bugsx2

I began to realize my husband was an alcoholic about a year ago. I tried to get him to "see" the problem before it hit rock bottom. He has not lost his job, gotten a DUI, lost friends...yet! He has come home drunk, not come home at all, chooses to drink instead of work, blames his drinking on work events, and will go get drinks after work instead of come home. This is the third time he has agreed to ban alcohol for 2 months but refuses to see it as a problem he can't control. We have 2 young children and his anger and restlessness is interupting our family life. When he drinks I am constantly watching over him and when he is not drinking for a couple of days I can't stand him. What is going on in his head??? He is just so negative. I do want to support him but I also don't want the children to be raised in an alcoholic relationship. What can I do?

fixyou

My concern is his anger that you mentioned. My AH has held a great job and never been busted for anything so he does not think it is a problem either. But my husband is very seldom angry, he is one of those nice drunks. I do have to say though he has been giving me the EVIL EYE lately, when I confront his dinking.
You said:
"When he drinks I am constantly watching over him and when he is not drinking for a couple of days I can't stand him."
I do the same thing, I think I have become his mother.

How is your Husb with the Kids?

bugsx2

Typically he is a wonderful father. He helps a lot but lately he seems to be more concerned with organization and behavior than with letting them play. They are 3 and make a huge mess. He has difficulty communicating to them at their level. EX. On x-mas he didn't want to go outside and help them ride the new bikes because he was busy drinking. He couldn't change the light in their room because he was too busy drinking. This pattern is so unlike him. As far as his anger, I do feel threatened but I don't think he would ever hurt me. He is only angery when he has not had a drink. When he is drinking I am his "mother". I have tried to control this behavior but it seems to sneek up on me.

fixyou

When my husb does show anger it catches me way of gaurd too. I have to say there were many chirstmas's that I was the one who put the bikes together , he was to drunk and many kid events that I went to alone, he was drunk. I actually got to the point where I did not want him to come because he smelled like alcohol or he would not be able to walk straight. But I now understand I was just enabling him by making excuses as to why he wasn't there,ie: dad had to work on the computer from home, I got real good at it.
Today for instance, I took down all the xmas lights from off the roof , all the decorations inside and out and drug them up to the attic(I have a two story so this was a lot of work by myself) and when I was done around 5:30 he wanted a homemade dinner, so I made it and he passed out before it was done. Being married to an AH is my choice I know this but I love him, and I don't know how to change that. I feel your frustration and I so understand.

ritabee

"As far as his anger, I do feel threatened but I don't think he would ever hurt me"

My A punched me in the jaw on Nov. 5 after a night of heavy drinking. I didn't think he was capable of that either. He was usually in a good mood until I brought up his drinking. We had lots of verbal fights about his drinking and his other addictions that appeared when drunk. This particular night he had gone to bed but got up an hour later (and that's never a good thing) and saw my laptop on my lap. Immediately came the accusations that I was looking for men (cripes, I can't handle the one I have now). After I followed him to the bedroom to try and convince him that I don't do what HE does online, he jumped out of bed and fist connected with face.

I called 911 and after 2 months he is heading to court tomorrow to plead guilty. My life was turned upside down by the man who says he "loves me more than anyone he has ever loved before" and wants "nothing more than our life together". He's talking like he wants to recover but I think he wants to drink without being addicted to it. Never will happen!

You sound just like I did a few months ago. He drank and drank and drank but held down a good job and very rarely lost work due to hangovers. He would sometimes leave early and head to the bar and then lie about why he got off early. His angriest moments came when he was sober. I have since asked him a lot of questions about the past and while he can't remember specifics, he thinks his anger stemmed from wanting the drink that he didn't take.

Your A is negative like mine is. They KNOW they have a problem and will say ANYTHING to protect their habit. They don't like themselves but instead of admitting it, will project all their feelings onto you. He agrees with me, the best defense is a good offense. If something bothers me about him then 5 things bother him about me. You just can't win with them. They really can't love you the way you want them to because they don't love themselves. It's so sad!

doubletime

Ritabee, is correct when she said"They really can't love you the way you want them to because they don't love themselves." AH never was physical but a lot of verbal abuse. Remember the 3 c's and when the time is right you will know what "you" need to do.

2006 is going to be a great year!

Doubletime

bugsx2

I really needed to hear that! I have been doubting how much he loves me the day he came home and said he didn't (Sept.) We have gone to therapy where things have started to unravel. I am beginning to find that strong person I once was under all my shame of being a terrible wife. He just seems like a much stronger person that I forget that he could have self-esteem issues. I just don't know what to do because I don't know if I am making excuses for him and will I continue to let things slide because he sobbers up for 2 months and then falls back into the alcohol again? This has been going on for a 1 1/2 years. I want to be here to support him but I don't want to get dragged down in the process.

What are the 3 c's?

doubletime

The 3 c's are You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Cure it!.

Very wise advise from many members on this forum. When I begin to wonder if I made the right decision I remember the 3 c's.



Doubletime