ByAThread

I've been reading posts for 2 days now, hoping to feel better, but I'm not. Long story short, AH was acting strange again, after claiming to be sober for a couple of weeks. I confronted (mistake #1)...he denied...he withdrew to his usual place to go be in the hole and drunk...I approached and ranted...this time I ranted big-time (mistakes #2, 3, & 4)...I asked him whether he wanted to be married to me (mistake #5)...he said yes, but when I asked him why, he said he couldn't come up with any reasons...that "this wasn't a good time"...I asked him to give back his wedding ring since it meant nothing to him (mistake #6)...and when he wouldn't, I tried to take it off of his finger (mistake #7)...he grabbed my wrist and twisted...I asked him if that made him feel powerful. I went to my room (I've reclaimed it, again), shaking and heart pounding. He was snoring within minutes, but I was shaken and falling into the hole myself. I went so far as to ask him to show me how to load and shoot his shotgun (now you have to understand that I am against guns totally, and have NO intention of using one)...I never came out and said it, but I implied it'd be easier if he was the one left this time with something weighing heavily on HIS head (big mistake #8). I reacted badly and feel terrible for stooping so low. I am upset over how things stand between us. The next AM he tried to come in to say goodbye...told me to try to have a good day, and not to do anything "goofy". Then he called me from work just to check in. He said he was sorry for last night (again). I have been quiet and not saying much to him. When I got home from work last PM, he was passed out on the couch...he said hello when he woke up...got on the computer, then went to sleep out on the breezeway (his second choice of places to withdraw to)...he came in this AM again to say goodbye. SO...whether he drank or not, he is definitely on his way there (in my opinion), and his behavior is definitely not consistent with sober and healthy. I am still feeling depressed and bad for my outburst, and it didn't help a thing, of course. The bottom line is that he's not doing anything different to stay sober, and I am worried that he's going right back to full out drinking and then losing his job, etc., etc., etc. I KNOW I shouldn't be worrying about what HE is doing, but I have fallen right back into thinking that way. I can't believe how CRAZY I become and how enraged I get when I think he's drinking! So, I guess I need a kick in the pants from you guys, to get me back on track with my thinking and my behavior. I was doing so well, and now I feel I've been hit by the Codependent Express Train! Thanks for listening, understanding my temporary fits of craziness and sharing your wisdom!

cupowater

((((((((((((ByAThread))))))))))) We are only human. It's hard enough to live with an A and be Calm and understanding all the time. (the adult) Don't beat yourself up. Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.

GettingBy

Well... the good news is that you did spend most of that thread identifying YOUR mistakes! You're on the right track...the focus is on you, not him. That's all you can change, right? His drinking (or not) doesn't matter right now... b/c you know you are losing control over the only thing you can control, you.

Now... what you can do? STOP... I repeat STOP, beating yourself up for what you did. It happens. We have slips, and we lost control. Take that slip as a learning opportunity. You know now how bad it feels to do the wrong thing. Use that to help motivate to do the right things!

It takes us all a long time to learn new behaviors, so the best I can offer is just keep being patience with yourself! It sounds like you've already made some major progress so keep reminding yourself that, okay?

Be kind and gentle with yourself today, you're so very worth it!
Shannon

dollydo

Here's the , no kick.

We all go through this, we become so frustrated, we react, improperly. I've been there.
I finally understood it did no good, just made me feel worse.

The drinking is his problem, not yours. Work on you, set your bounderies and stick to them..it is not easy, but it will help you, save you.

Don't be so hard on yourself....it is not so much about the situation you are in, it's how you handle it....

My best,
Dolly

elizabeth1979

You identitfied your mistakes.
You are moving forward.
Put the skillet down!
Can you indentify the emotions that were triggered by his drinking?
anger?
Sadness?
Disappointment?
Abandonment?
If you can indetify the emotions, you can work on strengthening those areas of your life, so you dont get tripped up by HIS actions!

FriendofBill

alcoholism makes people crazy. Them. Us. everyone.

Good that your aware of your crazyness. You aint alone thats for sure.

Keep on keeping on.

ByAThread

Thanks, guys...as usual, it made me feel better just to post and get some feedback. I am working on my obsession! Off to work soon, so my mind will be occupied and my nose can't get poked where it doesn't belong for several hours, at least!

ladybug

I think Alanis Morrisette is singing it now:
"But we're never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy"
What a release to let it out! I'm sure not the "correct" thing to do but....
Forgive yourself