Webbiecat

I've been "lurking" around for a bit now, and I wasn't sure I really belonged here, until I saw something that a member posted. They said it's like trading one addiction for another. Those words really struck me, and maybe I can find some help and comfort from this site.

My AH was in active recovery when we met (15 years ago). He quit going to meetings, but stayed dry until about 3 years ago. He told me he just wanted to have a beer or two, and it was no big deal. Ha ha ha.

About 3 months ago, he finally realized that if he didn't get sober, he was going to end up dead, or lose everything that he loved. He's been doing very well in his recovery, and I'm so very proud of him for that!

I wasn't sure I belonged here, because my story is so tame compared to some of what I've read. There was never abuse, never job or money issues...not really much more than a drunken man on my couch every night of the week! And that was only when he wasn't deployed. He gets underway for 3+ months at a time, and would stay dry unless they pulled in for a port call.

So my problems dealing with this recovery....
He wasn't "here" for me when he was drinking, and now he's always at meetings, or talking about meetings, or talking with his sponsor. That's where the phrase "trading one addiction for another" struck me.

He's had huge revelations in his life working the AA steps, and somehow expects me to have the same ones. I keep hearing him tell me to "give everything over to God, it worked for me!" That's great for him, and I certainly wouldn't tell him a different way to do things. But for me, I was raised to handle my problems by myself, figure out a solution, and make it work. It's worked for me for the last 36 years, and I have no intention of changing that. I know that he just wants to share with me what he's found, but why can't he seem to understand what works for one person does not work for another?

I did try al-anon in the past, and it really wasn't the place for me. I had thought about going again, but unfortunately, all the meetings in my area are scheduled for the kids bedtime. So I'm hoping that by being here, sharing, and hearing stories from people who have been through and are going through what I am will help a bit.

So that's my story and where I am today. Thanks for reading!

JT

Welclome webbie!

You know what I would tell you do? Tell him that you are going to call his sponsor and tell him that he is taking your inventory. Kidding! But really that is what you need to tell him. He can handle things the way he wants and so can you. He can turn you over to God along with everything else.

My story isn't horrendous either, at least with my husband and family of origin. Things got pretty exciting when my son started his drinking and drugging but that has calmed down for the moment.

You do what is right for you and don't let anyone badger you. That could be called a boundary...a tool used in Al Anon. Feel free to hang around, use what you like and let the rest go...oops!

Hugs,
JT

Gabe

Hi Webbie, welcome.
I think things need to be done in a balanced way.
I think people in recovery can work a program and spend time with their loved ones.
If that gets out of whack, the scales are tipped to far in one direction.
Glad you said hello.
Stick around.

Webbiecat

It is the balance he is having trouble with. I even talked to him about it, and he agreed to cut down on some meetings. But he ended up grouchy and snippy, and I sent him back. There's something he needs there all the time right now, so I guess I'll have to live with it for the moment. It's not easy, but I know that if it's what he needs, I'd rather have him sober.

I have also told him to stop taking my inventory. Not in those words, but the meaning was the same. I know he is so happy with what he is finding, that he wants me to share it. But that doesn't stop it from driving me bonkers sometimes!!

I have set boundaries, but he likes to test them every so often. We're working on it, but it is definitely difficult sometimes!

TomsGirl

Hi Webbie, I follow some of the teachings/philosophies of Al-Anon but I'm not an active member. Detaching, not trying to control their drinking, walking away from it when it's starting to bother me, and some other things have worked for me. Most importantly, I've learned to let my AH take responsability and suffer the consequences of the choices HE'S made. I'm not the "rescue crew" anymore.

Best wishes and keep coming back.

ravensnestleyan

Something i always told my husband and ive learned for myself is that there is a reason why people drink or abuse, there's usually a void they are trying to fill that started them on that road in the first place. Althogh the abuse problem has to be tended to first and formost, sometimes they trade addictions because the real emotional problem has yet to be worked out. some of us have to deal with that before we can ever maintain any sort of balance. Psycologist is a scary word, but sometimes it may be step 13

equus

You absolutely belong here - my hubby has never been abusive either and our experience is just as real. Each situation brings it's own hurdles.

I don't use Al-Anon for various reasons, being an aitheist is one of the biggest but I know it has helped lots of people. I did seek individual counselling though and that really helped me.

Meetings are not an issues with my hubby because he doesn't use AA but I've experienced some of the same feelings when he's buried himself away at the computer or thrown himself into some other activity. I'm alot like you in feeling that it has been something he needed and yet at the same time I still have feelings and can feel excluded.

One thing that really made a difference to us was chucking the TV out the bedroom!! I know that sounds insane to say it helped but without the tv on we've had many heart to hearts in bed, not to mention that precious bit of time together at the begining of each day. I think having time set aside EVERY day that yours and is spent talking really does help.

I don't think it's possible to always judge the perfect reaction or expectation, personally I know ther have been times when I've expected too much or not enough. I've found forgiving myself for that very helpful, whatever we do to help ourselves it still takes time to adjust and learn.

I've found some useful info away from addiction sites too. There's a BBC site on realtionships, disputes, couples, all sorts of things that have helped me to understand better. Like you I like to be able to help myself so seeing things that make a penny drop for me in the way I communicate etc have been good, and not just at home either!!

Either way welcome to SR. It's a good crowd here.