New & Seeking Advice

Old 01-02-2006, 01:55 PM
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New & Seeking Advice

Hi, All of this is new to me and I really don't know where to begin but help & support is something I'm looking for.

My parents have had problems for the past couple of years. It was my senior year of high school when this all began. At first the issue wasn't a big deal to me. My parents divorcing didn't seem like it was really going to bother me much. What bothered me is seeing my mother down. My family is overall pretty close. My relationship with my mom though has always extended my relationship with my dad. I love my dad but I could never have the closeness with him that I've had with my mom. After a year had passed one thing led to another and my mom became really depressed. She wouldn't want to admit it but she was. It came to the point where I would not even leave my house on the weekends or go out with friends because I wanted to stay home and comfort my mom.

I have two older brothers that have been through a lot too. One of them still living at home, the other one living close by. My parents talked all the time about leaving one another but it would never happen. Yeah, my dad would leave a night or two but he'd be back the next day and they'd pretend that everything was just normal again. This became a routine for me and my brothers. Just when things seemed to get better, they would actually get worse. My parents are the type of people to attend business parties, where drinking occured. My mom has always been the type of person to never drink. Not only did she teach me not to but she herself was never fond of it. My mom ended up drinking socially and to me it was never a big deal at first because at the time I had friends who drank and I didn't think it was going to hurt my parents to drink a little with their friends. I've always been the type of person that didn't drink. Most of my friends drink of course but I've always been the one to watch out and look over them while doing so.

My mom ended up drinking more and more often. She would go months without it but one bad month would come and it just seemed like it wouldn't end. We were used to seeing our parents fight but when mom had been drinking, it'd just make it all the worse. My dad was upset with her for drinking like she had been while she was just bringing up past issues to be thrown up in his face. I can't even count the number of fights I've seen or been in myself. Our house has been destroyed pretty much and it has becoming sort of depressing. We have a pretty nice house but sometimes I just hate being here. I'd rather just live somewhere small and away than here anymore..

Back to the point, my mom developed a drinking problem. It wasn't even like her. She would wake up the next morning and pretend nothing had even went on. She was always ashamed of herself for it. If I ever brought it up, she'd just cry and cry about how sorry she was. Ya know.. I wanted to believe her, in fact, I did believe her. But after one too many times, you just get to the point where you.. can't. I love my mom more than anything in this entire world. I'm a Christian and I do believe God will and is helping my mom. I believe, for some reason, I was put through these situations for a reason. I don't think God is going to give me something I can't handle. I am now almost in my third year of college and life feels like it will never be the same again. I don't really get to do as much as I like. I've avoided friends for quite some time. My boyfriend is very close with my family, he's witnessed almost as much as the rest of us.

Life just isn't what it used to be. My life now consists of watching my mother, staying at home to make sure she's not alone, missing classes, missing work.. just everything has changed. I don't want to complain about it because I truly believe I experience these things for a reason but I'm just scared of where it is all going. My mom ended up getting to the point where she couldn't even go to work. She would hide liquor bottles all over the house just to have something when she felt depressed. We are constantly searching our house when she's not looking. I can't even count the number of bottles my brother and I have had to get rid of. We never thought it would lead to this or get this bad but it did. My mom had been on anti-depressants and some other medication which didn't mix well with alcohol. She got to the point one week where she couldn't even get out of bed. It was just like she was always out of it. My mom is a very hard working woman but it led to the point where she didn't even get up for work. She'd just yell tell them I quit.. things she would never say or do. My mom's work ended up giving her a sick leave which she is still on. That happened back in the summer. I went back to college this past fall, I have an apartment but I rarely stay in it due to having to come home. Grades have always been really important to me but my mom and alcohol definitely took its toll on me this past semester. I just got to the point where I wanted to quit everything.. I've dedicated my whole life to helping my mom. My whole family has.. when any of us are off work, we stay with her. My boyfriend usually comes to my house so we can spend time together because it's hard to even go anywhere. In November, it came to the point where we would have to hide keys from her so that she wouldn't leave in the mornings to get alcohol and bring it back before anyone woke up. I was usually the one who stayed with her. My dad and brothers both worked and I had classes but I just didn't care. One morning I woke up and my mom was gone. This wasn't the first time this had happened but I was so alert on it happening. I set my alarm clock for about 5 am just so I can wake when she does. I woke up at 8 that morning and my car was gone. I had hid my keys and they were gone too. I called her cell phone about a 100 times and got nothing. The phone in the house was off the hook, I'm guessing that was so my dad couldn't call to check up on her. After that incident and finally finding her, I begged my mom to go stay with her brothers.

My mom went to Ky to stay with some of her brothers and it really was a good thing for her. She stayed for almost two weeks and with that she had no way to get alcohol. I also forgot to mention that one time she did go to the hospital because of this but they ended up releasing after she got better.. I didn't want my mom to come home from her brother's. It was a week before Christmas and I went down to visit her with my aunt. She wanted so badly to come home and it's hard not to feel sorry for your own mom. She promised me she wasn't going to drink. She said she just wanted me to have a good Christmas... I believe her, I really do. I know my mom and I know her better than she knows herself most the time but part of me just felt like she would use things against me just to get alcohol. I don't know, it's confusing. My mom ended up coming home, my dad was all excited but I knew something would go wrong at some point or another.. We didn't let my mom drive to go anywhere. She did really well for a long time. Until one day when my dad had her drop him off to pick up a car (he owns a car dealership) after dropping him off, she said she was going shopping. I knew better.. I had a final that day which is a bit a ways off so I had called her continuously until I could make it home. Nonetheless when I got home, she wasn't completely drunk but almost there. I always bring it up to her. I always say why.. why did you do this again? That day I was just in shock, I wanted to believe her promise so bad. Her behavior continued like this until all the alcohol was gone. I searched for most of it and found it but there were still hidden places where she had kept it. After that day, again.. she did really well. She explained to me things I don't want to share but just the way she felt before she drinks, why she feels she has to, the urge she has, etc..

I was still in shock that it had actually happened.. I was so hurt but I wanted to help her all at the same time. I wanted to be angry with her but be there for her too. Everything just seems impossible. I take each day one at a time. I'm not sure what my future holds with a career. My ambitions used to be so high but now until my mom continues to be alright.. I've dedicated my life with this. Everyday is different. I wake up each morning hoping my mom is alright. She still doesn't drive.. which that makes me feel bad to like we punish her but access to alcohol is not something I'm willing to just be okay with. She's been sober now for a week or maybe a little more. You just never know what's going to happen.

I'm sorry I babbled on and on about this but I was just searching some things and ended finding this forum. Anyone who would like to share help or anything is much appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 01-02-2006, 02:33 PM
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JT
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First welcome and my heart goes out to you and to your family. That said, I don't agree with you holding your mother hostage to keep her sober. It may seem like an act of love and support but it is demeaning. Your mother is an adult and she has the right to do whatever she chooses to do. Treating her like a a child and doing for her what she should be doing for herself is prolonging the problem.

It is said that we can be part of the problem or part of the solution. A big part of what gets a drunk sober is facing the consequences of their actions. A big part of what keeps them drinking is us...keeping them from getting too uncomfortable. Waking up in your own vomit a few to many times can do that for some and for others it takes much more.

What you should be doing is taking care of yourself, going to school and then to college and getting on with your life. This is not your burdon..it is your mothers. These are things that are important for you to grasp....before you end up taking the keys from your husband.

(((((Hugs))))
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Old 01-02-2006, 03:42 PM
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Hi, Thank you for your input. I'm not sure I really agree with holding my mother hostage, I think that is putting things too harshly. Not knowing everything I can understand why you would put it that way though. My mom is free to do whatever she wants. She knows better than to want to go out on her own though because she knows she'll be heading one place and one place only.. the liquor store. My mom has asked me to not let her be alone or be put in that situation or else she will start drinking again. I know it seems like we are just watching her at all times but it's true.. we do, we are and we will. I've woke up too many times in the middle of the night finding my mother gone and then having searches out for her finding her parked in various different places passed out. I'd much rather watch my mother as much as I can everday than take one little risk to let anything harmful to happen to her or even to others. I'd rather try to keep her away from those things even if people may call it holding her hostage. I'd rather do that than risk the chance of losing my mom. Alcohol has completely changed part of my mom. It's like she is two different people. Most of the time she's the mom I miss, the same mom I'm used to. Then other times, she's just angry. I have a hard time being in the position I'm in now, I can only imagine what it's like to be in hers, having everyone following you, watching over your back to see the next thing you might do. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. It's just hard to let your mother throw her life away. If the other part of her could do what she wished, she'd be lying in bed with a bottle and drink until her life was thrown away. But I know better, I know how my mom is and I know if she were me she would do everything she could to save her mom. Even if it is put that way, being held hostage, I am just not the type of person that can sit back and watch someone throw their life away, especially my own mother.

I am attending college right now but it's hard for me to go on with my own life with my mother has always been a huge part of my life. When my mom went away to stay with her brothers, I was so happy for her but sad at the same time. It's just hard to explain how close me and my mom are. Going a day or two without seeing her just doesn't seem right.. We are both a lot alike. She's the type of person to hold everything in until it completely blows up. She doesn't like talking about her problems, she's very independent. The only person she ever talks to about much of anything is me. I guess that is why I feel so strongly about being there for her.

I don't really understand the comment about taking the keys from my husband? For starters, I'm not married, obviously. I'm guessing that was just sarcasm on your part. I don't plan on taking any keys from my husband-to-be because that's not who I am. I do plan on getting married someday but my boyfriend of 5 years knows me and he knows that my mom means the world to me. I'm not much for putting up with a lot of crap from a man. If my husband-to-be and I ever got in a situation as this, I'd care for him just like I do my mom. It's hard to love anyone more than I do my mom though so chances are it wouldn't be as strong but I'd try. I'd much rather take my keys from my husband or mom or anyone I know than wake up and find them dead and wonder my whole life what if? My life pretty much revolves around what if's now.. and all I can really do is look out for her.

As for college goes, my mom asked me if I didn't even want to go back to classes this semester coming up. Of course I do is what I feel inside, college has always been really important to me. I think my mom is just scared at the fact that she will be alone again when I go back to school. I don't know what it is or why she'd want me to stop for this semester, I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I need to go though. Thanks again.
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Old 01-02-2006, 05:44 PM
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Hello. I know what JT was trying to say- we've all been there. We all started off by "watching over" everything our alcoholic loved one did because we felt that they were just not capable or willing to look out for themselves. We did it because we didn't want something horrible to happen to them and would rather sacrifice ourselves to save the person we loved. The problem with that is that now we are part of the problem. We have now increased the odds that our loved one will continue on the path of self destruction. It does seem insane that our very act of protection, care and concern could actually help place our loved ones in more danger but that is the truth. It would be a great idea for you to find a Alanon meeting and learn about codependency. Your family's loving actions are, unintentionally, bad for everyone. Your mom, just like my husband, doesn't have to worry about herself or take care of herself because the rest of you are doing it for her. Stop keeping tabs on her whereabouts, stop searching for and throwing away her alcohol. Let her know that you want her to get help and that when she is ready, you are there to help her but then say nothing. I know, much easier said than done but she needs to be free to experience the consequences of her own behaviors. I'm sure that like the rest of us, you notice that all the alcohol seizing and attempts at control don't work. Don't keep repeating the same actions and expecting different results- that's insane. Nothing will change until your mother decides she wants to change. Take care of yourself.
Having said that, if your family feels that she is at risk for suicide or immediate danger of harming herself, talk to an attorney regarding your options. Also you could speak to someone about an intervention. They will tell you that in order for an intervention to be successful you will have to make some tough decisions about what actions you will take if she is unwilling to accept treatment.
None of this is easy. Keep talking to others and reaching out.
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Old 01-02-2006, 06:50 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Hi... Welcome!

I suggest you read
"Co Dependant No More"
written by Melodie Beattie.

Hugs
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Old 01-02-2006, 08:07 PM
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Welcome..hope4 Glad you found SR

When we are new, all the advise seems cold, heartless and uncaring. Not true, we care very much for you and care just as much for the alcoholic.
We want your Mom safe and well, but that is what is the worst for her, the trying to keep her safe and well..
We all had to learn this and we hated to learn this, and sometimes we cannot do it.

Please read as many posts as you can. then take what you can use and leave the rest.
Car keys, I would forbid her to drive MY car. Suggest she take a cab, or catch a ride.
if her car and her insurance then l guess we have no right to take or hide keys.
If I knew she was impaired I would call the police and alert them to watch.
If they do wrong they need to pay. DUI or whatever.
If she acts or sounds suisidal call the police, they put them into protective custody, to keep them from harming themselves.
The police coming is a wake up call sometimes and they go from there to treatment.
Even recoverying A's come on here and tell us to go to Alanon and learn how not to enable.etc.
I know this is all so hard to understand. keep comeing back as no one is scolding you, or saying your feelings are wrong. HUGS
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Old 01-02-2006, 10:01 PM
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I really do appreciate any input, good or bad, everyone is telling me. Honestly, I do appreciate it greatly. For the past couple of years I've been taking each day one step at a time and every little piece of advice and concern helps, so thank you =)

Let's see though.. when it comes to an attorney and such, we have been through all that. My dad had my mom convicted and then she was released from the hospital by her doctor after a period of time. That is how she went on sick-leave from her work. Cops have been involved but we live in a fairly secluded town. Ya know, one of those if one person knows, everyone knows kind of things. That's why we suggested my mom stay with her brothers for awhile. I truly feel that was the best thing for her. She is to the point now where her eyes really have opened. I can't even count the number of conversations we've had about this but once she went away for a couple of days and had time to think everything over, she realized how much it had hurt me and my brothers. I don't like being the focus here or the one people are concerned with. This is what my other family members say, they're worried about me and the change and affect it has taken on me but I'm not. Just like my mother says I guess about alcoholism, there is nothing wrong with me to me. I'll be fine as long as she is fine..

The whole issue about my mom not driving is hard because my mother has asked me not to let her go anywhere alone or be put in that position. That's why she never goes anywhere alone or has no access to keys. She actually has plenty of access to keys if she could just figure out what car they went to. There are always lots of cars in our driveway due to my dad's job but she's never taken it upon herself to go through all that trouble. Usually it's just my car that she takes if she ever just takes off. It's hard to just give her keys like nothing is going to go wrong when she tells me not to let her have them.. It's confusing and hard to explain.

A lot of people know about our situation. My mom has several brothers and sisters who all know and care. Like I said in an earlier post though, my mom isn't the type to want to reach out to anyone, she never has been. When she found out others knew, that also made things worse. Her friends know because she's told them and then other friends of the family but it's just so hard to expect anything good to happen. I'm just always expecting the worse. I completely understand about controlling my mom, it's so hard but I understand. Only she can decide to change things, not anyone else.. not even me. This is where the whole it being my fault comes into play. I believe that is when my mom realized what a huge affect it had had on me. When I was blaming myself and when I would find her drunk and I'd just beg and cry wondering what I had done to make her want to do it again? I just didn't feel like I was enough for her to stay sober. I know it's nothing but being selfish. I wanted to be enough for her to stop but it's not that easy. I understand that it's not that she necessarily wants to drink, she just has the urge to when she gets so depressed. That's another reason I feel getting away from here would help. Being in this same atmosphere just seems to bring her down. I'm not sure about anything. I know for her to get better she has to do it on her own and I pray that things continue to stay well. I'll definitely be updating again I'm sure and seeking advice. Thank you for all your replies. Every little thing said can help. Thank you!
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Old 01-03-2006, 03:27 PM
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Big hugs to you, as you sound like you have a lot on your plate right now!!

I'm new to this site, and fairly new to the recovery game, but I do have worlds of life experience to offer.

The one thing I know for sure about recovery, is that it won't work if your Mom does it for anyone but herself. You, your Dad, and your siblings will benefit from it, but she can't do it for you. She has to help to save herself, and no one else. It's a hard pill to swallow, and I understand the "why can't she do it for me?" feeling.

It sounds right now that the mother/child roles are reversed, and that's not healthy in the long run. And I'm talking about YOUR health. Right now you say you're OK, but it will take its toll. I know that you love her and want to help and protect her, but by putting her in a cocoon so to speak, you're not allowing her to get the help she really needs. Yes, you're protecting her from herself, and from drinking, but she isn't dealing with the drinking problem. And being on guard all the time, worrying about where she is or if she is drunk again, will wear you down.

I know you don't want her to fall again, but that could be the very thing she needs to seek help for herself. Some of us only learn life's lessons the hard way. Get to the bottom, figure out it's not the place we want to be, and find a way back up.
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Old 01-03-2006, 03:51 PM
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Welcome,

Sorry you are facing this issue at such a young age...however, you cannot control her,
she is an adult...it is up to her to stop drinking...all the watch dogging you do will not change her urge to drink...she must be ready.

You must keep your focus, on you...she lives her life and so too must you.

Take care of you.

Dolly
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