PupCA

As the question asks, why is it ok that my Ah in recovery gets to do what he just wants to do and still live his life on his own terms just because he is in recovery? Damn, someone explain to me why I have had to put up with his **** before recovery and know I get to take on sooo much more because of recovery. Really wondering if there is a silver linging anywhere in this equation?

Zoey

Welcome to friends and family area of SR PupCa...
Think you came at a quiet time of the day.
I just checked in to say Welcome, others will be along that can say it much better than I, but In my opinion the recovery takes a long time, True recovery is serious hard work, and probably for a year we are so confussed as to who we are, etc. Along with ready to fly apart without our crutch or fix or medication.
Yes, a nasty truth is, we are still alone. Looks and feels like they have traded one addiction for another.
Now for hope, we go to Alanon, we find a sponser and we learn all we can about this disease. We work on getting us well while they work on them.
Some couples find the best ever life, others break up. So no matter what in life it is all one day at a time.
If you love him and do not want out, then we work on acceptance.
When you get everything read, attend meetings you will find a better way of thinking and doing in all walks of life, and with everyone.
Your question, yes! some find silver lineings.
We learn all we can so we will know if that is with or without them.

I know this all hurts so bad, most of us here have been through it.
Keep coming back. BIG HUGS

finallyfree?

Those were my exact thoughts when my AH was going through recovery. I was so exhausted, i felt like running away and never coming back. It didn't work for me. All that hard work and he just went right back.

fixyou

Welcome,
Although I have recently joined this new family, I have such a feeling of belonging. We all are going through, or have been through the same pain. I can't get my AH to go to rehab, and I can not even bring it up to him anymore(it makes him drink more). I feel like running everyday of my life. I sit and day dream of how I could empty the savings and just drive off and never come back, i'm sure it would take him at least a day or two to realize I was gone. Start new, somewhere nobody knows me and I can just figure out who I am. Then I wake up and realize it was all just a beautiful dream,and go back to picking up the pieces of my broken life.
What keeps me going is the hope that I know someday, this will all be behind me and I will have learned to be a stronger person. This forum has been the first step for me.
I came here thinking I would find answers on how to fix him, but now know I need to fix me. Step one down......
Now I am searching for step two, I'll know it when I see it, I hope.
I feel this is a great forum to vent, ask questions and best of all know you are not alone.

:dac

reader

Welcome!!! I too went through your feelings and frustrations. So much energy and hope went into his recovery just to have him relapse. I now know not to pin my aspirations for him on him. My H has heart problems and some of his desires to stop drinking was to get healthy, he is on 8 meds.,2 of which clearly state do not mix with alcohol. All I can suggest to you if u want to stay in the marriage try to bring the focus back on you. This mind set can even work with non-alcoholic families. In general now, many women will lose their sense of self when they get into a relationship. I feel it is important to have "me time". I love my own hobbies and it keeps my mind off of worrying about my alcoholic husband and step son. Especially, with our son I realize he is 31 now, he has to make his own bed- now I let him lie in it. No saving him! As women, now I am gonna get in trouble, Jazzman and others, We tend to fill the role as caretakers and when they get into recovery we often lose are role of being Mommy to an adult. Many of us were at a lose as to what do we do now!! I now love my independence and try to do things that are still great for my family but I still remember me and my happiness. I keep reminding my self when I spend or take time for my self " If momma ain't happy then no one is". Sorry to babble, just another codependant in recovery! Keep coming back and share your life saga with us! Remember we have all done that been there, nothing is too silly or foolish to share! If u want proof look back at some of my posts. LOL. With love,

Cap3

Welcome PupCA,know and understand how your feeling.You are no longer all alone.Living with sick,folks sure has its moments.Read the other day about a gal,who,s husband has a serious illness.All the appointments,all the docotrs visits,,etc,,etc,,were getting to her.There came a point where she just wept,saying what about me,here.does anyone care.Are things ever going to be normal,or am i going to live my life around,all of this,...After reading this,i thought wow,sounds like those of us who live with alcoholics,too.She said that she was given a flyer on where she could get help.That this was natural, and to not feel bad,about what she,s feeling,but to do something,take action,so that she can have a break now and then,.She needed to take steps,on having her life also.We are very fortunate in that we have a recovery program for the non-alcoholics,called Al-anon.Here is where one works on their own recovery.Learning how we have played our own part,in the family disease called alcoholism.Learning that changed attitudes,can help in recovery.Although it may appear on the outside that your man is living the way he wants,to, woopering er up,the truth is,,who really wants to be an alcoholic?In al-anon im asked why do i expect sick folks to think and behave as if they are well?This was a good question for me to look into.My own expectations.Taking the focus of him,and putting it onto myself,for my own recovery is what has changed my life.One Day At A Time.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless and take care!!!!

ASpouse

I'm not sure I understand. Did your husband relapse?

If not, recovery is selfish. It is a very selfish, self-centered program at the beginning. It is all about him and his disease. As he works the steps, he will learn to include all the people whom he hurt and make amends and live life with them again.

Does he have a sponsor and does he go to AA? You need to understand that for him, this very well may be a lifetime commitment. How long has he been in recovery?

I read time and time again here how spouses think a program of recovery will "miraculously" make things all fine and dandy again. I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way and many many times it makes things worse before they get better.

You should be going to Al Anon and doing for you. If you are doing more now than before, then you are still enabling and need to stop for your sanity, not his recovery.

Been there, done that!

TomsGirl

I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way and many many times it makes things worse before they get better.

I'm curious about this. What are some examples of how it's make things worse for people when their SO is in recovery.

Thanks!

ASpouse

TomsGirl, you are such tough questions. Not that their tough, but they require some thought on my part anyway LOL.

I think that SO's of Alcoholics don't think they hold any responsibility for the situation. Now I'm not saying that they are responsible for the drinking, but they have in fact given a pattern of behavior to the SO, called enabling.

Suddenly the alcoholic, who is recovering, have been taught through recovery to "do for themselves" to "be responsible for themselves" to "own up to their own crap" to "live life on lifes terms". All of this leaves the SO, well out of the proverbial loop, or so they think. They no longer feel as if they have a say in what happens, when it happens, why it happens etc. Does this make sense so far?

So when all of this happens, or some of it happens, who feels left out? The SO, or it makes sense that it would anyway, I know I felt that way. Heck, I used to pick up my husbands check (not because he drank either, because "it was easy" for me), suddenly he's in recovery and picking up his own check, depositing it and figuring out the $$$ he needed for the week. Now that sounds silly right? But let me tell you, it made me angry ..... he was doing for himself, he didn't need me! Heck now he cared about what we had for dinner! He actually made suggestions about what would be good ...... what was this all about? I never needed him before to help, but he sure as hell needed me to "provide" these essential items.

Before I go on, let me know if this makes sense to you.

TomsGirl

Thanks Judy, I get it. It's sort of like a "power" type of thing isn't it? I know I did a lot of "enabling" for my AH. Some of it was the power thing and some of it was that I just felt sorry for him. He could be so pathetic at times. But to be truthful I'm kinda liking the way it is now. He's applying for SS Disability and I have not once offered to search for, gather, nor help in anyway with all the documentation and paperwork they require. The only thing I'm doing for him at the moment is holding onto the money he got from his total loss car settlement that's earmarked to pay for the second half of his attorney fee for his 2nd dui.

But I have noticed posts from people who said their ASO was more "fun" when drinking and they didn't like all the time spent away from them at AA meetings. I didn't know if that's what you meant in your post. As for me I'm thankful to come home to someone who is "here", so to speak. I lived so long with what I called a "dead man walking", I'm perfectly happy to share him with AA and anything else that will aid in his recovery. I guess each one of us have a different situation.

Thanks again Judy! And I hope you and everyone here at SR have a Wonderful and Blessed New Year! I seem to do so much better during even numbered years! lol

ASpouse

Yes I suppose calling it a power thingy is just as good as anything else. It's difficult to relinquish that power, power that WE THINK makes us powerful.

It's tough in the beginning, it a major life change to couples, some make it, some don't.

I feel like you do, I'm perfectly happy to share him for 7 hours or so a week with AA if it aids in his recovery. The bottom line is they do something for him I can't and will never be able to and that is OK with me.

TomsGirl

That's right, I'm more than happy to share him with AA because when he was "on the bottle" there was no sharing at all. The bottle had him 100% of the time!

somebodysfool

Are there any books out there that talk about this subject? How to survive recovery. These posts hit so close to home and I am trying to be patient but I am not doing very well. The not being let in on decisions or how things are going to happen, things not happening the way think, feeling like I am getting the run around and still not part of his life, still suspicious. I am working my program better than before but still have quite a way to go and that is going to be a big focus for me. I have been to many Al-anon groups but have been praying to find one with a couple of wives who stuck it out and have some type of partnership, companionship, love realtionship with their husband not just a roommate. I know I have some expectations that are probably unrealistic and that is why I continue to get hurt. I have lists and lists of things to work on. I need something to help me understand better. I am afraid I am going to kill any possibilty of keeping my marriage with my insanity. 20 year relationship history here and this past year was H**L on earth. I guess I am still trying to hard to FIX, FIX, FIX. So forgive my ramblings. I guess the answer to my question lies in what I know, Al-anon, a sponsor, counseling, reading my literature, slogans, and especially God and prayer. Slow down, girl!!!!

I am always encouraged by posts of couples really grasping acceptance and loving through this disease and recovery.

J

ASpouse

J,

Slow down is right! One thing at a time. Your H is in recovery? He is following a program?

First and foremost I think you should bring these things up at a group meeting. That's first.

Second, I think you should calmly sit down with your husband and tell him that you feel left out of the decision making processes that "involve you" too. Maybe he just needs to be reminded. If he is unsure, he can talk to his sponsor about it.

Keep working on you ....... I know that impatient feeling ...... my big problem "I want everything YESTERDAY"! You sound similar. All good things take time ...... you got that right?

somebodysfool

Judy,

He has been attending AA meetings but not 90 in 90 he won't commit to much of anything. He starts outpatient treatment on Tuesday (2 days a week for 6 weeks). Because it is a State program it was suggested to me that a guy like him is a walk in the park meaning middle class, clean cut, seeking help... I have expressed that I don't feel like he is doing enough. He tells me I am trying to control his recovery. I know in it could totally be construed as I am. These are good conversations not heated or accusing, but he doesn't acknowledge that I might be right at all. I just don't think he is serious about his recovery. And because he "could be so much worse" he minimizes his behaviors. And this is why I struggle tremendously. I go to a counselor (psychologist) and I've talked with some very close friends. Anyone who really knows and understands his history just doesn't think he is ready. But he keeps insisting he is and I want to support him. I don't know who or what to believe. The rule of thumb to listen to the people around who can see things with a clear perspective and not the alcoholic who although not drinking is still exhibiting all his alcoholic tendencies. Because he thinks I am always controlling he is pushing me out. Or he is just pulling the wool over my eyes and that is why he is pushing me out. Bottom line I know I have to concentrate on me. I am having a hard time letting go. Most people's advice is no contact. He will not grow up as long as I am around. My insanity tells me that is just what he wants. Seriously this past year was a doozy and it really did a job on my head. He has done so many things I never thought he would in a million years.
Pertinent information: We are not currently living together so that makes things more difficult. And broken trust is a big issue.


I really need a healthy thriving Al-anon group and a sponsor who has experience in marriage. I know this post is jumbly because I keeping going back and inserting info here and there. I hope it is clear enough. Thanks for your advice. Slow and steady wins the race. I don't want to give up on us. But I see all the "held on too long" stuff and I wonder. Is there hope?

J

finallyfree?

I've been reading all the posts because i'm going through a lot that has been mentioned. I'm trying to understand what is it i really need to do. I'm a little confused about the "enabling" concept. How can I enable if he is totally responsible for his own actions? I read "He will not grow up if i'm around," if he's totally responsible for his own actions, then how can you being around not let him grow up? I think that's just an excuse for him not to grow up. This enabling concept is confusing for me.

somebodysfool

The sticky posts at the top paint a great picture of different ways to enable. The way I tend to enable is by noit letting my husband experience the consequences of his behavior. Opening his business for him when he was too hungover. Cleaning up after him when he left beer bottles in the lawn. Or even in when it comes to my kids I would let my daughter stay home from school because she didn't get an assignment done. Or bring her gym uniform last minuter because she forgot it, again.

In regards to my husband not growing up if I am around. That's kind of a long story. He has always worked. "I've always taken care of my responsibilities" is his famous phrase. However that is all he really did. I took care of the bills, house, kids, daily responsibilities and still worked. Since he has been not drinking these past 5 weeks he has also been unemployed. He states he does not have any direction. I have been with him since we were 16. He can hardly make a decision about even the smallest things. He was a drinker when we met, he continued to drink the disease progressed my codependency progressed. I was the caretaker he could do whatever he wanted I made sure things turned out all right. Because I love him, because it made me feel needed. When he was out living his life I felt neglected and unloved, so I was more than happy to take care of or fix his messes. It became a terrible cycle. I just wanted him to love me and choose me over the party life. He just kept moving away. Eventually it taught him that he couldn't take care of himself and to a point he can't until I back off so he can learn to trust himself to make good choices on his own and deal with the messes he creates. Just like a child will never learn to tie his shoes if his mommy always ties them for him. Or he may learn one day own his own when he is ready. But he will have developed the skill significantly later then his peers. I hope this makes some sense. Bottom line the drinking is not my fault but my reaction to it is. Now that I know better I need to make better choices. That is why I have my own recovery to work out.

J

Beautiful

Re: Enabling........When people get into relationships they give and take, right? I'll swing by and get the paycheck here while you go and get the kids there and then we'll meet at home. That's teamwork. Not enabling.

..............I'll swing by and get the paycheck and then I'll go get the kids and then I'll see you at home (where you've been sitting because you've worked *so* hard today and it was *so*....) and then I'll fix dinner, clean up, clean the kids, bedtime, etc. etc. while you still sit and do your own selfish thing that is your lifestyle.....Enabling.

The hard thing about recovery is that the A is selfish before they start it and they are selfish when they start it and for several months/years when they're in it. It absolutely puts an unfair burden on the partner. It is the partner's choice how they deal with that situation.

A personal example: I told my RAH that in 2006 he needs to be part of our family unit. If he doesn't show progress in this area then our home with land will be sold and we will move to a more manageable property -- so he has more available time with our family. He has been in recovery over 1 year and doing his own thing is still a huge issue. Our property is the "reason" he is emotionally absent from our life. Okay. Then I'll remove your newest "reason" for dry drunk behavior so you are available to freely choose healthy patterns -- or not. My personal line of BS Tolerance is drawn in steel so he understands that excuses don't work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unfeeling. I am just unfeeling when it comes to his dis-ease infecting my family for another generational round.

ASpouse

That WAS me to a "T" ..... important word here is "WAS"! I was a classic enabler!

PupCA

Wow, thanks for all input. I am starting to believe that my AH likes being taken care of by me and enjoys lack of responsibility. My new thoughts are, damn, I deserve a husband...you know, that guy that will take care of you when your sick, give you a great present on your b-day, really care if you make it home in one piece. I look at couples with envy....

Then think, too old, too worn, too spent to start again. Beating self up for being in this position. Looking for the one that got away. At the point of no kids because, well... Feeling so spent that trying to be a new and improved couple is...

Then I wake up, go on ever day, and try to figure out....

Thanks for letting me bitch