I hate F'ing AA!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I hate F'ing AA!
I'm not kidding!
This morning was the last righteous "I'm an AA'er and you're not so I'm right and you're wrong" talk that I will ever stand for.
I think that I have probably run the full circle gamut on this.
I now see in my house where the line is between co-dependent and healthy. It is when he says, "Would you like me to start drinking again?" and I say "I don't care". And I mean it.
It is when his conflict resolution style is about win-lose.......and I am the consistent loser.
It is when Hitler would be proud of his decisions because of his "great might." The schoolyard calls that a bully, my husband calls it "YOU don't get it, DO YOU?"
It is when he says that I am so smart. That's true albeit it makes him feel inferior. That's *your* problem, buddy.
What I do understand is that I surround myself with people who enhance my life. He surrounds himself with the Newbies at AA even though he's been in the program again for 1.5 years. This is a no-brainer.
I now understand the high divorce rate in recovery programs. It is when alcoholic goes from being selfish in the "disease" to being selfish by choice. Then the excuses fall off and I really realize just what an as*hole he's become.
YOU (that would be me) are so chaotic! You don't even _______!
I don't because I think that your butt print in the sofa says it all.
I am the reason for starvation in Ethiopia. Wow, I am powerful. All that world mess because of little 'ole me. Dam, I's gooooooooddddd!
Coming next week: Beauty creates a sand storm in the middle of Chicago with her Almighty Isis powers and a twinkle of her Bewitched nose!
Feel free to comment on this one but I think, now that I am feeling a bit more human again, that if Al-Anon is the "man-hater's" club then AA must be the "woman hater's" club. I'm probably responsible for that, too. What-EVAH!
This morning was the last righteous "I'm an AA'er and you're not so I'm right and you're wrong" talk that I will ever stand for.
I think that I have probably run the full circle gamut on this.
I now see in my house where the line is between co-dependent and healthy. It is when he says, "Would you like me to start drinking again?" and I say "I don't care". And I mean it.
It is when his conflict resolution style is about win-lose.......and I am the consistent loser.
It is when Hitler would be proud of his decisions because of his "great might." The schoolyard calls that a bully, my husband calls it "YOU don't get it, DO YOU?"
It is when he says that I am so smart. That's true albeit it makes him feel inferior. That's *your* problem, buddy.
What I do understand is that I surround myself with people who enhance my life. He surrounds himself with the Newbies at AA even though he's been in the program again for 1.5 years. This is a no-brainer.
I now understand the high divorce rate in recovery programs. It is when alcoholic goes from being selfish in the "disease" to being selfish by choice. Then the excuses fall off and I really realize just what an as*hole he's become.
YOU (that would be me) are so chaotic! You don't even _______!
I don't because I think that your butt print in the sofa says it all.
I am the reason for starvation in Ethiopia. Wow, I am powerful. All that world mess because of little 'ole me. Dam, I's gooooooooddddd!
Coming next week: Beauty creates a sand storm in the middle of Chicago with her Almighty Isis powers and a twinkle of her Bewitched nose!
Feel free to comment on this one but I think, now that I am feeling a bit more human again, that if Al-Anon is the "man-hater's" club then AA must be the "woman hater's" club. I'm probably responsible for that, too. What-EVAH!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Beautiful you have every right to vent. What you have posted here does not sound like someone "living the 12 steps" sounds more like an alkie still trying to manipulate.
Just remember all he's doing is "quacking." AA is about ACTION not telling others how to live, roflmao.
You continue to work on you, sounds to me like you have a good handle on it!!!! Just sometimes the cup overflows with his b.s.
Nothing of what you have quoted him saying is anything I learned in AA and I'm coming up on 25 years of sobriety.
Its a program for how to LIVE sober and above isn't anywhere that I know of in the Big Book roflmao.
I will put him in my prayers that he has a "light bulb moment" and gets a sponsor and REALLY starts to work the steps.
My prayers are with you to stay strong and keep those boundaries.
Love and hugs,
Just remember all he's doing is "quacking." AA is about ACTION not telling others how to live, roflmao.
You continue to work on you, sounds to me like you have a good handle on it!!!! Just sometimes the cup overflows with his b.s.
Nothing of what you have quoted him saying is anything I learned in AA and I'm coming up on 25 years of sobriety.
Its a program for how to LIVE sober and above isn't anywhere that I know of in the Big Book roflmao.
I will put him in my prayers that he has a "light bulb moment" and gets a sponsor and REALLY starts to work the steps.
My prayers are with you to stay strong and keep those boundaries.
Love and hugs,
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Beautiful
I'm not kidding!
Dam, I's gooooooooddddd!
Coming next week: Beauty creates a sand storm in the middle of Chicago with her Almighty Isis powers and a twinkle of her Bewitched nose!
Dam, I's gooooooooddddd!
Coming next week: Beauty creates a sand storm in the middle of Chicago with her Almighty Isis powers and a twinkle of her Bewitched nose!
Snow is nice but I can't ride the bike in it *LOL*
Keep working your recovery and he will catch up if he wants to. You already know you can't pull him, he needs to go after it himself.
I happen to be proof that the selfishness can change. If you argue back, you feed him. Let him deal with his issues and keep your boundary walls strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh, poor AA.
It's really taking some pot shots lately.
Makes my codependent need to protect it flare up, it really does.
But I don't have to do that.
AA is a recovery program that helps thousands of people live healthier, sober lives.
If there are a few who manipulate AA and it's suggestions to serve their own agenda, that is sad...but true.
Beautiful, you just keep on working on you.
If he wants to play the "twist recovery to make my problems look like they are all because of the wife" thing...go on and let him.
You don't need to be a part of that.
You have better things to do.
Truly.
It's really taking some pot shots lately.
Makes my codependent need to protect it flare up, it really does.
But I don't have to do that.
AA is a recovery program that helps thousands of people live healthier, sober lives.
If there are a few who manipulate AA and it's suggestions to serve their own agenda, that is sad...but true.
Beautiful, you just keep on working on you.
If he wants to play the "twist recovery to make my problems look like they are all because of the wife" thing...go on and let him.
You don't need to be a part of that.
You have better things to do.
Truly.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
It is when alcoholic goes from being selfish in the "disease" to being selfish by choice. Then the excuses fall off and I really realize just what an as*hole he's become.
You just keep taking care of you, and pray for him ..... cause he sure needs it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
It takes some of us who come to AA a while longer than others to come to the conclusion that we're ignorant, sick and selfish bastards.
Thankfully, the longer we keep coming back, the better the chances are we'll get to live a life based on something other than our own misconceptions of what is healthy behavior.
Thankfully, the longer we keep coming back, the better the chances are we'll get to live a life based on something other than our own misconceptions of what is healthy behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I pray that God leads me out of this nightmare, however He chooses to do it, but I'm partial to something a little less insane than what I've been getting so far.......
Oh, I'll plan an early spring for Boston. I got your back, Best! LOL
Oh, I'll plan an early spring for Boston. I got your back, Best! LOL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ahhh sweets... I REALLY know how you feel since I think that title was one of my first posts.
It really is the person and not the program. When my ex-abf went into AA... he became even worse in my opinion then when he was drinking. After a month in the program he met someone in AA that "understood" him .. had an affair and 2 weeks before Christmas I was moving myself and my daughter into an apt. He has managed to push any and everyone (family, friends) away from him.. but its all ok, cuz he has his "new" family.
It took me months and another go around with him last year for about 30 days to really get the light bulb moment that its not the program, its HIM. Since being in Al-anon and attending AA meetings once a week, also doing alot of talking with people who really have recovered... I finally got it... it was just him quacking, not getting it and doing what an A always does. Even though real recovery is right there in front of him... he cant see it.
I have had no contact with him now for 8 months.... I pray for him everyday and wish him the best... You know in AA they say there are some that cant recover. They are the ones that for some reason cant be honest with themselves.... I think he is one of them, stopping the drinking is not recovery.... recovery is the work from the inside out. I hope Im wrong and he can and does recover some day.
Hang in there with your own recovery.... when your ready, or when God decides you are things will change.
*hugs*
It really is the person and not the program. When my ex-abf went into AA... he became even worse in my opinion then when he was drinking. After a month in the program he met someone in AA that "understood" him .. had an affair and 2 weeks before Christmas I was moving myself and my daughter into an apt. He has managed to push any and everyone (family, friends) away from him.. but its all ok, cuz he has his "new" family.
It took me months and another go around with him last year for about 30 days to really get the light bulb moment that its not the program, its HIM. Since being in Al-anon and attending AA meetings once a week, also doing alot of talking with people who really have recovered... I finally got it... it was just him quacking, not getting it and doing what an A always does. Even though real recovery is right there in front of him... he cant see it.
I have had no contact with him now for 8 months.... I pray for him everyday and wish him the best... You know in AA they say there are some that cant recover. They are the ones that for some reason cant be honest with themselves.... I think he is one of them, stopping the drinking is not recovery.... recovery is the work from the inside out. I hope Im wrong and he can and does recover some day.
Hang in there with your own recovery.... when your ready, or when God decides you are things will change.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Does he have a sponser?? Has he done a 4th and 5th step???
Did he go to AA for himself or was he forced?? He might be working on relapse??
You are so sharpe you can handle this, It is sorta a joke isn't it??? Except they don't know any better.
When new, we A's can be a pretty bad pain in butt to everyone, We are going to fix the world and everyone in it.
Maybe you could go to some open AA meetings and quote some stuff you learned. LOL
This is no fun for you. HUGS
Did he go to AA for himself or was he forced?? He might be working on relapse??
You are so sharpe you can handle this, It is sorta a joke isn't it??? Except they don't know any better.
When new, we A's can be a pretty bad pain in butt to everyone, We are going to fix the world and everyone in it.
Maybe you could go to some open AA meetings and quote some stuff you learned. LOL
This is no fun for you. HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I have no clue what his program is about. He goes to a men's meeting on Wed evenings but that's about all I know.
He is very private about it - up to the point of secretive.
I used to ask and got told it wasn't any of my business. I'm not sure what is more destructive -- an active alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic who has just enough knowledge to exhibit the traits under the guise of "recovery."
It's ugly.
He is very private about it - up to the point of secretive.
I used to ask and got told it wasn't any of my business. I'm not sure what is more destructive -- an active alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic who has just enough knowledge to exhibit the traits under the guise of "recovery."
It's ugly.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Try getting yourself a copy of the Big Book and look for the chapter "The Family Afterward" see if that will help you out. If it's any consolation your not alone as many wives/husbands/partners go through this feeling of being pushed away in the name of recovery... IMO it's not his program but his own turmoil and perhaps unwillingness to reckon with the process he's going through. Unwillingness leads to spiteful resentment.
.... don't EVEN let him throw that "want me to start drinking again" crap in your face. I hope he has a good sponsor. I'd also suggest maybe you going to an open meeting so you have some idea of what goes on. There's no big secrets, if you live with a drunk you know it all for the most part. *hugs*
.... don't EVEN let him throw that "want me to start drinking again" crap in your face. I hope he has a good sponsor. I'd also suggest maybe you going to an open meeting so you have some idea of what goes on. There's no big secrets, if you live with a drunk you know it all for the most part. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
There are good things about AA and bad things about AA.
My biggest beef is they constantly say "We are not marriage counselors" then constantly give A's advice on their marriage and marriage difficulties. The advice they give is completely opposite of the advice given by liscensed marriage counselors, but the A's only listen to the AA'ers, most of whom have one or more broken marriages after sobriety. Now that is a bunch I would take marital advice from.
Treatment and aftercare counselors are no better.
My biggest beef is they constantly say "We are not marriage counselors" then constantly give A's advice on their marriage and marriage difficulties. The advice they give is completely opposite of the advice given by liscensed marriage counselors, but the A's only listen to the AA'ers, most of whom have one or more broken marriages after sobriety. Now that is a bunch I would take marital advice from.
Treatment and aftercare counselors are no better.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Beautiful,
Here's a one liner I use a lot.
Just because he/she/ says it ; doesn't make it so.
The expert on You is You.
I live with active alcoholics. I am the only one in a 12 step program and I work it for me. So I think of them in the basement and me on the 2nd floor. What that gives me is the chance to work a little harder on MY recovery and leave them to their choices.
I need to add that my spouse is a hard working, trustworthy, loving human being who used to drink. He is now dry but with no recovery, no problems that he can see. So be it. If I am the problem (in his eyes) then I'll continue to work on me by doing everything and anything I can do for MY recovery. I will not give up my serenity for anyone. The Al-Anon program has helped me gain that serenity. I meet with and have many friends in AA (who work their programs as hard as I do mine). They do not give me advice on my marriage nor do my al-anon friends.
I feel very honored to know that AA shared a wonderful program with those of us who suffer from the effects of someone else drinking. Working that program helps me keep the focus OFF them and on me. I am the only thing in the universe I can change. So we are both powerful in that no one can change us but US.
Chow and keep the faith.
Here's a one liner I use a lot.
Just because he/she/ says it ; doesn't make it so.
The expert on You is You.
I live with active alcoholics. I am the only one in a 12 step program and I work it for me. So I think of them in the basement and me on the 2nd floor. What that gives me is the chance to work a little harder on MY recovery and leave them to their choices.
I need to add that my spouse is a hard working, trustworthy, loving human being who used to drink. He is now dry but with no recovery, no problems that he can see. So be it. If I am the problem (in his eyes) then I'll continue to work on me by doing everything and anything I can do for MY recovery. I will not give up my serenity for anyone. The Al-Anon program has helped me gain that serenity. I meet with and have many friends in AA (who work their programs as hard as I do mine). They do not give me advice on my marriage nor do my al-anon friends.
I feel very honored to know that AA shared a wonderful program with those of us who suffer from the effects of someone else drinking. Working that program helps me keep the focus OFF them and on me. I am the only thing in the universe I can change. So we are both powerful in that no one can change us but US.
Chow and keep the faith.
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