Tally

My ABF went back to visit his parents over the holidays. I planned to tell him not to come back but I couldn't.
So he came back, the first day was good but now it's sliding back to what it was and already all the bad emotions I felt have returned.

We both use a chat site on the internet. He has cheated (online) with quite a few of the girls from this site. He has now started using it more frequently again and all my paranoia, jealously and self loathing has returned and it's starting to drive me mad.

I'm sooo in the mood for starting a fight with him tonight but I'm afraid if I do I won't stop and if I go too far there will be no going back.

Basically he can do what he likes without any regard for my feelings and I'm not allowed to express any anger or unhappiness because then I'm an enabler.

The man I love has faded and I can't get him back to how he used to be and this new years eve I am very sad and resentful.

ByAThread

Missus...I feel the same way! So much resentment has built up. Despite my earlier post today, and saying I was going to try to stay away from my AH, I blew this AM when he arose...my BP went sky high, I'm sure, and I was shaky from the venting on him. It felt awful, even though it was a release of the anger that had been building. I am trying to look at the New Year from MY perspective for once...stop wishing for HIS recovery, or HIS happiness, and start wishing for MY strength, and MY happiness. I realized that I think of what I want in terms of what I think HE needs! (Am I the codependent poster child, or WHAT!!??) SO...I am TRYING to focus on ME and what I need to do and what I want for a change. Yes, of course, I want him to be sober and for us to have a normal life, but all my wishing isn't going to even scratch the surface on that one! So I figure I should start putting my energy towards building my own inner strength, and pursue things to work towards MY goals, and if he chooses to get sober and live, then I'll (maybe) be here for him. If it gets worse, and I feel strong enough to leave, then maybe it'll be too late. But I am NOT going to be SAD or MAD about the New Year arriving amidst his fall. I am going to be GLAD to be alive, and HOPEFUL for the future...MINE! Now I just have to talk myself into that, eh? Hope you can enjoy the year and your life, despite whatever HE chooses to do with his.
Barb

teethgrinder

Reading your reply is exactly what I needed tonight. I'm in the process of getting ready for a New Years party my husband and I are attending. He has been sliding all month and I've been so depressed today. I didn't want to go to this party because I felt I had nothing to celebrate. Thank you for your post saying that you refuse to be mad or sad because of him. I will choose to celebrate my kids, myself, my health and look forward to all the strong, positive things I will do this year.
Happy New Year!

FriendofBill

Basically he can do what he likes without any regard for my feelings and I'm not allowed to express any anger or unhappiness because then I'm an enabler.


Says who?

Cant prevent him from doing or not doing what you want/dont want him to do...but who says you cannot express your self...in an appropriate way?

Appropriate being the key word.

Showing appropriate feelings is not enabling, never heard it as being such.

Say what you mean
Mean what you say
and dont say it mean.

Otherwise, the message is lost and you could end up looking badly.

To cure resentment: Pray for him to receive the same good things in life thta you wish for yourself...peace, sanity, health, love.

Do it daily.

It works.

Tally

Well, we had the fight. It didn't start out as a fight....I tried to talk to him about my feelings regarding him getting close to a girl on the internet.

So far it's only banter and he maintains he hasn't done anything wrong, I know he hasn't so far, but I know he probably will. I don't like this girl and she has insulted me on a previous occasion. I have asked him not to speak to her countless times but he carries on regardless of my feelings. I just know I'm going to be made to look a fool again.

It sounds petty and irrelevent my being insecure over this but I can't help it.
He pays me hardly any attention but is a HUGE flirt online. He's promised me he's behaving himself but I know it won't last.
For example, he was away over christmas, I mailed him saying happy christmas etc and he did not reply. Yet he read my mail and then instead of replying to me, he mailed this other girl and then logged off and went to the pub. He didn't even bother ringing me on Christmas day until gone 10pm, my whole day was ruined.

Anyway, I tried talking to him because it's been really bothering me that he seems to have no concern for my feelings at all.

It started off ok but I could tell he was annoyed and in the end he flipped, started raising his voice and swearing at me and eventually became threatening, so I went into the bathroom to difuse the situation and he went to bed.

Why can't I talk to him without him going on the defensive?

If I've done something to pee him off and he tells me, I try and change my behaviour. I don't flip out, refuse to listen and threaten him.

Am sick of being scared and not put first, even girls he barely knows, who he's spoken to for 2 weeks on the internet come first before me.

God, I hate men sometimes!!!