who had called! YEH RIGHT!
I was devastated! This is a man who has a fear of intimacy and is unable to make love due to his alcoholism. He visits porn sites regularly but still will not even attempt lovemaking. We have been together over a year. Imagine how it feels to know that he won't take what is freely offered by me and he knows how rejected I feel, but he'll look into paying over $200.00 an hour for sex??
Now I think that the phone calls on New Years day might have been to secure a hooker. I never believed much of what he said but when I asked him who the 6 calls were to he said "I don't know". They were only either 1 or 2 minutes in length so I know it wasn't another woman but I'm suspicious anyways. Some may say I got what I deserve for snooping but I'll be damned if I catch some disease if this big jerk ever decided he wanted me in bed. He has never in the past shown any signs of cheating and up until the incident where he hit me we lived and did everything together. He can't afford hookers either so I'm totally stumped here.
Now can someone explain this to me? If having affairs boosts their self-esteem, wouldn't paying for sex work just the opposite? Especially when I have told him over and over that I wanted him sexually and he said he wanted me too, but the alcoholism took away his desire?
Too confused to even think straight now.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Rather than try and figure him out... let's talk about what really matters, you. So you snooped, and yeah, it's not your best, but life goes on... but what you found as a result is big piece of information. You now have reason to believe that your A is having sex with others, hookers/prostitutes to be exact. Gross, disgusting, and a multitude of other adjectives/adverbs... yes, but that's his choice to deal with. The fact is he's exposed himself to the potential for all sorts of diseases, so what are YOU going to do about it?
Well, you can't change him (or the fact that he may or may not be infected), so you have to decide if you want to expose YOURSELF to him now.
Your choice. The only one you have, IMHO. I would spend your time worry about protecting you, rather than trying to figure him and his choices out.
Thinking of you,
Shannon
Well, you can't change him (or the fact that he may or may not be infected), so you have to decide if you want to expose YOURSELF to him now.
Your choice. The only one you have, IMHO. I would spend your time worry about protecting you, rather than trying to figure him and his choices out.
Thinking of you,
Shannon
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
You deserve better than this.
I agree with Shannon ;
Well, you can't change him (or the fact that he may or may not be infected), so you have to decide if you want to expose YOURSELF to him now.
Your choice. The only one you have, IMHO. I would spend your time worry about protecting you, rather than trying to figure him and his choices out.
Cathy31
x
I agree with Shannon ;
Well, you can't change him (or the fact that he may or may not be infected), so you have to decide if you want to expose YOURSELF to him now.
Your choice. The only one you have, IMHO. I would spend your time worry about protecting you, rather than trying to figure him and his choices out.
Cathy31
x
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Thanks for the replies. I was reading the local newspaper last night and saw the "Personals" column. Smack in the middle was an ad for another so-called massage/escort service and the phone #...you guessed it. The number he had called 6 times on Sunday. I feel so sick right now. I have to confront him, I have the newspaper clipping and a printout of his cell phone calls. He can't lie his way out of this one. It's important for me that he knows what killed our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
You can confront him with it but don't forget that denial is a powerful thing. It may not register for him and he may blame it on you.
Good Luck with it.
I see you are from Canada too. I live in Quebec.
Ngaire
Good Luck with it.
I see you are from Canada too. I live in Quebec.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Rita, I feel so bad for you. Let me tell you a bit about what happened during the end of my 20 year marriage.
For the last 12 years of my marriage he slept on the couch. He travelled a lot with work, and I was left alone raising our 4 daughters pretty much as a single parent.
He had no interest in sex with me. My friends would all tell me that he must be getting it somewhere else, but like you, I had a hard time believing that based on his intimacy issues with me.
No intimacy required with call girls though. In the last 3 years of our marriage, it just got worse and worse. He couldn't even look me in the eyes. I would never have guessed that he was hiring prostitutes. I hired a private investigator and found out that he was in fact hiring prostitutes. When I confronted him with the information, he lied and said it wasn't true. I kicked him out and for the next 2 months he would not admit to it.
Until he wanted to come back home. Then he confessed that he had a sex addiction. I was devastated and went for HIV testing, as I was not sure how long this had been going on. Thank God I tested negative, but he did not care about any consequences of his actions at all. He was in his active sex addiction.
I tried to work things out with him, until I had reason to believe he was still up to his old tricks (no pun intended). I left him 7 years ago, which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I am now happy, and he is still a miserable man. His issues, he needs to work on him, and can no longer blame me for our relationship issues, although I was not the best wife in the end, ad my physical and emotional needs were not getting met, and I was very angry inside.
Believe me, I know how devastating this feels. Please take care of yourself and start putting your needs and your happiness first.
Take care
Diana
For the last 12 years of my marriage he slept on the couch. He travelled a lot with work, and I was left alone raising our 4 daughters pretty much as a single parent.
He had no interest in sex with me. My friends would all tell me that he must be getting it somewhere else, but like you, I had a hard time believing that based on his intimacy issues with me.
No intimacy required with call girls though. In the last 3 years of our marriage, it just got worse and worse. He couldn't even look me in the eyes. I would never have guessed that he was hiring prostitutes. I hired a private investigator and found out that he was in fact hiring prostitutes. When I confronted him with the information, he lied and said it wasn't true. I kicked him out and for the next 2 months he would not admit to it.
Until he wanted to come back home. Then he confessed that he had a sex addiction. I was devastated and went for HIV testing, as I was not sure how long this had been going on. Thank God I tested negative, but he did not care about any consequences of his actions at all. He was in his active sex addiction.
I tried to work things out with him, until I had reason to believe he was still up to his old tricks (no pun intended). I left him 7 years ago, which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I am now happy, and he is still a miserable man. His issues, he needs to work on him, and can no longer blame me for our relationship issues, although I was not the best wife in the end, ad my physical and emotional needs were not getting met, and I was very angry inside.
Believe me, I know how devastating this feels. Please take care of yourself and start putting your needs and your happiness first.
Take care
Diana
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addictive behaviors manafest themselves in many areas...drugs, drink, gambling, porn and yes, hookers....
When men use a hooker, there is no emotional attachment, instant gratification....it seems addicted people crave the buzz of instant gratification.
You cannot change him, you can only change you...
Ask yourself some hard questions:
Is he worthy of your love?
Can you trust him?
Are there more good times, rather than bad?
Are you 100% sure he will never assualt you again?
Are you 100% sure he will never drink or drug again?
and the big question
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
I am sure there are many more questions, only you hold the answers...
Take care of you,
Dolly
When men use a hooker, there is no emotional attachment, instant gratification....it seems addicted people crave the buzz of instant gratification.
You cannot change him, you can only change you...
Ask yourself some hard questions:
Is he worthy of your love?
Can you trust him?
Are there more good times, rather than bad?
Are you 100% sure he will never assualt you again?
Are you 100% sure he will never drink or drug again?
and the big question
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
I am sure there are many more questions, only you hold the answers...
Take care of you,
Dolly
ritabee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Well I went to his place yesterday very upset. Of course when I'm upset he doesn't try to find out what is wrong in a kind, gentle way as a loving non-A would do, he looks at me and says that if I'm there to try and interfere with his recovery then I should just leave and walk out the door (btw, his recovery is only in his own mind. No AA meetings in over a month and he drinks more than he will ever admit). Never mind that he knows I've hardly been able to eat or sleep the last week. Denial, denial, denial! He has to know he's caused it by his actions but doesn't want to hear it.
I told him in a very quiet voice that I found out who the 6 calls were to, because I read the newspaper and found the ad with the phone number. Then he denied he made these calls at all. "I don't know where you got that information." So I handed him the ad attached to his cell phone records. He glanced at it then just sat there with a stupid look on his face. I asked why no response, couldn't he think up a lie fast enough? Then he admitted he had called them, but just for fun, because he was bored and he had no intention of ever getting a hooker. He just wanted to find out what they were about because he was "curious". And besides, where would he even get money to pay a hooker??
Well, considering he's been gone from here for 9 weeks and has put only $100.00 into the bank since then, he holds down a full-time job and his rent is 2/3 of what he was paying here, I think he should have a LOT of money left over every week.
But now, he's given me his paycheck and asked me to deposit it in the bank. He kept out next to no cash and since this is a joint account he knows that I can always look to see if he's taken out money. He owns no credit cards and can't get any. I told him if he didn't want me snooping at his cell phone records to change his password and he refused.
All this points to him actually getting this hooker, then having deep regret the next day. He is angry because I found out but is taking steps to make sure that he never does this again. But he will and we both know it. His porn addiction doesn't work for him anymore and instead of turning to me, he would rather pay a hooker. I find that disgusting and even sicker than his alcoholism.
I know the end is very near and I'm teetering on the fence. Living with him in my life is making me physically ill and living without him will be so hard because I do love him even though I have no idea why most of the time. I am just really tired of being alone.
I told him in a very quiet voice that I found out who the 6 calls were to, because I read the newspaper and found the ad with the phone number. Then he denied he made these calls at all. "I don't know where you got that information." So I handed him the ad attached to his cell phone records. He glanced at it then just sat there with a stupid look on his face. I asked why no response, couldn't he think up a lie fast enough? Then he admitted he had called them, but just for fun, because he was bored and he had no intention of ever getting a hooker. He just wanted to find out what they were about because he was "curious". And besides, where would he even get money to pay a hooker??
Well, considering he's been gone from here for 9 weeks and has put only $100.00 into the bank since then, he holds down a full-time job and his rent is 2/3 of what he was paying here, I think he should have a LOT of money left over every week.
But now, he's given me his paycheck and asked me to deposit it in the bank. He kept out next to no cash and since this is a joint account he knows that I can always look to see if he's taken out money. He owns no credit cards and can't get any. I told him if he didn't want me snooping at his cell phone records to change his password and he refused.
All this points to him actually getting this hooker, then having deep regret the next day. He is angry because I found out but is taking steps to make sure that he never does this again. But he will and we both know it. His porn addiction doesn't work for him anymore and instead of turning to me, he would rather pay a hooker. I find that disgusting and even sicker than his alcoholism.
I know the end is very near and I'm teetering on the fence. Living with him in my life is making me physically ill and living without him will be so hard because I do love him even though I have no idea why most of the time. I am just really tired of being alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 42
YOU SAID:
"My A went to court on Tuesday and pled guilty to assault (on me). He was given a years probation and ordered to attend anger management classes. After spending from Friday night to Sunday together"
Forget the snooping,you need to ask yourself what where you doing with him after he was convicted of assulted you?
Please be careful.
I have to say that my AH has never hit me in 20 year. Since my first husb used to hit me on a regular basis and at that time it was accepted by society, I know what you are feeling, again please be careful..............
"My A went to court on Tuesday and pled guilty to assault (on me). He was given a years probation and ordered to attend anger management classes. After spending from Friday night to Sunday together"
Forget the snooping,you need to ask yourself what where you doing with him after he was convicted of assulted you?
Please be careful.
I have to say that my AH has never hit me in 20 year. Since my first husb used to hit me on a regular basis and at that time it was accepted by society, I know what you are feeling, again please be careful..............
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I know the end is very near and I'm teetering on the fence. Living with him in my life is making me physically ill and living without him will be so hard because I do love him even though I have no idea why most of the time. I am just really tired of being alone.
The insanity will stop when you decide to stop participating in it. I know it seems easy to say, and so much harder to do... but it's absolutely necessary for life to ever get better. Let go of that wild horse and you'll stop getting dragged through the mud.
Hugs,
Shannon
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